Troubles and Treats (22 page)

“This is real life, soldiers!  Sometimes you don’t know where diapers and wipes are
and you have to make do, especially if you’re in the middle of the desert and your
baby just shit its brains out!

“When the fuck would that ever happen?” I ask in confusion.

GO!” he shouts, clicking the stop watch.

Carter takes off like a bat out of hell and runs to the front door, throwing it open
and racing outside.  He has the right idea - he’s getting the fuck out of dodge.

Jim and I look at each other in confusion and both take off at the same time, slamming
into one another, forcing Jim’s doll out of his arms.  It lands on the floor on its
head and we both pause and look over at my dad.

He just stands there shaking his head in disappointment.

Jim scoops up the doll and clutches it to his chest, giving me the finger before taking
off up the stairs.

My dad turns the stop watch around so I can see, and I realize I’ve wasted a shit
ton of time while Jim has probably already found a diaper and Carter is most likely
already three miles down the road and has chucked his doll into a ditch somewhere.

I turn and run into the kitchen, the doll’s head bobbing up and down and smacking
into my dick.  If this wasn’t a serious situation, I would be laughing my ass off
right now.

Oh fuck it.

I stop when I reach the kitchen and lift the doll’s head up by its hair.  “Was that
good for you, baby?  You need to work on your technique.  It’s never hot to just smack
your face into a guy’s junk,” I say with a laugh.

I hear a throat clear and turn around to see my dad standing in the kitchen doorway
with his hands on his hips, shaking his head at me.

Twenty minutes later, Jim and I are standing in the living room in front of the couch,
holding our dolls.  Mine has half of its hair singed off (don’t ask), a missing arm
with a screwdriver shoved into its body for a fake arm (seriously, don’t ask), and
a place mat tied around its ass for a diaper.

Jim’s doll doesn’t look any better.  He’s holding the body in one hand and the head
in the other, with one of its legs tucked under his arm.  It used to have a pink pair
of footy pajamas on, but now it’s just weari
ng a pair of Jim’s tighty whitie
s, held in place with a couple of Liz’s giant hair clips.

My dad notes our times on a pad of paper sitting on the coffee table and hits the
stop button.

“This is just a sad, sad display of skills gentlemen,” he complains.

“Wait, where’s Carter?  You can’t stop the time yet, that asshole hasn’t even made
it back from wherever the hell he went,” Jim complains.

“Carter has been back here for ten minutes.  He’s in the bathroom fixing his baby’s
hair that got a little windblown outside.”

At that moment, we hear the toilet flush and the bathroom door open and Carter walks
out into the living room holding his baby on his hip.  Her hair is in two French braids,
she’s wearing a different outfit than the one she came in, and has a diaper perfectly
attached to her ass.

“What.  The.  Fuck?” I ask him as he walks over to stand in between Jim and I, looking
at each of our babies in horror.

He quickly covers his doll’s ear with one hand and presses her other ear against his
chest.

“Drew!  Language!” he scolds in a loud whisper.

“Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me.  He totally cheated!  You called your wife,
didn’t you?  Did Claire meet you outside or something?” I complain.

“Of course not.  I am just better equipped to deal with a baby, obviously,” he replies,
bouncing gently and patting the doll’s back.

“Alright, since you two obviously failed that test, you need a remedial course,” my
dad says to Jim and me.  “Carter, I’m going to need your help.”

~

“No, no, no.  You’re doing it all wrong.  You need to support his head more.  My God,
it’s like you’ve never had kids before,” Carter scolds as he repositions my hands
and angles the bottle up higher.

“This is not the key to fixing my marriage OR my sex life.  You guys all realize this,
right?”

My dad walks over to check on things and smacks me upside the head.

“Wrong!  A happy wife is a happy life.  You learn how to do your share around the
house and you will get laid regularly.  Just ask your mother.”

I groan and dry heave, the bottle slipping out and milk squirting all over the front
of me.  “Dad, gross.  Do NOT talk about you and Mom.  Ever.”

Carter grabs my hands and puts the bottle back where it was.

“You need to rock and bounce a little.  It helps them digest the milk easier so they
don’t have as much gas.  And make sure they don’t keep sucking after the milk is gone.
They’ll just be getting air then, and it will cause a tummy ache,” Carter says, putting
his arm around my shoulder and forcing me to sway slowly with him on the couch.

“Your mother has no complaints in the bedroom OR around the house.  I keep her very
sexually satisfied, and I always got up with you in the middle of the night,” my dad
says while I grimace at his words.

“Wait, are you seriously trying to tell me that if I just get up with Billy in the
middle of the night, everything will be restored to its rightful order?” I question.

“You stopped swaying, concentrate and keep swaying or the baby will cry.  You don’t
want the baby to cry if you’re doing a nighttime feeding or the whole house will wake
up,” Carter reminds me, pushing against me again to get me to sway.

“I’m saying that if you put yourself in your wife’s shoes once in a while, it will
be easy to see what she needs.  She needs a night of sleep, she needs help around
the house, she needs your love and support, and the proof that you WANT to help her
with these things.  A wife that isn’t getting what she needs is never going to want
to give you what YOU need,” Dad tells me.

“I need kinky sex,” I tell him plainly.

“Then rock that baby like you mean it!” he yells at me.

And that’s how Liz found us fifteen minutes later when she came home early from her
parent’s house.  Carter and I swaying back and forth on the couch with Jim spread
out on my lap, drinking out of the bottle I was feeding him.

Drew and Jackson are up in our bedroom, and I can hear their laughter from the living
room where I pace anxiously for everyone to arrive.  Jackson had complimented Drew
on his shirt for the night: a picture of that Monopoly guy holding a pile of money
in his arms that says, “I like big bucks and I cannot lie.” Drew had taken him upstairs
to show him the rest of his shirt collection.

When I had told Drew about the game night and what we were going to play, he got really
excited and immediately called Jackson and asked him to be our “host” for the evening. 

I want to be as thrilled as he is for tonight but my stomach is tied in kno
ts.  All I can think about is
someone asking him a really important question and him getting it wrong.  I had thought
about canceling tonight a bunch of times, but I don’t want to ruin everyone’s night. 
They are all looking forward to this.  I should be too, really.  The kids are both
spending the night with Drew’s parents, and everyone else has managed to get sitters
as well.  We don’t have to worry about bedtimes or cranky kids or anything being lit
on fire.  We are free to do whatever we want, for however long we wanted to.

The doorbell rings just as I hear Drew and Jackson coming back down the stairs.  I
run to the door and fling it open to see all four of our friends standing there, each
with a bottle of liquor in their hands.

“We come baring gifts,” Carter says with a laugh as I hold the door open for them.

“I just want to let everyone know that Liz and I are so totally going to win this
thing.  We
have
to win this thing.  It’s a matter of life and death,” Jim says seriously as he sets
his bottle of whiskey down on the coffee table in the living room where I’ve set out
some snacks and a bunch of glasses.

“There’s no way you’re winning this.  Claire and I have been quizzing each other since
this morning.  We’ve got this in the bag,” Carter argues with Jim, setting his bottle
of vodka next to the whiskey.

Jim turns and puts his hands on Carter’s shoulders and looks him in the eye.

“For the love of God, man, you
have
to let us win this,” Jim pleads.

“Why the hell is he being so dramatic,” Claire asks Liz softly.

Liz lets out a huge sigh as she hands me her bottle of wine.

“I made the mistake of telling him that if we win, I’ll give him anal.  I was kind
of joking at the time because he doesn’t want to play the game, and I was trying to
get him in the mood for it.  I may have gone a little overboard,” she explains as
we watch Jim run over to Drew and get down on his knees in front of him.

“Drew, please, listen to reason.  I’m begging you, don’t let us lose.  Oh God, I can’t
lose!” he wails.

“Hey, asshole, while you’re down there…” Drew says with a laugh.

Jim clenches his fist and punches him right in the nuts and Drew goes down on his
knees, holding his crotch.

“Alright, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jackson and I will be your host for this
evening,” Jackson says with a grin while I grab Drew’s arm and help him stand up.

“Um, Jackson, everyone already knows who you are.  Remember?” I whisper to him.

“Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain,” Claire says with a laugh as she
takes a sip of the wine she's poured for herself.

“I’m not behind a curtain.  Is this part of the game?” I ask in confusion.

“Anyway, I’m going to start by taking the ladies into another room and asking them
a series of questions.  They will write their answers on these pieces of poster board,”
Jackson explains, holding up a stack of white, heavy duty cardboard and a couple of
black markers.  “Then I’ll do the same with the guys.  Everyone will keep their answers
in a stack, face down on their laps.  We’ll do ladies first, so the women will be
answering the questions for the first round.  Each couple will get five points for
each correct answer.  The couple with the most points at the end of the game will
be crowned The Best Couple in all the Land.”

This seems complicated and Jim is so excited he’s bouncing up and down in his chair. 
He wants to win this as bad as I do.  I can’t even bribe Drew with anal like Liz did.
That ship sailed a long time ago.

“Okay, ladies.  Grab your glasses and follow me.  Boys, start getting liquored up
so you have a fighting chance,” Jackson says as he turns and heads into the kitchen.

“Hey, sweetie, do you want a nipple for that drink?” Liz asks Jim with a secret smile.

“You were never to speak of that again!” he complains, throwing his hands up in the
air.

“What is he talking about?” Claire asks Liz as they make their way to the kitchen.

“If he pisses me off tonight, I’ll let you know,” she tells Liz, throwing Jim a warning
look over his shoulder.

“Fuck, even if we win I’m not getting anal.  This sucks,” Jim complains, pouring himself
a healthy glass of whiskey.

I let go of Drew’s arm and start to follow when he suddenly wraps his arm around my
waist and pulls me back against his chest.  He leans his head over my shoulder from
behind, and with his free hand, swipes my hair off of my shoulder.

“Let’s kick some ass, baby,” he whispers against the side of my neck before pressing
his lips to my collarbone.  He holds them there for several seconds, letting his tongue
snake out to taste my skin before pulling his mouth away from me.

My whole body tingles from head to toe and a smile lights up my face as I pat the
top of his hand that's resting on my stomach before he lets go and smacks my ass as
I walk away.

Drew has been different this week.  He pissed me off a few times making a big deal
about putting the toilet seat down after he used it.  I mean, give me a break!  You
don’t need a present and a pat on the back for doing crap like that!  But he does
deserve a present for everything else.  Ever since he helped his dad build that bookcase,
he’s been super helpful with everything.  The past four nights, he’s got up each time
Billy cried and gave him his bottle, telling me to go back to sleep.  Last night Billy
had slept through the night for the first time.  Drew has even used the sex swing
that is still in the corner of our room and agrees that it makes a
great
baby swing, especially when I show him where he could store extra bottles.

On Wednesday of this week, he had shocked me again after work.  I was late getting
home from running a few errands so I could relieve Drew from kid duty and he could
head to work, so we barely had time to even say, “Hi” to each other as we passed in
the doorway.  As soon as I set my bags down inside the door, the first thing I noticed
was how absolutely spotless the house was.  Not one toy or dirty dish in sight and
there was a basket of folded laundry on the couch.  Before I could say anything, he
grabbed my hand and placed a small, white box in it before kissing the tip of my nose
and then racing to his car to make it to work on time.

When we first started dating, we went to the movies one night and he bought me a giant
bag of Skittles.  I sat there for fifteen minutes before the movie started and picked
out all of the red and purples ones, putting them in a napkin in my cup holder before
handing him the bag.  From that point on, every once in a while for no reason at all
he would give me a little white box that was filled with just purple and red Skittles. 
I couldn’t even tell you the last time he did that for me.

I knew exactly what would be in the box and my hands shook and my eyes filled with
tears as I closed the front door and opened the lid.  Sure enough, the box was filled
to the brim with purple and red Skittles.  Not only was he stepping up his game around
the house before I even had a chance to sit down and talk to him, he was starting
to do the little things that I loved the most like giving me my favorite treats.

And tonight, he had given me another favorite treat: kissing my collarbone.

I can’t wipe the smile off of my face as I enter the kitchen and find Liz and Claire
seated at the table, arguing over who is going to win the game.

“Ladies, ladies!  No more arguing.  The winner has just entered the room,” I tell
them with a smile as I sit down at the table with them.

“Well, it’s about fucking time you got your confidence back!” Liz tells me.  “Bartender,
pour us a round of shots!”

Jackson laughs and turns toward the counter, filling up drinking glasses with a few
inches of black cherry vodka.

“You know he’s not a bartender, right?  He’s a carpenter,” I whisper to Liz.

Jackson comes back over to the table and places a glass in front of each of us.

“Shut up and do your shot!” Liz tells me.

We down our shots, let out a cheer, and Jackson begins our questions.

~

“Alright, for five points, making your score a grand total of forty-five, Drew – what
would Jenny say is her favorite place to make love?” Jackson asks.

“VAGINA!  IN HER VAGINA!” Drew screams excitedly.

Jackson looks over at me and nods, and I flip over my card for everyone to see my
answer.

Jim and Liz groan from their spots on the floor, and Carter and Claire start to laugh
while Drew bounces up and down and gives me a high five when he sees the word “vagina”
written really big on my card.

“WOOOHOOO! We are kicking ALL of your asses!” Drew shouts as I throw my card down
to the discard pile on the floor.

I don’t know why I was so worried about this game.  No matter what, Drew and I know
each other very well.  It doesn’t matter if we aren’t on the same page or even reading
the same book.  Which we never are anyway because I like romances and Drew only reads
the funny pages, and it just occurred to me that that statement is kind of dumb. 
Who reads the same book at the same time?  I takes me months to read a book and other
people might read fast.  That’s just weird.

Anyway, we were really kicking everyone’s ass and unfortunately, poor Jim wasn’t going
to be plowing the back field tonight since he and Liz are currently in last place
with only ten points.

“Jim, who did Liz say is better at handling money?” Jackson asks him.

Jim chuckles and finishes off his drink, setting the glass on the coffee table next
to him.

“Man, this is an easy one.  Me!”

Liz flips her card over and then smacks Jim in the chest with it.

“Are you kidding me?  You went to the store two weeks ago and bought seventy-two bottles
of Windex.  Who the fuck even USES seventy-two bottles of Windex in their entire life?”
Liz complains, throwing her card down on the floor.

“IT WAS ON SALE!” Jim yells at her.  “I saved money in the long run!”

“We will DIE before even half of that is used.  You WASTED money!” Liz yells back.

“Alrighty then, moving on.  Carter, for five points, bringing your score up to thirty-five,
if you told Claire that tomorrow you would do one item from her ‘Honey-Do List’, what
would she pick?” Jackson asks.

Carter leans over and kisses Claire on the cheek and answers confidently, “Install
the new sink in the guest bathroom.”

Claire leans away from him and gives him a dirty look before flipping her card over.

“I installed the sink myself three weeks ago.  What did I tell you JUST THIS MORNING
that you needed to fix before I smothered you in your sleep and set fire to your Sopranos
DVD collection?”

Carter leans forward and looks at her card.

“Ohhhhhh, right.  Move the heavy bag I hung in the middle of the garage because now
you can’t park in there.  My bad,” Carter says apologetically.

“Okay, final question and for the win. - Drew, you’ve run out to the corner store
late at night to pick up milk.  You decide while you’re there to get a treat for Jenny. 
What did she say you would buy her?” Jackson asks.

I look over at Drew and he looks over at me and we both smile.

“Skittles, Funyons and a Chinese finger trap!” Drew says without looking away from
me.

I flip my card over and everyone voices their complaints when they see
Skittles, Funyons, and a Chinese finger trap
written on my card.

“With fifty points, the winners are Drew and Jenny!” Jackson shouts.

Drew and I both jump up from the couch and start hugging and jumping up and down. 
Before I know it, his lips are on mine and his hands are pressed against my lower
back, pulling my body up against his.  I don’t even think twice before sliding my
tongue past his lips and swirl it around his.  He tastes like whiskey and a hint of
the peppermint toothpaste he used earlier, and I want to swallow him whole.  I clutch
the front of his shirt in my fists and pull him even closer, sucking on his tongue
just the way he likes.  Drew groans into my mouth, his hands sliding down toward my
ass.  I bend my knees slightly and prepare to jump up and wrap my legs around his
waist when the sound of throats clearing and Jim yelling, “GET A ROOM!” breaks through
our haze of lust.