To Love and Heal (The Power of Love Series) (11 page)

"Hey,"
Caleb said with forced casualness as he suddenly appeared towing two large
duffel bags.

Anna's smile faded
as unease traveled the length of her body and settled in her throat.

"What's going
on?" she asked hoarsely.

"I was just
getting my stuff together."

"I can see
that.  So that's it?  You're just leaving?"  Anna not only
found her voice again, but at a much louder decibel.  "And you
weren't even going to say goodbye?"

Caleb tossed the
duffel bags onto his truck bed, momentarily looking up at the sky before
turning to face her.  "I was going to leave you a note−"

Anna felt her face
flush.
"A note?"
   She couldn't decide whether to be
more hurt, angry or insulted, so she settled for stewing in the heat of all
three.

"We talked
about this not that long ago. You knew I was just about finished up here."

"I didn't
realize you'd be in such a hurry to leave."

"I'm
not."

Anna gestured
towards the duffel bags.  "Oh, really?"

"Anna …"
Caleb paused, his pained eyes telling her that part of him didn't actually want
to go, but then again, she was starting to think that she had misread him all
along.

"So where are
you going?" she asked, only half wanting to know the answer.

"There's an
opening for a medical helicopter pilot based out of Boston. Opportunities like
this are few and far between – I have to jump on it now."

Anna shook her
head as her heart sank further.  Boston was only an hour away, but that
was clearly not even the point. "Caleb, you're not ready for something
like this."

The earlier
remorse in his eyes was replaced with a glowing fierceness.  "See –
this is what I can't be around.  I can't have you telling me that
something's wrong with me when it's not."

"So you
really think that being in a helicopter again is not going to set off a
flashback? All it took was hearing one before!"

"This is
different.  I'll be making the decision to fly the helicopter, so I'll be
in control.  Maybe you're right – maybe I wasn't ready before.  But I
am now."

Anna stared hard
at Caleb, wishing she could let go of him as easily as he apparently could her.
But clearly she meant nothing to him – not even enough to elicit a goodbye
kiss.  Although considering that he had been keeping his distance since
Sharon's visit, she realized his coldness shouldn't come as a surprise.

She turned to walk
away, jolted back as Caleb grabbed her shoulder.

"Hold
on," he said as she reluctantly turned to face him.

"Just
leave," she replied tersely, resuming her steps at a quicker pace.

He pulled her back
again, but this time there was no verbal plea on his part.  Instead, he
effortlessly swept her up off the ground and carried her to the front door of
the house, freeing a hand to swing it open and waiting for Haley to slip inside
before closing it behind them. 

"Wait,"
Anna said, shaking her head as they headed to the living room and she fell back
on the couch, the cushions sinking beneath her as Caleb's rugged body slid over
her.  Her weak protest was silenced with kisses, her resolve about as
permanent as the clothing that was being shed at breakneck speed.  He was
leaving her − a good enough reason as any to pull away from him now
− but she couldn't.  She wondered how something so wrong could feel
so right, but any further thoughts were blindsided as her body took the
steering wheel and she willingly went along for the ride.  The cramped
couch did little to deter the frenzied desire that was building exponentially,
and as Caleb pulled her onto his lap, she clasped his hands against the back
cushions and rubbed herself over his hardness until neither of them could wait
anymore. As he kissed her neck, she slowly rocked back and forth, coaxing the
pleasure to build as their breath began to quicken and they gripped each other
forcibly, drawing to a shattering climax that crested deep within, her cries
quickly followed by Caleb's low moan as he pulled her down hard and came inside
of her.

Her face now
buried in his chest, Anna looked up, their sweat mingling and hearts
simultaneously pounding.  As she searched his eyes for the unspoken
affection that she had come to expect after their intimate moments together,
her exhausted smile faded as she instead saw anguish, if not regret. 
Wincing, she turned away, a sickness inside of her growing as she waited for a
reassuring word or touch that never came.

"Please just
leave," she said quietly, her voice catching as the emotional gap between
them widened with each second that ticked by.

"Anna−"

"Leave!"

Caleb rose from
the couch, numbly dressing in silence.  Once fully clothed, he stood
frozen with his back to her and head hung low.  After several moments, he
briefly turned around, his eyes pained but his resolve clearly locked in
place.  As he headed for the front door, Haley trailing behind him after
lying patiently on a throw rug by the living room entrance, Anna closed her
eyes, jumping slightly as the door slammed shut. It wasn't how she expected
their last time together to end.  But then again, perhaps that was part of
the problem: She had fooled herself into thinking that this day might possibly
never come.

Caleb gripped the
steering wheel with a force just short of crushing it into dust. He bore down
on the accelerator as if quickening his departure from Anna could somehow
lessen the blow, but it didn't.  He hated himself for leaving her that
way, for sharpening the knife by making love to her just before exiting her
life for good.  But
was
it for good? He tried to shake the images
of their last moments together from his mind, images that begged the question:
Why did he have to leave behind someone who he wanted to be with so badly?

Haley anxiously
peered over at him from her car seat beside him.  The sight of her
strapped securely into the seat made him smile sadly, his stomach pulling with
a bottomless ache.  Just days after Haley's arrival, Anna had come home
from running errands and announced that she had bought something for Haley that
would require some assembly.

Caleb
instinctively reached over and scratched Haley behind the ears as he vividly
recalled his exchange with Anna as though it were happening in the moment.

"A car seat?
A
car seat? 
For a dog?"

"Absolutely!"
Anna had replied with typical feistiness.  "A dog can get tossed
around and fly though a windshield, too, you know.  Especially with the
way
you
drive."

"And what's
wrong with my driving?" Caleb had asked with feigned insult that failed to
mask the playful glint in his eye.

"Nothing that
a de-leading of your foot wouldn't solve."

He smiled and
shook his head at the bittersweet recollection.  But that was Anna –
caring and compassionate and ….

Caleb gasped as a
wave of
something
rolled over him, stealing his breath away as it did.
He tried to steady his grip on the steering wheel as his heart pounded wildly
against his chest, but his arms grew numb and even his vision began to
falter.   He started to wonder if he was having a heart attack, but
then the question escaped as his thoughts dissolved into a cloud of black
confusion.

Haley strained
against her security strap as she pawed through the air just short of reaching
him, her whine cutting into the buzzing in his ears that accompanied a growing
dizziness.  It was enough to momentarily spark his senses as he searched
through blurry eyes for a spot to pull over.

A tap on the
head.  Another tap and a trail of moist warmth across his cheek.

Caleb slowly
opened his eyes, only then realizing that his upper body was draped over the
side of Haley's car seat as she continued her effort to rouse him.  He
pulled himself up, hugging her and feeling his heart beat slow down as it
synched with Haley's steady pulse against his hand.  Looking out the
window, he was surprised to find his truck in the far empty end of a diner
parking lot.  He couldn't quite recall the last moments of his journey,
but somehow he had safely made his way off of the road.  As for how long
he had been unconscious … that was a mystery as well, though he suspected not
more than a few minutes. Straightening back up in his seat, Caleb cautiously
recalled his last thoughts before what he could only surmise had been a panic
attack, and this time it wasn't a scene from the war.  He had been
thinking about Anna. Perhaps he had become more dependent on her than he wanted
to admit to himself.  There was no question in his mind that he loved her,
but her presence also had an almost calming effect on him.  He wondered if
it might have something to do with the sense of continuity and connection that
was woven into all of the moments that they had shared together.  One of
the most frustrating developments since returning from the war was an inability
to feel connected to the present – heck, to even feel like he was in his own
body most of the time.  But Anna had reintroduced an element of stability
to his life that counterbalanced a constantly rumbling inner turmoil, and now
he was leaving this groundedness – and her – behind.  But he had no
choice, he reminded himself as he felt the tightness in his chest return. 
Anna's concern for him – though well-meant and appreciated – would spur her to
discourage the steps that he knew he had to take in order to fully move on from
the past.  And in turn, broken inside as he knew he still was, Caleb felt
certain that he would ultimately only bring unhappiness to Anna, and he loved
her too much to let this happen. He turned to Haley, who stared at him through
anxious eyes as though reading his thoughts.  It was the most beautiful
gift that she was now by his side … one of many gifts that Anna had brought
into his life in the relatively short time that he had known her. He closed his
eyes, forcing his mind as best he could to forget the unforgettable. 

Maybe one day she
would forgive him for leaving her … but he sure as hell would never forgive
himself. 

TEN

"I know I
can't cook for shit," Tina declared just outside the bathroom door,
"but I usually don't make people
that
sick!"

Anna hung her head
over the toilet, too nauseas to answer.  When she finally emerged from the
bathroom five minutes later, Tina greeted her with a concerned expression.

"Girl, you
don't look good at
all
. I thought it was impossible to screw up
something as simple as salad and spaghetti, but I clearly did something
wrong."

Anna started to
shake her head, pausing when the motion triggered another round of dizziness.
As she started to falter, Tina grabbed her arm.

"I'm
okay," she croaked.  "I think I just need to sit down for a
minute."

"Of
course!" Tina kept a solid grip on Anna's arm as she steered her to the
kitchen table.  As they sat across from each other, Tina crooked her head
sideways as she studied Anna closely. "Is there something you're not
telling me?"

Anna held her
breath for a moment, then let it out in an unintended sigh.  "I was
planning to tell you while we were eating, but my stomach had other
ideas."

Tina's eyes
suddenly widened.  "You're not …"

"I am."

"Pregnant?!"

Anna looked up at
the ceiling, clearly still in the throes of disbelief herself. "I just
found out for certain yesterday."

"How? Well, I
know
how
… but I mean, haven't you been on birth control pills since
college?"

Anna nodded. 
"I went off them a couple of times and ended up with irregular periods
again, so I've just stayed on them regardless of whether I'm in a relationship
or not."

"And yet …
you're pregnant.  Isn't the pill supposed to be something like ninety-nine
percent effective?"

"That's the
first thing I said to my doctor.  But remember me telling you how I had
gotten a cut on my leg from a piece of rusty garden fence wire that was
starting to look infected?"

"Yes −
as I recall, my response was to hire some young hunk to do your yard work, and
I'd come and watch."

Despite the
gravity of the situation, Ann still managed to grin – momentarily. 
"Well, I knew the antibiotic could interfere with my birth control pills, but
I didn't realize this could be the case for a full week even after I stopped
the antibiotic."

"Which is
when …"

"Exactly,"
Anna replied, feeling no need to further state the obvious.

"Does he
know?"

Though Anna felt a
twinge in her stomach, she knew it was more of an emotional response rather
than physical.  "No.  And to be honest, I'm not sure if telling
him is the right thing to do."

Tina's face
registered surprise.  "Far be it for me to take moral high road in
pretty much
any
situation … but don't you think Caleb has a right to
know?"

"Of course I
do, and this isn't a decision I'm taking lightly.  But I don't know what
this will do to his state of mind right now.  He's dealing with
enough."

"What about
what
you're
dealing with? I mean, have you decided to go through with
the pregnancy?"

Almost
instinctively, Anna touched her stomach. "I'm not going to pretend that
this is what I wanted for myself right now.  I always planned to have a
child – someday.  You know, when I was in a stable relationship with
someone and my business was fully established, rather than just getting off the
ground."

"In other
words, the timing couldn't be worse."

Anna stared down
at the table, wondering if she had ever in her life felt truly more conflicted
inside.  "No, it really couldn't.  But now that I've been dealt
this hand, I can't pretend otherwise."