Toad Away (2 page)

“Got it in one,” muttered the grasshopper. Goliath snatched up poor flat sunbaked Uncle Ian and waved him under Limpy's nose.

“You can't make friends with monsters who do this!” yelled Goliath. “All you can do is try and wipe them out, or at the very least force them back to the car parks they came from. And that's what I'm going to do.”

Limpy tried to stay calm. He loved Goliath very much, but sometimes, he thought, Goliath is like one of those forms of swamp life that are so stupid they don't even know when a lizard is eating their brains.

Perhaps it's not so bad, Limpy told himself. Perhaps Goliath will come to his senses and realize he's not going to win a war with an attack force of one cane toad and a few insects.

“Actually,” said the slug to Goliath, “those three humans look pretty tough. I don't think we'll be able to wipe them out on our own.”

Limpy, relieved, could see that Goliath was thinking the same thing.

Goliath glared at the slug.

“Leave the military planning to me, private,” he said. “We won't have to wipe them out on our own, because I've got an army.”

Limpy's throat sac bulged with alarm.

“An army?” he croaked. “What army?”

“I
'll show you my army on one condition,” said Goliath. “No blabbing about it to the enemy.”

Limpy sighed.

“Goliath,” he said. “Humans won't want to be friends with us if you keep calling them the enemy.”

But Goliath wasn't listening. He was hopping away down a bush track.

Limpy struggled to keep up. He wished he had big muscly legs like Goliath. He also wished his crook leg didn't make him hop in circles. But most of all he wished his dopey cousin wasn't putting all cane toads everywhere in serious danger.

A hopeful thought struck Limpy. Perhaps the army was only in Goliath's imagination, like the self-peeling snails Goliath daydreamed about quite often.

“Atten-shun!”

Limpy jumped, startled. Then he realized it was
Goliath's voice, booming from the other side of a clump of bushes.

Perhaps Goliath's just yelling at some grasshoppers he's eaten, thought Limpy even more hopefully. Telling them not to jump around so much in his tummy.

Limpy scrambled through the bushes and found himself in a small clearing ringed by trees.

He stared in horror.

At the edge of the clearing stood Goliath, wavy mud stripes gleaming in the sunlight, holding the biggest sharp stick Limpy had ever seen. Lined up in front of Goliath were quite a few other cane toads, including Mum and Dad and Charm. They were also covered in wavy mud stripes and holding sharp sticks.

Limpy felt dizzy with panic.

“Mum,” he croaked. “What are you all doing?”

Mum and Dad gave Limpy guilty looks, but Charm didn't even look up. She was staring hard at a soft-drink can some distance away on a log. Suddenly she flexed her glands and two little globs of poison pus flew across the clearing and pinged into the can.

Several of the cane toads applauded. Mum and Dad looked proud.

Limpy stared, gobsmacked. He'd always assumed the pollution that had stunted Charm's growth had also stopped her poison glands from developing to full power.

Obviously not.

Stack me, thought Limpy. My little sister's in the army and she's a crack shot.

“I said atten-shun!” yelled Goliath.

The cane toads all stood at attention.

“Charge!” yelled Goliath.

The cane toads charged.

For a sickening heartbeat Limpy thought they were attacking the human picnickers. He hopped forward to fling himself at them. There were too many for him to stop them all, but at least he could grab Mum and Dad and Charm and save them from being stabbed with pie crusts.

Then Limpy realized the cane toads weren't charging at humans, they were charging around a homemade military training course.

Charm was wading through a pit full of those fat bog leeches that explode if you tread on them.

Dad was wriggling on his tummy under low-slung strands of barbed creeper and stinging nettles.

Mum was trying to clamber up a high wall of car hubcaps with the engine grease still on them. She was almost at the top, but was slipping off, waving her arms wildly.

Limpy hurled himself forward and managed to give her something soft to land on.

Him.

“Sorry, love,” panted Mum as she helped him up and pumped air back into his chest. “I'm not a very good commando.”

“What are you doing here?” wheezed Limpy.

Mum looked at the ground. “I thought if we defeated the humans in a war,” she said quietly, “our relatives would stop being squashed on the highway and your room wouldn't get so cluttered.”

Limpy sighed. Mum was always going on about the dead rellies stacked up in his room. He didn't know why. He kept them tidy and dusted.

Dad hobbled over, wincing as he pulled creeper barbs out of his shoulders. “I just want a little respect,” he said. “Humans don't have to stop killing us completely, but I just want them to respect us a little more.”

“I want them to stop killing us completely,” said Charm, scowling through the bits of bog leech splattered on her face. “If they don't, I'll squirt them.”

Limpy stared at his family. He felt weak with shock—and from the impact of Mum's bottom.

“I thought it was a real battle,” he said. “I thought you were going to be killed.”

Mum patted Limpy's hand.

“Sorry we didn't tell you about all this,” she said.“Goliath reckoned you'd chuck a wobbly if you knew we were doing military training, you being a peace lover and all.”

“Actually,” said Dad, “I think it's Goliath who's chucking the wobbly.”

Goliath was storming toward them, waving his stick in fury.

“This is not good enough!” he roared. “An army without training and discipline isn't an army, it's a pathetic rabble.”

“Accept it, love,” said Mum to Goliath. “That's what we are.”

The other cane toads gathered round, nodding.

Suddenly Limpy didn't feel weak anymore. He pulled himself up to his full height, hoping his crook leg wasn't making him tilt over too much, and looked around at the other cane toads.

“I know how you feel,” he said. “I want to make things better for us too. But starting a war isn't the answer.”

“Why?” demanded Goliath. “Are you scared we'd lose?”

“Partly,” said Limpy. “Humans are bigger than us and they have guns and bombs and many other weapons of mass destruction, including pies. But there's a more important reason. If we start trying to hurt and kill humans, that makes us as bad as them.”

The other cane toads thought about this. After a while, quite a few of them croaked their agreement.

Goliath threw his stick away and slumped down into the mud.

“You always spoil my plans,” he complained to Limpy. “It was the same when I had that great idea about training worms to crawl down our throats and into our tummies while we're asleep.”

Limpy gave one of Goliath's big warts a sympathetic squeeze. Then he looked around at the other cane toads again. “There's only one way we can survive,” he said. “We've got to find a way to live in peace with humans.”

He was just about to say “and I think we can do it” when the air was filled with a loud mechanical roar.

It was coming from some distance away, but getting closer.

And louder.

Limpy had a horrible thought. The humans must have found out about Goliath's war plans and were attacking first.

“Take cover!” he yelled. “Watch out for truck tires and sausage rolls!”

The cane toads scattered. Limpy grabbed Charm. Goliath grabbed Mum and Dad. They all dived into a bog hole at the edge of the clearing.

The engine roar was deafening now and the mud under Limpy's chin was vibrating.

Suddenly trees on the other side of the clearing started to topple. Something huge was pushing them over. Limpy saw it was a bulldozer driven by one of the human picnickers, who was now wearing a yellow plastic helmet. Two other bulldozers roared into view.

“You mongrels!” yelled Goliath.“Some of my friends live in those trees! And some of my meals!”

Limpy dragged Goliath back down into the hole. They all huddled together, deafened by the noise of the bulldozers and the crash of falling timber. Limpy could see Mum and Dad and Charm were glad they weren't out there fighting the bulldozers in a battle.

“Let go of me,” muttered Goliath. “I'm gunna rip their front bits off and use them to make great big dents in their back bits.”

But Limpy could feel that Goliath wasn't struggling very hard.

After a long time, the crashing stopped and the roaring got gradually fainter.

Limpy peered out of the hole. The bulldozers had gone. A whole row of trees was flattened.

“Stack me!” gasped Limpy.

It wasn't the fallen trees that took his breath away. It was what lay beyond them in the distance.

Houses.

Streets.

All around the edge of a huge lake.

“Gargling goannas!” said Dad.“It's a human suburb.”

Limpy stared, stunned. He hadn't even known the lake was there. And he'd had no idea the humans were getting this close.

Goliath stood up and glared at the suburb.

“See,” he growled. “If we don't do something, the mongrels will keep advancing till they've covered the whole swamp with buildings and roads and concrete. With us buried underneath.”

With a sinking heart and drooping warts, Limpy realized Goliath might be right. The task ahead was going to be harder than he'd thought.

“There's only one way we can save ourselves and the swamp,” said Limpy.

“War,” growled Goliath.

Limpy took a deep breath and started looking around for slugs.

“Friendship,” he said.

L
impy had never been in a human front yard before.

He didn't like it.

They didn't even have a swamp, just a fish pond with a pink concrete bottom. Limpy couldn't see a single mud worm in it, or a single slime leech. No wonder the poor fish looked so stressed. Almost as stressed as Goliath and Charm were looking.

“Goliath,” whispered Limpy. “Put that stick down. We're on a mission of friendship.”

Goliath scowled. He didn't put the stick down.

Limpy didn't dare yell at him. Not here in the middle of a human suburb in broad daylight. The front yards he and Charm and Goliath were clambering across hid them a bit, but it was still too risky. If a human in a house or a passing car heard croaking and happened to have a high-powered rifle or golf club handy, he and Charm and Goliath would be goners.

Limpy gripped his knotted lizard bladder full of slug sauce and looked nervously up and down the street.

“Remember,” he whispered to the others. “We're looking for the biggest house.”

“Yeah,” said Goliath. “So we can blow it up.”

Limpy sighed. “We're looking for the biggest house because that's where the local human leader must live,” he said. “The person we're going to give our gifts of friendship to, remember?”

Goliath scowled again.

“Goliath,” said Charm. “Where's your gift of friendship? The rat rissole?”

“I've got it,” said Goliath indignantly.

Charm looked at him sternly.

“It's in your stomach, isn't it?” she said.

Goliath looked guilty. “It's safe in there,” he said. “I put it there so I wouldn't drop it.”

Charm handed Limpy her lizard bladder of maggot moisturizer, clambered up onto Goliath's shoulder, and reached into his mouth. She plunged her arm in up to her shoulder, rummaged around, and dragged out a slightly soggy rissole.

“Ow,” said Goliath. “Your nails are sharp.”

“It's your own fault,” said Limpy, drying the rissole on a leaf. “You can't give people presents straight out of your stomach.”

“This whole idea's stupid,” said Goliath. “We shouldn't be giving presents to these mongrels, we should be attacking them, and that's what I'm gunna do.”

Before Limpy could stop him, Goliath had hopped through the fence and was lumbering down the street.

“After him,” said Charm.

They gave chase. Goliath was already a long way ahead. Limpy tried to hop faster, but it was hopeless.