Troubles and Treats (9 page)

“When I start puking tomorrow morning, just let me be.  It will most likely start
around 9:37.  Just let me heave and don’t cook any fish or chocolate pudding while
it’s happening.  Also, if you find me spooning your coffee table or bar stool in the
middle of the night, don’t be afraid.  Just wake me up and bring me back to bed. 
It usually only happens once.”

As we had curled up in her bed, I picked my cell phone up from her nightstand and
smiled to myself when I saw that she had indeed changed my Facebook status.  Now it
had said: I’m totally getting
a BJ
tonight.

“I’m telling you, Liz, someone is following me,” I argue as I put on my blinker at
the stop light to turn into Target.

“I think you’re just paranoid,” Liz’s voice states, coming through the speakers of
the car.  “You haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months and you’re not having sex. 
I’ve heard that causes hallucinations.”

I roll my eyes as the light turns green and I pull into the parking lot.  I check
my rear-view mirror every few seconds as I drive up and down the aisle looking for
a parking space.

“I’ve been to three places this afternoon and each time there was a black SUV with
tinted windows parked a few cars down from me or driving a few cars behind me.  Every
time I look in the mirror I see that damn car,” I tell her as I finally find a spot. 
“I have a stalker. I just know it.  I know I’ve always said I wish I had a stalker
because I thought it would be cool and romantic, but I changed my mind.”

I hear Liz laugh through the speakers as I turn around in my seat and search the parking
lot for the SUV.

“If you’re seriously freaked out, why don’t you call Drew?”

“Because, he’ll just race over here and make a testicle of himself,” I mumble as I
continue searching the lot.

“He’s already a giant testicle.  Don’t you mean
spectacle?”

“No, he doesn’t wear glasses.  Didn’t I tell you what he did when those Jehovah’s
Witnesses came to the door and he thought they were threatening me?  I didn’t want
to be mean but I couldn’t get them off the damn porch.  Drew came around the corner
and heard me getting frustrated, pushed me out of the way, flung open the door, and
started speaking in thongs,” I explain.

“Tongues.  For fuck’s sake.  He started speaking in tongues.”

I huff in irritation.  “Whatever.  He started screaming all this nonsense with wild,
crazy eyes and banging his head like he was at a rock concert.  Those poor old people
hobbled off the porch and ran to their car.  If I call him right now, he’ll start
racing around the parking lot, busting old people’s hips and scaring children.”

“Alright, I’ll tell you what.  Claire and I are getting ready to close up.  We’ll
meet you at the Starbucks in town for a coffee in like thirty minutes and see if we
notice anyone looking suspicious.  Will that make you feel better?” she asks.

“Yes, much better.  I’ll see you in thirty.”

I disconnect the call, get out of the car, and run as fast as I can into Target just
in case my stalker wants to try and run me down.

~

“Jenny, this is ridiculous. I am not putting this shit on,” Liz complains as she throws
the Target bag back into my lap.

We had all managed to pull into the Starbucks parking lot at the exact same time. 
I had parked next to Liz’s car and motioned for her and Claire to get into mine so
they could change into their outfits before we did this thing.

“Shut up and just put them on.  You don’t want this lunatic to know we’re on to him,
do you?” I ask in irritation as I throw the bag back at Liz.

She turns around to look into the backseat just as Claire pulls off her t-shirt and
slides on the black, long-sleeved shirt I bought her at Target.

“Oh my God.  Are you seriously changing?” Liz asks her with a dumbfounded look on
her face.

Claire’s movements halt in the middle of unbuttoning her jeans so she can change into
the black leggings I had also purchased.  “What?  Black is slimming.  Even if there
isn’t a stalker, I’ll look good drinking my coffee.  Plus, Carter’s been begging to
do some role playing.  I can creep into the bedroom window later and pretend I’m a
cat burglar that suddenly wants to bang the man she’s robbing.”

“Didn’t Carter get second degree burns on his ass last time you two role played?”
I question.

“Yeah.  Pretending to be a cooking instructor and telling him to hop up on the stove
so I could ‘lick his beaters’ wasn’t a good idea.  We both forgot the stove was on. 
I went to the emergency room wearing just an apron for a shirt.  Okay, so maybe I
won’t sneak in the bedroom window.  Someone could get shot.”

Liz is still staring in stunned silence as Claire pulls a black skull cap down over
the top of her head.

“You’re sure you saw the SUV driving behind you after you left Target?” Liz asks for
the third time since getting in the car.

“Oh no!” I yell.

“No you didn’t see the SUV?” Liz asks in confusion.

“No!  I mean yes!  I said
oh no
because the SUV is right there, parked across the street,” I explain frantically
as I point out Liz’s window.

Liz and Claire’s heads whip around, and they both stare at the black SUV parked on
the corner with no one inside.

“Holy shit.  Maybe you
are
being followed,” Liz mutters.

“Duh!” I yell as I smack her arm.

“Jenny, last year you made me come over in the middle of the night while Drew was
at work because you said a colony of spider eggs hatched and your bedroom was so full
of spiders you couldn’t even see the floor anymore and you were afraid they would
eat Veronica.  When I got to your house, there was one spider hanging from its web
over your bed,” Liz states.  “Forgive me if I tend not to believe you.”

“You can’t blame me for that.  Veronica woke me up that night, and when I came back
in the room he was just hanging there.  Spiders DO NOT work alone.  And he was hovering
over me, watching me sleep.  Who knows what other plans he had in store for me.  I
bet his friends were just lurking in the corners waiting to pounce on me.”

For several minutes Liz and I argue back and forth about what I like to refer to as
“the night I almost got eaten alive by rabid spiders” when Claire suddenly grabs both
of our shoulders from the back seat.

“Guys.  I think I just saw some guy staring at the car,” she states in a whisper. 
“Over there behind that bush.”

“Why the fuck are you whispering?  He can’t hear you,” Liz scolds.

“Shut the hell up, crotch rot!”

“Oh you did NOT just call me crotch rot, you twat-faced cum dumpster!”

“OH MY GOD! WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!  There is a man hiding behind a bush watching us!”
I yell in frustration.

Liz and Claire give up on their insults to stare at the bush in question and sure
enough, a head peaks out for a quick second and then goes right back into hiding.

“Oh it’s ON now!” Liz says excitedly as she starts digging into her Target bag and
scrambling into her black outfit.

“Okay, Jenny, you stay here.  Claire and I will sneak out of our side of the car and
double back around the building so we can creep up on this douchebag,” Liz explains
as she pulls her own black skull cap down low on her head.  “How are we going to communicate
what’s going on though?”

I reach into my own Target bag that rests on my lap and pull out two walkie-talkies.

“I got these at the store too.”

I hand one to Liz and clutch the other one tightly in my hand while I continue digging
through the bag.  “I’ve also got mace and a taser.”

I hand the taser to Claire and the mace to Liz.

“Since when do they sell tasers at Target?” Claire asks, leaning forward in between
mine and Liz’s seats.

“Oh, they don’t.  I actually brought that from home.  Drew likes it when I use it
on his balls.”

“Fuck, Jenny.  Overshare,” Liz complains.

I watch as they quietly and slowly open their doors and slink out of the car.  They
shut their doors without a sound and crouch down, moving across the parking lot toward
the building.  I immediately feel nervous and double-check the bush to make sure the
guy is still hiding behind it and not paying attention to my friends.

I turn on my walkie-talkie and hold down the talk button.

“Hey,” I whisper.  “It’s Jenny.”

I let go of the button and within seconds hear Liz’s voice.  “No shit, Sherlock. 
We just made it to the back of the building,” she says softly, the sounds of her heavy
breathing coming through the walkie-talkie.  “Don’t watch where we’re going.  Don’t
act suspicious.  Just keep an eye on stalker guy and let us know if he changes position. 
Over and out Mrs. Pink.”

I stare at the device in my hand in confusion.

“Mrs. Pink?” I ask into the speaker.

“Yes, Mrs. Pink.  I’m Mrs. Black, Claire is Mrs. Brown, and you’re Mrs. Pink,” Liz
explains.

I hear Claire snatch the walkie-talkie out of Liz’s hand seconds later. “I don’t want
to be Mrs. Brown. I want to be Mrs. Pink.”

“Yeah, I don’t get why I’m Mrs. Pink.  I don’t even like the color pink,” I complain.

“Ooooh, I like the color pink.  I’ll be Mrs. Pink and you can be Mrs. Brown,” Claire
tells me.

“No, brown makes me think of poop.  I want to be Mrs. Blue. Blue is pretty.”

Suddenly there’s a scuffle and some cursing coming through the speaker.

“You guys are such dicks.  We’re not changing secret names.  Claire is Mrs. Brown
because of chocolate and you’re Mrs. Pink because pink makes me think of victims and
now if anyone is on this channel they’re going to know what we’re doing,” Liz explains
in irritation.

“So why are you Mrs. Black?” I question.

“Because I’m going to blacken your face if you guys don’t shut the fuck up.  We are
supposed to be commandeering a suspect, not having a coloring contest.”

I sigh and rest my hand with the walkie-talkie in my lap, glancing out of the car
window to see if my stalker is still behind the bush.  I can see the bush rustling
and what looks like a pair of black boots peeking out from underneath.  Suddenly,
I see Liz and Jenny running full speed from the other side of the building, straight
at the bush.  Without thinking, I throw the walkie-talkie onto the passenger seat
and scramble out of the car, rushing across the parking lot towards them.

As I’m running, I see Liz dive behind the bush and tackle someone.  I can hear Claire
screaming at the top of her lungs, aiming her taser at the tangle of arms and legs
I see flying out from the edge of the bush.

I finally get close enough to hear what’s going on and see a quick flash of light
burst out from the end of the taser followed by a high pitch scream.

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  YOU FUCK FACE. YOU JUST TASED ME!” Liz screams at Claire while
her body spasms and yet, she still manages to straddle the stalker’s back.  She’s
got him face-planted into the ground and her elbow wrapped around his neck the whole
time the electric voltage from the taser is ripping through her.  She’s like Rambo
on crack.

“OH MY GOD!  I’m sorry!  I’m sorry!  SHIT!” Claire yells as she yanks the taser back
toward her to get it off of Liz.

“AAAAAHHHHHH!  IT’S STUCK TO MY SKIN, YOU CUNT WHORE!  CUT IT THE FUCK OUT!”

“Oh God, oh God, oh God,” Claire mumbles as she drops the taser to the ground and
rushes over to Liz while she bounces up and down on the guys back and tightens her
hold on his neck.

“Oof, GET, oof, OFF, oof, ME!” the guy wheezes with each bounce as Liz lands on him.

“Tell us why you’ve been following our friend or I am going to mace you, you sick
fuck,” Liz yells as Claire gets behind her and gently removes the taser hooks from
her ass.

The guy has on a baseball cap and dark sunglasses and I can’t see his face, but there
is something familiar about his voice.  I don’t know what to do at this point except
just stand there helplessly and try to figure out how I know the man’s voice.  I know
I should get in there and help Liz out, but I’m kind of afraid of her right now. 
She might mistake me for the enemy and break my face.

While I just stand there, Claire reaches into the waistband of Liz’s leggings and
pulls out the can of mace, holding it out in front of her as she circles the pair
on the ground as they continue to struggle and Liz continues to lob insults at him.

“Just say the word, dude, and I will waste this mother fucker!” Claire says excitedly. 
“I’ve always wanted to say that!”

“Last chance, buddy.  Why were you following our friend?” Liz asks as she arches her
back and brings the guy's head up at an awkward angle since her arm is still locked
tightly around his neck.

“I’ll never talk.  You can’t make me!” the guy says brokenly as he pants and struggles
to get Liz off of him.

I can’t just stand there anymore. I need to do something.  I walk up behind Claire
and tap her on the shoulder.  She must not have noticed I joined them because as soon
as my fingers touches her arm, her body jolts in fright and she lets out a scream,
the action causing her finger to slip and press down on the red button on the can
of mace.

Within seconds, streams of liquid fire are hitting everyone in the face, including
Claire herself as she screams and panics, her arms flying all over the place.  I immediately
drop to the ground coughing hysterically, tears running down my face.  This burns
worse than the time Drew ate hot wings and then went down on me.  It feels like my
eyes are bleeding and I can’t stop coughing.