Touch Me Gently (7 page)

“I’ve never seen anywhere more beautiful,” Kaden replied with wonder, his fingers itching to write as he looked at the white mist that clung to the tip of the mountains. He wished he had brought his notebook along. Tilting his head back slightly and to the right, he looked up at Logan, who stood gazing out over the land with a content look on his face. “You really love it here, don’t you?” he queried.

“Yes. Very much.” The cowboy tipped his head slightly to look down at Kaden. “Ready to start your swimming lessons?”

Reluctantly, Kaden nodded and followed the bigger man toward the water, stopping to toe off his sneakers and take off his pants. As he stood there in shorts, bare feet, and the T-shirt, he turned and practically stopped breathing. Logan had stripped down to nothing but his shorts, and his very tan, muscular chest gleamed in the sunlight, rippling with his movements. Kaden swallowed hard as his mouth went dry from the sudden lust invading his body. He didn’t notice Shea’s speculative gaze on him as he watched Logan. Shaking his head, he looked down at the ground and started with surprise when Logan’s deep, honeyed voice washed over him. “Aren’t you going to take off your shirt?”

“N… no. I, uh… burn easily,” Kaden lied baldly, not wanting them to see the shamefulness of his body.

“Oh… okay. Well, why don’t you come into the water until it’s about waist high, all right?” Logan moved toward the water, stepping into the dark liquid. He kept walking, sighing with pleasure as the cool water hit his heated skin. Soon he was in the water chest high and turned to see Kaden still standing hesitantly on the bank. “Come on,” he called.

Shea swam in the water, keeping her eye on Kaden as she went in circles around her brother. She sensed a certain tension, almost chemistry-like, between her brother and Kaden. Was it possible that Kaden had a crush on her brother? The boy was afraid of men, so it wouldn’t make sense. Would it? She watched him stepping slowly into the pond, his eyes locked on the surface as he continued to move forward until the water had reached his waist, and he refused to go any further. She swam toward him and stopped beside him. “Keep going. I’m right here. Hold onto my arm.” She urged him deeper into the water.

Logan stayed where he was, watching Kaden and Shea moving closer to where he stood. Once they were by Logan’s side, Shea let go of Kaden because he was still able to stand, and started to demonstrate how to move his arms and kick his legs. Eventually, Kaden was able to keep himself afloat and began to enjoy himself. The siblings watched with amusement and heady warmth flooded them as they watched his expression of pure joy and pride. Kaden acted like a little kid on Christmas morning, and yet it was something so simple to accomplish. It brought a humble feeling upon their shoulders about how good their lives had been and how much they truly had been blessed.

Kaden waded back to the shallows and watched Logan and Shea splashing and dunking one another. He watched the love and affection they had for one another and felt envious of it. Shame followed quickly on its heels. Being envious because they were happy wasn’t fair to them. They deserved to be happy. With a sigh, he turned and walked out of the water to collapse on the blanket Logan had spread out. He lay on his back staring up at the wisps of clouds strolling across the sky and became lost in his thoughts. Slowly his eyelids began to droop and his breathing evened out. Within moments he fell asleep, unconsciously turning on his side.

Shea and Logan gave up the fight over who could dunk who more times and decided to get out and eat lunch. They smiled at each other when they saw that Kaden had fallen asleep. Both of them collapsed onto the blanket next to Kaden. Logan’s eyes traced the length of the boy’s body, studying the thin but muscular legs and the slender back. That’s when he noticed Kaden’s feet. The soles of his feet were covered in round scars that looked like burn marks. His eyes widened, and his breath caught at the realization of what could have caused them. His own father used to smoke cigars. Logan’s jaw clenched, and his lips tightened in anger. If he ever got his hands on the son of a bitch who’d hurt such a gentle person, he’d rip them into shreds and bury them somewhere out in the mountains where no one could ever find them. Kaden shifted in his sleep and rolled to his back, one hand resting on his stomach and the other flinging out to land close to Logan.

The cowboy’s eyes narrowed in on the leather wristband and saw how it dug into his wrist. An irritated red patch was showing around the edges. In an effort to make the boy more comfortable, he carefully and slowly unsnapped and pulled it off, staring in horror at the marks that lay beneath. Shea let out a soft gasp of shock and lifted a hand to her mouth. “Logan,” she whispered in alarm.

He gave her a look to silence her and carefully replaced the wristband, wondering what the hell was going on with Kaden. There were old scars and marks that looked fresh, as though done only recently. His hands balled into fists, anger coursing through his veins. Did someone make those marks on him? Did he do it himself? How did they get there? Dammit. He felt so helpless, like he couldn’t do anything for the younger man. When they returned to the house, he would have to talk to Kaden. Someone had to stop him before he seriously hurt himself.

Pulling the picnic basket closer, Logan began to take everything out before gently shaking Kaden by the shoulder. “Kaden. Time to eat. Wake up.”

A voice called to him in the darkness, and Kaden opened his eyes slowly to find Logan partially leaning over him. Fear flashed through him for a second, but then it dissipated. He stared up at Logan, blinking several times to clear the sleep from his eyes. “It’s time to eat, Kaden,” Logan repeated, taking his hand away and leaning back again.

Kaden’s brow furrowed. Something was wrong. An odd look glittered in Logan’s eyes and a tenseness in his body, as if he were angry about something. Sitting up, he glanced over at Shea and saw that she looked pale and upset. “Is something wrong?” he asked in concern.

“No. Everything’s fine. Do you want soda or iced tea?” Logan responded in a flat tone.

Logan’s face was tense, and Kaden knew he wasn’t telling him the truth. Had he spoken in his sleep and said something? Were they mad that he didn’t join in on the dunking games or because he’d fallen asleep? With a sigh, he took the sandwich from Logan and pointed at a soda, moving back to lean against the tree behind him. He stared off into the distance at the mountains as he nibbled at the sandwich, his appetite gone and his stomach twisting painfully. Maybe Logan had grown tired of his problems. Was he going to kick him out and send him home? He finally gave up the pretense of eating and dropped the sandwich back into its wrapping before closing it up and placing it beside him. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No. Why do you think that?” The cowboy’s voice was stiff and emotionless.

“Because you’re angry, and Shea’s upset. Obviously something’s not right, and you don’t want to talk about it at the moment. That’s fine. But tell me now, are you going to fire me and send me back to New York?” Kaden asked bluntly, tiredly, his eyes dull as they locked with Logan’s.

“No!” Both of them exclaimed at once. “We’re just concerned about you,” Logan continued cautiously. “Where did those marks on your wrist come from?”

Kaden stiffened, and his eyes opened wide as he realized that Logan had seen the cuts on his wrist. He brought his arm with the wristband close to his chest and looked away from the siblings. They had discovered the one thing he was most ashamed of. “How did you know?” he murmured.

“I took off the armband when I saw that it was irritating your arm. I put it back on because I didn’t intend to talk to you about it out here. But I don’t want you to think that I’m going to send you away. I’m just worried and so is Shea,” Logan explained gently, his gaze sad and concerned. “Why do you have those marks on your arm?”

Picking at the hem of his T-shirt, Kaden didn’t respond right away, but when he did both Shea and Logan felt as though the wind had been knocked out of them. “It’s the only way that the pain goes away. When I have a panic attack, it’s a reflex reaction to that pain. I… cut or scratch myself.”

“Oh, Kaden,” Shea breathed, moving to his side to hug him tightly. She stroked his hair back from his face tenderly and held him tighter. “You have to stop. You could seriously hurt yourself one day. Please, for me, promise you’ll try to stop. If you feel the urge, come talk to me or Logan. We’ll help you through it, Kaden. But please don’t hurt yourself anymore.” She was practically begging by the end of her statement, and Kaden buried his face in her shoulder, embarrassed at his actions.

A strong hand came to rest gently on his other shoulder, and then Logan’s voice came from close by. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Kaden. We all look for outlets in our lives when something upsets us or makes us feel pain. But that’s not a healthy outlet. If you need something, I can show you a few judo moves that can help release your frustration or pain. We can set up an area where you can beat the hell out of a stuffed dummy or something, anything else but this.” His hands traveled down Kaden’s arm to his wrist, touching the skin just above the armband lightly.

Kaden shivered at the heat that traversed his arm along with the skin of that rough hand. “I’m sorry,” he choked, squeezing his eyes shut tightly.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Shea said fiercely, pulling back to look him in the face. “I know that you aren’t ready to talk to us about anything that has happened to you, and I understand that, but I think if you do it might help the pain fade away. Even though you’ve only been here a few days, I already feel like we’ve known you our entire lives, and we really care about you. Even if you never talk to us about it, please stop hurting yourself. Promise me,” she demanded.

The trembling boy studied his legs for a moment, wondering if he would have the strength to keep the promise. But he slowly nodded, still not meeting their eyes for fear of seeing rejection or pity. He couldn’t take it if they felt pity for him. “I’ll try.” He saw the look that Shea gave him. “It’s the best I can do. It’s… a knee-jerk reaction, Shea. I can’t always control it.”

Logan had mostly been silent while Shea talked, but this time he spoke up. “Please try. For us.”

Kaden nodded again and smiled tremulously at Logan. “I will.”

The siblings seemed to almost wilt with relief, and they started to joke around, including Kaden in it as well, as they finished their lunch. Finally, they headed back to the ranch. Shea instructed him to change his clothes and be back at the barn in twenty minutes or she’d come after him. Kaden laughed at her words, knowing that she didn’t have the strength to force him. As the foreign sound issued from Kaden’s throat, he was turning and moving toward the house, unaware of the green eyes studying him or the way the sound of his laughter affected the owner of those eyes.

When
Kaden had finished changing, he went back outside to meet Shea. As he approached, he saw her leading a saddled horse out of the barn. A slightly smaller horse than Mantacor, she had a beautiful copper-red coat, almost like flames. A dark brown mane and tail shifted as she walked. Shea smiled at Kaden and motioned him forward to where she and the horse stood. He approached cautiously, keeping his eyes on the horse. “This is Brandy. She’s two years old and very gentle and easy to learn with. Come closer and hold out your hand for her to smell you. It’s how they get to know you.”

Kaden reluctantly lifted his hand, extending it out to the horse palm up. The horse settled her nose against his palm, and he could feel the whiskers around her nose tickling his palm. His lips curved into a smile, and his eyes started to twinkle with laughter and delight. “She’s very beautiful.”

“Now, you should only mount a horse from the left side. Take the reins in your left hand.” Shea handed him the reins, and he placed them in his left hand, nervously shifting his feet as she positioned him beside the horse. “Good. Now place your left hand, holding the reins, on the saddle, or you can also hold the mane. There are no nerve endings connected to the mane, so you don’t have to worry about hurting her.”

He did as she indicated and waited for further instructions. “Okay, now place your right hand on the rear of the saddle. Just like that. Good. Place your left foot in the stirrup. Now bounce three times, and then pull yourself up, swinging your leg over the saddle as you do so.”

Kaden almost dropped the reins and had to attempt this several times as he tried to follow her instructions. Finally in the saddle, he panted from the exertion of attempting to mount the horse. He gripped the saddle and reins tightly, realizing how far off the ground he actually sat. It looked like a long way down. The horse shifted, and he let out a squeak, suddenly gripping the horse’s mane tightly. Shea laughed, her eyes crinkling at the corners and a dimple appearing in the corner of her mouth. “Relax, Kaden. The horse can sense if you’re nervous, and it will make her nervous.”

Forcing himself to relax, he slowly eased his grip on the mane and watched as Shea went around to the other side of the horse to make sure his foot was in the stirrup. He’d instinctively slid his foot in upon mounting. She adjusted the length to his leg, making sure it rested lightly against the horse’s side. “Now I’m going to lead you into the corral over there and we’re just going to do a steady walk. Okay, Kaden?”

When Shea started walking the horse, Kaden’s legs tightened, and he tensed. The movements of the horse frightened him, and the thought of falling off came to the front of his mind. “Loosen your legs before you cut off her air supply,” he heard that deep voice call from nearby. Kaden brought his head up to find Logan sitting on the fence, his hands on the board beside him and his legs resting on the next one down.

Logan’s eyes were hooded with some kind of emotion that Kaden couldn’t identify, and he looked away uneasily. He tried to instead concentrate on the animal beneath him and Shea’s instructions. She walked with them around the corral several times, letting them get used to the rhythm of each other. When she felt that they had a good rapport, she stopped near Logan.

“Okay, now I’m going to give you the opportunity to walk her on your own. Just squeeze her sides lightly with your legs and gently rock your hips forward. That will get her going in a walk. Don’t try anything else right away. You have to get used to the effect of riding a horse and the motions.”

Kaden nodded, doing as she indicated, and when the horse started walking, he looked nervously at Shea, but she only smiled encouragingly. As the horse walked around the corral with just him, he kept glancing at Shea and Logan, finding them talking about something serious. He wondered if it pertained to him, and he frowned, looking down at where his hands held the reins. It didn’t mean they were talking about him. He decided to just ignore it and enjoy his time here as much as he could. With a resolved frame of mind, he looked up, smiling as the horse neared Logan and Shea.

“When you want the horse to stop, pull back gently on the reins. But don’t forget those are attached to the horse’s mouth and could hurt the horse if you pull too hard,” Shea explained as he drew close to them.

Doing as instructed, he pulled lightly on the reins, and the horse stopped, shifting from foot to foot beneath him. “Now how do I get down?” he asked.

“Just swing your right leg over the back of the horse and drop down with that leg before removing your left foot from the stirrup,” Logan said, intercepting Shea’s response. He watched the way the slight muscles on Kaden’s frame rippled as he dismounted easily with the strength in his legs. “You did good, kid.”

Kaden almost preened under his compliments, grinning broadly. In less than a week, the haunted look in his eyes had begun to fade, and Logan felt an immense sense of relief and happiness that he could help the teenager heal. He didn’t analyze or examine the other feelings that were building inside him. The boy was only here for three months, then he’d go back to New York, and Logan wouldn’t have to worry about these feelings Kaden was stirring up. But the thought of Kaden going back to New York made his heart twinge and his stomach clench. Suddenly angry with himself, Logan jumped down off the fence with a gruff, “I’ve got some bookkeeping to take care of. I’ll see you guys at dinner.” He turned on his heel and left.

“Did I do something wrong?” Kaden muttered, looking down at the ground.

“No. You didn’t do anything wrong. He’s just tired, is all. He gets like that when he’s tired,” Shea lied, looking after her brother with a harsh glare. Why did he insist on ignoring his own emotions? And now he’d upset Kaden. “Come on. Let me show you how to groom her and unsaddle her. The next lesson, I’ll show you how to saddle her, okay? That way you can do it for yourself.”

They unsaddled and brushed Brandy down, making sure she was clean and happy before leading her into the stall. The sun hung low in the sky, right above the edge of the mountains, when they headed back to the house. For the first time since he’d been a child, Kaden felt safe. Love and tenderness didn’t exist in Kaden’s barren life. He’d lost hope in ever having them again because of the many harsh realities he’d been forced to confront at an early age. His faith in a lot of things had died the same day they’d laid his mother in the ground, including his belief in God. What kind of cruel God would allow his life to continue the way it did? The need to be alone for a while came over him, and he made an excuse to Shea before going into his bedroom and shutting the door.

Grabbing his notebook, he lay down on his stomach on the bed and began to write—about the mountains and the big open sky from that morning, about the horseback-riding lesson, and the big man who seemed to never be far from his mind but would never understand. The lyrics just flowed from his fingers, and by the time he looked up, the clock read seven thirty, and the sky had darkened. He placed his pen in the book and closed the cover, standing and stretching with a soft moan. His back ached from the long time spent in one position. He decided to go make something for dinner for everyone and went into the kitchen to find Shea already cooking. Stopping in surprise, he watched her for a moment. She was making simple boxed macaroni and cheese, so she should be all right with that. He figured, anyway.

The water started boiling, and because she was too busy digging through the fridge, it foamed up and began to spill over. Kaden rushed over to the stove and turned the temperature down, ensuring that the water level dropped before moving away again. “I’m sorry. I should have been out here to do this,” he told Shea, moving to take over, but she refused to let him do it and forced him to go sit down.

“I’m fine. I just didn’t notice that the water was already boiling. Like Logan said, everyone needs a day off.” She dumped in the elbow macaroni and stirred it to make sure it didn’t stick to the bottom of the pan.

Kaden wondered if Logan was still in his study and rested his chin in his hand as he watched Shea darting around the kitchen. He’d seemed so agitated earlier. What had happened to upset him? It seemed like he had gotten angry. The thought pained him, and he nibbled at his bottom lip in concern. Without realizing it, he let out a sigh and then jumped in alarm when he heard that honeyed voice he’d already begun to crave. “Why the big sigh?”

Turning his head, he saw Logan leaning against the doorjamb, his arms crossed against his chest and a tired look to his face. “Nothing. Just thinking is all.”

Logan nodded briefly and moved toward Shea to help her by setting out plates and glasses for drinks. He kept glancing at Kaden, watching him carefully to see if he would reveal any of his inner thoughts on his face. The boy was good at hiding his emotions for the most part, except for when it came to fear. Fear seemed to be ingrained in the teenager, and he was glad that he hadn’t seen that emotion from Kaden at all that day.

The three of them sat down to eat. Most of the meal went by silently with a few words injected here and there. Unable to take the silence anymore, Shea let out a sound of frustration before dumping her plate in the sink and leaving. Logan watched her go with an uncaring expression before turning back to look at Kaden. “So you’ve been here almost a week now. How do you like it?”

Looking up from his bowl, Kaden smiled softly. “I think this is the best place I’ve ever been. It’s beautiful, quiet, and you and Shea are the kindest people I’ve ever met. When I leave in a few months, I’m going to miss you guys.” With that he stood up, walked over to the sink, and placed his bowl in before starting the water.

Something akin to dismay prodded at Logan, telling him to tell Kaden he didn’t have to leave. Before he could make a fool of himself, Logan stood and moved over to Kaden’s side to drop his plate in the sink. He noticed that Kaden didn’t jump this time, and grinned like an idiot on the way out of the kitchen.

Kaden finished up the dishes before going to bed. He’d started sleeping more now, every night for at least a few hours even if not the whole night. He hadn’t been lying to Logan when he said he would miss him, his sister, and the ranch. It was a beautiful place to live, and he could only dream of staying here. His mind knew that it wasn’t right, what his heart longed for. To keep from having his heart broken yet again he would have to distance himself, but it might already be too late. He put away the few dishes and snapped off the light, walking to his bedroom. Something told him this would be another restless night.

A couple of weeks went by with the same routine. Kaden, of course, making the meals during the six days the men were out on the ranch, and also Shea kept giving him his riding lessons. He still went out to see Mantacor in the mornings after the men left. The horse had really started to trust him, and he was trying to keep it from being obvious whenever Shea or Logan happened to be around. The horse would stand at the fence and call for him, nickering quietly and pacing back and forth, watching him. It made him feel guilty that he couldn’t say hello or go over and rub his nose. But he knew Logan would be really upset with him.

To his distress, Logan found out. It was about a month into his reign as cook on the ranch, and he went out right after the men left, practically racing to the fence where the horse stood waiting for him. “Hey there, Mantacor,” he crooned softly, laughing quietly as the horse lapped up the sugar cubes in his palm. He patted the side of his neck and laughed louder as the horse nuzzled at his neck.