Unbroken Pleasures (12 page)

Chapter 11

I stopped the
car about a block away from Adam’s house just to calm my nerves before I could
actually face him. Sylvia had run through the scenario with me at least a dozen
times so I should have felt confident that I knew what I was facing but the
problem was that I didn’t think I could go through with it. I made two stops
after my conversation with Sylvia: one at my office to find Adam’s home
address, and one at home to prep myself for seeing him.

It did occur to
me that I was probably just a bit crazy to show up at the door of a man’s house
that I barely knew. After all, Adam and I had really only gone on two dates and
that is only if you counted our picnic in the park. Otherwise, I only knew him
from the times he brought in his dog for an appointment. I knew that he liked
me and after our conversation at dinner, he made it pretty clear the he wanted
to know me a lot better. But that didn’t mean he was going to appreciate the
fact that I was showing up at his house unannounced wearing not a whole heck of
a lot.

Sylvia assured
me several times that guys love this sort of thing and maybe in her experience
they did, but Adam wasn’t just any guy and I felt like I was taking a bigger
risk in having him never speak to me again than I was in making him fall in
love with me, if that’s even what I was going for in the first place.

After all, there
was someone else. I couldn’t admit my feelings to Sylvia because she’d made it
so clear that she didn’t like the idea of me chasing around after a complete
stranger and I knew after seeing him in the restaurant that he didn’t have any
intentions of knowing me, but a part of me still just couldn’t let go. I wish I
could rationalize my feelings in some way or make sense of the pull he had on
me. He’d ignited in me a sexual appetite that I hadn’t even known existed. If
it weren’t for our encounter, I don’t know that I’d even have had the guts to
show up at Adam’s house now.

As much as I
wanted to hang on to whatever shred of possibility might exist between Reese
and me, I knew that I had to stick to letting him go. Perhaps in my mind he’d
always exist as some form of inspiration for the way I’d relate to any man that
might become a part of my life now or in the future, but clearly, I wasn’t being
sensible in hoping to make Reese part of my life. It didn’t seem to matter how
many times I tried to convince myself of this fact, however, I knew that I’d
still always wonder if he was out there watching me. Would he approve of what I
was about to do with Adam or would be want to keep me for himself? I felt a
tingle of excitement at the idea of being in his arms and sighed. I needed to
suppress those desires if I wanted to live any semblance of a normal life.

I decided that
it would be better to leave the car parked where it was. I slipped off my
comfortable sneakers and replaced them with the awkward black stilettos that
Sylvia had lent me. I’d never get used to wearing shoes like this. It wasn’t
natural on my feet. I suddenly worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it from
the car to Adam’s front door without twisting an ankle. I stepped out of my car
and wrapped my coat tightly around my body. I felt exposed.

What would I do
if I knocked on the door and he wasn’t home I wondered as I started walking in
the direction of his house and looking at house numbers as I went. Or even
worse, what if I got there and he had company? Female company? Just because
he’d expressed an interest in dating me, that didn’t necessarily mean that he
wanted to be exclusive and I didn’t have any right to expect it.

I stood on the
porch for a long time taking deep breaths trying to calm my nerves but it
wasn’t helping. Every time I reached out to press the doorbell, my hands froze
and I couldn’t move. Was it worth the humiliation all for the sake of having a
man in my life again? I’d done that once already and look how it worked out for
me. When Ed walked out of my life, I swore I’d never go down that path again. I
didn’t need a relationship to make me happy. Why did I let Sylvia talk me into
this? I sighed and looked back in the direction of my car, suddenly wishing
that I hadn’t parked so far away. I knew I couldn’t follow through with this. I
clutched the long coat tightly around me and turned to step down from the
porch. I froze when I heard the door open behind me.

“Alex?”

I had two
choices. I could turn and face Adam and make up some excuse for why I was
standing on his front porch, or I could make a run for the car and hope that he
didn’t follow me. I looked down at the high heels that Sylvia had insisted that
I wear and I cursed under my breath. Running away was not a reliable option.

“What are you
doing here?” he asked. I wished that I could make myself invisible or pretend
like I couldn’t hear him but since either of those were likely to happen, I
turned slowly to face him and attempted a half-hearted smile.

“Hi, Adam,” I
said softly.

“What are you
doing here?” he repeated.

“I’m really
sorry to bother you. I was just … I was just … I was just leaving.”

“I was just
about to make some lunch. Why don’t you come in?”

I remained
frozen in place but images of the wonderful sandwiches he’d made for the picnic
popped into my mind and I heard my stomach rumble. I hoped that he couldn’t
hear it to but I could tell by the smile on his face that he probably had. He
stepped out of the house and took my arm to lead me into his home. My feet
followed without engaging my brain. I didn’t know what else to do.

“Can I take your
coat?” he asked as he closed the door behind us. I panicked.

“No! I mean, no
thanks. I’m chilly.”

“Are you sure? I
can turn up the heat a bit if you’re not comfortable.”

“Really, it’s
fine, thanks. Besides, I can’t stay long. I just came to apologize for last
night.”

His expression
darkened and he turned away from me indicating for me to follow. I did,
stammering for the right words as I went. This wasn’t exactly the way that
Sylvia had planned for things to go and I knew if she could see me now she
would be shaking her head in frustration. As I followed Adam, I couldn’t help
but notice that he was wearing only a pair of jeans. No shirt and no socks. His
hair looked wet like he was fresh from the shower. A different kind of hunger
twisted in the pit of my stomach. There was no denying the fact that Adam was
handsome. He had an earthly quality about him and he obviously kept himself in
good shape. My imagination tripped over an image of him and me naked and
tangled in his sheets, except that it wasn’t Adam’s face that I saw when he
reached down to kiss me. I cleared my throat as he turned to look at me again
with those piercing green eyes.

“Alex? Are you
okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine,
thanks. Sorry, I lost track of my thoughts for a moment.”

“I asked you if
I could offer you something to drink? A cup of tea maybe?”

“No, thanks,
really, I can’t stay.”

“So you said.”
His eyes left my face and trailed the length of my coat, all the way down my
stockened legs to the high heels on my feet. I wondered what was going through
his head.

“I was hoping
you would give me a chance to make it up to you,” I said, “I mean, since I sort
of put a damper on things last night.”

“It’s no big
deal, Alex. Don’t worry about it.”

“I don’t know
what came over me. He was someone that I thought I knew…”

“Really, you
don’t have to explain.” He stirred the sugar in his tea and tossed the tea bag
in the garbage, motioning for me to sit down at the table. I shook my head
quickly. I didn’t want to sit or make myself comfortable. I just wanted to know
that everything was okay and then I could leave. So far, he was telling me that
it was fine but his body language indicated that it was anything but. Maybe
Sylvia was right. Maybe I had to go through with what I came here for. Maybe I
had to prove to him that I wanted more. I stepped closer to him as he leaned
casually against the counter holding his tea mug and watching me. I was certain
he was trying to figure out why I was really here standing in his kitchen.

“I really do
like you, Adam.”

“I really like
you too, Alex.” Now he looked confused, like I was starting to speak in a
language that he didn’t understand. I was worrying him. “I know that things
haven’t been perfect in the past for either one of us. There is no need to rush
into anything.”

I stepped closer
so that I was only a few inches away from him and looking up into his eyes. I
could barely hold my resolve. I could tell he was debating whether he should
close the distance and kiss me or move away from me so I made the decision
easier for him, reaching up to place my lips against his. He kissed me back
tentatively and then pulled away, startling me a bit.

“What’s going
on, Alex?”

“Nothing. I told
you. I wanted to apologize.”

“Apologize how,
exactly?” His eyes moved down to my coat again which I realized I was holding
onto so tightly that my knuckles were turning white. I took a deep breath and
released my grasp. I unbuttoned slowly as I tried to move closer to him again.
This time he took a step away from me without hesitation.

“Alex, what is
going on?”

I kept
unbuttoning the coat and with a light shrug, I let it fall from my shoulders
revealing the black and red lace bra with matching short skirt attached by
garters to the stockings. Adam sucked in his breath at the sight of me and
froze in place. I took advantage of the opportunity to wrap my arms around his
neck and pull his lips back to mine for a more insistent kiss. I let my hands
trail along his chest and reach for the waistband of his jeans and was startled
when he caught my wrists in his hands and pulled away from me again.

“Alex…”

“I’m sorry,” I
said feeling a strange disconnect from reality, “I don’t know what I was
thinking.” I tried to pull away but he held me in place by my wrists.

“It’s not that I
don’t want to. I’m just confused. What is going on?”

“I thought it
was pretty clear,” I said working hard to keep the tears at bay that I felt
forming. I was already embarrassed enough. I didn’t need to start crying in
front of him to make it even worse. Why on earth did I have to listen to
Sylvia?

“A day ago you
weren’t even sure you wanted to have dinner with me and today you show up at my
doorstep wearing next to nothing and kissing me like this? My head is still
spinning. I’m not sure I can keep up.”

“Let me go,
Adam.” I struggled to pull from his grasp but he still held me firmly forcing
me to look into those green eyes and answer all the questions that were burning
there. I could see the lust that he had for me mingled with the confusion. He
wanted me but he was too afraid to give in. I just couldn’t understand why.

“What are you
doing here?”

“I came here to
have sex with you,” I said, annoyed now and trying to cover my hurt feelings
with a tough exterior, “but obviously that isn’t going to happen so will you
please just let go of me so I can cover myself.”

His gaze trailed
over my body again and I felt vulnerable and exposed. I didn’t know if I hoped
at that point that he would give in and take full advantage of me or if he
would give up and let me go so that I could run away from him and never look
back. If I hadn’t already turned him away last night, I sealed my fate today by
showing up like this. I’d never be able to look into those green eyes again.

“Oh, I want to,
believe me,” he said softly, “but I’m not convinced this is what you want.”

“Why would I
show up like this if I didn’t?”

“That’s what I’m
trying to figure out.”

We stared at
each other for what felt like an eternity, each of us trying to discover what
was hidden in the thoughts of the other. I felt like I could barely breathe,
not knowing whether he would decide to drag me to his bedroom or let me walk
out of his life forever.

“I think I
should go,” I said breaking the silence between us. My heart was beating at
triple speed and I wasn’t sure how much more I could endure.

He let me go but
when I tried to reach for my coat, he stopped me. He pulled me into his arms
and kissed me. I resisted the urge to push him away. This is what I’d wanted
all along, I reminded myself. This is what I needed. His hands caressed the
bare skin of my back and lightly brushing the sides of my breasts. He turned me
so that the counter was behind me and lifted me gently to sit on its smooth surface
as he positioned himself between my legs. His mouth left mine to cover my neck
in kisses while his hands explored my breasts and my stomach.

“Is this what
you want?” he whispered breathless into my ear.

I couldn’t think
clearly enough to give him a coherent response. I felt his hands on my thighs
inching upward toward the hem of the short lace skirt and I closed my eyes. He
kissed down to my breasts as his hands moved in circles upward. In my mind I
saw the stranger standing outside the kitchen window looking inward, watching
us, turned on by the way Adam touched me. He pulled back again and I looked at
him in confusion.

“What are you
doing?” I asked him feeling suddenly cold without the warmth of his body
against me. He ran his hand through his hair and exhaled slowly like he was
trying to reset and then looked back at me.

“It isn’t me
that you want.”

“What?” I was
too stunned to say anything more.

“I want to
believe that it is but I know it’s not. I saw the way that you looked at him,
Alex.”

I opened my
mouth to respond but no words came out. I wanted to deny the claim but it
seemed pointless when it was so obvious. I slid off the counter and picked up
my coat replacing it with trembling fingers. This time I was going to lose the
battle with the tears, I could feel it, but I didn’t know why I was so upset.
Was I upset because Adam had rejected me or because he saw through me so
easily?