To Love and Heal (The Power of Love Series) (14 page)

Anna sat down on
the comfortably plush chair across from her, eager to find out all that she
could about Caleb's present state.  "I'm just glad that you asked me
to come by.  I've been so worried about Caleb."

Dr. Blake nodded,
her expressive blue eyes emanating genuine compassion. "First, let me say
how sorry I am for your loss."

Almost
instinctively, Anna's eyes dropped momentarily to her stomach. "Thank
you," she replied quietly.

"So I just
want to make sure you understand that Caleb agreed to have me meet with you.
Without his permission, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now since
as his psychologist, it's my duty to protect his privacy and anything that he
might reveal to me during the course of treatment."

Anna nodded.
"I understand."

"Having said
that, it's clear to me that Caleb felt it was very important to let you know
what has happened since his breakdown. He cares very much about you and knows
you tried to help him move past his time in Afghanistan."

"I guess my
first question is how he was able to hold it together for so long and then
suddenly have it fall apart so completely."

"I think the
best way to explain it is that it took a lot of energy and determination for
Caleb to keep his emotional trauma at bay.  The only way he could function
on a day-to-day basis was to more or less deny to himself on some level that
any of it actually happened.  And that's a whole lot of denial.  But
finding out that you were pregnant and then losing the baby …"  Dr.
Blake paused, silently gauging Anna's emotional state about a still very
painful subject before continuing.  "Losing the baby was like the
final straw that broke down all his defenses.  He just couldn't keep up
the façade of 'I'm okay' to others anymore – never mind to
himself." 

Anna closed her
eyes, Caleb's anguished sobs reverberating within her mind. "Is he ever
going to be the same person that he was before all this happened?" she
asked quietly.

"No,"
Dr. Blake replied, the bluntness of her answer sending a jolt through Anna's
entire being.

"No?!"

"What Caleb
has been through – there's no way he's going to look at life the same way that
he did before the war.  He's seen things that have shaken him to the core,
things that have made him question his very existence and his reason for still
being alive. So if you're asking me if he will ever be the same Caleb who saw
the world through innocent eyes, my professional opinion is that he can't go
back to being that exact person again.  But that doesn't mean that the core
of who he is as a person has changed, or that he can't get to a place where
he's made peace with the past and can find happiness in the present. I guess
what I'm trying to say is that Caleb underwent a life-altering experience, and
there's no quick fix that will erase all this from his psyche."

"So where
does that leave things?  How long will he be here?"

"After
assessing the situation and discussing the options with Caleb, we decided that
the best course of action would be to have him receive outpatient counseling
here.  I have a lot of experience dealing with patients who have
post-traumatic stress disorder, but I also think that Caleb would benefit from
talking to other soldiers who are dealing with the same issues firsthand, and
he's agreed to participate in a local veterans' group that was started for this
very reason.  It will be an informal support group where returning
soldiers can feel safe talking about their experiences both on the battlefield
and in trying to adjust to being back home."

"And his
job?"

Dr. Blake sighed
before forcing an optimistic smile.  "In my professional opinion,
Caleb should have some intense counseling behind him before operating the very
aircraft that could potentially trigger a flashback.  But he's being
pretty bull-headed on this one."

Anna managed a
slight smile. "Somehow I'm not surprised."

"Ultimately,
I've come to the conclusion that he is so passionate about pursuing this that
it might help him to get to a better place
if
  he can stay in the
present and keep his wartime and post-war flying experiences separate."

"Does his new
employer know what's going on?"

"Yes – and to
their credit, they are willing to give Caleb a chance to show that he is in
fact ready for this role, but only if he stays with counseling for as long as
needed."

"Wow – that's
pretty understanding on their part, considering the stakes."

"Well, it
doesn't hurt that the CEO was a helicopter pilot in Iraq during Operation
Desert Storm, so you might say he understands firsthand where Caleb is coming
from.  But they've also been very impressed with both his flying skills
and determination, so both of these things will no doubt work in his
favor."

Anna looked down
at her hand as it grasped the chair arm, summoning up the courage to ask the
next question.  "So do I fit into any of this?  I mean, has
Caleb indicated that he wants me in his life?"

"Anna, I know
how difficult this is for you.  And I don't want to speak for Caleb on a
matter that is understandably so personal to you, but part of the reason why he
wanted me to meet with you was to let you know how much he cares about you, and
that he doesn't know what the future holds but he does know he needs to heal
before he can be the man that you deserve–"

"But I can
help him get there," Anna interjected, her heart quickening as she read
between the lines.  He didn't want to see her.  Not now … and maybe
not ever.

"No." 
Dr. Blake's forceful pushback was quickly followed by a softened stance. 
"You know, Caleb described you as being a very compassionate and nurturing
person, and I can see that for myself in just this initial meeting alone. 
You've already done more to help him than you'll probably ever know."

"I've done
nothing – other than suggest that he get help, which I'm glad to know that he
finally has."

"You did more
than that, Anna.  You threw him a lifejacket of unconditional love. 
Even if it wasn't said in words, it was conveyed in actions.  Caleb didn't
think much of himself after his tours of duty.  He felt others died
because of him."

"That's crazy
– he saved numerous lives!  Not only that, but he put himself in
situations where he knew he might be killed so that someone else would
live."

"Ever hear
the phrase 'you're your own worst critic'?  It's because Caleb has such a
strong sense of right and wrong, of loyalty and selflessness, that he feels
this way. Part of his treatment will be helping him to see the shades of gray
in areas where he always only saw only black and white.  He needs to
forgive himself, to realize he's human and he that he did the absolute best
that he could.  Unfortunately, that's not always enough, and it's the
fallout from this that he's having a hard time accepting."

"So what
you're saying is … Caleb may never want to see me again."

Dr. Blake peered
over her dark-framed glasses, equal parts serious and empathetic. "My, how
we jump to conclusions."

"But it's
true, isn't it?  If he doesn't plan to have me in his life while he goes
through this healing process, then it's very possible that I'll never see him
again."

"Yes, it's
possible
,
but I don't think you should go there just yet.  That's certainly not a
scenario that he indicated to me, and right now I think he is just laser
focused on getting a grip on his post-traumatic stress disorder."

Anna nodded, too
worn down emotionally to add a verbal response.

"I hope you
realize how much of a difference you've already made in his life," Dr.
Blake added.  "Finding a way to bring Haley back and reuniting them
was an incredible gift and I have no doubt that having her by his side has
helped him tremendously."

Still too bogged
down in her conflicted thoughts to speak, Anna again nodded, although this time
with the hint of a smile.

"You know, as
a psychologist, I approach diagnosis and treatment in a logical manner based on
solid research and guidelines.  But the non-scientist in me has seen some
pretty miraculous things happen – both in my own life and in that of my
patients.  I think the best thing you can do right now is to go on living
your life and finding happiness wherever you can.  If it's meant to be for
you and Caleb, then I truly believe you will one day be together again."
Witnessing Anna's nearly shocked expression, she grinned and added, "Once
in a while my inner New Age guru has some very non-Western medicine advice to
share.  This is one of those times."

Anna's voice
returned as she thanked the doctor before rising from her seat. As she was
about to head for the door, she paused and turned back.  "Can you
tell Caleb something for me?"

"Of
course."

"Just …
please just tell him I wish him the best, and to give Haley a scratch behind
the ears for me."

Dr. Blake smiled
warmly. "I'll be sure to do."

Anna forced a
smile before exiting the office, wondering if ultimately she was also exiting
Caleb's life for good.

FOURTEEN

Anna curled up on
the living room couch with a mug of hot chocolate, raising the mug in mid-air
as Merlin circled around on her lap before plopping down in a contented heap.
Almost three months had passed since she last saw Caleb on that anguished day
in the hospital, and she was grateful that a busy holiday season and her
thriving web design business had kept her focused and preoccupied enough for
the time to quickly sail by. Though she hadn't expected to hear from Caleb
immediately, she had still held out hope that he would eventually reach out to
her, but that hope was fading fast as weeks turned into months.

And now, sitting
in the very living room that he had helped bring to life, it sometimes felt
like his presence had never fully departed.  And while it was a comforting
thought in the early days of Caleb's path to healing, now it was a bittersweet
reminder of man she had fallen in love with … and might never see again. 
She had read everything that she could get her hands on about soldiers with
PSTD, so she hadn't fooled herself into thinking there was a quick fix for
Caleb's condition.  The more traumatizing experiences that one had been
exposed to, the longer it would take to heal, and with three tours of duty
behind him, Caleb no doubt had witnessed more than his share of horrific
scenes.  He had indicated to Dr. Blake that he needed to be whole again
before he could be a part of Anna's life.  But as time trickled away, she
could only wonder if that day would ever come.

As her stomach
pulled with a bottomless ache, Anna was grateful for the interruption of her
ringing cell phone.  And seeing Tina's number pop up meant there were sure
to be some crazy antics to help divert her thoughts even more.

"Hey
there−"

"Anna,"
Tina interjected hurriedly.  "Put the TV on if you're not already
watching it – channel four!"

"What's
going on?"

"
Hurry!"
   As Tina's screech sailed into the air at full
decibel, Merlin pinned his ears back and jumped off Anna's lap.

"Okay,
okay," she said as she clicked the remote.  "What's so important
that I have to watch…"

Her question was
visually answered as the screen came into focus.  Slightly stunned to see
Caleb's face – and overwhelmed with the flood of emotions and memories that it
triggered – Anna fell back onto the couch as the broadcast picked up a reporter
in mid-sentence.

" … and Caleb
Brown, a former Marine captain, is trying to spread awareness about stray dogs
who befriend soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq, and the roadblocks these
soldiers encounter when they try to bring the dogs back to the United
States."

As if on cue,
Haley's head popped into view, eliciting background laughter as she stole a
quick lick off of Caleb's cheek.

The reporter
joined the laughter before he turned to face the camera again.  "Not
only do these dogs provide comfort and companionship in an extremely stressful
war environment, in some cases they have actually saved soldiers' lives. In
fact, that's exactly what Haley did when she chased off a suicide bomber who
was approaching Caleb's quarters in the middle of the night. Can you elaborate
on that incredible story?" the reporter asked as he thrust the microphone
in front of Caleb.

Instead of looking
directly into the camera, Caleb glanced down at Haley and then back to the
reporter.  "Well, one thing I know for certain is that there's a good
chance I wouldn't even be here today if it weren't for Haley. It was in the
middle of the night and we were all asleep in the barracks. Dogs aren't allowed
in our living quarters, but Haley was always hanging around our base and the
truth is we would sneak her in when we could.  She heard someone approach
outside and starting barking, which alerted us to the fact that something was
wrong.  We immediately armed ourselves and apparently the sound of Haley's
barking was enough of a deterrent for the bomber to turn around and run in the
other direction.  I was one of the first to reach the door and head out in
pursuit, and Haley jumped out past me and went after him.  Within seconds
the bomb went off, but by this point he had covered enough ground so that the
barracks were cleared from direct impact."

"But Haley
herself was injured," the reporter added grimly.

"Yes,"
Caleb replied, reaching down to pat her affectionately on the head as she sat
at his feet.  "She was bleeding heavily from shrapnel wounds and we
would have lost her if the base doctors hadn't performed emergency
surgery."

"She looks
great now," the reporter observed as Haley's wagging tail accelerated and
thumped against the floor.  "So talk a little now about your effort
to bring Haley back home with you when your tour of duty ended."