Torn (Devils Wolves Book 1) (21 page)

I'm lonely.

I want to play.

M
y fingers
fly defiantly over the keyboard, leading me straight into the fire.

Me: Are you kidding? I fucking love them. You look incredible. Are there more?

Kenzi: Yes.

Me: I want to see them. Please.

I
feel
dizzy and intoxicated as more pictures flood my screen. I'm like a rabid junkie getting a fix, and I can't get enough. All the photos are classy and sensual, but capture her perfectly in a way I've been trying to pretend for months that I haven't noticed. She's turned into a drop-dead gorgeous woman with a body that could very well turn me into an animal and make me beg for just five minutes with her.

Me: How did your hair grow so fast?

Kenzi: It's extensions. They clip on.

Me: Oh. The way it hides you but gives just enough of a peek is driving me crazy. It's the perfect tease.

Kenzi: I could grow my hair that long if you want.

Me: No. I like you exactly as you are. Don't ever change for anyone. Not even me.

Kenzi: You really like them? I've never posed like this before. Do I look awkward?

Me: Hell no. I love them. I can't stop looking at them. It's killing me they're so tiny on my screen.

Kenzi: I was really hoping you would like them. I was nervous.

Me: Don't be. Did you send these to Sailor?

I
'll go
into an all-out rage if she says yes. I'll hunt that fucker down and smash his phone and beat him until any memory of seeing her like this is gone from his brain. I can't stand sharing women anymore and there is no way in hell I could ever share her.

K
enzi
: God no. I would never do that. He's just a friend. Some of these are for my portfolio and the others are just for me to have.

I
lick
my lips and adjust my throbbing cock under the sheets. I swear I want to paw at my phone screen right now just to have any piece of her I can get. This is sheer torture.

M
e
: Why did you send these, Kenz? What are you trying to do to me?

Kenzi: I want you to see ME. I want you to want me like I want you

T
he air leaves my lungs
. Is she trying to kill me? Does she have any idea what she's saying? And the effect it's having on my thumping heart and other southern regions of my anatomy?

M
e
: Make no mistake, Angel. I want you. Bad.

F
uck
. I've completely lost my mind. We should stop this before it goes too far into places we have no right to be in and will never be able to back ourselves out of without some major damage.

But it feels so good.

K
enzi
: I want to see you. Send me a picture of you.

Me: No. I don't do selfies.

Kenzi: Please? I love all your muscles and your tattoos. I won't show anyone. It's only for me to look at when I'm alone.

M
y heart feels
like it's going into cardiac arrest, pounding in my chest so hard I can hear it and my head is thundering with the aftershock of her words. She wants me. She wants me to want her.

U
gh
. It's all so fucking wrong. Taboo at its finest.

T
he devil plants
his ass on my shoulder. It's just playful texting, though, right? I'm not touching her. She's hours and miles away from me. It's late and dark. We're sleepy. It's safe.

B
efore I can change
my mind, I turn on my bedside lamp, push the covers down low around my hips and snap a picture, cropping it just a few inches below my naval to make sure my hard-on isn't visible. She'll like this one because it shows my hair all messy around my shoulders which I always catch her eying, plus my chest, abs, and all the ink that comes with it. I always assumed she was too young to appreciate all the work I put into my body but apparently she's not. I hit send on my phone and wait.

K
enzi
: Ohmy. wow. Thank you xoxox

Me: You like?

Kenzi: I love it. Your muscles are just wow. Thank you for including your hair for me. :-) And that ab V or whatever it's called...omg. **Faints**

T
here's
a big goofy smile on my face that I'm not used to. I've never had this cute flirting stuff with anyone before. She's kidnapping me into her world, and I'm slowly surrendering, a willing hostage.

K
enzi
: I have a few more of me…

F
ive more photos come through
, and while these are thankfully less sexy, they are just as beautiful with her wearing a mint green sundress that brings out her eyes. She's sitting on a wicker swing I recognize as being on Katherine's front porch. She's more natural in these photos, with no hair clip things and less makeup, but she looks breathtaking, older, and elegant. The last picture, however, instantly becomes my favorite. It's a moody setting, grainy black and white, taken in her bedroom at the Inn. She's standing at the window with her back to the camera, completely nude with the thin gauzy curtain blowing behind her like a veil. Her perfect round ass and the swell of her breast is visible through the curtain as the light coming from the window gives her a beautiful silhouette, accentuating all her curves. She's looking off to the side, her mouth slightly parted, her long ebony eyelashes laying against her cheek. It's hands-down the most sensual photo I've ever seen. I want to print it, frame it, and hang it over my bed where it can be the first thing I see every morning. My finger slides across the screen, along the curve of her waist. Wishing. Wanting.

M
e
: That last one, Angel. It fucking ended me.

Kenzi: I like that one, too. I can't believe that’s me.

M
e either
.

M
e
: I'm speechless. I think I'm going to need a cold shower.

Kenzi: LOL

Me: I'm dead fucking serious. The things I would do to you. You gotta stop.

Kenzi: Tell me.

Me: No.

Kenzi: Tor. Don't close up. I like you this way. Just let us have this for tonight. It's just fun fantasy. Make it my birthday present.

Me: I already have a present for you.

Kenzi: Then let me have two :-)

M
y chest tightens
. I want to give her everything. I want to
be
her everything.

I
type something
quick and generic but then delete it, because it's cheap and lame and she deserves better. There was a time when I penned lyrics that screamed of heartache, desire, and undying love. One thing I know I can do is make love to her with words.

M
e
: I would have loved to come up behind you in that last picture, pull your hair to the side, whisper in your ear, and ravish your neck with my mouth until you fall back against me. I'd slowly run my hands up your body and caress those perfect tits of yours until you were begging me for more.

M
y breathing speeds
up as I type to her. This is like crazy fucking foreplay, and I'm hard as a rock for her. My phone is silent, but I can feel her waiting for more. Even miles away, our connection resonates between us.

I
'm going
to burn in hell.

M
e
: I'd bend you over that window sill, spread your thighs, and slide deep into you. I'd want to hear you gasp and feel your body all tight and wet around me. I'd tilt your head back and kiss you until you're delirious and can't breathe without me. I'd carry you to the bed and make love to you until you fall asleep in my arms and I'd count the minutes until I could be inside you again. I don't think I could ever get enough of you, and I'm afraid I'd love you and fuck you to the point of mental and physical exhaustion. And then I'd do it all over again until neither one of us can even consider the idea of ever not touching again.

S
ilence
. Minutes of it.

Maybe I scared her away. Maybe she thinks I'm a pig.

I
am
a pig.

K
enzi
: Toren. Do you mean all that?

I
love
when she says my name. And types it. And now I want to hear it on her lips when I'm buried inside her.

Me: Have I ever lied to you?

Kenzi: No.

Me: Sorry you asked now?

M
ore long moments
of silence torture me as I stare at the ceiling with the biggest hard-on of my life, cursing myself while I wait for the coveted sound of her text. Just hearing that small musical chime lately turns me all inside out.

Kenzi: Not at all. That was the best present ever. I'm actually shaking.

S
he's ruining me
. I want to run my fingers over her warm quivering flesh and feel what I'm doing to her. I want it so bad I'm on the verge of jumping on my bike and riding three hours in the middle of the night just so I can do exactly that.

B
ut I can't
. Because the truth is cruel; she's still her and I'm still me, and we were never meant to be this way with each other.

Me: Ok we have to stop now. Game over.

Kenzi: :(

Me: We both know this is wrong.

Kenzi: I wish it wasn't. :(

Me: Me too, Angel. But we should go now. I have to get up early and I'm going to have a hard time falling asleep after this.

Kenzi: I will, too.

Me: Thank you for sharing your photos with me. You're beautiful. In every way.

Kenzi: Thank you for sending me yours. :-) Don't take this wrong, but you're beautiful, too. Like a dream.

Me: We'll talk again soon. I love you.

Kenzi: I love you, too. Xo

I
'm pretty
sure there's now a seat in hell with my name engraved on it. Sleep is impossible for me when mere inches away from my pillow is a four inch device that holds all my deepest desires, fantasies, and sins. It's way too tempting. I've tried to be strong. I've tried to keep her away and yet still hold onto our special bond, but it's all crumbling around me.

Exiling her from my life isn't an option. Not talking to her? Not seeing her? Giving up our little us-isms? No fucking way. It would be like cutting off one of my own limbs.

I
n the discrete
darkness of my bedroom, I transfer her photos to my laptop where I can analyze every detail of her forbidden curves. Every little birthmark. Some I've actually kissed, at a time when it was simply cute and innocent between us. The playful lift of her smile and her enticing mossy-green eyes seduce me from the fifteen-inch screen. She's given me the gift of being able to ravish her with my eyes here in the privacy of my house and the chance to play out my fantasies with the help of my right hand.

H
ello
, Satan. I know you've been waiting patiently for me since the demise of the good and noble Uncle Tor. I have a feeling I'll be staying here a while.

B
eing shy sucks
. It took me weeks of smiling at the new girl in our class, Ember, to work up the balls to ask her if I could walk her home after school. She's shy too, though, and now we're walking in awkward silence. I want to hold her hand, but I can't tell if she wants me to. I've got my guitar with me, slung over my back in its case since I'm playing in a school project, so I ask her if she wants to stop at the park and listen to me play. I lose myself in the music when I play, and it always calms me down, stripping me of my insecurities. One thing I know I do well is create music and write lyrics.

"Sure," she says. "I do some singing. I'm not great, but I love to do it anyway. If it makes your ears hurt, I promise I'll stop."

It turns out she does, in fact, have an amazing voice, and my shyness starts to fade as we sit at a picnic table and I play some of her favorite hit songs and she sings along. I try not to stare at her, but it's hard not to. She's one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen, and the fact that we both have a passion for music is a surprise bonus I wasn't expecting.

"I thought I heard you twanging over here, man." Asher's raspy voice breaks into my daydream of asking Ember out to a movie this weekend.

"Hey," I say as he approaches us. "Do you know Ember? She just moved here last month. Ember, this is Asher Valentine." Asher is way more outgoing than I am, so maybe he can help us break the conversation ice.

"Actually, we haven't met yet," he says, giving her his full attention. "Wow, you've got some gorgeous eyes. Shit. There goes my heart."

"Nice to meet you," she giggles and gives her dazzling smile over to him. "Are you guys brothers?" she asks.

Asher laughs. "Nah. Everyone thinks that, but we're just friends."

"You guys look a lot alike. I actually thought you were the same person when I first saw you in the halls. It took me a few days to realize you weren't."

"It's definitely not on purpose," I say. "Just a weird coincidence. Ash has a younger brother that looks like him, too. And I guess, a lot like me."

Asher flashes a grin. "God thought I was so perfect he wanted to make some backups of me," he winks at Ember. "Just in case."

She giggles again, and I can feel myself slipping into the background. "You're that perfect?" She asks.

"Yup."

Her head tilts and she can't seem to take her eyes off him, and he's staring right back at her like I wish I had the courage to before he showed up. Suddenly, it's like I'm not even here, and my daydreams wither away.

Defeated, I put my guitar back in its case and snap it shut. "I should get going."

"Oh..." Ember says, looking from me to Asher, like she's torn between us.

"I'm going to hang out here for a while and then go over to the diner for a burger," Asher says, still holding her attention. "You want to stay and talk for a while? I'll buy you dinner and walk you home."

"I'd love to," she turns to me. "You don't mind, do you Toren?"

I shake my head and force a smile. "No, not at all."

B
ut the truth is
, I did mind. I minded a lot.

* * *

T
or's texts
have me
aflutter
. That's the only word I can think of to best describe this new feeling. I think my Gram would be impressed with that word. My insides are shaking, rattling and rolling all about, and I can't get my heart to settle back down into normal, calm beats. I've been lying in bed for an hour since we said good night, but I'm too
afluttered
to sleep.

I quietly slip into the hallway and pad down to Aunt Katherine's small kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. It's odd how at home I only drink coffee, but when I'm here I drink all sorts of assorted teas and don't go near coffee at all. I'm not sure why this is fascinating to me at one a.m., but it is. With the steaming ceramic cup in my hand, I go back to my room and close the door behind me with a soft click.

Before I made my tea, I spent a half hour re-reading the entire text conversation. Tor's reactions to my photos and then his detailed description of what he wanted to do to me was definitely a surprising eye-opener.

Tor has an erotic side.

And that just ramped up his yum factor even more.

If his words are true - and I have zero reason to doubt him - he wants to show me that side of him, even though he's struggling with it because of all the alleged wrong's involved.

I stare out the window at the moon and its neighboring stars casting a shimmering reflection on the water, contemplating as I sip my tea. Is it really wrong for us to feel this way? If we care about each other, love each other, and want each other...is that wrong? And if it is, then why? Because of our ages? Because he's my dad's best friend? Because he's taken care of me?

Do those things make it wrong...or do they actually make it more right? Why is it acceptable to get involved with a total stranger, who could do any number of things to hurt you or betray you, but not get involved with someone who has cared about you since the day you were born?

Is it all a matter of social perspective?

Is it possible that falling in love doesn't always start when we think it might, and sometimes, it starts way before we're ready, and grows slowly over time, allowing two people to truly fall in love with every aspect of each other? Rather than the more typical way of meeting a stranger, being attracted to them first, dating them, having feelings for them, and then hoping they'll like you too and not rip your heart out?

I wish I had someone to talk to about all these confusing feelings, but I'm not ready to even attempt to go down that road yet.

G
rabbing my cell phone
, I perch on the edge of my bed and read over the text conversation again, frowning at my own words. My replies to his photo and to his sensual admissions are disappointing. I should have come back with an equally honest admission of what I want and felt. He crept over the wall tonight, took a peek at me, and let me see a peek of him. Maybe it was wrong of me to send him the pictures to lure him out, but I wanted him to see me in a new light. As a new adult. And I was hoping to see more of him.

F
rom the dresser
I pull out the decorated box of note paper and the fountain pen that I brought with me with the intention of mailing Chloe and my Grandmother notes while I was here. Instead, I sit on the floor and hand write a note to Tor. He's the one who introduced me to calligraphy and he's always loved the handwritten notes I've given him. With the evolution of the cell phone, I've used that as my main tool of correspondence with him, but for something special like this, I know he'll appreciate it in my own writing.

D
ear Tor
,

Tonight your words were what I have been hoping to hear. You took my breath away, and gave it back to me again. I have not been able to fathom never touching again since the first time you kissed me, so don't be afraid of loving and fucking (your word) me into exhaustion. I want you to show me what that feels like someday. Just thinking about it is making me breathless all over again.

I want you to be my first. I want you to be my last. I want you to be all the in-betweens. I want you. Just you. Only you.

And I want to be all yours, in every way.

I know you're scared, but I also know how strong you are. We can be scared together, and we can be strong together. Trust that I know what I want. Haven't I always?

I'm here, waiting, anytime you want to climb over the wall again. And if you have to run back to the other side again, that's okay. I'll still be here.

I love you the most,

Kenzi

xo

I
take
a picture of the note with my phone camera and send it to him. Mailing would be much more authentic, but would take too long. I want him to have this when he wakes up.

Five minutes after I get back into bed, a text comes through my phone and I know it has to be from him.

Tor: Why aren't you sleeping?

Me: Why aren't you? ;)

Tor: I've been busy treating myself like a playground since you had to tease me with your pictures.

Me: OMG

Tor: Sorry. I have no filter when I'm exhausted and deprived.

Me: I'm not complaining :)

Tor: You wrote me a letter. I miss seeing your writing.

Me: I'll do it more.

Tor: Only you could make the word fucking look beautiful ;)

Me: LOL thanks

Tor: I don't think I've ever heard you say fuck before.

Me: I didn't say it, I wrote it. And I was quoting you.

Tor: Someday I'm going to get you to say it :)

Me: Someday works for me ;)

Tor: Kenz...I'm too tired to fight my feelings tonight.

Me: Good. I've declared tonight as being all rules off.

Tor: Oh really?

Me: Yes. Tomorrow we can go back to living in denial.

H
e's
quiet for a few moments and I wonder if he fell asleep with the phone in his hand.

Tor: Don't hate me tomorrow when I'm back to normal.

Me: I'll love you more tomorrow.

Tor: You're really killing me tonight. It's not fair.

Me: I like honesty, Tor. If this is the only way you can do that with me, I'll take it.

Tor: This would be easier if you would just push me away, ya know.

Me: Sorry. No can do. :)

Tor: I'm going to type one more thing, then we're going to bed. I can hear birds chirping.

Me: Ok...

Tor: I've always loved how unconditionally you love me

A
h
. The power that words can hold is nothing short of amazing. They can hurt you, and they can heal you. Or, they can completely gut you. And sometimes, like now, they can make everything right in your world.

Me: I always will. Now go to sleep.

Tor: You too, Angel. Maybe if we fall asleep at the same time, we'll see each other in our dreams.

Me: Wow, Tor. I never knew you were a romantic.

Tor: There's a lot about me you don't know ;)

A
fter eighteen years
, I seriously thought I knew everything about Tor. But cracks spidered through the wall between us and glimpses of him have seeped out through his words. He's sensual. He's lonely. He's possessive. He's playful. He's romantic. And he's afraid of getting hurt.

I pull the thin cover up over me and hug my pillow, eager to fall asleep now with the hope of meeting up with him in our dreams.