Truly Tasteless Jokes Three
Truly Tasteless Jokes Three
by
Blanche Knott
Ashtonia LLC
Truly Tasteless Jokes Three
Copyright © 2011 Blanche Knott
eBook ISBN 978-0-9833594-2-5
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means, including mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, internet, or otherwise, without the express written consent of the author.
All digital rights revert to the author and Ashtonia LLC which holds all rights of publication to this and all electronic eBook editions.
FIRST E-BOOK EDITION - May 2011
Published in the United States by Ashtonia LLC
Web: trulytastelessjokes.com
eBook Production: Swensonia Inc.
Original Print Edition appeared as a Ballantine Book, published by The Random House Publishing Group, 1985
This book is dedicated in true gratitude to the many contributors whose generous spirits and sick minds made it possible.
For TLD—it’s all his fault.
Did you hear about the all-expenses-paid vacation for losers?
—Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
—Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
—Ted Kennedy’s your chauffeur on the island.
—You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
—You have drinks with William Holden.
—And Roman Polanski stays home and watches your kids.
*
Why does Nancy Reagan always get on top?
Because Ronnie can only fuck up.
*
What’s yellow and sleeps alone?
Yoko Ono.
*
Why can’t Santa Claus have babies?
He only comes once a year, and it’s down a chimney.
*
Did you hear Karen Carpenter’s brother’s new song?
“She Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Sister.”
*
Why is Billie Jean King so good at tennis?
Because she swings both ways.
*
Why does Linda Ronstadt sing so slow?
Because she has a governor on her.
*
What’s grosser than grease on Olivia Newton-John?
“Come on Eileen.”
*
Have you seen Dolly Parton’s new shoes?
Neither has she.
*
What’s the sweat between Dolly Parton’s tits?
Mountain Dew.
*
What’s Dolly Parton’s favorite candy bar?
Mounds.
*
Who is Billie Jean King’s latest corporate sponsor?
Snap-On Tools of America.
*
What kind of car does Renée Richards drive?
A convertible.
*
What’s fuzzy, smokes, and comes in cubes?
Fidel Castro.
*
What’ll it take to reunite the Beatles?
Three more bullets.
*
Did you hear about the Ayatollah Khomeini doll?
Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
*
Famous Quotes: “You can never be too rich or too thin.”
—Karen Carpenter
*
Clark Gable and the Pope died on the same day. Due to a celestial bureaucratic snafu, the Pope was sent to hell. And Clark Gable went to heaven.
The Pope, obviously in the wrong place, wasn’t there five minutes before he had convinced those in charge of the mistake. In the blink of an eye, the Pope was whisked to the pearly gates. As he walked through the portals, he encountered Gable coming out.
“I’m truly sorry about this, my son,” said the sympathetic pontiff, “but I’ve waited my whole life to kneel at the feet of the Blessed Virgin Mary.”
Gable flashed his world-famous grin.
“Too late, padre,” he said.
*
What’s brown, soft, and sits on a piano bench?
Dead BabyBeethoven’s First Movement.
W hat’s small, screams, and can’t turn corners?
A baby with a spear through it.
*
What’s red and has a million holes in it?
A baby on a bed of nails.
*
What’s grosser than 1,000 dead babies stacked one on top of the other?
One live baby on the bottom trying to eat his way out.
*
What’s red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
*
What’s red and white and hangs from a tree?
A baby run over by a snowblower.
*
If you fit ten babies in a test tube using La Machine, and you get them out with a straw, how do you put them back together?
Krazy Glue!
*
What’s red and crawls up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
*
What’s more gross than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
Helen KellerRipping it off!
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?
They put extra doorknobs on all the doors.
*
How did they punish her when she wouldn’t do her homework?
They stomped on her Braille books with golf shoes.
*
How did they punish her when she really misbehaved?
They left the plunger in the toilet.
*
What did Helen Keller say when she fell off the cliff?
Nothing. She had her mittens on.
*
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller disease?
The clap.
*
Or did you hear about the three panelists on To Tell the Truth?
#1: “My name is Helen Keller.”
#2: “My name is Helen Keller.”
#3: “Mnye nnme ithk Hullne Kwuell.”
A polish girl was stopped for speeding and hauled down to the police station. The desk sergeant stood up, unzipped his fly, and the girl cried out, “Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!”