Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Zipper Accidents (30 page)

None of those antics killed Bators, but they increased his pain threshold so much that he literally didn’t feel much pain as the years went on. That’s why in 1990, while in Paris to record new music, Bators didn’t think he needed any medical
attention when he got hit by a taxi while crossing the street. After leaving the hospital because it was “too busy,” he walked four miles in the rain to meet his girlfriend at their hotel room. He told her about the accident, but said he felt fine. Later that night he had trouble breathing, so his girlfriend called an ambulance. He was dead before it arrived.

It turned out that Bators had suffered a concussion and severe internal injuries from the accident. Had he been in more pain, he might have allowed the doctors to treat him, and he may have survived.

THREE DUMB DOCTORS

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John Hunter was a preeminent research scientist in the 18th century. He injected himself with several different diseases to study their effects. That’s how, in 1793, he discovered that syphilis is fatal.

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A smallpox epidemic struck France in 1715 and spared no one, not even the royal family. At their palace in Versailles, court doctor Guy Fagon prescribed purges, emetics, and bleeding. Within two weeks, the entire royal family was dead. All except for Louis XV, a baby, who was spared because his nurse didn’t trust Fagon and kept him hidden.

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Harold Senby of Leeds, England, visited his doctor in 1978 to check on his hearing loss. His hearing instantly improved when the doctor removed his hearing aid—it had been made for his left ear, but installed in his right. In 1958.

I
n preparation for a victory in the 2012 presidential election, the Mitt Romney campaign created the Office of the President-Elect website to provide information about Romney’s administration.

Either the campaign assumed it had the election in the bag, or it was set to go live on Election Night and nobody told it not to, but the site went live on Election Night 2012, just moments after major news outlets had called the election…for President Barack Obama. The Romney team pulled the site down in minutes, but several bloggers had already visited the site and saved screenshots. Among the highlights of the website from an alternate universe in which Romney won:

      
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Romney’s welcome message: “I’m excited about our prospects as a nation. My priority is putting people back to work in America.” Next to it was an image of a solemn Romney superimposed over an American flag.

      
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Details about “The Inauguration: January 21, 2013, in Washington, D.C.”

      
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How to apply for a job in the new administration.

M
ickey Tettleton went on the disabled list for athlete’s foot, which he got from habitually tying his shoes too tight.

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Rickey Henderson missed several games because of frostbite— he fell asleep on an ice pack.

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Pitcher John Smoltz once burned his chest. He’d ironed a shirt…while still wearing it.

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Marty Cordova went on the injured list after burning his face in a tanning bed.

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Outfielder Terry Harper once high-fived a teammate. The act separated his shoulder.

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Pitcher Clarence Blethen took out his false teeth during a game and put them in his back pocket. Later, while he was sliding into second base, the teeth clamped down and bit him on the butt.

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During the 1985 National League Championship Series, St. Louis Cardinals out-fielder Vince Coleman was fooling around on the field and managed to get rolled up inside the stadium’s tarp-rolling machine.

I
n June 2001, a group of guys threw a weekendlong bachelor party for a friend in Wiltshire, England. Early on Sunday afternoon, a bunch of the men grabbed the groom and his best man—the whole lot of them drunk—stuffed them into a car, drove them several miles down a major highway until they got to a very rural area, pulled over, dragged the men out of the car, and stripped them both naked.

They then covered the men with raw eggs, tomato sauce, and flour—and handcuffed their hands together. Then they drove off. Startled motorists called police some time later, when they saw the handcuffed accidental streakers stumbling along the side of the highway, coated in what looked like powdered vomit. After several hours the men were finally rescued—but not before they’d both gotten serious cases of sunburn on what was an uncharacteristically hot day. “They were very red,” a police officer said. “Some bits were redder than others…if you know what I mean.” Police got the men cleaned up, gave them paper gowns (like hospital gowns), and took them home. They said they would not be identifying the men…to spare them any further embarrassment.

A
h! “Coyote”!
In spring 2009, a jogger in Sarnia, Ontario, got spooked when she encountered a coyote. She ran to a nearby construction site and told a worker that the coyote had barked at her, and that it looked like it was going to chase her. The construction worker called police, who found the coyote, surrounded it, and put the animal out of commission. It was quite easy—it was a cardboard, photo-realistic cutout of a coyote. Sarnia had not been aware that Sudbury, Ontario—a city 250 miles away—had installed the $30 cardboard coyote to scare away geese that were pooping all over a park. The coyote had worked well…until somebody stole it and dumped it in Sarnia.