Twice in a Lifetime (Carina) (9 page)

Sarah started to bounce in place. This really was good news. If, no when, Sam came home, there was a residential programme willing to take him. “You are the best, you know that, right?”

“Sure do. It is just the convincing other folk that is my problem.”

“Thanks again, Leslie, for everything.” She said goodbye and then hung up.

“Sam’s got a place in a residential rehab centre in Fife,” she told Liam. “I know he is on the ‘do not talk about’ list, but it is really great news. I had to tell someone.” Her smile was so broad, her cheeks were starting to ache.

“Putting the cart in front of the horse just a bit,” Liam said.

“No,well, maybe. But there has to be a forward plan in place.”

Liam shook his head. “Why do you put so much bloody effort into that man? And don’t give me any shit about every human being having value.”

“What happened to the list? I thought we weren’t talking about Sam.”

“Just explain it, because I sure as hell don’t get it. If roles were reversed, he wouldn’t have your back. Are you in love with him?” he asked.

“You asked me that before,” she answered.

“No, I asked if you were shagging him. Love is a very different thing.”

“There has never been anything romantic between Sam and me. I am not in love with him, but I do love him. I love what he once was. I love what he could be. I love his potential.”

“What potential?” he demanded, the anger making his voice hoarse. “At some point it can’t be called potential any more. There has to be some likelihood that it will be realised. You’re smart enough to know he is never going to amount to shit.”

“That’s not fair. Where there is life there is hope.”

“Fuck the platitudes.”

“He did have potential until he was arrested the night before you left.”

“He stopped having potential long before he went to the dealer’s house with a gun.”

Sarah stopped dead in her tracks.
How did Liam know about the gun
? No one other than the police knew about the gun—no one, not even her granny. Sam pled to a lesser offence to avoid doing time for a weapons charge. A sick feeling washed over her. The events of that night played back to her in vivid Technicolor®. Her mouth went dry. She wanted to scream. She looked at Liam, and, without a word, they both knew the other person knew.

They went through the lobby and into the private elevator. Liam put in the executive key and then let out the breath he had been holding. He turned to speak but she didn’t let him. “Shut up. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know.”

“I need to—”

“I told you to shut up.” Her legs couldn’t hold her. She grabbed the railing for support and turned the key until it clicked and the elevator stopped between floors.

Within seconds a voice patched through the elevator asking if everything was OK.

“Everything is fine. We just wanted to enjoy the view,” Sarah managed to say before turning to look at Liam. It was a plausible lie. The view from the elevator was superb; the sun was setting over the city skyline, painting it a dusky pink. It would have been beautiful had she given a damn.

Her heart pounded violently against her ribs. Whatever relationship they had would be destroyed as soon as he confirmed what she already knew. She wasn’t ready to admit it to herself. The Liam she knew would be gone for ever. She needed one last piece of him, of that Liam, before she let the dream go. He was slipping away again and she had only just found him. She needed to feel him again, with nothing between them. She wanted to remember what they were once upon a time. Even if it wasn’t real, even if the boy she loved was just an invention, just memories warped by time.

For a few minutes she would turn off all rational thought and reason; those could only hurt her. She just wanted to feel. She had until they reached the penthouse to pretend that nothing had changed, that her Liam was still there, able to give her comfort and pleasure.

She needed that illusion now. This was her only chance to have him again. They had wasted their chance before. This time she would not make that mistake. She would have Liam again while she could still pretend he was hers.

“When the doors open you are going to tell me everything. And I will probably hate you.”

Liam nodded wordlessly.

“But right now I don’t know anything, not for sure.” She leaned into him, until her lips brushed against his. She needed to feel him. She needed to have him inside her, whoever he was. He wasn’t the man she thought he was, not the one she had missed for a decade. He wasn’t the man she compared every man to. But he was the man she wanted right now.

He caught her lower lip between his and sucked gently. A bolt of desire ran through her, sending hot tendrils of pleasure to every nerve ending in her body.

“Sarah,” he moaned into her mouth. His hands ran down her sides and settled on her hips. He grabbed her and crushed her body against his, his erection pressed against her belly.

Her hands went to his belt; she pulled on it until the smooth leather gave up its hold. Her fingers fumbled with his zip. He grabbed her hands and pushed them against the glass panel that separated her from the city. He held her in place with one hand while the other pulled her panties down just below her knees.

Effortlessly Liam lifted her and placed her on the brass railing. It was cool on the naked flesh of her thighs. Her ass pressed against smooth glass. He undid his trousers, freeing the length of his hard erection. She circled the tip of his shaft, her hand unable to wrap fully around his girth.

“Tell me to stop and I will,” he said.

Her response was to pull him closer. With a single thrust, he was in her. She winced as her body stretched to accommodate his size. She took a deep breath and willed her body to make room for him, but when she did he pushed further and filled her deeper. She bit into his shoulder to keep from crying out, pain mixing with exquisite pleasure as her body clamped down around him.

His hand went to her face and held it tenderly. He pushed a lock of hair out of her eyes with the pad of his thumb.”Sorry. You weren’t ready,” he said. He stood perfectly still, allowing her time to adjust to him.

“No, it is fine. You’re even bigger than I remembered,” she panted against his chest.

He slid out of her slowly, then back into her. She moaned and bucked her hips, pulling him farther in. She was hot and wet, almost painfully tight around his swollen cock. He would not even need to move, and he would be coming soon. Maybe it was because he had never had sex without a condom, or maybe it was because it was Sarah—either way he was not going to last long so he enjoyed the sensation of being encased in her. He pushed into her fully; his mouth came down on her, capturing her groan. His hand reached between them, searching and finding the sensitive spot between her thighs. His thumb circled her clit at the same pace he thrust into her. She pushed her hips further into his hand. He could feel her tightening around him, ready to come. He slowed down so he could pull back and watch her face. “Don’t stop,” she cried.

“I couldn’t stop if I tried,” he said.

She came hard and fast, her muscles clenching down on him in rhythmic waves. He pushed into her a final time, groaning with pleasure as he found his own release.

He held her silently while the last waves of her orgasm washed over her.

Sarah slid down from the railing. She pulled her pants on and turned away from Liam. She could not look at him now. She needed to think and he was too close for that. She turned the executive key and the elevator started its assent again.

“Sarah,” he said just as the doors opened to the penthouse. He reached for her hand.

She pulled away. “No,” she said. She went to the bedroom and closed the door.

Sarah took a long hot shower. She was sore and satiated and sad all at the same time. If she weren’t numb she would probably cry. She pulled her yellow dress back on and opened the bedroom door, ready to face Liam. It was a conversation she was dreading, but she didn’t need to—it wasn’t as if she was going to learn anything she didn’t already know.

Liam was sitting on the patio staring into the skyline.

“I need a drink,” she said. Thank God Liam had the licence required by Dubai to keep alcohol at home, because Sarah was going to need something strong to get her through this conversation.

He returned moments later with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

“I don’t want wine—this isn’t a date. I will take a whisky and lemonade if you have it,” she said.

“Room service does.” He made a quick call and then sat down.

“I am on the pill so you don’t need to worry about that.”

“I didn’t even think about it. I am clean. I have never had sex without a condom.”

“Me either. Looks like we shared another first,” she said humourlessly.

“I sort of lost control back there. I am sorry if I hurt you,” he said.

“The betrayal hurt worse,” she said.

He exhaled loudly. “So you know now. I have thought about that night so often I could recite everything we said and did from the time I picked you up until the time you got the call.”

The doorbell rang and Liam went to answer it. He returned moments later with her drink.

“Thanks,” she said. The whisky burned as it washed down her throat. “What happened that night?”

Liam rubbed the stubble with the back of his hand. “I took a calculated risk and I lost.”

“What does that mean? Just tell me straight. We both know. I just need to hear it. How did you know about the gun?”

“And then what?”

“And then…I don’t know…then I will know.” She wrapped her arms around her folded knees. She felt cold despite the blistering heat.

“First thing you need to know is, it did not start that night. It wasn’t like everything was going along swimmingly, and then Sam got picked up by the police. He had been spiralling out of control for months and he was dragging you down with him.”

“I…” Sarah stopped herself. She needed to hear Liam’s truth before she said anything or reacted. She took another drink to numb herself further.

“I wasn’t sure you were even going to get the exam results you needed because you were spending so much time with him, giving him pep talks, looking after him when he was high, and when he was coming down. You started missing classes to take care of him. You were getting sucked in. I was worried about you.”

“Why didn’t you speak to me?” she asked.

“I did speak to you, but you were so bloody-minded. You thought Sam was going through a phase. You said he would snap out of it. But he just got worse and you got drawn deeper in.”

“So what did you do? Say it. I need to hear the words.” She closed her eyes and waited for the sting of his confession.

“Two days before I left, I found a gun in his flat and a bag of heroin. I confronted him. He admitted that he was dealing. I told him…fuck, you know what I told him. I told him he was a loser that would never amount to anything. And I told him to stay away from you. We got in a fight and I thought that was it. But the next day, when I saw you, you told me you had been out with him.”

She thought back, reliving the days that led up to that night.

“He could have got you arrested or killed and he didn’t give a fuck. He was going down and he didn’t care who he took with him. So I called the police. I grassed him up. I figured out he was getting his stash from Portobello, so I tipped off the boys at Lothian and Borders and made sure you were as far away from there as you could get.”

“You used all of your savings to book a night for us in the Balmoral Hotel. You said you wanted our first time to be special, I didn’t realise that meant getting me out of the way so you could stick it to Sam.” A cold chill washed over her. She felt as if she was going to be sick. She forced herself to look at Liam. His heartfelt confession in the restaurant was bullshit. That night wasn’t about love; it was about vengeance.

“Christ, Sarah! Did you hear anything I just said?”

She shook her head. “I really thought that night was about us,” she said incredulously.

“Of course it was about us. Who else would it be about? I didn’t want our first time to be in the back of a car. Or on the beach with me rutting away, hoping we wouldn’t get caught. You deserved better. I could have fucked you a thousand times before then, but I wanted to give you better. That night was about us starting our future together. It was about me being in love with you.”

A shiver ran up the length of her spine as she played back the night again. She shook her head. “I remember you taking my phone. You turned it off and put it in the safe. You said it was because you wanted me all to yourself. But it was because you knew Sam would phone me when he got arrested. When
you
made sure he was arrested.” Her voice cracked.

“Sam got himself arrested. I just made sure you weren’t with him.” There was no hint of remorse in his tone. “I would do it again.”

Sarah squeezed her eyelids together; a painful pressure was building, but she would not let herself cry. Even with all the pieces, it still didn’t make sense. “We were friends. He was your best friend,” she said.

“You were my best friend. You were my responsibility. When he put you in danger, he stopped being my friend. My only allegiance was to you.”

“Then why did you leave?” She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer; the hurt was as fresh as it was a decade earlier.

“I couldn’t stay. We didn’t belong there. I begged you to come with me. But you made your choice. I had to be man enough to accept it.”

“You took away everyone’s choice when you grassed Sam up. You could have spoken to me. We could have sorted it out. Sam needed help then, not prison. He went into Saughton Prison a messed-up kid and he came out a broken man.”

“And said what exactly? What would have made you give up on that piece of shit? Tell me the words. I will say them now.” Liam’s face contorted with an agonised plea.

Sarah stood up. She had heard what she needed to hear. She couldn’t be in the same room as Liam, the same building. He reached for her hand but she pulled it away. She grabbed her bag and headed for the lift.

“Sarah, come back.”

She ignored him. She needed to get away. “Sam had a chance, and you took it away,” she said as the doors to the lift closed. Her head hurt; thoughts chased each other, darting back and forth from past to present. She thought about who Sam was before he went to jail and the man she picked up at the prison gates. All hopes he had for turning his life around were taken away when he got locked up. She could not stop thinking about what would have happened if Sam had gone into rehab then. That was the only part of the story Liam was missing. Yes, Sam had been dealing; she knew that, even then. But she had convinced him to get treatment. The day he got arrested they had gone to Spittal Street together; she had helped him fill out his intake assessment. He was going to get help. He was going to start methadone. He was going to drop off the stash he had and tell his dealer he was walking away.

And he might have got clean then and stayed clean, or he might have screwed up and ended up in the same mess he was in now, but it would have been his doing. Liam had had no right to turn him in. He could pretend it was for her but it wasn’t. He hated Sam the minute Sam took his first hit. Liam had no tolerance for weakness. Everything was black and white for him, good and evil, his friend or his enemy. That was why it was so easy for him to walk away.

When Sarah got to the lobby she realised she didn’t know where to go. It wasn’t as if she had any friends in the city to call. “Fantastic,” she mumbled to herself. She could go to the hotel bar but she was scared to let herself have another drink. The last thing she needed was to turn to alcohol; that could easily become a habit, and she knew all too well where that road led—no place she wanted to be.

She settled on finding a place to eat. She wasn’t even hungry, but sometimes when the world went wrong, a girl had to eat it right.

Hotels were notoriously overpriced so she wouldn’t be eating here. Except that, she could eat here and charge it to Liam because it was his fault. He deserved to be footing the bill this time. She would order the most expensive things on the menu. Hell, she might order everything on the menu. She ignored the little voice at the back of her mind that reminded her that Liam was insanely wealthy and the bill would not even be a blip on his radar. She shook her head in disgust at the thought of his fortune; his money was annoying her right now. His looks were annoying her; the fact that five minutes in an elevator beat all the sex she had had in the past ten years really pissed her off.

She ordered an ice-cream sundae and a Greek salad. The waiter did not seem too fussed when she instructed him to bring the ice cream first. Maybe he was used to the practice, or maybe he was a really good waiter.

Her phone rang. She did not recognise the number but it was the Dubai country code. It would be Liam calling to check on her, or rub it in, or just be an ass; whichever way there was no danger of her answering it so she hit decline and returned to her lovers—Ben and Jerry.

Two minutes later the phone rang again but this time she answered it because she did not want to play games, and she wanted to tell Liam again what she thought of him.

“You are an ass,” she said as she picked up the phone.

“I never denied that,” he said.

“Well, that is one thing you have not lied about so, woo hoo for you, you are making progress. Maybe in another ten years you won’t be a complete cretin.”

“Where are you?”

“I am eating the world right. And you are paying for it, by the way. And you are paying for my return flight. And you know what? You are going to pay for a therapist so I can figure out why I spent so many years in love with such an ass.”

“Fine. Just tell me where you are.”

“No, I am not going to tell you where I am. And I am not going to speak to you any longer because my dinner is melting. Goodbye.” She turned the phone down so she could not hear it ring and returned to her ice cream. Why couldn’t men be like ice cream—sweet and comforting, and always satisfying? Well, Liam was the last thing, but that was really all he had going for him at this point.

Sarah finished her first course and then decided to phone the hospital to check on her granny. She would be out of surgery by now, probably still a little drugged up though. She was going to send Liam her phone bill too. Man, she wished he were poor, so that would sting more.

“Hello, I would like to speak to a patient: Gladys Campbell.”

The nurse patched her through.

“Hiya, hen. How is the sunshine? You brown as a berry yet? It is still chucking it down here. You’ll not be missing the weather.” Her granny sounded her usual chipper self.

“How are you feeling? Did the surgery go well?”

“They dinnae do it yet, hen.”

“I thought it was scheduled for this morning?”

“Aye, it was. But there was an emergency and I got pushed back. Now got to wait until after the weekend. Hoping to have it done on Monday, but the consultant says it depends on what cases come in at the weekend.”

“What do you mean they have postponed it? They can’t just leave you hoping you will get a spot in the operating theatre. That is totally unacceptable.” Sarah could hear someone coughing in the background. It sounded as if someone was going to bring up a lung. Great, the last thing Granny needed was to catch something in hospital. Granny needed to have her operation and get home.

“Dinnae fret, hen. They have given me this thingamy with a button. I just push it every time my hip gets a wee bit too sore. And let me tell you, I don’t stand for any carry-on so I am pushing it a fair bit.”

“They gave you a morphine pump—that is how they are dealing with it?” Sarah took a deep breath and tried to control her frustration. She knew the NHS was cash strapped and waiting lists were necessary, but there was no excuse for leaving an octogenarian waiting so long, completely bedridden and in pain.

“It is fine, hen. Dinnae be getting yourself all worked up. I just wish the nurses would take me down for a smoke.”

“Gran, you can’t smoke before an operation. It will make it harder to heal. I think it is time for us to have that talk about you quitting.”

“I cannae hear ya, hen. This connection is patchy. Kiss the prodigal son for me.” The phone went dead. Sarah stared down at her phone. Her grandmother had just hung up on her! She could not even convince her own grandmother to read a smoking cessation leaflet. That was hardly a ringing endorsement of her abilities as a drugs counsellor. And then there was Sam…

Sarah motioned to the waiter; she was going to need some cake too.

“Would you like that after your salad or before?”

She scrunched up her nose. She didn’t feel like a salad any more but she might as well make some effort to appear balanced. “Can I have them at the same time, please?”

“Certainly, madam.” He smiled, not even a hint of judgement on his face. He was definitely going to get a big tip.

Liam entered the restaurant and spotted her before she had time to duck under the table. She was too exhausted to run and too deflated to fight.

“I thought you were having ice cream,” he said when he reached the table.

She glared at him. “I did. These curves take a lot to maintain.” She patted the expanse of her hip.

“Then I suggest you order a piece of pie as well. I am quite partial to those curves.” He smiled; the dimple in his cheek appeared. Man, he was gorgeous. Why did he have to be so good-looking? And so devoid of compassion? It was a horrible combination.

“How did you know I was here?”

“Because it is the only place I have an open bill—well, the only place you know about. You gave yourself away when you said I was paying.” He glanced at the menu.