Torn (Devils Wolves Book 1) (16 page)

* * *

"
H
oly shit
, you're turning into Dr. Doolittle," Tesla says when I pull the kitten out of my jacket and tell her how I found it in a box.

"Well, I couldn't just leave him there." I hand the kitten over to my sister so I can take all my gear off. "Call Mom and ask her if she can come over and check it out for me and bring me whatever I need. I've never had a cat before."

"You're keeping it?" she asks in surprise.

"Why not? I thought the dog would like the company." Sitting on the couch, I take off my jacket, belt, and my boots. My entire body is aching.

Tessie lays the kitten on the couch between us as she calls our mom, and Diogee sniffs the newcomer with interest, gently nudging it with his nose, and the kitten rubs against his face.

"Nice..." I say, petting Diogee's head. His tail wags as the kitten continues to rub on his nose and rolls over on his back, purring. I think they're going to be fine together.

"You sure you want a kitten, Toren? This is just a baby," Tesla says when she gets off the phone. "And this dog is clingy, too. They're both going to want a lot of attention from you."

I lay the kitten on my chest and stare into its amber eyes. "Good. I need some distractions in my life."

"Why? What's going on? Is that bitch screwing with your head again?"

Tesla isn't a fan of Sydni and has never even attempted to hide her feelings about it. Today is no exception.

"Nah, she and I are done. I just have a lot on my mind lately."

"Good. You should have kicked her to the curb years ago." She disappears down the hall and comes back with her overnight bag. "Mom said she'll be here in about an hour. I should get going. The dog was good while you were gone. I wouldn't mind watching him again for you if you need me. I went grocery shopping for you, too. You can't just live on protein powder and fruit, Toren. You have to eat real food."

"Thanks, Tess. I appreciate you coming over here at the last minute. And I do eat, I just ran out of food."

"Anytime," she says, then frowns at me with concern "Are you okay? You seem off."

I pet the kitten with one hand and the dog with the other. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"If you want to talk, you're always welcome to stop by. I feel like I never see you. Tanner, Taran and Tris come over all the time, and you've never even been to my new apartment. You're turning into a recluse like Ty."

My gaze switches up to my sister. Her natural hair color is blonde, but today it's dark auburn and has grown out a few inches past her shoulders. She's changed and matured a lot in the past year, moving out of mom's house to get her own place after landing a job as a hair and makeup artist. And she's right, I don't see her nearly enough because I all do lately is work, do what I have to for Devils’ Wolves, and then go home. Other than the bonfires and the occasional rides with Asher, I don't really socialize.

"You're right. We'll hang out soon."

"Good luck with this zoo you're acquiring," she teases, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "Call me or stop by. I mean it."

"I will."

* * *

M
y mom shows
up about an hour later armed with kitten food, a cat bed, litter box, dishes, some toys, and gives me a course in Kittens 101.

"You're filling a void," she observes as she eyes me on the couch, with the kitten on my chest and the dog laying with its head in my lap.

"What are you talking about, Ma? I'm tired. Sleep is the only void I want to fill right now."

"Taking off for a weekend to the middle of nowhere? Keeping the pets you've rescued? You've been doing this for years, Honey, and you've never wanted to bring any home," she says. "Now look at you."

I shrug. "So what? I like these two. They're different."

"You're lonely, Toren."

Scoffing, I lean back against the couch and close my eyes. "I'm tired is what I am, Ma. Nothing else."

"That's probably true, since all you do is work. Latching onto these animals is your heart’s way of telling you that you want to love and be loved back. You're trying to put together a little family."

Opening my eyes, I look at her like she's nuts as she's standing over me near the couch, analyzing me like moms do. "You been smokin' Tanner's weed, Ma?"

She shoots me a scolding glare. "Do you know how many people come into the shelter every day adopting an animal because they're grieving? Or depressed? Or lonely? Trust me, I know what it looks like."

I wonder if she's right. I've rescued hundreds of animals since I started helping her when I was twelve years old, and these are the first two I've ever wanted to keep.

"So maybe I'll grow into a crazy old single cat man," I joke.

"I guess there are worse things that could happen. Why don't you and Lisa come over for dinner one night this week? I'd love to get to know her better. She seems lovely."

"Lovely?"

"Yes. Nice. Polite."

"Eh..." I curl my lip. Lisa's just not doing it for me, no matter how lovely she might be.

"Then come by yourself if you want. You can hang my new ceiling fan while you're there. Bring Diogee, you need to socialize him or you're both going to be weird around people. You need to get out more."

I think I'm already weird around people. Just a few weeks ago I told a woman my dick was on a vacation. In fact, I think I may have surpassed weird a while ago. I'm not going to admit that to my mother, though.

Letting out a sigh, I agree to stop by, but mostly because I want her to have the new ceiling fan, not because I want to practice social skills with my dog.

"We have a new volunteer at the shelter, her name is Dani. I could invite her over, too. She's pretty, and she has two cats, a dog, and a ferret. I think you'd like her."

"Ma. No. I don't want to be set up with anyone. Especially with someone who owns a ferret. That's an instant fuck no."

"Why? What do you have against ferrets?" She walks around the living room picking up the dog toys and puts them all in a pile by his bed. I know as soon as she's gone he's going to spread them all over the house again.

"They're evil. They're little fuzzy lunatic ninjas."

She sighs in utter frustration. "Alright, then. I tried. Call me if you need any help with the kitten. And you should bring it over to the vets as soon as you can for a real checkup. Maybe have Kenzi bring him over for you. She's been helping at the shelter a lot the past few weeks and she's really good with the animals."

A burn spreads in my chest at the mention of her name. "She's gone to Maine for the summer. I'll take the kitten myself."

"Oh," she says in surprise. "She didn't even say goodbye. I hope when she gets back home she'll still volunteer. I love having her there. She has some really good ideas."

"I'm sure she will, Ma. She told me she wants to. She left sorta at the last minute. She was excited about driving her new car and going on a road trip."
Lies and excuses. The first of many.

M
y mood shifts
from bad to worse once my mom is gone. Kenzi didn't say goodbye to me, either. She just left without so much as a text or a phone call, which is unlike her. She always says goodbye. If Asher hadn't mentioned to me that she left before I went on my excursion in the woods, I wouldn't have known she had left.

I can't stop thinking about that afternoon when I told her to leave. I don't know how many times in the past seventeen years I've watched her bottom lip quiver with emotion while tears welled up in her eyes and streamed down her cheeks. This time was different though, because I've never been the one to cause her tears. I've always been the one to wipe them away and make it all better. I've always been the hero to that adorable little blonde-haired girl who has morphed into a sensual woman in the blink of an eye, and now I don't know what to do with her.

It took every ounce of self-control I had to resist taking her in my arms and kissing her tears away, telling I didn't mean what I said and everything will be okay. As always, I ached to make everything better for her. But I couldn't. That's what Uncle Tor would do, and unfortunately he went up in flames the moment we touched. That guy is gone, and she can't ever have him back. Just like I can't ever have my little blonde-haired princess back.

One forbidden touch, one taboo kiss, and we destroyed who we were. I don't know who either one of us is anymore or how we got all fucking tangled up in this mess of lust and love that should never exist. But it does exist, and no matter how much I try to deny it, it keeps coming back to get in my face, refusing to be ignored.

And now she's gone, just like I asked.

I want her back. So fucking bad.

A
s soon as
I wake up, I can feel something is wrong. There's a darkness in the air - something foreboding that makes a chill run down my spine as I climb out of bed- even though the house is not cold. I find him sitting on the couch in the living room. The television is off. There's no music playing. And that's very unlike him, because sound is his passion. He's staring at the floor and doesn't even seem to notice that I've walked into the room.

"Dad?" I say tentatively, afraid to jolt him out of the trance he appears to be in.

His head raises unnaturally slow, and he starts to tremble. This is it, I think to myself. Mom is really gone. She's no longer lingering between life and death, holding us as emotional hostages in her limbo. It's over.

I run across the hardwood floors and kneel down in front of him. And that's when I notice the blood. On his hands, and on his shirt. It's smeared, and not wet, but sticky. It has to be recent.

"Oh my God. Daddy...are you hurt?"

"It's not mine," he whispers.

"What happened? Whose blood is this?"

"Katie's dead."

I feel like the life just got sucked out of me as my mind tries to process what he just said, hoping I must have heard him wrong. Katie is my five-year-old cousin. Five-year-olds don't die. Especially ones that are so happy and healthy, like Katie.

"What? No..." I shake my head as tears start to track down my face.

"Lukas and I had to identify the body. Vandal had a car accident, and she was in the back seat. It's his blood."

"Uncle Vandal? Is he-?"

He shakes his head. "He's okay. Hurt...but okay."

Gulping, I tug at his blood-stained shirt. I can't be near it, and he shouldn't be either. "Let's take this off, Dad," I say softly, and he lets me pull his shirt over his head. I take the soft throw blanket off the top of the couch and gently wrap it around him. He's still shaking uncontrollably and I'm afraid he's in shock.

"I can't get it out of my head. She was so little...it was awful. I feel sick." He chokes on his tears and presses his palms against his eyes. "I can't stop seeing her little broken body."

I put my arms around him and hug him close to me, fighting the waves of devastation that are rippling through my own body.

"I'm so sorry, Daddy."

I don't know what else to say, or how to comfort him. He needs his wife, not me. I have never experienced death before this, and I'm torn between falling apart myself and needing to be strong for my father. All I can offer is words I've read in books or heard in movies. "Let's try to remember her before. How cute she was. Don't think about tonight. That's not her anymore."

Maybe I should call my Grandmother, or Storm, my other uncle, who's very close to my dad. They must be going through the exact same feelings of grief and disbelief right now, though, and probably won't be able to console him any more than I can.

My father clings to me, hugging me so tight I can barely breathe. "I'd die if something happened to you. I can't ever lose you, too."

I stroke the back of his head. "Nothing is ever going to happen to me, Dad. I promise."

* * *

I
t wasn't
easy convincing my father I could make the two-and-a-half hour drive to Maine safely by myself without crashing, getting lost, getting kidnapped, picking up a hitchhiker, or getting several speeding tickets, but after much debate, I finally convinced him to let me go. He didn't understand my sudden decision to leave as soon as possible and stood in my room with a worried look on his face watching me pack a suitcase like a demented squirrel with way too many nuts.

"I don't understand why you're leaving in such a rush. Did something happen? Did Katherine say something?" he asks. There's been a slight rift between my father and my aunt Katherine since my mom's accident. She wanted me to come live with her permanently, stating that I needed to be raised by a mature woman now and not by a bunch of rock stars. My father won that battle, agreeing to let me spend the summers with Katherine. But honestly, I don't think my aunt has ever really trusted that her only sister's child was being raised right. I've never met my mother's parents since they basically disowned her when she got pregnant with me, so Katherine is the only relative of my mother’s that I have any contact with. Every time I visit, she begs me to stay permanently. I always leave, though, because I miss my dad, my family, and Chloe. And Tor.

"Everything is fine, Dad. Katherine hasn't said anything other than she's excited I'm coming. I guess I just want to get away and think about what I want to do with my life now. That's all." After the fight with Tor earlier today, I just want to get away from everything.

"I get that. I just wanted more time with you myself this summer. I have a tour in the Fall. And then again in January. I feel like you're running away from something."

I hate upsetting my father, and I worry about leaving him because I know he's lonely even though he refuses to admit it. He looks so young to me today, wearing ripped up jeans and a black shirt that's unbuttoned with all his chest and ab tats visible, and a black baseball hat on his head backward, his long hair spilling out from beneath it. He doesn't look like a typical father and sometimes I forget he's as young as he is.

"I know, Dad. I'm sorry. I'll call and text you every day. And I'll come back at the end of July or early August, so we'll still have time together before you leave."

"But I'll miss your birthday. It's your eighteenth and I wanted to have a big party for you."

I inwardly cringe. "I hate parties. When I get back, I'll have a few friends over for one of your bonfire nights. That's all I want," I smile reassuringly at him. "You don't have to do anything special for me."

His brow creases with worry. "Your mom would want something special for you for your birthday. She would want me to do something memorable for you."

"You make every day of my life special, Dad," I say, and I mean it with all my heart. Not a day goes by that he doesn't tell me and show me how much he loves me.

"You could come on tour with me. It'll be fun now that you're older. Your uncles would love to have you around."

I check the clasps on Snuggles cage to make sure they're secure before I can load her up into the backseat of my Jeep. "I might just take you up on that. Let's see how the summer goes, okay?" I'm not sure if Toren still wants me working at his shop when Gretchen leaves. I guess I'll cross that bridge later after things settle down.

"Good enough. I just want you to know, I don't want you to move out. I know a lot of kids your age want to get out on their own and get their own place or live with their friends, but I like having you here with me."

He walks over to the rabbit cage and peers in, poking his finger through the bars to pet her, then turns back to face me, and the desperation in his eyes tugs at my heart. "I can work on giving you more space and not prying into your life, and I could hire a builder and section off part of the house so you have your own apartment. This place is big enough to do that, we have rooms we don't even use. Your mom thought we'd have more kids someday..." his voice trails off, and his hand goes up to finger the tarnished silver skeleton key that hangs around his neck on a thick strand of leather. He never takes it off because it was hers. "Whatever you want, I'll do it."

"Daddy..." I won't barter with my father's love. I refuse to demand things for myself in exchange for companionship and security for him. "You don't have to do any of that. You don't bother me, you're not even home much. Trust me, I'm not in any hurry to move out."

"Good. I don't want too much to change, ya know," he swallows and meets my eyes. "I have a good feeling...about your Mom. She would want you here when she comes home. Think of all the things you can tell her-"

Counting to five, I try to level my voice. "Dad," I say sternly. "Mom isn't coming home."

We stare at each other, and I watch him fight to keep his hope alive, and damn it hurts so bad. I've stood in denial with him for years. I've refused to talk about her and what happened. I've lived in limbo with him because it seemed like the easiest way to cope with the tragedy of what happened to her. Even now, after years have passed, I still can't say the words, and neither can he. So much power hides in words, and once you speak them, you give them life, and you have to accept the truth that comes with them.

Hiding from the facts guarded my sanity for a long time, but now that I'm getting older, I know I can't run from it forever, and neither can he. It's just not right.

"I think she will," he replies, his voice soft and determined. "Having faith and love can work miracles, Kenzi. If I've taught you nothing else, please believe in that. We can't give up on her."

I chew my fingernail, swallowing back all the things I should be saying right now to bring my father back down to reality, but I can't do it to him. Who am I to smash his hopes about the love of his life? Maybe he's right, and love and faith really can defy mounting facts that point to the opposite of what we want to believe.

"I won't give up, Dad. I promise." But honestly, what I really mean is that I won't give up on my faith in him.

Hefting up the rabbit cage in his muscular arms, a smile spreads across his face, and all I can think is that I want a man to love me someday like my dad loves my mom. That unconditional, no-matter-what, I will fuck with anything that tries to get in my path type of love. I hope wherever my mom is, she knows how deeply he loves her, how he refuses to give up on her or stray from their commitment for any reason. I hope that makes her fight just as hard as he is.

"Let's get you two loaded up and on your way," he winks at me as he carefully carries my rabbit out to the hallway.

I need to do a lot of serious soul searching this summer and sort out my feelings, and not just about the whirlwind of new emotions Toren has awakened in me. Obviously, I can't live with my father forever, and I'm worried the longer I stay with him, the harder it will be to ever leave him if my mother doesn't come back like he believes she will. I'm afraid we're totally enabling each other, and not really moving on with our lives. We're going through the motions, waiting for something to happen that may never happen. How can that be good for either for us?

* * *

I
t takes
me a little over three hours to get to Aunt Katherine's house because I felt like I had to stop at every single rest stop to use the bathroom, whether I really had to go or not. I kept worrying that if I didn't stop, I'd have to pee a few miles down the road and wouldn't be able to find another rest area. Total new driver struggles.

Driving slow with the bunny in the back seat, even though my father rigged the seatbelt around her cage to keep her from sliding around back there, seemed like the best thing to do. I wasn't exactly in a rush, and listening to my favorite music while I drove, belting out lyrics in a voice that would make my father cringe in horror, puts me in a good mood. Having my own car, and driving someplace entirely alone is giving me a new sense of freedom and independence. I can feel the stress leaving me with each passing mile. Maybe Tor is right; I really did need to get away to clear my head. Maybe I've clung to him in ways I shouldn't have and misread my own feelings for him. Hopefully, the time apart will help us figure it out so we can go back to being normal again.