Truly Tasteless Jokes Three (2 page)
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What’s a ski jump?
A Polish whore.
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What’s a Polish cocktail?
A glass of water with a booger in it.
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Did you hear about the Pole who registered for the draft board at the lumber yard?
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Two Poles were hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Stanley had read that when lost, you fire three times into the air and help would come. So he did, but nothing happened. An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend Jerzy told him to try a third time.
“Okay,” said Stanley, “but we’re almost out of arrows.”
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What’s the difference between a Polish girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
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The Polish couple asked their kid what he wanted for his birthday. He said, “I wanna watch.” So they let him.
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Did you hear about the Polish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?
He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
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Why do Poles make the best astronauts?
Because they take up space in school.
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Did you hear about the Pole who was found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head?
He tried to hang himself with a rubber band.
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Why don’t they let Poles swim in the ocean?
Because they leave a ring.
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Did you hear about the Pole who thought manual labor was the president of Mexico?
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What did the Pole do when the doctor found sugar in his urine?
He pissed on his corn flakes.
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How many Poles does it take to paint a house?
Six thousand and one. One to hold the brush and six thousand to turn the house.
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Why do Polish people have holes in their faces?
Because when they eat with a fork they always miss their mouths.
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Did you hear about the new football stadium in Warsaw?
It had to be torn down, because everywhere you sat, you sat behind a Pole.
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What happens if a Pole doesn’t pay his garbage bill?
They stop delivery.
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Polish girl: “Daddy, I lost my virginity.”
Father: “Did you look under the bed?”
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Know what a “fuckoff” is?
The tie breaker at a Polish beauty contest.
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Did you hear about the old Polish man who told his children that his only wish was to be buried at sea?
His two sons drowned digging his grave.
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An Englishman and a Pole are crossing the Sahara when their camel falls ill. It becomes obvious that the animal desperately needs water, but when they finally reach an oasis, the camel refuses to drink. The two men try every way they can think of to get it to drink, but to no avail. Finally the Pole says, “Listen, I’ve got an idea. You stick its head in the water and I’ll suck on his asshole, and we’ll use him as a straw.”
A few minutes later the Pole says to the Englishman, “Could you lift his head up a bit? I’m only getting mud from the bottom.”
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What’s Polish shishkebab?
A flaming arrow through a garbage can.
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What was the Pope’s fourth miracle?
He heeled a dog.
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Why did the Pole flash the Venus de Milo?
He wanted to expose himself to art.
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Did you hear about the Pole whose husband was out shooting craps?
She didn’t know how to cook them.
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Pole: “Are you Italian?”
Italian: “Why, yes I am.
Pole: “Aloha!”
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Did you hear about the Pole who went ice fishing?
He came home with a 200-pound chunk of ice.
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How did the two Poles get hurt raking leaves?
They fell out of the tree.
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How do two Poles engage in oral sex?
They stand at opposite ends of the room and yell, “Fuck you!”
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Why does the new Polish navy have glass-bottomed boats?
So they can see the old Polish navy.
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How do you sink the Polish navy?
Put it in the water.
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Twelve Poles were about to rape a German girl, and she screamed, “Nein, nein!”
So three of them left.
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There are two hippies and a Pole walking down the street. The first hippie’s snapping his fingers and saying, “I got rhythm.” The second hippie’s snapping his fingers and humming, “I got rhythm.” They both look over at the Pole, who’s busy snapping his fingers too, and ask, “Hey, do you have rhythm?”
“No,” says the Pole, “I’ve got a booger on my finger.”
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A pro golfer drove into a filling station in his fancy Cadillac. The Polish pump girl noticed some of his golfing equipment on the front seat, and asked the driver about it. So the golfer good-naturedly explained, “Those are tees—I rest my balls on them when I drive.”
Geez,” said the Polish girl, “what’ll those Cadillac makers think of next?”
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Did you hear about the Polish girl who thought her period was French Provincial?
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Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig?
Lawrence of Poland.
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What’s a set of matched Polish luggage?
Two shopping bags from the same store.
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Remember the Polish woman who thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease?
She also thought asphalt was a proctological condition and that ping-pong balls were a
venereal disease from China.
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How come Poles never make Kool-Aid?
They can never figure out how to get a quart of water into the little envelope.
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A 6’8”, 280-pound black man walked into a bar, sat down next to a white guy, and said, “I’s big and I’s black and I loves to fuck white women!” The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out of the bar.
The black moved over next to another white man and said, “I’s big and I’s black and I just loves to fuck white women.” The white guy took one look at him, blanched, and ran out of the bar.
The black then went over to a Pole who was having a few at the bar and said, “I’s big and I’s black and I loves to fuck white women.”
The Pole looked at him and said, “I don’t blame you one bit. I wouldn’t fuck a nigger either.”
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Why don’t they give a Polish work crew more than half an hour for lunch?
They don’t want to have to retrain them.
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What do they do with old garbage trucks?
Sell them to Poles for campers.
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How do Polish mothers teach their children to put on their underwear?
Brown in the back, yellow in the front.
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What does a Polish businessman carry in his briefcase?
Briefs.
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A Polish family is sitting around watching TV and the father leans over to the mother and says, “Let’s send the kids to the S-H-O-W so we can fuck.”
W hat bites but doesn’t swallow?
A Jewish girl.
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Do you know how copper wire was invented?
Two Jews found the same penny.
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What do you call a JAP on a waterbed?
Lake Placid.
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How does a JAP call her family for dinner?
“Get in the car, kids!”
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What’s green and hates Jews?
Snotzies.
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What’s a JAP’s favorite erotic position?
Bending over the credit cards.
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What’s a Jewish ménage a trois?
Using both hands to masturbate.
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How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.
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This Jewish guy pays a visit to the local whorehouse. He’s too cheap to buy a rubber, so instead he wraps the label from his coat around his dick. Needless to say, this falls off in coitus, but he never even notices. Later the same day an Irishman purchases the services of the same girl, and just as he’s about to come he notices something fall out of her cunt. Picking it up, he reads: “Roth & Stein, Tailors.”
“Jesus,” he says, “where will those Jews advertise next?”
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Two Jewish woman are talking. Says Sophie, “Oy, have I got a sore throat.”
“When I have a sore throat I suck on a Lifesaver,” counsels Sadie.
“Easy for you, you live at the beach.”
“My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami,” reports Sadie to her friend Sophie. “She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends.”
“My daughter’s a whore too.”
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How do Jewish storeowners celebrate Christmas with their families?
They dance around the cash register singing, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.”
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Why do Jewish girls think prostitution is such good business?
“Ya got it, ya sell it, ya still got it!”
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What’s a JAP’s idea of perfect sex?
Simultaneous headaches.
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First Jew: “Do you like pussy cats?”
Second Jew: “Yes, I do, but Pussy Cohen is okay too!”
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Two old Jews are standing at the urinals in a men’s room. The first Jew glances over and notices that the other one is pissing at an angle.
First Jew: “I see you were circumcised by Rabbi Steinberg.”
Second Jew: “I was, but how can you tell?”