Truly Tasteless Jokes Three (10 page)

“You did very well, but I have just a few criticisms:

—There are ten commandments, not twelve.

—There are twelve apostles, not ten.

—David slew Goliath; he did not ‘kick the shit out of Goliath.’

—Next week there is a taffy pull at St. Peter's, not a Peter pull at St. Taffy's.

—The holy cross is not to be referred to as ‘the Big T.’

—Please do not refer to Our Savior Jesus Christ and the apostles as ‘J.C. and the boys.’

—And restrain yourself from calling the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost ‘Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.’

—And lastly, kindly do not call the Blessed Virgin Mary ‘Mary with the cherry.’”

Mr. Johnson went out on his annual hunting expedition and actually succeeded in bagging a pheasant. He proudly brought it home and did his best to clean it, and that night the family sat down to a pheasant dinner. After a few mouthfuls his wife jumped up and ran for the bathroom. She came back a few minutes later and said, “Honey, there were little black things in my shit. What do you think it could be?”

“Uh oh,” said Mr. Johnson, “I guess I didn't clean the pheasant out too well. Just keep an eye out for the birdshot while you're eating.”

About five minutes later his daughter dashed for the bathroom. She came out crying, “Daddy, Daddy, there's black things floating in my pee!”

“Pellets again—I'm really sorry. Don't worry, they won't hurt you,” he reassured her.

Soon enough his son strolled off, coming back to the table ten minutes later. “What's wrong with you, Billy?” asked Mr. Johnson.

“I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”

*

You know what elephants use for tampons, right?

Sheep.

But do you know why elephants have trunks?

Because sheep don't have strings.

*

Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Because their peckers are on their faces.

*

What kind of bees give the most milk?

Boo bees.

*

“Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?”

“Uhh ... one's sick and the other one's pushing him to the hospital.”

*

One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue eyes, and a dainty white lace dress was playing under a tree with her adorable little dog.

What a lovely picture, thought Father O'Malley to himself. Walking over, he asked, “Child, what is your name?”

“Blossom,” she replied.

“What a fitting name,” exclaimed Father O'Malley. “And how did your parents come to choose such a pretty name?”

“Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She thought it was a message from God and decided that if I were a girl, my name would be Blossom,” explained the little girl sweetly.

How charming, thought the priest. He started to walk away, then turned back. “And the name of your little dog?” he inquired.

“Porky,” was the child's reply.

Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.

“Because he likes to fuck pigs.”

*

What's the best way to catch a fish?

Have someone throw it to you.

*

Did you hear about the Purdue student who was majoring in animal husbandry?

They caught him at it.

*

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks, “Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?”

“No.”

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

*

An Alabama deputy sheriff went fishing on his day off. As he sat on the riverbank, a kid came walking by. Spying a frog, the kid grabbed it, took out his pocket knife, and said, “Frog, I's gon’ cut yo’ legs off!” Then he said, “Frog, after I gets done cuttin’ yo legs off, I's gon’ stick this here Popsicle stick up yo’ rear end! And then, Frog ...”

This was too much for the deputy. He stood up, grabbed the kid, and said, “Looka heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I'm gonna do to you!”

The kid said, “Frog, dis here's yo’ lucky day, ‘cause I's gon’ kiss yo’ ass.”

*

How do you make a bull sweat?

Give him a tight jersey.

*

Female centipede (crossing her legs): “For the 100th time, no!”

*

What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill?

“The elephants are coming! The elephants are coming!”

What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill with glasses on?

Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

*

How do you eat a frog?

Put one leg over each ear.

*

Have you heard of the new Oriental cookbook?

It's called 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog.

*

What did the goldfish say to the Polack?

“We don't swim in your john, so please don't pee in our pool.”

*

A street corner violinist heard a grunt and turned to see two dogs screwing. The one on top said to him, “Well, don't just stand there—play Bolero.”

*

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

*

What's the big drag about fucking a cow?

You have to climb down from the stump and walk around front every time you want to kiss her.

*

What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuisinart?

Rhesus Pieces.

*

A young woman had recently moved into a condominium in a very elite part of town, when she decided that what she needed to go with her posh new surroundings was a new pet. Not just any ordinary pet, but an exotic one that would fit in with her new abode. The woman went into a nearby pet store and asked the owner what he had in the way of exotic pets.

“Well,” said the pet store owner, “I'm afraid all that I have left to offer you is a bullfrog that sells for five hundred dollars.”

“Five hundred dollars!” exclaimed the woman. “For a bullfrog? What could possibly make a bullfrog worth five hundred dollars?” she asked.

“Well,” said the store owner sheepishly, “this bullfrog is trained in the art of cunnilingus.”

“Now that sounds intriguing,” said the woman. After a moment or two of thought, she handed over the five hundred dollars and ran home, anxious to see her new pet perform.

As soon as she got home, she quickly undressed, lay on the bed, legs spread, and placed the frog between her thighs. The frog sat motionless, refusing to budge.

“Brrrrp,” croaked the bullfrog, but it remained still. The woman nudged the frog a few times, but the frog remained motionless, letting out an occasional “Brrrrp,” but nothing more.

Furious, the woman threw on her bathrobe, frog in hand, and stormed out of her condo and down the street to the pet store.

“I want my money back!” she yelled, slamming the poor bullfrog down on the counter top.

“I beg your pardon?” asked the store owner.

“You told me this damn bullfrog was trained in the art of cunnilingus. Well, I took him home and he does nothing but croak.”

“Are you quite sure?” asked the owner.

Incensed at this point, the woman threw off her bathrobe, jumped up on the counter, put the frog between her legs as before, and waited.

“Brrrrp,” croaked the frog, motionless.

“See!” cried the woman. “I told you.”

At which point the store owner stuck his head between the woman's legs and whispered in the frog's ear, “All right, you little son of a bitch, I'm going to show you just one more time.”

*

Two men axe standing around talking while nearby a large hound lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, “Gee, I wish I could do that.” The other man replies, “I think you should get to know him first.”

*

If an elephant's front legs were going 60 mph, what would its back legs be doing?

Hauling ass, baby, hauling ass.

*

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

*

What's the definition of “thorny”?

A thailor at thea.

*

Why did the undertaker serve cola at the funeral?

Coke adds life.

*

What's the difference between like and love?

A spit and a swallow.

*

What gets wetter as it dries?

Toilet paper.

*

An eight-year-old boy dressed up as a pirate went trick-or-treating on Halloween. He knocked on a door, and an old lady came out and said, “Oh, a pirate! How cute! And where are your buccaneers?”

“They're right under my buck'n hat, lady.”

*

Why is dealing with the IRS like wearing a rubber?

You get the feeling of safety and security while being screwed with no sensitivity at all.

*

A new drink's been invented—

It's one part vodka and one part prune juice, and it's called a pile driver.

*

What's the difference between a fashion model and a prostitute?

Prostitutes don't drive Ferraris.

*

“Patty,” scolded Mrs. Wilson, “you knew very well the train would run over little Terence when you put him on the tracks.”

“I gave him a timetable, didn't I?”

*

What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog do with one leg raised?

Shake hands.

*

What's black and yellow and full of little Crispy Critters?

A burnt school bus.

*

A plane is flying in a storm and lightning hits the main engine. It becomes evident that the plane's going down, and a few minutes later it crashes in the ocean. The captain's voice comes over the intercom: “All passengers who can swim, please get to the left side of the aisle and prepare to abandon the aircraft. All passengers who can't swim, please keep to the right side of the plane. Now, passengers on the left, jump out and swim for that little island! Passengers on the right, thank you for flying with us.”

*

Did you hear about the new designer condoms?

They're called “Sergio Prevente.”

*

Why is San Francisco like granola?

Because once you get past the fruits and the nuts, all you have left is the flakes.