Troubles and Treats (24 page)

With the biggest smile I’ve had in a long time, I stand up and pull Drew with me.

“Let’s go home.  I have a surprise for you.”

I mean every word I say when I tell my girl I will have plain old vanilla sex for
the rest of my life as long as I can do it with her.  After the last few months, I
realize I don’t care about anything but being with her.  She is my best friend and
my life, and I will do whatever she wants me to do as long as she’s happy.  I had
been stupid when I got mad about never having crazy, dirty sex ever again.  While
it’s true that wild and sometimes bordering on illegal sex is what brought us together,
it’s not what has kept us together.

The taxi just drops us off from the strip club and Jenny is leading me by the hand
into the house and up the stairs.  She had mentioned a surprise at the club and I’ve
been hard ever since, knowing that the surprise will more than likely include her
getting naked.  And if we’re just going to get on the bed and have missionary sex
with the lights off, I’m okay with that.

She leads me into our bedroom and stops in front of the bed, turning around to face
me.

“Okay, I lied.  I actually have two surprises for you,” she tells me with a smile. 
“Close your eyes.”

I do as she asks and feel her place one of my hands on top of her belly, sliding it
down into the waistband of her pants.  In just a few seconds, my fingers slide over 
perfectly smooth, hairless skin.  My eyes fly open and I stare down into her face
that has a huge smile on it while she holds my hand in place.

“Did you get waxed?” I ask her in awe.

She nods her head, her mouth opening to reply but letting out a small gasp instead
when my fingers graze the top of her clit.

“This is the best present ever!” I tell her softly as my fingers dip even lower and
glide through her wetness.

Jenny lets go of the grip she has on my hand and clutches onto both of my shoulders
as I use two of my fingers to pull some of her wetness up and circle her clit.

“Oh Jesus….wait, stop!” Jenny exclaims suddenly, putting a hand back on top of my
wrist to stop me.

As much as I want to curl up in the fetal position, cry, and suck my thumb like a
baby right now, I won’t.  If she doesn’t want to do this, I will be a big boy and
not have a temper tantrum.  I will respect my wife’s wishes.

I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry.

“Okay, we can stop.  You want to just cuddle?” I ask her, trying not to let my voice
quiver.

She looks at me funny for a minute and then lets out a small laugh.

“Oh hell no!  There will be no cuddling tonight.  I just need to give you your second
present,” she tells me.

“OH HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL, THANK GOD!” I yell, leaning down and resting my forehead
against hers.

“Close your eyes again,” she tells me softly.

Once again, I do exactly as she says.  I can hear clothing rustling, and I start doing
a little Cabbage Patch dance action with my arms knowing that Jenny is taking her
clothes off.  I hear some other noise that almost sounds like creaking but whatever. 
My wife is getting naked, and I don’t give a rat’s ass about anything else. 

Unless that creaking means there’s a ghost in the house.  I’ve heard some strange
noises every once in a while late at night and always wondered if the house is haunted. 
I bet it is. I bet that freaky little fucker wants to watch us have sex.  Fine with
me, buddy, enjoy the show.  Just don’t touch my ass at all during the event or I will
call the Winchester brothers from Supernatural.  Dean and Sam
will
fuck you up!  I had a strange hand touch my ass one time in college during a threesome,
and that’s just something you don’t get over.  Random ass touching scares me more
than spiders.

“Okay, you can open them,” Jenny says.

I slowly open my eyes and really, she should have prepared me a little for the sight
I am currently seeing.  I don’t know whether to drop to my knees and pray or have
a heart attack.

“Oh, Willie Nelson.  Are you…are we…this is…I…biscuits.”

I can’t even form a coherent sentence right now.  My awesome wife is currently naked,
lounging in the baby swing, er, I mean sex swing.  Our sex swing is really a sex swing! 
Our sex swing is going to be used for sex and swinging and swinging sex!

Wait, no.  Not swinging sex.  We’re not swingers.  No one else can enter this bedroom
while we’re naked.  Okay, scratch that.  If a couple of naked chicks suddenly walk
in, I certainly wouldn’t kick them out.

“Come over here, hot stuff, and bang me in the sex swing,” Jenny says as she curls
her finger, beckoning me over.

I’m pretty sure I’ve never moved so fast in my life.  My shirt is flung across the
room, I shove my jeans and boxers down to my ankles, and start to run over.  Unfortunately,
it’s really fucking hard to run with pants around your ankles and I face plant into
the carpet.

“Oh my gosh!  Drew, are you okay?” Jenny asks me with concern.

“Fine!  Totally fine!  Don’t move!” I tell her as I quickly crawl on all fours over
to the corner of the room.

I grab onto the swing on either side of Jenny’s thighs and use it to pull me up so
I can stand between her legs.

“You’re a dirty, slutty man,” Jenny tells me in a sultry voice.

Oh my God!  Oh my God!

I giggle, yes giggle, and start bouncing excitedly on my toes.

“I think you should push me on the swing with your ginormous cock, slutty man,” she
tells me as she leans forward, grabs onto my hips, and pulls me closer to her on the
swing until my “ginormous cock” is pushing against her entrance.

Porno Jenny!  Porno Jenny is back!  Hallelujah, praise Paula Abdul, Porno Jenny is
back!

She wraps her legs around my hips and uses her thigh muscles to pull me closer, my
cock sliding deeper.  We both groan and I stop halfway in when I hear creaking.

I whip my head around and shoot a dirty look over my shoulder to the whole room in
general.

Stop moving around, ghost!  You’re breaking my concentration.  If you’re going to
watch, do it quietly.  AND DON’T TOUCH MY ASS!

I turn my head back around and concentrate on the task at hand.  Swinging my dick
into my hot wife.

Ha ha!  Did I totally just make up an awesome pun or what?!

“Do me hard, you dirty slut,” Jenny whispers.

Oh hell yeah!  It’s fucking ON!

I push the rest of the way inside of her heat, and I want to stop and savor the feeling
of being back inside my wife but the swing is swaying and causing me to rock my hips
against her.

“This swing is fucking awesome!” I tell her as I grab onto her thighs, pull my dick
almost all the way out of her, and then slam back home.

Jenny lets out a gasp and throws her arms above her head to grab onto the straps of
the swing.  I start moving faster and harder, the force of my thrusts causing the
swing to really begin swaying from front to back.  It’s a little awkward and I have
to concentrate on not falling.  When the swing moves forward, I have to quickly shuffle
my feet and follow it so my dick doesn’t fall out of Jenny.  Then, when it swings
back, I have to quickly shuffle my feet
forwards
, or else it’s going to clothesline my thighs, and I’m going to land on my ass on
the floor.

I really should have taken my pants all the way off.  This shit is hard!  Ooooh, another
pun right there, motherfuckers!

I’m basically waddling back and forth with the motion of the swing while at the same
time, thrusting my hips in and out of Jenny.  It’s like trying to pat your head and
rub your stomach at the same time.

“Oh yes!  Faster, faster!” Jenny screams.

Oh my God, the pressure!  If I go any faster this swing is going to take me out at
the knees!  I need to make this swing my bitch and show it who’s boss.

I plant my feet as wide apart as I can with my jeans still wrapped around my ankles,
let go of Jenny’s thighs, and wrap my hands around the straps that hang from the ceiling
to stop the swing from swaying so much.  It takes a minute to get it to stop, and
I have to arch my back as far as I can, raise one of my knees, and push it against
Jenny’s ass under the swing to finally get it to stop moving.

“Yes!  Keep doing that!  Rub my ass with your knee, you whore!” Jenny shouts.

I am nothing if not attentive to my wife’s needs right now, so I do as she asks. 
I hold onto the swing straps with both hands, lean back, keep my leg up, and rub my
knee back and forth against her ass under the swing and keep moving my hips, thrusting
in and out of her.

Jenny is moving her hips and pushing against me as I bang the hell out of her while
trying to keep the swing in place.  Around her moans of pleasure I hear another loud
creak and I roll my eyes.

Seriously, ghost.  Cut that shit out.  I know you’re there; you don’t need to advertise
it.  Keep it down while you ghostly masturbate over there!

“I’m sorry I ever said anything about your vagina being floppy.  It’s totally not
like fucking a sloppy joe at all!  You feel so good baby!” I tell her as I continue
to pound into her, sweat breaking out on my forehead with all the things I have to
remember to do to keep the swing in place.

“Call me a tramp!” Jenny shouts as she lets go of the grip she has on one of the swing
straps, slides her hand down the front of her body, and starts moving her fingers
against her clit.

Fuck, best day ever!  Even with the pervy ghost in the corner and my arm and leg muscles
threatening to give out.

“WHO’S MY TRAMP?!  WHO’S MY DIRTY HOOKER TRAMP?!” I shout as I pick up the pace and
slam into her harder while her fingers move furiously over her clit.

“ME!  ME!  I’M YOUR DIRTY HOOKER TRAMP!  PAY ME, BIG DADDY, PAY ME!” she shouts.

“I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU A SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT TIP, YOU DIRTY WHORE!”

“YES!  YES!  GIVE ME THE TIP!  GIVE ME THE TIP!” Jenny screams.

I know she’s only a second away from coming which is a damn good thing because I can’t
hold off any longer.  My balls are about to explode like a fucking geyser.

“I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU A TIP AND LEAVE YOU SOME MINTS!  YOU WANT SOME FUCKING MINTS,
YOU LITTLE SLUT?!” I yell in excitement as she tightens her thighs around my waist,
and I feel her orgasm rush through her and squeeze my cock like a vise.

“OH MY GOD!  GIVE ME THE MINTS!  OH FUCK, I’M COMING!  MINTS, MINTS, MINTS! YES, YES!”

She’s thrashing her head and bucking her hips against me, and there’s nothing I can
do to stop the swing from swaying, so I just hold on tight to the straps and thrust
into her with all I’ve got, feeling my own orgasm tingle through my balls. I hear
another creak, this one louder than all the others.

“YOU LIKE THAT, GHOST?  HUH?!  YOU LIKE BEING A PERVY CREEPER, JERKIN’ YOUR GHOSTLY
GHERKIN?” I shout into the corner of the room.

Just as my orgasm barrels up through me and I start coming, I feel a hand on my ass
and scream as loud as I can in fear while still plunging in and out of Jenny.

“EEEEEEEK!  I’M COMING!  HOLY SWEET AND SOUR CHICKEN, I’M COMING AND THERE’S A GHOST
TOUCHING MY ASS!”

Mid orgasm, I reach back to swat the ghost’s hand off my ass and hear another creak,
followed by a loud ripping sound and this orgasm feels so fucking good right now that
I’m not really concerned with the fact that the pervert poltergeist is making so much
noise.

While smacking my hand on my ass to keep the ghost away from it, I thrust as hard
as I can one last time and the orgasm finishes so good it almost feels like I’m falling.

“OW!  SON OF A BITCH!” Jenny screams.

I open my eyes and quickly realize that feeling of falling really was a feeling of
falling.  I’m sprawled on top of Jenny on the floor with my penis still buried in
her and bits and pieces of our ceiling littered in chunks all around us.  I reach
up and wipe a bunch of white dust off of Jenny’s face and hair, and she ruffles her
hand through my hair, dust and debris falling down onto her chest.

I crane my neck and look up at the giant hole in our ceiling.

“Wow, guess I should have secured that a little better, huh?”

Jenny just laughs and wraps her arms around my shoulders, pulling me down to her lips.

“Let’s do it again. 
Go get the Skittles in the kitchen, a wooden spoon, and two containers of purple Play-Doh.”

“Um, Whitney Houston, we have a problem.”

Jenny sits up on her elbows and stares down  at me lying on my stomach between her
legs with my face resting on her hipbone.

“Problem?  What problem?  I was almost there, keep going,” she complains, letting
her head fall back to the pillows.

“Yeah, and that would be the problem.  I can’t keep going, they’re stuck.”

Her head flies back up off of the pillow, and she slides her body up the bed until
she’s resting her back against the headboard, my head slipping off of her hip as she
goes.

“Stuck?!  What the hell do you mean stuck?!” she screeches.

I push myself up onto my knees and point between her legs.

“Stuck, as in, probably not coming out anytime soon because it was too slippery and
they just sort of, shot off, deep into the heart of Texas,” I explain with a shrug.

“I’m confused.  Are you comparing my vagina to Texas?  Is that a good thing or a bad
thing?” she asks, momentarily forgetting the problem at hand.

“Well, you don’t mess with Texas and everything is bigger in Texas, just like you
don’t mess with your vagina and…”

She raises her eyebrow and glares at me.

“Your vagina is NOT big.  Or large or in charge.  Okay, it’s totally in charge but
it’s not large.  We will not be renaming your vagina Large Marge so don’t even give
me that look.  Your vagina is tiny and perfect and warm and cuddly, just like it should
be,” I explain.

We had stared at each other for a few minutes and I wasn't not gonna lie, I sort of
forgot about the problem for a minute while I stared at her.  I had started crawling
up the bed toward her when she reminded me.

“Wait, stop!  What are we going to do about the Skittles stuck in Texas?”

Two months after the night of the sex swing crash and the “Taste the Rainbow” incident,
Jenny and I are doing better than ever.  It had taken a trip to the emergency room
that night and a vacuum cleaner nozzle to remove the Skittles from the great state
of vagina.

Okay, it hadn't really been a vacuum cleaner nozzle but it may as well have.  I could
have saved us a hundred dollar deductible and our dignity by just using the Hoover
at home.  Surprisingly, the nurse told us that wasn’t even the strangest thing she
’d
seen stuck
up in someone in the emergency room.  While we waited, she told us all about the
sorts of things people had jammed up in them and how they had to waddle through the
emergency room doors to get it removed.

McDonald’s Happy Meal Toys, grapefruit, cell phones, wine bottles, a dozen ping pong
balls, and a whisk.

But the whisk was totally not my fault, and I was doing something else that had absolutely
nothing to do with sex and it just slipped.  I had been grateful
that
the nurse who helped us was new and wasn’t aware of mine and Jenny’s frequent flyer
miles at that particular emergency room.

Through it all, Jenny and I have learned some very important lessons.  Never hire
your dad as a private investigator, and Carter cheats when he’s in a diaper changing
race.

We've also learned to never keep things to ourselves if something is bothering us,
and I've learned to just assume my wife always needs help around the house and she
shouldn’t have to ask for it.  Our sex life is better and more adventurous than ever,
especially trying to navigate around two children’s schedules, but we’re making it
work and being very creative.  Jenny finally admitted to me that she never really
wanted vanilla sex, she just though that now that we were older and parents, it’s
what we should do.  I honestly would have agreed to boring sex for the rest of my
life, but thank the holy jeans I don’t have to worry about that anymore.

My hot, slutty wife is back, and I couldn’t be happier.

“Are you nervous?” I ask Jenny as we stand at the front of the room and wait for everyone
else to get here.

“You know, I’m not.  Is that weird?” she asks with a smile as she pulls things out
of her bag and sets them up on the table.

“Nah, I’m not nervous either.  I mean, we’re kind of experts about this shit so why
should we be nervous?”

She nods in agreement and sets the bag on top of the table, walking over to me as
I organize my notes.  She pulls the pad of paper out of my hands and places it on
the table, taking my hands and resting them right on top of her tits.

“This is going to be so much fun,” she tells me with a big smile as she stands on
her tip toes and runs her tongue along my top lip, giving me the shivers, just like
always.

I remove a hand from one of her boobs and place it under her ass, lifting her up so
she can wrap her legs around my waist.  I turn us and push her back against the wall,
sliding my hand down the front of her body and then pushing it back up under her t-shirt,
grazing soft, warm skin as I go.

Jenny pulls her lips away from mine and tilts her head to the side so I can kiss my
way down her neck to her collarbone.  I suck and nibble on the skin while my hand
under her shirt pulls the cup of her bra down underneath her breast so I can palm
the soft mound and run my thumb over her nipple.

“This is so naughty and dirty. I love it,” Jenny says as I push my hips forward and
grind my jean-clad erection between her legs.

She locks her ankles together right above my ass and uses the muscles of her thighs
to pull me harder against her.

I pull my lips away from her neck and my hand stops its movement on her breast.

“I totally forgot. I have something for you,” I tell her as I let go of her ass and
bend backwards for my bag on the table without breaking our connection or moving my
hand from her bare tit.

I reach the bag and dig inside for the white box, pulling it out and leaning my body
back against hers. I hold the box between our bodies and when she sees it, her eyes
light up.

“Ohhhhh, Drew!” she says excitedly as she takes the box from me.  I put my hand back
on her ass and go back to massaging her boob under her shirt with my other hand while
she opens the lid.

She looks inside and there’s confusion on her face for a moment and I explain.

“Well, I figured you wouldn’t be in the mood for Skittles for a while after the 'Rainbow
of Fruit Flavor'” evening, so I decided to switch things up.”

Jenny reaches her hand inside the box and pulls out a handful of grape and cherry
Dum-Dum suckers.

“I stuck with the purple and red theme, but this time they have handles on them for
easier removal,” I tell her with a wink and a wag of my eyebrows.

“I love you so much, Drew Parritt!” Jenny tells me as she tosses the box to the ground
and wraps her arms around my shoulders, her hand still clutching the suckers.

“I love you too, Jenny Parritt, my sweet, fuck-hot wife!”

I hear the rustle of a wrapper behind my head, and Jenny moves one arm in front of
me, offering me a lick of a cherry sucker.  I wrap my lips around the candy and suck
while Jenny twirls the stick, making the candy swirl around my mouth.

I reach up and wrap my hand around hers, pulling the sucker out of my mouth with a
pop
and together, we move the candy to her lips.  She runs her tongue all around the
outside of the candy just like she does with my dick, and I groan as I watch her tongue
and lips enjoy the sucker.

Ten minutes later, we have a slight problem and it involves my pubic hair and a grape
sucker.

“Let me just rip it off, like a Band-Aid,” Jenny pleads, looking frantically toward
the door of the room.  “They’re going to be here any minute, and I don’t think it
would be good if you spent the entire hour with your hand down your pants.”

I glance at the clock and then back at her.  “Well, they would never forget their
first class, that’s for sure.”

After our trip to the emergency room two months ago, we had been approached by one
of the doctors and he asked if we would consider doing a sex seminar for married couples
once a month at the local community college.  We could talk about whatever we wanted,
use whatever visual aids we needed. We just needed to teach couples how to have more
active sex lives and put a spark back in their marriage.

“I am not ripping this thing off, do you have any idea how much that would fucking
hurt?” I ask her.

She glares at me and puts her hands on her hips.

“Oh, yeah, sorry.  Forgot about the whole Brazilian thing.  Have I mentioned how much
I love it, by the way?” I tell her, trying to suck up as best I can.  “Maybe you should
just suck it off,” I plead with her.

“We’re in a classroom!  I’m not getting down on my knees and putting my face in your
crotch five minutes before twenty couples are going to show up,” she complains.

“You just put your hand down my pants with a wet sucker in a classroom five minutes
before twenty couples are going to show up!  What the hell is the difference?!”

Jenny stomps her foot and looks back at the clock in frustration.

“Oh my God, we have no time!  At least take your fucking hand out of your pants!”
she yells at me.

“I’m afraid!  If I let go, who knows what will happen down there.  At least right
now I’m keeping it contained.”

Jenny wrings her hands in front of her and whips her head around when we hear a voice.

“Excuse me, are we in the right place?  Is this the ‘How to Put the Spark Back in
Your Marriage’ course?” a man asks from the doorway, his hand holding onto a woman
standing right next to him.

Yes, I am well aware of the irony in this situation.  Not that long ago I had practically
stalked a doctor because of his shitty self-help CD with the same title.  I play nice
though and sent him and his wife an invitation to our first class.  Unfortunately,
due to the restraining order, they are unable to attend.

Jenny turns around and flattens her body against mine, blocking me from the couple's
view.

“YES!  Yes, welcome!  Go ahead and take your seats. We’re just discussing some last
minute lesson changes,” Jenny tells them before turning back around to face me.

“Pull that fucking thing off, right now!’ she whispers angrily.

“NO!  It’s going to take a layer of skin with it!  You have no idea how tangled it
is right now!” I whisper back.

I look over Jenny’s shoulder and see two more couples entering the classroom and taking
seats, talking amongst themselves.

While I’m busy looking, and before I realize what she’s doing, Jenny sticks her own
hand down my pants, wraps it around mine, and yanks as hard as she can.

“MOTHER OF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE DICK IN A BOX!” I scream at the top of my lungs.

Jenny and I stand there staring at one another wide-eyed, the grape pubic-hair covered
sucker held in both of our hands between us.  My lips are quivering and I can feel
tears forming in my eyes.

The pain!  Oh my God the pain!  It’s like no other I’ve felt before!

Jenny quickly turns back around to face the class, which is now full and all eyes
are staring at us questioningly.

I chuck the furry sucker into the garbage can under the table and swallow back my
tears, hobbling forward so I’m standing shoulder to shoulder with Jenny.

“Welcome to class, folks!  That was just a sample of what we’ll be talking about first
this evening.  Ways to scream out your pleasure without being boring!  Who wants to
go first?!” Jenny asks.

It takes a few minutes, but pretty soon the class is really getting into the question
and having fun shouting out their suggestions.  Jenny and I turn to face each other
while the class is laughing and yelling.

Some of my dick skin is stuck to a sucker under the table, the people in the emergency
room call us by our first names, we’ve been banned from all major appliance stores
and local farms, and yet, I wouldn’t change the way our life has turned out for all
the hookers and coke in the world.

“You have GOT to be kidding me?!”

We break our eye contact and turn to face the door of the classroom, our looks of
surprise and confusion mirroring those of the two couples who are hovering in the
doorway.

“Dude, you guys are the teachers?!” Carter asks with a smile as he pulls Claire into
the room.  “This is going to be fun!”

The rest of the class has quieted down and is watching our exchange with interest.

“This is going to be a horror show, that’s what this is going to be,” Liz says as
she and Jim follow Carter and Claire down the aisle and find their seats.  “Tell me
you aren’t going to be using yourselves as visual aids.”

Jenny reaches down to the table and lifts up a pair of tongs and a bottle of honey.

“Nope, we’ve got plenty of visual aids,” she tells her with a smile.

“Drew, get the laser pointer off of my boobs,” Claire says in irritation.

Jenny turns her head and sees me standing next to her playing with the pen laser light
I picked up at the gas station on the way here.