True Control 4.2 (12 page)

Chapter 34 HER

I didn’t argue when Jake told me why he came over this morning. I don’t know if it’s because he didn’t really give me any room to argue or because of how I reacted to him earlier.

But I have plenty of time to figure it out this weekend now. I cross and uncross my fingers on my lap again.

Over breakfast he informed me that he was taking me to the lake house. That Ron and Alex were expecting us there early, so I needed to pack quickly. Or he’d do it for me.

Just like that. Bossy. Pushy. Commanding. So like Max.

But different too. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I responded to him. The same way I did to Max. I’m sorry, Max, but it’s your fault. You made me aware of this need in me…to be dominated and controlled and commanded and…I stop babbling to myself, to Max.

And that’s what Jake did. I quickly glance at him. He looks straight ahead, not taking his eyes off the road, but I see his tiny grin. Smug. He commanded and I obeyed.

And I liked it. It felt comfortable, familiar. I take a shaky breath in and turn to look out the window, so he can’t see the tears in my eyes suddenly.

Am I so desperate to feel Max again that I’ll jump to obey anyone who shows the slightest dominance? Or is it because Jake reminds me so much of Max; and that he only acted that way because he’s trying to act like Max for me? Thinking he’s helping me?

It’s not. It’s only confusing me. I need to be thinking about my baby. And that’s it. I cover my stomach again. I’m starting to really show. I’ve had to switch to some of the clothes I bought. I smile. All skirts and dresses still. Just what Max would’ve wanted to see.

But I’m going to be huge soon…I really don’t need to be thinking about
any
guy. Especially Jake this way. I had my love. Now I’ll have our baby.

I can forget my submissive side again. I can ignore it.

Now if I can just ignore the growing apprehension of going to the lake house. The last time I was here was with Max, for thanksgiving. I’ve been avoiding painful memories. And this weekend was already going to be bad.

Jake puts his hand over mine and I twist my head around to see him giving me his looking through me look again. He smiles though and squeezes my fingers just once. “It’s going to be ok, Lucy. I promise.”

I smile a little back. Traeger men always keep their promises…I don’t know how, but I know Jake will keep this one. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I’ll be okay, Max. Your brother said so.

Chapter 35 HIM

Mom and Dad aren’t around when we arrive. A note on the counter says they went with the neighbors on the boat and would be back for lunch. I watch Lucy. She’s moving around slowly, like she’s never been here and she’s trying to see everything.

I know her though. She’s really trying not to see the past. “Let’s unpack.” She jumps at my voice. I grab our bags and head upstairs. She follows very slowly behind. I wait at the top of the stairs for her to catch up.

She looks like I’m walking her to the gallows. I walk past the room she usually shared with Max, the bigger room with the terrace. She pauses at the doorway and looks after me with a frown.

“You’re small…you don’t get the bigger room!” I laugh at her confused look. But she follows me down the hall into the room I usually used. She stands just inside the door and watches as I put her bag on the bed. “You’ll stay here, Lucy.” I walk back to her and tap her nose with my finger, “New room, new memories, girl.” She nods and waits till I’ve walked away a little before going more into the room. I can see her moving around slowly and I see her smile a little too.

…..

“Oh my God, remember that awful sweater you bought him? He hated that scratchy thing and tried to throw it away.” I’m laughing too hard at the memory of Max with the oversized sweater that felt like it had needles in it. Dad laughs and nods. Mom puts her hands over her mouth, laughing hard. I turn to Lucy, she’s sitting on the sofa with her legs tucked under a blanket. I’m sitting on the floor below her. “He threw it away, but Dad found it the next day and made him wear it…with the night before’s spaghetti stains on it. It was…I dunno…80 degrees out! And he had to wear that damn thing all morning doing chores…” She’s laughing so hard, she suddenly jumps up, again, and runs to the bathroom.

She comes back, “Sorry…I think my bladder has either shrunk to nothing or
it’s
what’s actually growing inside me.” She pats her belly. We all smile at her. She really does glow. More than from the firelight. She’s been laughing all day. More than I’ve heard her in a long time.

We’ve been looking at photo albums and telling stories of Max all day for her. She and Mom have both hugged and cried a lot too. But for most of the day, she’s been laughing.

And I’ve been resisting the urge to kiss her. Talking about my dead brother to his pregnant wife, and I’ve had to stop myself from kissing her! What kind of sick bastard am I?!

I look away, but not before I catch a look from Dad again. Unreadable.

Lucy stretches and yawns. “Time for bed.” I don’t even realize that I’ve said it out loud until she looks at me funny. But she only nods and kisses Mom goodnight, hugging Dad. She just frowns slightly at me and heads up the stairs.

Mom quickly gets up, too, and kisses my head goodnight. It’s like she was on orders to go upstairs as soon as Lucy did. That Dad wanted to talk to me alone the first chance he got.

“So…” I was right. I get up and sit on the sofa, waiting for whatever he’s going to say. “We were surprised when you said Lucy was coming with you…”

“So was she.”

He nods, “She looks good. Happier. Healthier.” I know they’ve seen her weekly. She’s shown me all the baby stuff Mom brings each time. The den is looking like a nursery already and nothing’s been moved or changed. So I know he’s seen that she’s healthier already. I only nod, still waiting.

Dad clears his throat and sits forward a little, leaning on his knees and clasping his hands in front of himself. His earnest pose. This usually accompanied a long lecture, a serious infraction had occurred and he wanted to make the punishment as long and drawn out as possible. “Jake.” He looks up at me, a stare I’ve never been able to completely match. “Your Mom and I like that you’re taking good care of Lucy. That you’re helping her so much…to get back to…well, to being happier. It’s important for her and for the baby.” I nod again. I know not to interrupt him when he’s in lecture mode. And I’m still waiting for the punchline.

“I can see that you really care for her. That you want what’s best for her.” This
is
going to be long and painful. I nod again to get him to the point faster hopefully. “Well…” He sighs, sitting back finally, hands flat on his knees, “Are you in love with her?”

I was not expecting him to be this blunt. I thought he’d try to warn me against complicating things, to be a good brother, to her and Max. Not ask me about my feelings!

I stammer, “Of course I love her…”

“No. You know what I’m asking you, boy. Answer me.”

I only nod. It’s all I can do. I haven’t even admitted this feeling to myself. Saying it out loud to him…no, can’t do it. I can’t admit to betraying Max. Not to Dad. Not to myself.

He only nods too and rubs his hands over his face, sighing loudly. Then he fixes me with his stare again. “Family is important, Jake. It’s everything to me really. I loved Alex the moment I saw her in that coffee shop. I saw her sweetness buried under the hard life she had. I saw what she
could
become. Having you boys in my life…well, that’s just been…more than I ever thought I’d get in this world.”

He’s never spoken to me like this. This warm. He’s been encouraging, supporting, giving before. But not warm. Not really. It makes me a little uncomfortable. I don’t know how to respond to him. So I only nod.

“Everyone deserves a chance at that kind of love. The kind you
can’t
control;
it
controls you.” I nod. “If that’s what you have for Lucy…then you shouldn’t let…you shouldn’t let anything stand in the way of seeing if she could feel the same about you.” I can only nod, feeling the tears in my eyes that I see in his too. “But if you’re only acting on some sense of obligation to Max…to take care of his…” He shakes his head, unable to finish. He doesn’t need to. I know what he’s saying.

It’s the same question I had. Briefly. But I know something he doesn’t. I’ve been fighting this need for Lucy since the moment I met her. I never would’ve acted on it, not while she was with Max. But I’ve known I’ve loved her, even if I couldn’t admit it to myself.

“I love her.” I say it quietly, before laughing a little and sitting back too, running my hands through my hair. “I don’t know what to do about it…but I do…”

He nods, but stays quiet. He finally gets up and pats me on the shoulder, only adding, “Just be sure of what you want to do before you do anything…for her sake.”

I stay downstairs for a long time. Walking out to the terrace and listening to the waves.

I cry quietly to myself. For Max. For Lucy. For myself. This is all fucked up.

When I admitted to her how I felt. That day she was stuck in my elevator. I never imagined that I’d get a chance to act on it. I thought I was purging myself of the feelings by getting them out. Here, you take this crap, Lucy. It’s yours, my heart. Now throw it away, so I can get on with my miserable life.

I sniff and suck in the cool, wet air. I already pledged to Max that I would take care of her. No matter what. That I’d take care of his child. No matter what.

But what has me stopping my tears cold isn’t thoughts of Max and what he’d think of me wanting to be with Lucy.

It’s thoughts of what could happen if I
wasn’t
with her. I know I won’t want anyone else. I might be able to try to make something work, but I’d always know I missed my chance at happiness. Just like I said.

And if Lucy were ever to be with another man…I look down at my hands. Two fists shaking against my knees. This isn’t anger. This is rage. A rage I’ve never felt before. I only tasted it a little that night that asshole had his hand on her. But she wasn’t mine then.

I don’t know if it was the implied blessing from Mom and Dad. The admitting out loud to loving her. Or the realization that I would take care of Lucy how Max would’ve taken care of her. That he’d want me to protect her and keep her. But my indecision is gone.

She was never meant to be anyone else’s except Max’s…but fate stepped in. And I
will
make her mine.

Chapter 35 HER

“Thanks again for this weekend, Jake. It was exactly what I needed…” I hug him again, still not going into my building though.

“I’m glad. I know it meant a lot to Mom and Dad…they miss seeing you more.” Jake looks down at the big bag of baby stuff next to my other bag. He laughs. “Sure you don’t need some help getting all this upstairs?”

“No. Thanks.” I start to pick up both bags, but leave them on the sidewalk and stand to face him again. I tried to tell him this in the car on the drive back, but I didn’t have the courage. I didn’t want anything to upset the nice weekend.

“I…I don’t know how you always know just what I need…to get me out of my head. To get me to a better place again, but I…I really want to say thank you.” I swallow and look down. “The Fourth was supposed to be the anniversary…of Max telling me he loved me.” I look back up at him and smile. Not a tearless smile, but still a happy one. “I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through it without you.”

I throw my arms around him again and kiss his scruffy cheek. He presses against me a little more. But lets me go quickly.

Inside my apartment, alone again, I still feel the glow of a weekend spent with family. I talked with Mom and Dad a lot over the weekend too. I even talked with Cathy. She knew I was having a hard time lately. She and PJ invited me out to Downers Grove for the parade and fireworks too. But she sounded extra happy for me that I was spending the whole weekend away.

I move around the apartment, putting yet another bag of stuff into the den. It’s starting to look cluttered and like a nursery exploded on top of an office. I’ll have to think about getting rid of some furniture soon. This thought only sends a small shiver of fear and sadness through me. I’ve been reluctant to make any changes to the apartment so far. I can face this. I know Jake will help me too, if I ask.

Heading into the bedroom, I go back to thinking more about this weekend.

It wasn’t just hearing stories about Max, him as a teenager, as a young man. It was being around all of them that made me feel better. I love my own family, but Max’s family became such a big part of my life so quickly, that I didn’t even realize how much I’d missed seeing them until this weekend.

Ron is so much like Max. Or well, Max was so much like him. Strong, silent type. He didn’t say much to me all weekend, but he smiled a lot. And what he did say was sweet. Stern. But sweet. He acted like I would’ve expected Max to act. Silently making sure that I had everything I need, while admonishing me if he thought I wasn’t doing something to take care of myself.

Alex though was a little different this visit. She was softer somehow. She kept her arms around me a lot more. We cried a lot together. And laughed. I felt closer to her than I ever have before. Like we understood each other more.

I know she had a hard life before Ron. I asked her about my baby’s great-grandparents. She looked sad, but said she’s never spoken to them, not since they kicked her out when they found out she was pregnant with Max as a teenager. It made me feel protective of her, like Max always said he felt.

Last night, though,
that
was a conversation I wasn’t prepared for with her. She took me for a walk along the retaining wall, just us. And when she talked then, I could see a lot of Max in her. Glimpses of a strength I hadn’t really seen before.

She told me about a conversation she had with Max that I didn’t know about. It was about a month before he passed. He said he knew I was struggling with him. That he wanted her advice on what he could do to help me. She said, “To help you be your best, your strongest. For him and for yourself and for any child he hoped you’d give him.” Her eyes were shining with tears in the sunset, but her voice didn’t shake, she didn’t pause.

She went on to tell me that the advice she gave him was simple and even silly probably. Nothing concrete. But she did tell him one thing. And she wanted to tell me the same thing. She stopped our walk and faced me then. I was actually a little scared of what she was going to say. I don’t know why, but I felt like the whole weekend had led up to that conversation.

She put her hands on my shoulders gently and said, “I told Max that when love comes into our lives, it’s a gift. What we do with that gift is up to us. That for a woman, at least for a certain kind of woman, it takes a strong man to bring out the best in us. To help us to realize our potential for loving, for giving all of our unique gift of love in return.”

I remember nodding at this point. It’s how I felt with Max. That he was special. That I’d never know another man who was able to balance me, to be the dominant force I crave still. So I could give my greatest gift, my submission and heart.

I told her that I understood what she meant. That Max did take her advice. I remember a special night of love and tenderness with him. I pat my stomach and said it may have even been the night we conceived. She liked that thought.

I don’t remember the rest of what she said, except at the end. She stopped us again before heading up the path to the house. She didn’t look at me though this time. She looked at the porch, with Jake and Ron, waiting for us.

I remember this part word for word. “You have a lot of life ahead of you. Our family is strong. You can lean on our strength as much as you need. Or want. Just always keep your heart open, to accept the gifts that are given to you. Always.”

I went to bed last night with her words in my head. They mirrored my own thoughts. That my heart will never heal from losing Max, but I’ve come to terms with reality.

Ya know what they say about reality and I can tell ya, that bitch bites hard! I laugh, patting my belly. Sorry, Max, I’ll try to keep from cursing around our child.

But my reality is a hard one to face. I’m alone. Large with child. I giggle thinking about Laura’s voice when she says this. I don’t want to be alone forever. But I don’t know that I can open myself up to anyone. Ever again.

It felt good to know though, that if I ever did, I would still have Max’s family too. That’s what she was trying to tell me. That no matter what my future holds, they’ll all love me and be there for me and our child. I’ll always have Max and his family. Always.