Troubles and Treats (11 page)

Since cuddling our reproductive organs has done nothing to boost our sex life, there’s
not much else for me to do except think back to a time when we
were
having sex. 
             
Man, those were the days.  We had A LOT of sex.  Like, a lot.  Pretty sure it was
impossible to even count that high.  And fuck, was it good sex.  Even when we were
trying to get pregnant with Veronica it was good sex.  You would think that since
we pretty much used to have sex every single day, it would have been easy for us to
get pregnant.  I had always thought that shoving as much sperm up there as you could
guaranteed you a baby.

I mean, it makes sense right?  If you’ve got this little egg, and you just throw a
handful of sperm at it, what are the chances that one will get through?  But if you
pour gallons and gallons of sperm all over it, that’s got to up your chances, right?

False!  Those little white-tailed squirmy devils have serious attitude.  It’s like
they think they’re too good to fertilize an egg.  Little bastards.  You’ve got to
trick them into submission.  A sneak attack when they’re least expecting it. 

“What, you say he’s going to put us through the tunnel while he’s on a Tilt-a-Whirl? 
Impossible!” 

“I do declare he just shot us out of his cannon in a golf cart on the highway.  Preposterous!”

You see?  Listen to those stuck-up fuckers.  They even talk like assholes.

After eight months with no success in getting pregnant, instead of letting it get
us down, we had just got creative.  We had sex in a supply closet on the maternity
floor of a hospital because Jenny thought it would bring us luck.  It didn’t, but
we got two bottles of Windex, three pairs of doctor’s scrubs, and a box of rubber
gloves out of the experience.  That was almost better than a baby!

Another time, Jenny had made a list of all of the couples we knew who either were
currently pregnant or had already had a baby.  We went down the list and had sex in
their beds.  She figured there must be some kind of magical power in their beds that
made it so
they
could have a baby.  Having sex in their beds would get some of that magic to rub
off on us.  Yeah, that didn’t work either.  And let me tell you, Carter and Claire
were not so agreeable with our magic dust plan.  I still didn’t get what the big deal
was.  It wasn't like we had sex while they were in the house.  We made sure to wait
until they left for work.  Geeze, give us a little credit.  I still had a scar on
my forehead from when Claire threw a lamp at my head.  It wasn't our fault they decided
to come home early.  They should have just followed their normal schedules and none
of that would have happened.

The next one was totally genius and all my idea.  What has more sperm than it knows
what to do with?  Yep.  A sperm bank.  I made an appointment and then made my deposit. 
In my wife – booyah!  I figured this place was getting people knocked up every single
day, so there had to be some luck in that, right?  Jenny was a little nervous at first. 
She said she was certain that little particles of sperm were floating in the air at
that place, and she was nervous that a particle from someone else would get all up
in her business, and then she’d give birth to a baby that wasn’t mine.  Don’t worry
though, we took precautions.  We kept her lady bits completely covered until I was
ready for my deposit, ensuring that my particles were the only ones getting inside. 
The nurse at that place wasn’t too happy when we came back out and I told her I had
made the deposit in the wrong cup.  Jenny also wasn’t too happy that I kept referring
to her vagina as a cup for the next several months.

I had been a little sad my idea hadn't worked, but it was okay because we came up
with something even better.

It’s a good thing and a bad thing the next experiment actually worked.  I say bad
just because some day Veronica is going to ask where she was conceived and were going
to have to tell her in the men’s room at a Red Lobster.  Jenny had read somewhere
that lobsters were lackadaisical, which in her mind, meant they would boost our desire,
thereby ensuring we got pregnant.  I was pretty sure she was trying to say aphrodisiac,
but I wasn't about to correct her when it meant I was going to get laid with a belly
full of lobster
and delicious Cheddar Bay Biscuits
.  Before the bill came, we excused ourselves from the table and sneaked into the
women’s room.  As soon as I saw the tampon machine on the wall, I turned around and
walked right back out.  I couldn’t concentrate on banging if I was thinking about
the red vagina of pain.  I grabbed Jenny’s hand and marched us over to the men’s room. 
The coast was clear; the urinals were empty and both of the stalls were unoccupied. 
I dragged her back to the handicap stall and got down to business.

“Fuck, you look so hot in that dress, baby,” I said softly as I slid my hands around
her hips and grabbed her ass, pulling her against me.

“Do you think it’s unclean to do this in a bathroom?  What if I get germs in my vagina?”
Jenny asked nervously as she looked around the inside of the stall.

“You obviously have no idea how unclean my penis is if you’re asking me this,” I told
her honestly as I slipped my hands under her dress, pushing it up past her hips.

“Jesus, you aren’t wearing any underwear,” I mumbled against the side of her neck
as my hand glides over her bare ass.

“I took them off at the table,” she told me, wrapping her arms around my neck as I
sucked and licked the skin right under her ear.

“That’s so hot.  Did you put them in your purse?”

I felt her shake her head “no” as my hand slid around in front, and I pushed my fingers
through her soft, wet skin.

“Oh God that feels good!  No, not in my purse.  I just left them on the floor under
the table.”

I pushed and twisted my fingers through her heated center, sliding them up and around
her clit with each pass.

“Fuck!  Take your pants off!” Jenny muttered as she clutched her fingers tightly into
my hair.

I pulled my fingers out of her with a groan, quickly unbuttoned and unzipped my pants,
and pushed them down to my knees.  Jenny lifted one leg up, wrapping it around my
hip so I could hold it in place by her knee.  With my free hand, I grabbed my dick
and positioned it at her entrance.

“We’re totally making a baby right now,” I told her.

“This is going to be the best bathroom baby ever made!” she said excitedly.

I thrusted into her smooth and fast, squeezing my eyes closed, trying to calm myself
down with how good she felt wrapped around my dick.  After a few seconds of getting
myself under control, I stopped thinking about anything else but fucking my wife and
those snot-nosed little sperms who thought they were better than everyone else.  I
began moving in and out of Jenny at a rapid pace, loving the little sounds of pleasure
that came out of her mouth.

“Fuck, I’m getting a cramp in my leg,” Jenny said after a few seconds.

I stopped moving, still buried balls-deep in her, giving her a second to put her leg
down and try to get more comfortable.

“Here, wrap both legs around me,” I told her as I lift her up, pushing her back against
the wall of the stall.

Her long, smooth legs locked around my waist, and I got back to the task at hand. 
Pretty soon, Jenny was clawing at my back and groaning loudly, and I knew she was
close to coming.  I sped up my movements until the stall was rattling and slamming
against the wall of the bathroom.

“OW!  Son of a bitch!  This is killing my back,” Jenny complained suddenly.

I pulled out of her as I let go of her legs and set her back down on the floor.

She stood there for a minute with her hands on her hips, looking at our surroundings.

“I’ve got it!  I’ll kneel on top of the toilet and you can rail me from behind,” she
said with a smile as she moved past me and put her knees on the seat of the toilet
and faced the wall.

“Oh my God, I love you so much right now,” I told her as I watch her get situated.

I had a clear view of her naked ass, and I was pretty sure if I didn’t hurry up and
get back inside her, I was going to shoot these baby bullets all over the floor.

She looked back at me over one shoulder and smiled.

“Saddle up, cowboy.  Give me your baby juice.”

I closed the gap between us, and she leaned forward awkwardly, resting her forehead
against the wall behind the toilet, wrapping her hands around the flusher to keep
her steady.

Grabbing onto her hips, I slid back home again, letting out a loud groan when I was
deep inside her again.

“Ohhhhhhhhhh fuck,” I moaned as I got my rhythm back.

I thought I heard a noise in the bathroom but nothing was going to stop me right now. 
I was in heaven and I wasn't ready to come out yet.

“Jeeeeeeesus!” I exclaimed loudly, thrusting into Jenny with all my might.

At this point we were both grunting and panting and oblivious to everything else around
us.

“Fuck this is good.  So good.  Uuuuuuunnnnggggghhhh,” I moaned.

“I’m sorry, but are you okay in there?”

The sound of another man’s voice in the next stall forced us to halt our movements
immediately.  I was clutching onto Jenny’s hips, and she whipped her head around to
stare at me with wide eyes.

“Um, ha, ha, yes!  I’m super, thanks for asking!” I replied back to the guy.

Jenny gave me a “what the fuck” look and I just shrugged.  As she turned back around,
she shifted on my dick a little and did that awesome thing with her vagina where it
squeezes me.

“Oh my goat milk, that’s hot!” I cried out.

“Ooooh, yeah.  Goat milk has that reaction with me too.  I always get the fire shits
from goat milk,” the guy in the next stall told me.

This guy needed to shut the fuck up already!  I didn’t need to hear about his burning
asshole while I was trying to make a baby!  It was like this guy had no class.

I did my best to ignore the rude guy next door so I could finish this thing before
Jenny decided it was a bad idea.  She turned her head again and looked me in the eye,
mouthing the words, “Hurry the fuck up!”

Don’t mind if I do!

Without a second thought, I started banging the hell out of her again.

“Fuck yeah.  Oh fuck, I’m so close!” I muttered.

“You’re doing great, buddy.  Keep pushing!” my bathroom friend encouraged me.

“Oh hell yes!  I’m pushing, fuck yeah!” I shouted back, bolstered by his enthusiasm.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening,” Jenny whispered.

“Oh, it’s happening!  It’s totally happening, baby!” I told her.

I could feel my orgasm and it was right there, just a few more thrusts and I could
send those little sperm fuckers to their home!

Mid-thrust, Jenny lost her grip and her hand slipped, causing the toilet handle to
push down, making the toilet flush.

“Well that was awkward,” I said as I continued what I was doing.

“Nope, not awkward at all,” bathroom man yelled back.  “A courtesy flush is always
a good idea.”

Even with this guy talking my ear off, Jenny felt so good that it was impossible to
stop my orgasm from rushing up through my balls.

“YES!  YES!  YES!” I shouted with my head thrown back.

With one last thrust—that I will argue until my dying day wasn’t that hard— Jenny
lost her balance on the toilet seat while I came, and one of her knees slipped down
into the toilet with a loud splash. Water flew out of the bowl and all over the floor.

“Oops,” I said sheepishly as I shivered through the final seconds of my orgasm.  I
had pulled out of Jenny and backed away from her while she struggled and tried to
get her knee out of the toilet, forcing more water all over the place.

“It’s okay, man, happens to the best of us,” the guy next door had admitted.

“Ain’t that the truth?!” I answered.

So, yeah.  That’s the story of Veronica’s conception and now Jenny and I have to figure
out how to break that news to her when she’s older.  Maybe we can leave out the part
of the spectator in the next stall over.  And the part about never finding Mommy’s
underwear when we had got back to the table.  And how
Mommy fell in the toilet.  You know what?  I think we’ll just make something up.

Fuck, now I’m horny.

I glance at my watch and realize I’ve got some time before Billy will be up from his
nap and Jenny will be home with Veronica.  Normally, I’d go jerk off, but Drew junior
is a little under the weather.  Remember when you were little and your mom would tell
you that if you whacked off too much you’d get hairy palms?  That’s so not true. 
Believe me, I've tried to make it come true.  I had thought it would be the coolest
thing ever to have hands like Teen Wolf.  Who needs a dog when you can pet your own
hands?  Michael J
.
Fox had no idea how good he had it.  Anyway, it turns out, whacking off too much
doesn’t cause hairy palms. It causes a raw, chafed dick.   I’m blaming this all on
Head and Shoulders.  Stupid blue and white bottle that looks so friendly with its
happy little green bubbles on the bottle.  I had thought rubbing my love handle in
the privacy of the shower with a little squirt of fresh-smelling shampoo the other
day would be lovely.  I mean, have you felt shampoo lately?  It’s soft and soapy and
smells like heaven.  Plus, if it can give you silky, smooth hair. That should naturally
mean it will give you a silky, smooth penis.

Folks, never, I repeat, NEVER, yank your wank with shampoo.  It may sound like a good
idea at the time; it may even FEEL like a good idea at the time.  Just give it a few
minutes and then your dick will turn into the fiery pits of hell.  It will burn like
Satan himself is breathing his fire breath on your Willy Wonka.  Oh, and it will also
feel like someone is chewing on your dick.  With razor blades for teeth.

So, while my dick is on the mend, I think I’ll spend some quiet time thinking about
ways to make my wife have dirty bathroom sex with me again.