To Be With You (9 page)

“I’m sorry I lied to you,” he said, not making eye contact.

She nodded. “I’m sorry I made it necessary.”

“We’ve both been pretty stupid huh?”

“I guess so,” she said. “Gosh, when we were kids, things were simpler, right?”

“At least we had each other then. At least we were honest,” he said, pulling up sand and throwing it to the side. “It’s easier to need someone when you’re a kid.”

“I’m not sure,” she said. “I don’t know if I’ve ever been okay needing someone.”

Sean shrugged.

The ocean seemed like a shiny, wrinkled reflection of the sky. It tossed and she closed her eyes to enjoy sea spray on her eyelids. “I think I’m starting to want to depend on someone, but I don’t know how.” She opened her eyes and blinked. “Why did you do all of this? What did you hope to accomplish?”

Sean sucked in his cheeks and tilted his head to the side. “I was trying to figure that out myself tonight. At first I just wanted to protect you. But honestly, maybe I felt passed over when you decided to go straight from jerks to escorts.”

Nicole felt a crease form between her brows. She shouldn’t be surprised; maybe she’d known this all along. After all, why would a man go so far for her if he didn’t want something?

“Before you accuse me of being like everyone else who is just trying to trick and use you, you should know that I never wanted anything in return for being your friend. It’s not that I did everything because I wanted more. It’s just that the more I’m around you, the more I want. But I can live without it, as long as we are friends. Can we still be friends?”

She nodded, her jaw tight.

“But I’m not going to chase you,” he said. “And I’m not going to protect you anymore, not unless you ask me to.”

That was new. So now he would abandon her? Simply because he wanted more than she did?

“There are things I’ve been neglecting,” he continued. “Things that would make me a more well-rounded person, the kind of man that a woman would want to be with,” he said. “I’m going to get back to those things, and stop trying to interfere in your life.”

“I see.”

“To answer your earlier question, I moved to Cali when Master Peterson wanted help opening a dojang here. It was a good opportunity, but I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to think I was stalking you.”

She considered it, then nodded. “Will you still come to the club?”

“Yes,” he said. “I’ve made friends there, and I think it’s been a good learning place for me. Hope kind of confronted me tonight.”

“Really?” Nicole asked. This new, honest Sean was easier to talk to and trust, even if he had just admitted to lying to her and wanting more from her than she was ready to give. But he was willing to go without it, even as he admitted he wanted it. That took bravery. More than she had ever had. Somehow he had become stronger than her. She wished she could be like him, so willing to want something you might never have.

“What did she confront you about?”

“What else? You.” He buried both hands in the cool sand. “She thought maybe I was lying to myself about what I wanted.”

“They knew?” Nicole asked.

“Yes,” he said. “They found out when I acted weird around you on your first visit to the club.

“I remember that. You were so awkward.”

“I know,” he said. “I think the club is improving my social skills. Plus it might be a way to meet ladies.”

She laughed. “I don’t know if those are the ladies you want to meet.”

“Ooh, are you going to pretend to be a woman who hires escorts to protect me?”

“Excellent idea, but no,” she said. “I know you can take care of yourself.”

“Touché.”

They sat in silence for a moment, enjoying the sound of the waves.

“I love the ocean. I’ve always wanted to come out here at night,” Nicole said.

“You live near here?” Sean asked. “Ritzy.”

“My aunt does. No way could I afford rent here. I was shocked when I saw you out on the beach.” Nicole thought of the other night, when she’d imagined walking on the beach with him. “Want to walk for a bit?”

“I walked all the way here,” he said. “I’m too tired.”

“Seriously? Can I give you a ride home?”

“You know, that’d be nice.” He stood and brushed sand off his pants, and Nicole did the same. He turned to walk back to the street, but stopped when he realized she wasn’t following. She was watching him, her arms wrapped around her.

“Sean, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the answer you wanted. I’m sorry I skipped over you. I’m just not ready.” She looked down at the sand. “We’ll still be friends after this, right?”

“Of course,” he said, walking back to her. “In fact, I think we’ll be better friends now.”

“How?”

“We’re being honest with each other, and we can see each other in person,” he said. “I think that’s how friendship is supposed to be anyway. It’ll be like when we were kids.”

“I see,” Nicole said. She had needed to hear that. No expectations. She wobbled on the sand and he held out a hand. She almost turned it down, and then decided to grab it. It surrounded hers with warmth.

“Just like old times, right?” He grinned and pulled her along.

“I don’t remember holding hands then.”

“Well, we didn’t have a beach in Idaho with treacherously soft sand.”

She smiled and squeezed his hand. He squeezed it three times and she looked up at him curiously.

“You are supposed to do it four times back,” he said. “Didn’t anyone show you that as a kid?”

“No.” She said. “Why three and then four?”

“Three is ‘I love you,’ four is ‘I love you too.’”

She blushed. “That’s silly.” His hand was warm and large in hers and she felt proud that while she hadn’t been able to say it back, she had at least been able to accept his feelings. They reached the road.

“It’s late. I’ll just go get my keys if you wait here. I’ll just be a minute.”

She unlocked the front door and slipped in, struck by how much had changed tonight. She hoped they would both be this mature with things tomorrow, when they both woke up alone with their own conclusions.

N
icole watched Sean laugh at one of Justin’s jokes and noticed he had dimples. For some reason it made her ache a bit. Thoughts about being with someone like him tried to creep around in her head when she wasn’t guarding against them. But a foggy feeling came soon after, reminding her that she was too damaged. Someone like him was not for her. She looked away from Sean and tried to wipe her mind to a clean slate, one that was only thinking of how to spend the next few hours with her friends and the gorgeous boys in the club.

It’d occurred to her, as she’d bonded with the other women, that this could be addictive. The feeling that these men cared for you, were interested by you, and wanted to be around you, no matter how you acted or looked. Sometimes she wondered if this was really helping her adjust to normal men or just helping her hide from them.

Someone said something that made the group laugh, and Nicole looked up, trying to figure out what it was and look interested so as to not give away that she’d been zoning out.

“What’s so funny?” she asked.

“You missed it,” a woman named Susan said, putting her hand on Sean’s knee. “What did I even say that was so funny?”

“I don’t remember,” Sean said, putting his arm comfortably over the top of the couch where Susan was sitting. His large shoulders pressed against his purple dress shirt. “I think we’re all a bit punchy tonight.”

Justin put his arm similarly over the top of where Nicole sat. “I gotta say I’m glad you two came clean with each other. It’s a lot more fun like this.”

Nicole and Sean locked eyes for a moment.

“Yeah, it is,” Susan said. “Gosh Nicole, how could you not know it was him? This gorgeous face?”

Nicole shrugged. “He’s a lot bigger than he used to be.”

“But you couldn’t have guessed from the face?” Susan pulled Sean’s face down towards hers.

Nicole’s hands itched. She felt a vein on the side of her temple pounding. “Well I tried to, when I first saw him, but he lied.” Nicole glared at Sean and he raised his hands.

“My bad.” He bumped Susan’s hair as he dropped his hands.

“Stop it, that tickles,” Susan said. She pulled his arm down around her shoulder. “That’s better.”

Nicole watched Sean carefully. Why wasn’t he blushing, or trying to move away from her? He simply left his arm there and let his eyes wander around the bar. Nicole didn’t like this new Casanova Sean. But a moment later he excused himself to get a drink, which pulled him out of Susan’s grasp. Nicole felt appeased, then angry at herself for caring what he did with other women. He could do what he wanted.

Sean headed for the drink bar, partly for a drink, partly to get away from Susan. Chuck, one of the longest running hosts, an average looking man with brown hair, was there.

“Can you hand me an apple juice?” Sean leaned on the bar.

“Sure.” Chuck bent to pull one out. “Rough night?”

“You know it,” Sean said. “You know, you could be a bartender with how you read people.”

“I know that if someone wants something stronger than what they usually get, they are probably trying to avoid something. And you always get water.”

“Water is good for you.”

“So is juice.”

“It’s all sugar.”

“You want that apple juice or are you going to whine about it?”

“I want it,” Sean laughed.

Chuck shook his head. “Alright. Well, I’m going get back to my ladies.”

“Thanks again, Chuck,” Sean said. He walked back to the girls with his juice, feeling like a little kid as he tried to poke the tiny straw through the hole. He sat on a different couch facing the women because he didn’t want more awkwardness with Susan. He didn’t want Nicole to think anything was going on there. He frowned. He needed to not worry about that anymore.

“Thanks for asking if we wanted something,” Nicole said, folding her arms and leaning back against Justin.

“Sorry,” Sean replied. “Would you like something? I’m used to you asking if you do.”

“Well, I’d like a juice, Justin,” Nicole said, brushing Justin’s knee with her hand. Sean glared at the offending knee. She should be brushing his knee. He mentally slapped himself for wanting it.

“It would be my pleasure.” Justin stood and saluted.

“Drama queen,” Sean said. “Seriously how can you guys stand so much cheesiness?”

“And when did you become the expert on what women want?” Justin asked. “You stop tricking one for a few days and suddenly you’re Casanova?”

“Maybe I’m just a natural,” Sean said, finishing his juice. “Don’t be jealous.”

Justin laughed. “Okay. I’ll try. It’ll be hard though, seeing as you’re so smooth and worldly now.” He left, and coughed something over his shoulder that sounded like “virgin”.

Sean nearly spat out his juice, but managed to keep it in his cheeks.

“Did he just say virgin?” Susan asked, “Sean—”

“He means our drinks,” Sean said, pushing the ottoman further from the couch. “They’re all virgin.”

“I don’t think that’s what he was saying.” Susan said, scrutinizing Sean.

Sean avoided her eyes. They were pretty, a light amber brown, but Sean preferred a deep root beer color that sometimes looked almost black. He looked over at the root beer eyes to see how they were taking this conversation.

“Sean’s religious,” Nicole said, focused on her bracelet, only looking up for a second to gauge how Sean was doing. “Leave it alone.”

“A religious male escort?”

“Hey,” Justin said, coming back with his drinks for himself and the girls. “We aren’t prostitutes.”

Susan put up her hands defensively. “I’m not saying you are. Would your church really be okay with you working here?”

“Why wouldn’t they be?” Sean said. “There’s nothing wrong with it.”

“I guess,” Susan said, sitting back with her cheeks in her hands. “It seems kind of against principle, selling your attention.”

“Are you saying we’re immoral then?”

“No!” She laughed. “I guess it’s just a very liberal thing to do, and well, liberal isn’t the first thing I think of when I think of church.”

“Ah,” he said.

“So is it one of those things where you can’t have sex before marriage?”

“I don’t want to have sex,” he said. “Not until it’s in the right place and the right time. Which I feel is married.” Sean scoped the room, making sure others hadn’t yet tuned into the conversation. “Anyway, Hope would kill me if she knew we were having this conversation. Let’s change the subject.”

“I agree,” Nicole said. “Leave religion out of it. I’m here to have fun tonight.”

“I think finding out that a super hot guy, who works at a host club, is completely surprising in his views on sex, is fun,” Susan said. “I mean isn’t it ironic, that he’s liberated enough to work here, but stuck in the Stone Age when it comes to sex? Seriously, I’d like to just put him on a shelf somewhere, like a trophy or some kind of relic or oddity.”

Sean glanced at Nicole, who looked like he felt, nervous and bored.

Justin returned with their drinks. “Should we play a game?”

“No,” Susan said. “I’m enjoying talking.”

“You mean pestering Sean,” Nicole said, nudging her friend in the ribs.

“I’m not pestering. I’m just curious,” Susan said. “Besides, I’m the one paying here. The least they can do is answer a few questions.”

Sean shrugged but Justin snorted.

“We are still people. We still get to decide what we want to answer,” Justin perched on Nicole’s chair but didn’t touch her. His pretty face took on a cold, sharp quality.

“Sheesh,” Susan said. “What would you like to do then?”

“Board games?” Justin said, giving them all an evil smile.

The whole group groaned and shook their heads, then, seeing each other’s reactions, laughed.

“Okay what would you all like to do then?” Justin asked.

“Not board games,” Nicole said. “Someone always gets picked on.”

“And that’s probably not a good thing considering someone is already touchy tonight,” Susan said, jerking her head toward Justin.