Torn (Devils Wolves Book 1) (30 page)

That's true. Tessie has always been stuck in her own head and a bit on the unsocial side.

"I've run a million different imaginary conversations with him in my head. And I can't see any of them coming out okay. I can't see him accepting her with me. He'll think I betrayed him and took advantage of her. He'll think I'm a child molester. He'll fucking hate me."

"He knows you, Tor. He knows you're not the kind of guy to do something like that. You've taken care of her for her entire life. He knows how much you love her."

"See
that's
what I'm worried about. What you just said. You don't think it's sick that I can feel this way for her when I took care of her when she was a baby? What does that say about me?"

"I don't think it’s that black and white; you're not related to her. Even though you babysat her, and she called you uncle, you were still
just a friend
, Tor. That's what you have to focus on. You're a friend who helped your friends take care of their kid because they were only fifteen years old when they had her. You were just a kid yourself. You pretty much grew up with her. None of this is a normal situation, so how could there have been a normal result?"

I lean my elbows on the table and put my pounding head in my hands. "I don't know. I just want us to be able to be together and be happy, but I feel like people will crucify me."

"Stop beating yourself up, Toren. You haven't done anything wrong. You fell in love. Look at the world we live in. Falling in love with your best friend’s daughter who's fifteen years younger than you is nothing in the grand scheme of things, trust me. She's a legal adult now and she can make her own decisions. 'Nuff said."

"We're afraid of throwing Asher over the edge. He's all fucked up over Ember still. I don't think he can take another blow."

"I understand that, and it’s great that you both care about him, but you and Kenzi deserve to have your happiness. The world didn't stop just because of what happened to his wife. I know it sucks and it's devastating and heartbreaking and I hate to be harsh, but that’s the facts, Tor. You can't tip toe around him forever."

She stands, comes around the table, and puts her arms around me. "You're a good guy. You took care of all of us when Daddy died, and you took care of Kenzi and Asher when they needed you. You deserve to be happy. And if Asher can't see that you're the best guy in the world for his daughter? Then he's insane. No one will love her like you do."

"Thanks, kiddo," I squeeze her arm. "I just have to get my head straight."

"You will." She lets me go and crosses her arms to study me. "You're just going to have to be patient with her, Tor. As mature as she might be, she's still young, just like me. We want to have fun, be a little stupid sometimes, sow some oats, ya know?"

"I know."

"So if she acts crazy sometimes, you're going to have to let her. Have fun with her, don't be too serious. You're the boyfriend now, not the uncle. You can't control her and assert authority over her or she'll resent you."

I hadn't really thought about all that yet. I wonder if when Kenzi turns twenty-one if she'll be one of those girls that wants to go to clubs and stay out all night partying. I already went through that. I can't picture her doing that based on how she is now, but Tesla's right—who knows what the future will bring?

"Great."

"Tor..." she warns. "Just take it one day at a time."

I nod at her, still feeling overwhelmed. "I'll try."

"And smile." She adds.

"I'm smiling on the inside." I tease, grinning.

"Not good enough."

"I'll work on it." My cell phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out to see a text from Kenzi on my screen.

Kenzi: I got maybe two seconds of sleep last night. I can't stop thinking about you.

"
S
ee
? Now that's a smile," Tesla says, eyeing me. "Lemme guess. A text from Kenzi?"

"Yeah."

Me: I know the feeling. ;) Get some sleep, Angel. I'm going to see you soon. At Tesla's now then going to the shop. I'll call you when I get there. I love you.

K
enzi
: Tell her I said hi. I love you, too. Sooooo much.

"
O
kay
, Tor. I said smile, not look like the joker." My sister teases.

I put my phone away and grin at her. "This is what she does to me. She says hi, by the way."

"Tell her I said hi back when you talk to her."

"I will. I should get going, I'm supposed to be at work." I stand and push my chair under the table. "Thanks for the talk, Tess."

"I'm glad you came to me. I love you a lot, ya know."

"I love you, too."

"You and Kenzi can come here together anytime. I won't tell anyone. If you just want to hang out with another person someplace safe... you're both welcome here. Or if she needs someone to talk to, she can come to me. I haven't talked to her in a while, but I still think of her as a friend."

"Thanks. That might be good for her. Her friend Chloe is kind of spastic so neither one of us really trust her to not accidentally slip up if she knew." She walks with me to her door. "And don't leave that much cash laying around in the open anymore." I advise, still worried about that pile of money she's got. I've seen people get stabbed for less money than that.

"Don't worry, I'm taking it to the bank later."

"Good. I'll talk to you soon."

K
enzi loves
the park. sometimes on the weekends when Ash and Ember want to get some alone time, I grab one of the dogs from my mom’s shelter and I take them both to the park to get some air and exercise.

The autumn air is crisp as we walk through the park, and Kenzi and the dog are both enjoying kicking up the leaves and hearing them crunch under their feet. A pretty girl around my age with short blonde hair is walking towards us with a small dog along the path that winds around the lake. As we approach each other, her dog starts to get all excited and runs to us, dragging the girl with her on a long leash.

Laughing, I kneel down to pet the tan wiggling dog.

"I'm sorry," she says breathlessly. "She gets excited to see people and other dogs."

"That's okay, at least she's friendly."

"Your dog is much calmer. I think mine might need to go back to puppy class."

"He's not mine. He's a rescue from the shelter, and he's about ten years old. I volunteer there so I take one out every weekend to get some exercise."

She smiles at me. "That's really sweet of you to do. I just moved nearby, so I'll be here a lot on the weekends, too. Maybe I'll see you again sometime."

Kenzi giggles as the little dog moves to her next and starts licking her face.

"She's adorable," the blonde girl says. "Is she yours?"

Standing, I take Kenzi's hand. "Yeah, she is."

* * *

I
've lost
five pounds since Friday. Today is Monday. I don't weigh myself often, but Friday morning the digital scale in my bathroom was beeping, so I weighed myself just to make sure it was working after I put new batteries in it. And this morning I stepped on it again because I haven't been able to eat and was just curious. I wasn't expecting to see five pounds gone.

Ever since Tor and I slept together, I've been frazzled. Almost manic. My stomach feels like I'm stuck in an elevator that keeps going up and down randomly throughout the day and night. My heart suddenly palpitates and a wave of dizziness follows. Yesterday I sat at my desk to work on a request I received from a local poet who wants all her poems written in calligraphy to be framed for her office, and all I could do was draw pretty, ornate hearts of various sizes. And Tor's name.

Thankfully, the poet isn't in a rush. And thankfully, I have a lot of paper and ink, since I wasted a lot with my daydream-induced swoony scribbling.

Sleeping is now reduced to two hour increments, where I wake with a jolt several times throughout the night, covered in sweat, heart racing, my sex quivering and damp, and I'll reach for my cell phone and re-read all the text messages he's sent me recently.

I am hopelessly in love with Toren Grace.

Now that we've stepped over the line, I'm consumed with thinking about him, and us, and the past, and the present, and the future, and
everything
. So much everything. My emotions go from being excited and happy to nervous and scared with almost no in-between.

He said we should
think
, and that's all I've been doing. Thinking, thinking, and even more thinking. And worrying. What if he decides that this can't happen? That
we
can't happen? What if he decides it's too much stress? Or that I'm just too young? What if he can't face my father with the truth? What if my father has a major melt down?

I realized this morning that I've worried so much about what his decision will be, and the mental torment that he's going through, that I haven't really thought much about myself. This isn't just about Tor dating a younger woman, and him dealing with the possible wrath of his best friend. This is also about me dating a much older man, and causing anguish to my father and to my family.

Can I endure that?

With Tor's love and support...yes. I believe I can.

* * *

B
lue reusable grocery
bags are all over Toren's kitchen, and Kitten has taken up residency in an empty one that has fallen onto the floor. I may have bought too much food. I'm not sure why I feel like baking a yummy apple pie and broiling up a filet mignon for him, but I do. I'm on a mission. Perhaps sex and love changes what you want to give a person. Or at least put in their mouths.

In more ways than one.

I didn't get to see Tor over the weekend because he had to work on Saturday and I promised his mother I'd help at the shelter bathing a few of the dogs. Yesterday he went riding with my father, which is something they do almost every Sunday when my dad is home. I stayed upstairs in my room even though I knew Tor was outside in our garage because I didn't think I could see him without throwing my arms around him or making some kind of lust filled face at him that my father might notice. I watched them ride off together from the window seat in my bedroom, and seeing his long hair flying in the wind behind him and the tautness of the muscles in his arms as he gripped the handlebars brought back the delicious memories of those same arms enveloping me in his bed.

The dog and the kitten follow me around the house as I straighten things up, start his laundry, and run the vacuum over all the carpeted rooms, which will have tufts of white fur scattered about again in less than an hour. All the while my mind bounces like a ping pong ball with questions. Does he want to see me again? Does he regret sleeping with me now that he's had a few days to think about it? Was I painfully awkward and inexperienced?

Just as I'm about to start on the apple pie, my cell phone beeps.

Tor: How's my Angel?

T
hat plunging
elevator feeling overwhelms me once again just reading those three little words, typed by him. To me. And that one tiny word in the middle makes my heart soar like a wild bird.

My.

I'm his.

Me: Missing you xo

Tor: Are you at my house?

Me: Yes.

Tor: I'm on my way there. Taking my lunch break to come kiss you.

Me: OMG Really?! :-)

F
ive minutes
later I hear his bike roaring into the driveway. I wait at the front door for him with a pounding heart, holding myself back from running to him just in case a neighbor might see me. His long jean-clad legs carry him down the walkway quickly and he shuts the door behind him, his eyes locking onto mine with the biggest smile I've ever seen on him as he immediately reaches for me, cupping his hand on the side of my throat and bending down to cover my mouth with his, slow and deep.
Possessive.
I wind my arms around his neck and hang on to him as my legs turn to jelly, threatening to let me melt into a puddle at his feet.

This is the best hello of my life.

His tongue sweeps against mine and a small growl sounds in his throat before he pulls away slightly. "I've been waiting three fuckin' days to kiss you again," he says with a soft, raspy voice. "I couldn't stand it for another minute." He rubs his thumb along my jawline and kisses me again, gently sucking my lower lip into his mouth.

"Ditto." I say when we part for air again. "I thought you wanted to think..."

"I have been. Nonstop. I've been thinking so much my brain hurts."

Moving my hands up from the back of his neck to cradle his head, I pull him down and plant a kiss on the center of his forehead. "There," I whisper. "I kissed it better for you."

"Yeah," he agrees huskily. "You did." His lips meet mine again and his hand grips my waist, pulling me closer to him. "You make everything better."

I swallow the lump of happy emotion in my throat as he takes my hand and leads me to the kitchen, where he inspects all the baking ingredients and supplies I've got laid out on the counter with keen interest.

"You're making me something special, aren't you?" He finally asks with a crooked grin.

I nod excitedly. "Yes. Filet mignon for dinner with mashed potatoes and sautéed fresh green beans...and I'm making you an apple pie."

His eyes go wide. "You're spoiling me. Please tell me you're staying for dinner. I'm not eating all that without you."

"If you want me to."

"Of course I want you to. I want to see you as much as I can."

I play nervously with the small canister of cinnamon on the counter, wondering if he'll make love to me again or if we'll just eat together and then I'll leave. The truth is I want to be in his bed again, with him on top of me all hard and sexy with our bodies connected while he whispers words that people don't say aloud. Words I can't wait to hear him say again.

"Then I'll still be here when you get home." I reply, turning back to him.

His eyes stay on mine for a few moments, his gaze filled with a longing that makes a warm tingle flow down my spine.

"I wish I didn't have to go back to work." He pulls me against his chest, where I fit perfectly. Different from how I used to, but perfect now. "I'm having a hard time focusing there knowing you're here in my house."

"I'm sorry. I don't want to distract you from your work, Tor."

He lifts my chin up. "Kenzi...it's a good distraction. I usually don't have anything to look forward to at the end of the day other than coming home to these two lazy fur monsters. Knowing you're going to be here, all cute and sexy, with a kick ass dinner and homemade apple pie you made for me is like hitting the lottery."

The sparkle of light in his eyes makes me hug him even tighter. I love hearing the playful, teasing, hopeful tone in his voice. He's got it all wrong, though. I'm the one who hit the lottery.

* * *

L
ater that day
I'm still so jittery and nervous that I'm not even sure I can eat any of the dinner I've made for tonight, no matter how good it smells in the broiler. I only thought of him when I planned it, and had no idea he'd ask me to stay.

Is this a date?

I have no idea, but I definitely want it to be.

He said he's been thinking, but he didn't tell me if he reached any sort of conclusion about what he thinks of us being together and what we do next. As for me, I've been thinking about him and us and still have only come up with one unwavering constant: all I want is for us to be together. Somehow, someway, I want us to be able to be together as a real couple and just be happy. And I want our loved ones to be happy for us.

Diogee and Kitten run to wait by the front door together when they hear Tor's bike pull into the driveway for the second time today, and I get the feeling this is a nightly ritual for them and his earlier mid-afternoon visit was just as much as a surprise to them as it was to me. As I stand next to them and wait for him to come inside, I'm struck by how cute it is that they seem so excited that he's home, but it also makes my heart hurt a little with the realization that Toren's been coming home to a dark, empty house for a very long time, with no one at the door waiting for him.