Tough to Love: Saving Avery (4 page)

She needed someone to protect her, make her feel safe. If I couldn’t help her, who could? I’d heard the rumors, was offered scholarships, but turned them down. Family came first. I’d go into business, and tucked football aside. I’d play in the smaller league, but the thought of turning pro wasn’t in the cards. I needed to stay, be the rock that she needed, a shoulder to lean on. It was the right thing to do.

It was Lily who convinced me to take the job with the Red Hawks. Enough time had passed, she said she was fine, and that she’d be crushed holding me back. She was ready to take on the world once again, and when I saw her smile I knew she’d be okay.

I wondered if I’d ever see Avery smile.

Football season was coming to a close, and without the Red Hawks making it into the playoffs, Steel’s schedule freed up more. He would be their saving grace the following year, or so his coach hoped, but this year was a wash.

He kept showing up. I didn’t ask him to, but he’d sit with me until I finished, wasting time. It’s not like we became best buddies, but he sat there silent as stone, watching over me like some protector that I didn’t ask him to be.

The more I saw him, the more I wanted him – and the more I forced my wall tighter around me. I couldn’t bend and get soft over some good looking guy. He’d just leave when he got what he wanted. And what the hell did he want, some kind of twisted challenge? There were so many others that would have gladly thrown themselves at him.
Only he’d sit on that stool, waiting me out.

Exasperated, I finally lamented, “What do you want from me?”

“I just want to be your friend, Avery.”

“Why? Why bother, I’m not a good friend.”

“Okay,” he shrugged, “maybe I’m interested in getting to know you better.”

“You obviously can’t read signals that I’m not interested.”

“But you are. You just aren’t ready for me yet.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be.”

“Are you going to live caged up forever, never letting anybody in?”

“You’re trying to fix me, and I don’t need
to be fixed.”

“I’m trying to love you, but you won’t let me close enough.”

The word took me off guard. It was like a splash of cold water thrown on my face. “What, why,” I stammered. “You barely know me.”

“
I know that something pulls me back to this place time after time, because for some reason I want to be around you.”

“You’re trying to rescue me, and I don’t want to be rescued – besides, I’m tough to love.”

“Let me in long enough to give me a chance, that’s all I’m asking.”

“Why me? There are so many others out there, why waste your time?”

“I don’t see it as wasting time. I see it as waiting you out.”

“Great, so now I’m some conquest, and you think if you’re patient enough, I’ll suddenly fall into your arms?”

“Why do you want to push me away? Why do you hate me without even knowing me?”

“Why do you like me without even knowing me?”

We stared at one another, neither giving an inch. Only something cracked, crumbled, and for just a second in time, I could see myself in his arms. Letting him hold me, letting him want me, feeling safe and protected – his persistence would wear me down.

“Give me a chance, Avery. I could be good for you
.” It was a simple statement.

I nodded quietly. We both knew what I wanted, but something kept standing in my way.
There was something thick in the air between us, and yet we barely knew one another. Sure, he’d been here plenty, but I never let him in. I was about to.

“Go out with me tonight,” he said. It wasn’t a question.

Sucking in my lip, I let go. “Okay,” I finally said, giving in to what he wanted, and maybe what I wanted more.

“That a girl,” he smiled and stood. “I’ll be back for you when your shift ends.”

I watched him walk out. I was terrified, scared he would see how broken I was and realize it was a mistake to be interested in me. I’m not a whole person anymore. Who wants a shattered puzzle in their life?

He showed up like he said he would. Following him outside, I was relieved to see a car this time in place of his bike. Climbing into the large black SUV, I settled beside him, watching, waiting, not knowing what was next.

“I thought we could go get some dinner.”

“Okay,” I said, looking at his profile. His jaw was defined, his cheekbones strong. He was a handsome man, and more than I deserved. I had no idea what he saw in me, or why he was even here, but he was. I needed to decide if I was going to trust him not to hurt me, because right now I wasn’t sure I could trust a man.

Pulling into the parking lot of the same all night diner we’d stopped at before, he commented. “Not a lot of places open this late.”

“I’m used to it.”

“If you let me take you out on a day off, we could try something else.”

“Pancakes suit me fine,” I said unbuckling
and climbing out.

Walking beside me, he reached over and took my hand cautiously. His hands were massive, like giant bear paws, and as he gently wrapped my own smaller hand in his, my heart thumped. That simple little touch only reminded me how attracted I was to the guy – the very guy I couldn’t let in.

I said nothing and allowed him to hold my hand. He let go long enough to pull the door open for me, and then followed me in. His hand gently rested on my shoulder from behind. Again, the current of electricity shooting through my body told me more than I needed to know.

As much as I wanted to be touched, it caused me to panic. Last time I was touched, it wasn’t a pleasant experience. I felt dirty and angry, but tonight with his hand resting on my shoulder, I felt desire, something I hadn’t felt in way too long, and I almost didn’t recognize it.

Seated in a booth, I picked up the menu, feeling his eyes on me. He no longer hid the fact that he wanted me. His eyes told me what he wanted to say. I looked up, and then hurriedly looked back down, afraid that if I stared into his eyes I would melt into a pool of bliss.

His hand came up to the edge of my menu, the very one that I was hiding my face with, and he gently pulled it down. I looked up at him, my heart racing, and saw a small smile. I smiled back and then looked back down. He could feel my awkwardness in the moment, and let me shield myself behind the menu once again.

“Pancakes, again?”

“Probably,” I answered.

The waitress stopped by and took our order, and without the menu to offer me a wall of invisibility, I was forced to look at him.

“I know that look, the distant one in your eyes. It’s pain, I get that, but I’m not trying to hurt you.”

“I’m not sure how to get past it anymore,” I admitted quietly.

“You take one block down at a time, and let a little more light in.”

“What makes you an expert?”

“Between my mom and my sister, I’ve had to figure it out myself.”

I knew about his mother, he told me, but not his sister. “Your sister?”

“She went through something,” he said, not filling in details.

“I’m sorry.”

When the food arrived, I was thankful for the break in tension. I could focus on the food. I was squirming in my seat, torn between wanting to be bathed in Steel’s warm kisses, and wanting to get the hell out of here. The other side of me wanted to rush home and lock my deadbolt so nobody, especially Steel Brickman could touch me. It was a confusing place to be. I wanted his touch, and yet feared it. I didn’t fear him, I feared it would wash me in memories, and bring it back like a fresh wound.

We found a way to talk about other things, him talking about his team and back home, me talking about school. It was something, because the sexual tension that sat between us was thick enough to cut. Distraction was the easy answer. I knew when we finished here there would be that awkward moment again of not knowing what to do next.

He reminded me of somebody who always knew what he was going to do next. He was a leader, someone in charge. Steel Brickman
set the pace, and was never indecisive. He knew what he wanted and he went after it. This time it was me.

Leaving the diner, we walked to the parking lot, and once again he reached for my hand. There was a certain sense of protection I felt around him. Maybe it was his size, maybe his demeanor, but he wasn’t the kind of guy you mess with. Nobody was going to bother this guy – he owned the space he was in, and let you know he set the rules.

Stopping to open the door, he lifted my hand to his lips, his soft, soft, sweet lips, and kissed the top of my hand. His mouth was warm, the kiss was tender, and in that moment I melted. Sitting, I let him close the door behind me.

I watched him walk around the front of the vehicle. He was masculine, strong, and so damn attractive. I knew I wanted him, needed to touch him, but that meant letting him touch me back. I wasn’t sure I could go there – not yet.

I wanted to slide my hands across his muscled biceps, his body buff and firm. I knew if I wrapped my hands around the ripple of muscle, I’d feel that familiar dip in my stomach, the one that rushes at you when you’re flushed with girlie emotions. It’s such a biological response, you can’t even help yourself. My cheeks blushed, thinking about wanting to touch him. He had to know, right?

I wasn’t sure what I gave away and what I didn’t anymore. I had desire, I knew it was there, bubbling up like some ember or spark, but then I’d shut it down out of fear. I didn’t know how to let it live inside of me anymore.

Steel turned to me, “You up for a ride?”

“Sure,” I had nowhere else to be. I trusted him to get me home safely later. That was the thing, I trusted him in some ways, I just wasn’t sure I trusted myself.

The radio played older classic rock, but the volume was kept soft. It was background music, not overwhelming.

“Who hurt you,” he asked, going sixty down a two lane highway.

“Too many people,” was all I answered, staring out the window into the dark night.

“Will you tell me?”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Have you told anyone?”

“The people I told shut me down, made me feel like a fool. Why would I put myself through that again?”

“You can talk to me.”

“I barely know you.”

“You don’t have anyone else left, do you?”

I shrugged. “It’s more than you want to hear.”

“I can handle it, I’ve got big shoulders.” He gently pulled the car into an open lot of a market that was closed for the night.

“My step-brother,” was all I could get out. I choked the words out, wondering why I even spoke them.

I saw the vein in his temple move – but his face showed nothing else.

“What did he do?”

“Forced himself on me,” I finished. “I can’t talk about this anymore.”

His knuckles went white, gripping the steering wheel, as his jaw clenched. “Bastard,” he sneered under his breath. “I’ll kill him,” he started, and then pulled it back.

I sucked air, not sure what to make of his reaction. It was stronger than I expected.

“And your parents?”

“What parents?” I said, making my point. “Parents don’t shit on you after something like that, like mine did.
They’re strangers to me.”

Turning to me, “How long has it been?”

“A year, year and a half.”

“It took my sister about two years to feel whole again,” he said quietly. “She went through something with a guy.”

“Did you hurt him?”

“Yeah, but I stopped before I killed him, if that’s what you’re asking.”

I didn’t know what to think, what to say, but I couldn’t look away.

He took me home, but I didn’t want to get out of his car.
I felt safe, warm, protected. Something about being around Steel made me feel better. I had no idea what he saw in me, or why he wanted to be here, but I was finally starting to appreciate it.

“I won’t pressure you,” he started, “but when you’re ready, I’d like to kiss you.”

I swallowed hard. This guy must have slept with dozens of women in his life, but he’s waiting, just waiting to kiss me. It felt so weird, yet insanely flattering. He reminded me of the type of guy who was in control and took what he wanted, but in this instance, he was waiting, asking my permission, and letting me know I was safe. I wanted to fall into his arms, tell him I’d get over myself and kiss him here, now, but I couldn’t.

I was afraid if I kissed him one, just once, I wouldn’t stop myself, and I wasn’t ready for more.

Steel
walked me upstairs, seeing me in. He didn’t push for more, but as he headed down the stairs and out to his car, I was still breathing in his scent, his warmth, and kicking myself for not reaching out and kissing him. I wanted to feel his arms around me, letting him wrap me in his strength and comfort me, take care of me, and make all my pain go away.

I didn’t mean to come off cold
; I couldn’t help it. It’s all I’d known this past year – this wall of armor, and yet he’d put a chink in it. I wanted to remove it, shed all of it, and be free once again – but I knew it would take time. I couldn’t rush this, and now he knew why.