Undeniably Yours (21 page)

Knowing Mary, though, within a few days she’d be getting a beautifully matted and framed photo of Lily and her parents—an almost perfect family smiling for the camera.

“Are they going to do tricks?”

Kevin’s voice jerked her out of her depressing thoughts and she realized she’d been staring at the shelves of diapers for who knew how long.

“Sorry.” She grabbed a package of store-brand diapers in the next size up, because Lily was growing like a weed, and tossed them into the cart.

Kevin took them back out. “Are you sure you want these? One of the magazines I read said these over here are the best. Super absorbent areas specifically placed for baby girls. Soft, stretchy elastic. Good for sensitive skin.”

“And the most expensive.” She grabbed the generic diapers out of his hand.

He grabbed them right back. “We can afford decent diapers.”

We?
“The store brand is decent enough. And it’s bad enough I let you talk me into accepting a paid maternity leave. I’m not going to waste your money—or mine—on fancy diapers just because the package is pink instead of generic white.”

“Fine.” He tossed the package back into the cart. “I just want her to have the best.”

“Trust me, she’s not going to be traumatized because her diapers don’t have specially targeted absorbency zones for girls.”

He resumed rolling along behind her in silence until she started picking through packages of boneless chicken breasts. “Why don’t you just call down to the bar and have them make you something. You don’t need to be cooking meals right now.”

She wished, not for the first time, she’d left him in the car with the window cracked an inch. “Jasper’s has a great menu and the food’s delicious, but it’s still a sports bar, Kevin. Sometimes I just want a salad with some sautéed chicken on the side.”

“I’m sure if you asked, they could make that for you.”

Turning around to face him, she put her hands on her hips. “If you think I’m going to interrupt your staff with special-order demands from above, you don’t know me at all.”

“Okay, so that wouldn’t be like you.” He gave her a small smile, not at all like his usual ones. “Maybe I could take you out for dinner one night soon.”

“For God’s sake, Kevin, I’m perfectly capable of making chicken and a salad with a baby in the apartment.”

“That’s not what I meant.” The smile faded as his mouth tightened. “I was asking you for a date. I just timed it badly, I guess.”

Timed it badly? He could say that again. “I have a three-week-old baby, Kevin, and—”

“We.
We
have a three-week-old baby.”

“Which is why dating should be the last thing on
our
minds. Besides, I thought you were going to find a woman who’ll let you into your life and not slam doors in your face and blah blah blah. Whatever.”

She tried to turn back to the chicken in case he could see on her face how much his words had bothered her, but he caught her wrist. “You’re jealous.”

“Am not.”

“Are, too. You’re jealous of a woman who doesn’t even exist.”

She jerked her hand out of his and grabbed the first package of chicken her hand fell on. She put it in the cart with the diapers that weren’t good enough and walked away. Maybe if she ignored him, he’d keep himself busy talking to Lily. She was sleeping, but that never seemed to stop him. She was beginning to think the Kowalskis were genetically incapable of being quiet unless they were sleeping, and giving birth to one hadn’t done anything to negate that impression.

Sadly, even pushing the cart, he had no trouble keeping up with her. “If you’re jealous, that must mean you care.”

“Of course I care about you, you idiot. But we’re not going to date and I’ve told you why a million times.”

“So let’s go back to the whole chocolate cake thing.”

Her face felt like it was on fire and she kept walking, right past the salad dressings. Maybe if she kept him in motion, the shoppers around her wouldn’t be able to grasp enough of the conversation to cause her embarrassment. “Let’s not.”

“So you’re on a diet, but you’ve got a nice big slab of chocolate cake sitting in front of you. You won’t eat the cake because you think it’s bad for you even though it’s not, and you won’t let anybody else eat it either.”

“If somebody wanted to eat the chocolate cake, I’d have to let her because I’m not going to eat it. Be sad for it to go to waste.”

“What if nobody else likes that kind of chocolate cake and it was made special for you? If you don’t eat it, it’s going to get old and stale.”

She snorted. “Like you’re going to get stale. I hear women who kiss bar napkins are particularly fond of chocolate cake.”

“Jealous.”

“Not.” She circled back and grabbed a bottle of ranch dressing off the shelf without stopping. “You can offer your chocolate cake to whoever you want.”

She managed to get the words out in a flippant enough tone, but she was crumbling like stale frosting on the inside.

The thought of seeing Kevin with another woman made her stomach roll over and her throat tighten, but she was too afraid to tell him that. She’d never had a friendship like the one she shared with Kevin and she was too afraid to risk it trying to take their relationship to the next level. Or to the level it was at before, as the case may be. And it wasn’t just about Lily’s parents being friends—though that was important to her. She couldn’t bear losing Kevin’s friendship.

“You’ll cave eventually.” He was obviously going for cocky, but the sadness in his eyes made her look away.

It would be best for all of them if she didn’t fall off the wagon again.

August

Beth was halfway through the pile of order forms on her desk before she realized she had no idea what she’d just read. With Lily napping in her portable crib at the end of the desk, she was having a few focus issues.

She’d been trying to keep up with some of the work in her apartment, but now that Lily was two months old, it was time to ease back into a real work schedule. Thankfully, Kevin had echoed her desire not to put their daughter in daycare yet, so a few things had been added to the office. The portable crib. A swing and her floor gym. It didn’t leave a lot of room to move around, but it would do as a temporary compromise.

After restacking the order forms, she started over, determined to pay attention. Lily was sleeping, so she needed to be working. That was the only way it would work. She owed it to Kevin who, not surprisingly, had provided a very generous, fully paid maternity leave.

Less than a quarter of the way through the pile of papers, she muttered under her breath and stacked them yet again.

Thoughts of Kevin weren’t any more conducive to concentration than Lily sleeping two feet away, and that made her very unhappy.

Her body was apparently well on its way to recovering from the strain of childbirth and it shared none of her mind’s reservations about reviving her attraction to Kevin. And since acting on it would ruin the delicate balance of friendship and co-parenting they’d found, she spent more time than she should trying to squash the shivers and the aches and the warm and fuzzies she got whenever he crossed her mind. She didn’t even want to think about what happened when she was actually in the same room as him.

It was embarrassing, really. And painful, to fight something she was pretty sure Kevin was willing to surrender to. He still looked at her the way he had before, with that unrelenting open invitation in his eyes. He was less aggressive about it than he was before, though.

He’d been unbearably sweet over the last two months, spending time with Lily whenever he had a free minute and making sure Beth had everything she needed without being pushy. He was getting a lot better at the just-being-friends thing, which was good since that was what she wanted.

No, not really wanted. It was what she thought was best for Lily and that made it the most important thing.

But there were still times, usually when she should have been sleeping, that she wondered what it would be like to be a real family. To wake up next to him every morning instead of him reluctantly saying good-night and going back across the hall when Lily went to bed.

It was too risky, though. There was too much at stake if things went sour and she couldn’t be sure they wouldn’t. There hadn’t been a point in their relationship, other than one date, that hadn’t revolved around Lily and, even though Beth was no longer pregnant, that remained the truth. She didn’t want to be part of a package deal and there was no way not to be.

When Paulie tapped lightly on the door and then stuck her head in, Beth was as relieved to be dragged out of her thoughts as she was to see her friend.

“Come in. She’ll be waking up in a few minutes anyway.”

“Things are getting pretty rowdy out front. Joe stopped in and he’s buying rounds for the house. Seemed like a good time to take a break.”

Sounded like an odd thing for a guy with a former drinking problem to do, but Joe was in Jasper’s fairly often and always had a soda. “What’s the occasion?”

“Probably not my place to tell you, so act surprised, but Keri’s finally pregnant.”

“That’s wonderful!” From what Kevin had said, Joe and Keri had been trying to have a baby since they got married. Almost a year now, she mused, since Lily had been conceived on their wedding day.

“I’m happy for them,” Paulie said. “They’ll be great parents.”

“I’m happy for Lily, too. This means she won’t be the low man on the Kowalski totem pole very long.”

“And she’ll have a cousin close to her own age.”

Definitely good news all around. “How’s Sam?”

“Good.” Paulie leaned back in her chair with a contented smile. “He had some meetings in Boston this week, but I’m going to browbeat Kevin into giving me a few days off next week so we can go over to the coast and be bums.”

“Be a good time for a beach wedding.”

Paulie started to laugh, then clapped her hands over her mouth to stifle it when she remembered Lily. “No wedding for a while. Right now we’re just enjoying each other, though I’m sure we’ll get around to it someday. When we’re ready to deal with our families, I guess.”

“I thought things were going better with your parents.”

“Sure. Mostly because I can ignore them. But there are some rules even Sam and I can’t get around. When we get married there’s going to be a Wedding, with a capital W. It’ll be hell for me, so we want to be totally solid before we go there.”

“No eloping, huh?”

“I wish.”

Lily stirred in her bed, scrunching her little face and making smacking sounds, and Beth sighed. “I may as well take her upstairs. I’ve been so distracted all morning, I haven’t gotten a thing done.”

“Make her a bottle and I’ll feed her. Go out front and see Joe for a few minutes. Join the party.”

She shouldn’t, but the offer was too tempting to pass up. She liked Joe, his down-to-earth nature having long ago overcome her awe of his success. It would be nice to offer her congratulations in person and ask him to pass them along to Keri.

The bar was almost at capacity when she got out front and the mood was good. Naturally her gaze was drawn immediately to Kevin, who was drawing a beer and laughing with his brother. She stood in the corner and watched him for a few minutes, trying to settle her nerves.

He was a natural when it came to bartending. Warm and friendly and quick to laugh. Jasper’s had a great atmosphere and even their slow times meant a reasonably steady flow of regulars. This definitely wasn’t a slow time.

Just as she was about to step out of the shadows, a tall and very busty brunette in a Red Sox tank top and barely legal shorts handed a napkin to Kevin across the bar. Judging from the fresh coat of paint on the woman’s pouty mouth, Beth didn’t have to guess what was on the napkin.

Kevin glanced at the napkin, then gave the woman a speculative look that made Beth’s stomach hurt. She hated this part of his job the most, no matter how often he claimed he had no interest in the napkin kissers. And, because it was good for business, he gave the woman a fully dimpled grin and a look that could lead her to believe he just might give her a call sometime.

Beth didn’t really believe he would, but it was unsettling to see the kind of temptation he faced every day. Especially since more than a few of the baby pounds she’d gained hadn’t been baby pounds at all, but Jasper burger pounds. She wasn’t in maternity clothes anymore, but she still felt slightly dumpy next to the napkin-kissing crowd.

Once the brunette had swayed her not-very-subtle hips out the front door, Beth joined the celebration. She didn’t miss the fact Kevin’s eyes lit up when he saw her in a way they hadn’t for the napkin kisser. It helped soothe her annoyance, but also put her squarely back in conflicted territory. She wasn’t willing to risk their friendship on a real relationship, but she didn’t want anybody else to have him, either.

She spoke to Joe for a few minutes, her heart warmed by the joy that was practically exploding from him. Then she sat in silence while another brunette slipped Kevin another napkin and he went through the routine again.

“Getting quite a collection there,” she said when the woman was gone.

“That’s the fifth one since I got here.” Joe smirked when Kevin gave him a quelling look.

“You mention babies and the women go crazy.” Kevin grabbed a seltzer and set it in front of Beth. “I must look particularly virile.”

Joe snorted. “Or particularly desperate.”

Beth didn’t care for the direction the conversation was taking, so it was time to jump in. “It’s a good thing you don’t bring Lily into the bar. If they see what a beautiful baby you made, we’ll have to double our napkin orders.”

He propped his elbows on the bar so his face was very close to hers. “I can’t make magic like Lily with any woman but you.”

“Oh.” She felt the hot flush creep up her neck into her face. Dammit, and she’d been doing so well.

Joe raised his soda in a toasting gesture. “Good one, Kev.”

“Shut up, Joe.” Kevin shot him a dirty look. “You got your girl. Trying to get mine here, if you don’t mind.”

The heat in her face spread to her entire body and Beth cursed the postpartum hormones that had to be to blame for the sudden hot flashes. “I should get back to Lily so Paulie can come back to work. Give Keri my best, Joe.”

She fled before Kevin could say any more. Clearly whatever cease fire he’d declared when she had the baby was over and she was fair game again. The assault by his charm, his sincerity and—God help her—his sexuality had resumed.

She needed to keep reminding herself that, if she surrendered, Lily’s happy childhood could be the hardest hit casualty.

***

“She’s not even giving you an inch, huh?”

Kevin shook his head as Beth disappeared through the door to the back. That was one way of putting it. “She already knows I want the whole mile.”

“What’s the deal with you guys, anyway?”

An empty mug raised at the end of the bar, but Randy was right on it. “She wants us to be friends.”

“More friendly than working together, practically living together and having a baby together?”

“No shit. But she’s got it in her head I’m all hot and bothered for a relationship because of the baby and that if we get together because of that, eventually it’ll fall apart and then we won’t be friends anymore, which would suck for Lily.”

Joe shrugged. “I get being worried about ruining the friendship, but relationships don’t come with guarantees no matter how they start. And it’s not like you just met. You guys have been together now—kind of—for what? Ten months?”

“No, she’s been holding me at arm’s length now for ten months, which sucks.” Except for that one time in February, which was way too damn long ago. So long ago the memory barely kept him warm at night anymore. “At first she was afraid I’d take over her life and now she’s afraid of ruining our friendship.”

“That’s a lot of afraid.”

“I’m afraid my balls are going to explode.” Too late, Kevin remembered they weren’t alone, but thankfully nobody seemed to be paying any attention. Wasn’t the kind of thing a guy wanted getting around. “She’s killing me. This whole thing is killing me.”

“Have you told her that? How you feel, I mean, not that your balls are going to explode because nobody really wants to know about that. Especially me.”

“She knows how I feel. I’ve made it pretty damn plain.”

“L word?”

“Yup.”

Joe arched an eyebrow. “That’s pretty damn plain. I’m guessing you didn’t get it back.”

“No, I got an explanation of how what I was feeling was because she’d been hit by a bus and then had a baby. It wasn’t real. Just emotional upheaval. Hell, even before the L word came into play, she had excuses for anything I might be feeling. I only cared about her because she was pregnant and shit like that.”

“Well how ’bout now? She’s not pregnant, she hasn’t been in any more accidents and Lily’s two months old.”

Now it was his turn to shrug. “I haven’t said it again.”

“Why not?”

Why not? Because having your emotions thrown back at you and explained away as not being real wasn’t something most guys did for shits and giggles. “Not really up for being emotionally kicked in the balls again, thanks.”

“A bit hung up on the family jewels there, pal.”

“Screw you, Joe. Easy for you to say, since you’ve got a loving wife waiting for you at home.”

“And you think it was easy? That she just magically fell into my arms?” Joe shook his head. “I took a few hits to the sac, too.”

“So you know, then. That it’s not easy to keep putting yourself out there.”

“I know it.” He took a long sip of his soda. “I guess the question is whether or not she’s worth the risk.”

He didn’t even have to think about it. “She’s worth it.”

“Then think about this for a while—if you haven’t told her how you feel since the accident-slash-having a baby, how is she supposed to know she was wrong?”

It was a damn good question and it gave him something to think about as his fool brother stood and called for another round on the house. The beer and the congratulations flowed again, as did a couple more lipstick-smeared napkins, which he tossed into the basket unread.

The only woman he wanted had made it very plain she’d never kiss a napkin for him.

***

Two-thirty in the morning and Kevin had his forehead and palms pressed to Beth’s door, listening to his two-month-old daughter cry.

Lily had one hell of a set of lungs on her and as the hours ticked by it became pretty obvious, even from his own apartment, she wasn’t in the mood to sleep. There were moments of silence and then the squalling would start up again—probably when Beth decided it was safe to lay her down again.

He wanted her to be comfortable coming to him for help, but as the hours ticked by, it became clear she wasn’t going to. She rarely did. No matter what he did or how often he reminded her, she couldn’t seem to get it through her damn head she wasn’t alone.

Damn stubborn woman.

When Lily’s shrieks got louder, no doubt from Beth’s pacing nearing the door, he gave up thinking about what he should do and knocked.

The door opened and it took every ounce of his self-control not to take a step back. She’d looked better while actually
giving birth
to the kid than she did right then. Her hair was insane and her face was puffy from lack of sleep. Her eyes were wet and red and she kept sniffling, as though she was in a constant state of near tears. The look in her eyes brought to mind a trapped, rabid animal.

And Mike had been right. She was still the most beautiful woman in the world and he didn’t want to be anywhere but here.

“I know she’s being loud,” she said in a wavering voice. “I’m sorry if we woke you up.”