Undefeated (Unexpected Book 5) (27 page)

As Virginia pointed out, I settled for a sad tree and nothing outside of the ordinary like Leo would do. No, not this year, or the next or . . . Holidays will never ever be the same. There won’t be a birthday cake. Worse, I dared to be with another man. I hold on tightly to the ashes and the picture close to my heart, wishing he were here tonight to celebrate his birthday. Fuck. I hid underneath a stone for a couple of years and when I came out thinking everything would be gone . . . it wasn’t. The heart wrenching pain remains. The hurt appears like a tsunami without a warning. Even when I fight to push it away, it remains attached like a second skin.

“Fuck, Leo, come back,” I scream at his picture on the nightstand. “I wasn’t ready for you to leave. We had so many more birthdays to celebrate together. Halloweens, Thanksgivings, Christmases . . . you gave up and left me. I’m tired of breathing, existing, and coping.”

The sorrow, anger, grief, and guilt claw at my heart and soul. Not letting me go and sinking me as I fight to stay afloat. Holding my head up is freaking hard. Praying for his return hasn’t worked. Not one prayer has been answered. My tear-stained pillowcase can attest to the endless pleas. Fuck, I hold my breath clutching the urn toward my stomach hoping to subdue the cries.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” his low voice murmurs in my ear. His hands take away the urn and frame that I hold tight as if my life depends on it, but I let them go. My lifeless, heavy body is pulled up from the floor. “I hate to see you sad. Tell me what can I do for you?”

“He’s gone,” I say between gasps of air and sobs. “I keep asking him to come back, bring him back to me. No one can replace him.”

“Mac,” one word filled with so much power that I feel warm inside. “He’s with you, walking beside you every day. Even when you can’t see him, he’s near.”

“He’s never coming back, is he?”

“Tell me how to make it better, Mac?”

“Make me forget.” I finally meet his gaze. A flash of pain illuminates his eyes, disappearing as fast as it appeared. “Make everything disappear.”

My plea is answered unexpectedly. He presses a kiss on my mouth. Tender. Soft. The first of many that he places on different parts of my face. At the same time, his hands pull on the hem of my t-shirt, just as slow as his kisses, he tugs it up until it goes over my head and my chest is bare. Each inch of skin he reveals tingles expectantly, waiting to be the next place where his lips will land. His hands glide up and down with grace, as if he was a sculptor and my body was a piece of clay that he molded with his masterful fingers.

Patient fingers that, like his mouth, take their time touching every inch of me. Making me feel desired—loved. Like the first time Leo touched me, loved me. We were each other’s first. Everything we experienced, we experienced it together. He promised that we’d reach every milestone together—even death. And I’m here, wishing he were the one touching me, yet begging another man to take me away from the nightmare I’ve been living under for so long. Too many seconds to remember.

As he reaches my long skirt, his hands pull it down revealing my bare skin. “You’re beautiful.” He kisses my right hip, then the left, building the need inside me. “Not here. Not on the couch.”

Porter sweeps me off the floor, carrying my almost naked body. His legs take long strides up the stairs and he enters the bedroom, closing it with one foot. As he rushes toward the bed, he sets me on top of it, crushing his body against mine. That luscious mouth of his takes control over mine with a feverish kiss. A greedy-hungry kiss that’s trying to devour me with just one bite. But so intense that it promises to last forever. My body is igniting and coming to life. Every cell is electrified by his touch, his scent, his . . . no, no. What am I doing?

“Leo,” I cry out in desperation, trying to fight what’s going on. He was the only man that ever touched me. The only one I let myself go to places that. I’m his. Only his.

Porter freezes, his eyes opened wide. His arms release me and chills run through my body as he begins to retreat. Loneliness seeps through my skin. “I . . . I’m sorry . . . Do you want me to stop?”

“I don’t know,” I whisper, as the deluge of tears takes over. Everything is so confusing. It left for a little while and suddenly the pain came back. Porter’s touch made it disappear.

“Erase it, don’t let it come back,” I plea again.

“Are you sure?” He murmurs, his lips tantalizing the skin behind my ear. “The last thing I want to do is to hurt you.”

Closing my eyes, I decide to pretend. Play make believe. Instead of brown eyes, I see Leo’s amber eyes. Loving me, celebrating his day the way we’ve done since he turned eighteen. “Please, don’t make me ask again, take it all away.”

He takes my bottom lip with his teeth, nipping at it. I lift my hands, running my fingers through his soft hair. His lips slide along my jaw, then he places lingering kisses along my neck and pulls the strap of my bra down with his teeth, tracing an invisible line with them through my skin. Shivers run through my system. Fuck, I want more. As if he can hear my thoughts, his mouth travels to my breast and a loud moan escapes me as he starts driving me to the edge.

One of his hands slides down my belly, until it reaches my pelvis. With a light push, he opens my legs slightly and slides his hand all the way to my sex, finding my clit and caressing it gently. Slowly. Building the need below my waist. As I rub myself against the heel of his hand, his long finger enters me. A loud throaty gasp resonates through the walls, as my back arches and my hips try to help me find the much-needed release. The build is intense, I can see the abyss I’m about to fall into and I want so badly to let myself fall.

“Yes,” I cry out. “Please, babe, do it.”

He muffles my orgasm with a kiss, absorbing everything I have to give. My insides explode as I reach the place he’s taking me.

“Let everything out,” he whispers, as his hand leaves me. I hear the sound of the foil and I force myself to keep my eyes shut. Live in the moment forgetting everything else. Even the man taking me to another galaxy and helping me forget my own name. Making me feel alive. “I got you, baby.”

My entire body buzzes with anticipation as he begins to sink inside me. Each inch of himself filling me. Taking away the emptiness. As he presses himself inside me, something breaks; I can hear it. A shell, maybe. I don’t think any further as the pleasure of having him sliding in and out numbs me and lust overtakes my actions. Each stroke of his cock has a gentle tempo that builds another orgasm. A much more powerful one that feels as if he’s possessing me, making me his.

Right as my insides combust he groans my name, coming along with me. Following me to the place where there’s no one else. His body shudders on top of mine.

His head drops over my shoulder. “Mac, I love you, baby,” he whispers. For a few seconds I let myself go, enjoying the bliss after falling from the highest climax I’ve ever experienced.

My eyes open when I register his scent, his voice, and his eyes. Fuck.

What did I do? In that moment my blood freezes. Same eyes that blur with the tears I can’t stop from falling. Grief crushes my throat—stops my breathing—and I push him. I push Porter away. My heart breaks all over again as the ache increases. The force of the guilt helps me to push him away from my body and jump out of the bed.

“Leo,” a sob escapes me. “I’m sorry. So, sorry.”

“Mac?” Porter’s eyes open wide, he leaves the bed and takes a step closer to me, but I take one back.

“Leave, please,” I beg him out of confusion, guilt, out of need. Because my traitorous body wants his hands, his arms, him. “I can’t. Maybe I shouldn’t have.”

He takes his clothes with him. As he leaves I shut the door close and collapse against it. Placing a hand over my mouth, I let myself cry. How could I do this to the love of my life?

Everything inside me hurts. My stomach fills with sharp glass; my lungs deflate. I’m angry with myself. Did I break my vows? Cheat on my husband? When I see the door that Porter closed, I’m embarrassed for the way I behaved with him. My body shivers, missing the connection between us. What did I do to him? How is it possible that after everything I did, and despite the confusion, I want to be in Porter’s arms?

“I’
m sorry for freaking out,” I hear Mac say. “I shouldn’t have asked you to . . . Look at me, I’m such a mess. Everything you do for us is perfect. I didn’t have anything to give them for Christmas and you bought them so much. God, I wish I could . . .” She takes my hand, squeezing it gently. Loving. And even when I’m giving her my best understanding face, I’m fucking dying inside. Because two nights ago I loved her with all my heart. Making love to her had new meaning; I felt a fucking connection that meant everything to me.

“You’re such a great guy,” she continues, her words shattering my heart. “Yes, you might’ve done pretty shitty things, but the man I met is strong, loving, caring, and so smart.”

And I fall even more in love with her because of what she says, even when she’s breaking my fucking heart. “I’ll take whatever you give me, Mac, as long as you let me be by your side.”

She shakes her head. “You deserve more than I can give you
now
.”

“I understand, Mac.” I want to fight her decision, but we both deserve more and neither one can offer that until we face our own fears and move forward on our own. “Maybe this is for the best.”

Her head drops slightly, her eyes facing the floor. “Promise you’ll continue being this amazing guy. You’ll find someone to fall in love and have a family with.”

I nod, biting down the words I really want to say to her. Staying on my two feet instead of kneeling down and begging her to let me be by her side forever. Telling her that I’m in fucking love with her, that two nights ago I meant every word I told her. “As long as you promise that you’ll call me if you ever need me—or if the kids need me.”

“I promise.” I pull her to me, holding her tight, and absorbing her sweet energy. Hoping that it’ll last me for as long as I live.

“That’s a lot of money, Porter.” Molly stares at the check I’m giving her. “Where are you going to go?”

“Seattle,” I explain to her, taping the last box and labeling it. “The money is to cover the rent of the house and for you to help Mac with Finn’s expenses. Send me her bank information when you have it, as soon as I find a job, I’ll start sending more. If Virginia tries to take away the children call me. My family has money; I know in my heart that if they learn about that shit they will help.”