Twice in a Lifetime (Carina) (16 page)

How did people do it—create happy, stable bonds that lasted? How could both parties be sure the other wasn’t going to leave at any given moment? Were they just faking it or were there really people out there who thought for ever was a real thing? She looked around, taking in every pair, every family. So many smiling faces—if they were all faking it, they were doing an exemplary job. Seeing all the happiness made her feel inadequate, but, she reminded herself, in the end she had the upper hand, because she was prepared for the end. When things went pear-shaped, she could always handle it, because she knew it was coming. Relationships were unsustainable. She could not name a single person in her life who had ever managed a healthy relationship for the long run. What she was seeing with these people was a snapshot in their lives. They had no idea the heartbreak they had coming, but Sarah did and she could prepare.

At least she had that.

Sarah met Liam at Reception at noon. She smiled when she saw him. Just the sight of him made her heart beat faster. If there was anyone she would bet for ever on, it was Liam. “How was your meeting?” she asked.

“It was good. I would have rather spent my morning watching you in your new swimming costume, but it was productive none the less.”

“I didn’t go swimming. I am not going to wear dental floss in public. I wouldn’t do that in Ibiza, let alone here. I already feel exposed just showing my knees. Now let’s get lunch. I discovered an amazing ice-cream shop. You get to pick your own ingredients and they mix it all up for you. Scotland needs one of those. I think you should open one on Princes Street. You would make a fortune.”

“I have a fortune,” he reminded her with a smile.

“But in my plan there is the added bonus of ice cream. Does your fortune come with ice cream?”

“You have a point. I may have to look into it. Ice-cream futures could be the way forward.”

Her heart stopped. He was only kidding, but the thought of him coming back to Scotland made her want to jump up and down. If she was one to entertain fantasies, that would be hers: Liam in Edinburgh again. He didn’t even have to move there, if he would just visit her from time to time. She stood on her tiptoes and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. “I think you are pretty great,” she said, but what she meant, what her heart wouldn’t let her say, was, I love you.

Liam’s palms were sweaty. He gave them a wipe on his suit trousers and then tugged at his tie. He was suddenly hot, uncomfortably so, more than the usual desert heat. This was something different. Fear or excitement, he couldn’t pick which, maybe both.

“Don’t forget your phone,” he reminded her. She would want to take pictures of tonight. Well, at least he hoped she did. It could all go horribly wrong and then neither of them would want any physical proof.

Sarah slid her phone into her bag. “You don’t have to tell me where we are going for dinner. But at least assure me there will be an extensive dessert menu.”

“You’re what’s for dessert,” he said. He leaned into her and caught her lower lip. He sucked gently until her mouthed open to him. He kissed her deeply, exploring her. She tasted perfect, she felt perfect, her soft body pressed against him. If he didn’t stop soon, she would be on her back in minutes. Apparently his body thought the sex they had earlier was just the beginning. So far today they had had sex in the shower, in the pool, against the kitchen counter and, his favourite, while he put her off watching Bab Al-Hara.

With a moan he pulled away from her. He didn’t want to stop but if he was lucky, they would have years of sex ahead of them. “Woman, you are very distracting. I don’t know how I get anything done when you are around.”

“You get the good stuff done.” She winked.

God, he loved her. Hopefully she felt the same. She had not said it other than in the past tense, but he was betting on her returning the feeling. He absently felt his breast pocket for the small velvet box. He let out a long breath and ran his hand through his hair. Christ, he was nervous. He should have used her greed against her and put the ring in a box of chocolates. He could make her say yes before he let her have one. He glanced at his watch. Did he have time to send Gemma for chocolates?

No, he was going to do this the right way, no tricking, or arm twisting. He was just going to lay it on the line: he wanted her and he would want her for the rest of his life. He tried to remember the words he had planned out but he couldn’t for the life of him get past the, “Sarah, I love you.” At least that was a good start. He could make the rest up as he went along. He had the important bits covered—he had a ring and he loved her.

“Are you all right?” Sarah asked when they were in the car. “You seem agitated. I would say you needed sex to help you unwind but we have already tried that. A lot.”

“No. I’m fine. I’m just…” Christ, what was he? He didn’t even know. “I am thinking.”

“Well, stop, because it is making you sad. I don’t want you sad on our last night together. I have big plans for you, Mr McPherson.” She slid her hand up his thigh.

Ahmed pulled over when they arrived at the private beach. A table had been set up with linens and fresh-cut sunflowers. He hoped they were still her favourite.

He took her hand and led her across the white sand. He kissed her cheek as he pulled out her chair. Christ, he hoped he didn’t mess this up.

“Wow,” said Sarah when she pulled the silver lid off her main course. She smiled brightly. “Is this peanut-butter cheesecake? Liam McPherson, I love peanut-butter cheesecake. And I love, love, love that you know that! In case there was any doubt in your mind, you are so getting lucky tonight. Any position.” She sank her fork into the dessert.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Liam warned.

“Well, any position that we can physically manage given my pain threshold and your very large penis. Sadly we might be a wee bit limited. But never fear, as you know I am amazing at controlling my gag reflex, so we will manage something.”

“You are amazing at a lot of things,” Liam said earnestly. Not even her flirting was going to put him off. He had a mission: make Sarah his, for ever.

“You’re not so bad yourself. You have some mad skills. I sometimes get a wee bit jealous when I think about where you learned some of them. But then I realise I should just be grateful. So thank you, all you anonymous women who taught Liam McPherson,” Sarah shouted into the horizon. There was no one around for miles. “I would write them all a thank-you letter, but I don’t have that kind of time.”

“I love you, Sarah,” he blurted. Shit. He was going to wait until she had had some wine and he had outlined the pros of being with him. He held his breath while he waited for her to respond.

“I love you too.” She picked up his hand and kissed his palm. “Almost as much as I love peanut-butter cheesecake. I think you should open a Cheesecake Factory in Scotland. You could put it right beside the Coldstone Creamery you are putting in on Princes Street. When I say Princes Street, I really mean next door to my house.”

“In Craigmillar? The windows would get smashed within hours.”

She scrunched up her nose. “True. Damn those schemie kids ruining my dreams.” Laughing, she held up her fist.

This wasn’t how he had planned it but he couldn’t wait any longer. He had to ask her. He had to know she wouldn’t leave him again. “You could always just stay here. No schemie kids here. And Dubai has no taxes and lots of sunshine.” And it has me. He didn’t say it but that was what he meant: choose me, Sarah.

“Yes, but you don’t have an overpriced tram and two hundred days of rain in a row. Without these things, what would I do? I wouldn’t have anything to complain about. I can’t have that—I’m Scottish. Whinging is one of the few things we excel at. Don’t take that away from me, Liam.” She laughed again and held her hand over her heart as if she had been stabbed.

She didn’t get it. She thought he was joking. Was it a joke to think they had a future together? Because he wasn’t laughing. “I am serious, Sarah. You don’t have to go home.” He stopped himself; he needed to come clean about Sam first. “I have taken care of Sam. He isn’t going to prison, or get the death penalty. This time.” He could not stop himself from adding. “I have checked him into a rehab here. He will transfer to a residential programme in Arizona in about a month’s time.” It was only a slight modification of the truth—he left out the part about Sam nearly dying in hospital because he suspected it would be a mood killer. They had talked enough about Sam; tonight was about them. “So you can leave tomorrow. There is no reason to stay. But…” He stumbled on the next words. They caught painfully in his throat. It really shouldn’t be this hard to propose. He took a deep breath. “I don’t want you to go.”

Sarah put the tip of her right ring finger into her mouth and bit at the already minuscule length of her nail. He was making her nervous. Why was she nervous? He was the one who should be nervous; she had all the power. She could say yes or she could tell him to get to fuck. And her face was looking a lot like the latter.

“My granny—”

Liam cut her off before she could say anything else. Thankfully he had anticipated this. “I have spoken to your granny. She is happy to move out here. I have put a deposit on a flat in our building. She will be closer here than she is in Scotland.”

“But my cat?” Sarah said.

“I spoke to a vet. I will get him his papers and you can bring him with you.”

Her face drained of colour. A look of terror washed over her. This wasn’t the reaction he had hoped for. But if he was honest with himself, this was the reaction he half expected. Sarah hadn’t changed. He was right: people didn’t change. She was scared. She would always be scared.

“My job…” She didn’t even finish her sentence.

“Fresh Start can continue without you. They have managed this week. I will give them more funding to hire another manager. There is a rehab centre here where you could work. Or I can set up another one for you to run. Just tell me what you want—I will make it happen.”

Sarah couldn’t breathe. Her heart raced, pounding painfully against her ribs. “Don’t…I can’t…I just…please.” She stood up and started running. She didn’t know where she was going or what she was doing. She just had to get away. She ran along the beach until her lungs burned.

Then she collapsed on the sand. She leaned over and held her head in her hands. What was he asking her? Why? Why did he want to pretend that it could work? Relationships never worked. He knew that too. He had seen it. Why would he ask her to pretend that they could do it? If she stayed, she would love him even more with each passing day and then when it ended? What would she do then? She could only just handle leaving now. Why would he do that to her? Familiar pressure built behind her eyes.

A long time passed before Liam came for her. She could see in his eyes that he knew it was over too. She didn’t want it to be over, she just didn’t want to hurt more. “I can come and visit you. I don’t have a lot of holiday time, but I can come and see you every few months. And you could always meet me halfway. What would that even be? Hungary?”

“No, Sarah. I am not going to have part of you. I want all of you.”

“Or nothing?” she whispered.

He nodded.

She reached out and touched his hand but he pulled away. “It is always all or nothing. Why?”

“It’s very simple, Sarah. At least one of us has to move. If you don’t want to live in Dubai, pick another city. I can run my company from any major city. It would cost me a small fortune to relocate. But I would do that for you. Do you get that, Sarah? I am willing to make sacrifices too. But you have to meet me halfway.”

She shook her head frantically. She couldn’t let people lose their jobs. A tear slid down her nose. She wiped it away with the back of her hand. “I can’t, Liam. I love you so much. And it hurts. Don’t you understand? I can’t do it. I can’t lose you later. I don’t want to go along through life thinking that everything is grand and then get blindsided. I’m not that strong. But don’t end it like this.”

“Like what? You are ending it, Sarah. You are freaking out and giving up. Again. For fuck’s sake. I thought you had grown up. Are you ever going to be able to handle a grown-up relationship? Because they come with risks, sweetheart.” The anger was palpable in his voice. His tone was so harsh.

“Don’t end it like this,” Sarah begged. Her tears were coming harder now, in a hot, heavy stream. “I love you, Liam.”

“I love you too, Sarah. But you need to grow up.”

“Fine. Just please don’t end it like this. Let’s go back to your place and have a nice night together. I want to be with you again.” She put her arms around him but he pulled away.

“I am not going to fuck you and then put you on a plane. I just asked you to marry me, for Christ’s sake.” He shook from the anger. His hands balled into tight fists, ready to strike. If she did not know him, she would be scared.

“Liam…I can’t come here or go away with you.” She couldn’t give up everything. Because when he was gone, she would have nothing left.

“So you’re doing it again,” he seethed. “You’re giving up on us? I want you to say the words so there is no confusion. You are giving up on us. Just like last time. You are weak, Sarah. You were weak then and you are weak now. If you go home now, it is over. For good. I don’t change my mind. You need to know that.”

A freezing knot formed in her stomach. She was going to be sick. He acted as if he were giving her a choice but he wasn’t. There was no choice. “Come to Edinburgh,” she begged. “It is a big enough city. You could work there.”

He shook his head. “Not even for you.” His eyes were cold, his mouth a tight, angry slit.

She knew his answer before he said it. She shook her head again. “Let’s have another night together. Just take me back to your place.” She put her hands around his neck and pulled his head down to meet hers. “Make love to me one more time,” she cried.

Liam pushed her hands off him. “That’s twice, Sarah. You have thrown us away twice. You won’t get another chance.” His whole body changed, his posture rigid, his glare stony. He was a stranger again. The stranger she loved. “I will have Ahmed take you back to get your things. I’ll call my pilot and arrange for him to take you home tonight.”

“Don’t, Liam. I can leave tomorrow. Let’s have another night. Don’t end it now.” She needed another night. He had to understand. She loved him; he had to know that.

“You ended it, Sarah. It has always been you.” He turned from her and did not look back.

She hurt. Her whole body ached. She wanted to run again, to him and from him at the same time.