Tough to Love: Saving Avery (10 page)

I swallowed my pride, humiliation and shame
on my face, barely able to choke out the words, “I do need you. I don’t want to go,” I said, looking at him, not wanting to hold eye contact. I was embarrassed at where we were at, and felt like I was groveling. Flush filled my cheeks as I begged him to reconsider.

“Steel, don’t do this,” I cried.

“Do what? You wanted to leave, you walked out,” he growled.

“It was a mistake.”

He turned his head away, trying to absorb the moment, teetering on the edge.

“I need you. You’re everything to me
,” I pleaded.

He wouldn’t look at me, but his tone softened. “I just want what’s best for you, if only you’d listen to me. You’re stubborn, Avery, and can’t see clearly sometimes.”

I nodded, sobbing. I was afraid to say anything, so I let him take control of the conversation.

“I want this to work, but you’ve got to let go and let me lead.”

Dropping my head, I begged, “Please don’t make me go.”

“You can stay,” he said, and reached an arm out. I walked toward him, and as he pulled me in, wrapping me in an embrace, I cried into his chest.
It hit me that I almost lost him, and nothing would have shattered me more. Steel Brickman was my life.

“I’m not m
yself right now,” he finally admitted. “This knee isn’t going to heal fast enough; I may get sidelined before I even get started.”

“You’re worth the wait,” I whispered. “They’ll see that.”

“I hope so,” he said, resting his head against mine.

With the holidays approaching, we realized how far we’d come. He walked into the bar a year before, finding me a broken shell of a person. And yet, here we were all this time later. It was hard to grasp so much time had passed.

I’d finally gotten a bite on a resume and had an interview coming up. Only when I got there and they told me it was for an opening in Dallas, I turned them down. While I wanted to start something, I didn’t want to do it far away from Steel. I’d hold out for another job. For now, I stayed put at Phil’s – at least it was something.

I think it embarrassed him though, because he got antsy about me finding a new job, even a different bartending job – but Phil’s was turning into a sore spot. I finally put in for an opening at another local pub. He seemed pleased for the time, but it was always something. When I landed another job at Hops and Scotch, he complained that bartending wasn’t what I got my college degree for.

I knew he wanted me to strive for more, to find my future, but without people returning my calls, there wasn’t much I could do.

He was on the phone with his sister a lot, and at one point I overheard him mention I was wasting my life away serving booze. I was
crushed; he said it with venom in his voice, not with hope of a better future. Did he think I wasn’t good enough based on my job?

When I confronted him, he admitted that while it was okay at one point, he expected better things from me, but thought I was settling. The real problem was he had too much time on his hands. His physical therapy had him cagey and unsettled. He needed something to focus his time and energy on, since football wasn’t happening right now – and it was like I became his pet project.

I couldn’t keep doing this, him trying to mold me, micro-manage my life, trying to change me. I mean, if he wanted to motivate me great, but it wasn’t that – it was more like he thought he knew what was best for me. It became smothering.

Our fights were about my career, my lack of trying, and what was I going to do with my life. The pattern grew weary, and after one too many arguments, I caved.

“Steel, this isn’t working,” I finally sighed. “I can’t be who you want me to be.”

“I just want you to want more for yourself.”

“What if I was perfectly happy being a bartender? Would that be enough?”

He looked away, not wanting to voice his truth, that no
, it wouldn’t be enough for him. He wanted a woman in his life who strived for greatness. He finally said it, and they were words he couldn’t undo. “I guess I just expected more out of you.”

I felt like a wounded kitten. “So, I’m a disappointment. Why do you keep me around?”

“I love you, Avery; I just don’t think I’m in love with you anymore. I’m losing respect for you, now that you’ve settled for mediocrity.  I don’t know if I can live with that.”

The sting was intense. The words were out and there was no going back.

I wished him well and gathered my things. I had no idea where I’d stay, but for now I’d find a cheap hotel room until I could find something better. We were through here, there was nothing left. His words struck me hard, and if he wasn’t in love with me there was no point in staying.

I found rooms that rented by the week at the “29 Slumber Motel” on the outside of town. It wasn’t pretty, but at least I had my own bathroom, un
like when I lived at Phil’s. The hotel was full of people that made the rent-by-week place their ongoing residence. I felt like a vagrant, but for now it would be home.

I’d look for a house to share or room for rent in a nicer part of town when I found my motivation. Right now the only thing I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry.

When Steel came to Hops and Scotch, I wasn’t expecting him. Sitting at the bar, he waited for me to see him. I was in the back, grabbing a plate of food for a customer.

Walking back, I stopped in my tracks. He knew I’d be here. Holding my breath, I glanced over and then approached him. “I’ve got to drop this plate off, I’ll be back.”

He nodded.

Taking a deep breath, I turned and went back. “What are you doing here?”

“Come home, Avery. I miss you.”

“You don’t love me,” my eyes were starting to mist over.
Shit, I didn’t want to cry at work
.

“I do love you. I was a jerk. I can’t sleep without you by my side. Please baby, come home.”

I swallowed hard, and as much as I wanted to tell him there was no way in hell I was going back, just to prove a point, I knew it would be stupid. I missed him and wanted to be with him, I just didn’t like where our relationship was going. I hoped it was something we could fix.

I finally spoke, “
I’ll get my stuff after work.”

“Where is it? I’ll get it for you.”

I handed him the key, “29 Slumber Motel, room six.”

He nodded. “I’m sorry, Avery. I was wrong. I need you as much as you need me.”

“I love you,” I got out before breaking into tears. I quickly corralled them, not wanting to lose control behind the bar. My customers didn’t need to see this.

“We’ll make this right,” was all he said, and then got up to leave.

I was stunned. Part of me wanted to be angry, but the other part was so relieved he’d be back in my life. We belonged together. We needed each other.

I was responsible for this. It wasn’t Avery’s fault. I felt like less of a man, my career on the line, not knowing what my future held. I’ve been an ass, unkind with my words. Sometimes I don’t filter myself like I should.

Truth be told, Avery coming into my life made me feel complete. There was something sweet that came out. She was still guarded at times, but the way I feel when she’s in my arms makes me happy.

I want what’s best for her, and she’s such a smart girl, that I worry she’ll settle for less than she deserves. I know her confidence took a hit a couple years ago, but she’s worth so much more than she realizes. She doesn’t project that, and then settles for good enough. She’s capable of so much more.

I want to lift her onto my shoulders and help her reach her dreams, but the girl just doesn’t dream – at least not what I can see. Only in my effort to push her, I pushed too hard and came off like a jerk.

She seems lost, uncertain what her future holds. I don’t know how to change that. I can’t make things better, I can’t fix it, and that’s a hard place for me to be. I feel so much saner when I’m in control – but she’s got to live her own life, and I need to let her.

I don’t mean to come off as overbearing, it’s just that sometimes the way I love that girl overwhelms me. It’s in her lack of self-respect that I get frustrated. She muddles through, settles, and doesn’t reach for the stars. I’d buy her a god damned ladder if it would help, but I don’t know how to help anymore – and that puts me at a loss.

The only thing I’m certain of anymore is that I both want and need Avery by my side. She’s everything to me.

Shame ran through me as I pulled up to the
“29 Slumber Motel”. It was a hole in the wall kind of place, she shouldn’t be living here. The white cinderblock walls were painted years ago and were peeling. The letters on the sign showed wear, and one of the letter e’s was missing, so the sign read “29 Slumb-r Motel”. It had fallen off ages ago. She deserves so much better than this shit hole, and it was me that sent her there. The cars in the parking lot were all jagged and tired, sitting with bald tires and too many miles on them.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. She had nowhere to go and ended up here. It’s not like she could go home to the assholes that called themselves her family.
Gathering her belongings, I returned her key to the office and headed home. This was my fault. I did this to her…and now I need to fix it. She expects more from me, and I let her down.

I had to ring the doorbell. I didn’t have a key anymore. It felt weird, almost symbolic, waiting for him to let me back in. I felt like an outsider, like I didn’t belong, and yet I wanted to be here. Without Steel I felt empty. Ever since he found me that day, bartending at Phil’s, I knew he was special. He was the man that sat me out, let me be who I was, and it confused me that he wanted something different today. Why wasn’t I good enough doing the same thing I’d always done.

He said he wanted more for me, wanted me to reach higher, but I didn’t know if it was for me or if it was for him. I found a new place to work, a cleaner, more respectable bar – but maybe it wasn’t enough. It had to be. If he wanted me, this was who I was. Yes, I went through college and got a degree, but I wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t even know if I wanted another job. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t, I think my mood changed daily – but he’d have to accept me regardless of what I did, because my identity wasn’t some job.

When he opened the door, he apologized. “I should have given you your key, I didn’t think.”

“It’s okay,” I said, a little nervous to enter. I wanted to jump into his arms, but it wasn’t that easy. We had things to work out. The tension was thick. We loved each other, but would it be enough to carry us through?

“I’m glad you’re home.”

“Me too,” I walked past him and sat on the edge of the sofa. “Steel, we need to talk about this.”

“I know,” he said, sitting in a chair caddy corner to the sofa.

“I want this to work, but something’s broken.”

He nodded, “We’ll figure it out,” he paused, “together. Don’t leave, Avery, I need you here.”

Steel
needing anything came as a surprise really. He was always so in control, like he could tackle the world with stacks of concrete on his shoulders, a bull pushing through and taking charge. I couldn’t picture him needing someone as simple and as messed up as me.

“You don’t need me,” I whispered. “You can move mountains without me.”

“But I can’t undo my broken heart,” he said, his eyes meeting mine. “I love you. I want you beside me. I was a fool to send you away.”

I looked down, breaking our eye contact. “But you’re not in love with me,” I repeated softly, the words killing me.

“That’s not true. I was trying to hurt you, and that makes me an ass for sinking that low. Avery, just give us another chance. We need this.”

I nodded, and sank back into the cushions of the sofa, relieved that whatever had happened between us seemed to have passed. I couldn’t imagine life without Steel, and now I wouldn’t have to.

Standing up, he sat next to me, letting his hand rest on my knee. “Can you forgive me? I’m sorry I wasn’t more careful with your feelings.”

“Yeah,” I whispered. “Can you forgive me? I was a bitch.”

“Yeah,” he said.

We sat exhausted and worn from the emotions between us. It didn’t lead to incredible make-up sex like so many other people talk about, but there was a tiny spark that had us
clasping our hands together tightly, and in that moment sitting on the sofa holding hands felt amazing.

With h
is physical therapy starting, now that the cast was coming off, Steel was ready to move again. He knew he wouldn’t be playing as soon as he wanted, but at least it was something. Once the cast came off, it made a huge difference in his demeanor.

Seeing him climb out of the depression was like recognizing the old Steel of past. I didn’t realize just how heavy the burden of his injury had been. His identity was tied to his career, and if he wasn’t useful he didn’t know if the Red Hawks would keep him. He had no intention of just being a bench warmer.

It was great to see him coming back to himself, and that lifted me up as well. The mood lightened at home, and we seemed to be back on track. My biggest hurdle now was deciding what I wanted to do with my life. I couldn’t bartend forever. I mean, sure it’s a job and brings in money, but there was more to life – and I needed to decide how I’d be spending mine.