To Be With You (8 page)

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“I’m not sure I can explain it. It’s taken years of therapy to even talk about it this way. I’m just messed up, I guess.”

“It’s not you,” he said. “It’s the men. Have men really gotten so bad?”

“The ones I tend to attract,” she said.

“What about this childhood friend? You said he still meant something. Has he turned out to be bad?”

“Well, he isn’t attracted to me. I think if I just stay friends with a guy, I’m safe.”

“I don’t think that’s a kind of safe I would want.”

“Well, what do you know?” She waved a hand at the club. “If you were normal you wouldn’t be here right?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He wished his thigh would stop twitching like it always did when he got tense. “It’s a job.”

“Kind of a weird job, don’t you think?”

“Well you’re here too.”

“Fine. So I am,” she said. “I’m trying to face my issues though. In fact I came from a shrink appointment today.”

“How is being here facing your issues? Aren’t you just avoiding the real world?”

“Aren’t you just mister preachy today.” She clicked her tongue. “Sorry, that was terse. I guess you’re right. I am avoiding things.” She sent him a side-glance that seemed to say something, though he didn’t understand what. “At least the men here are honest. They are all men that are just hired out to date women. I won’t get tricked here, and meanwhile, I’ll keep working through therapy to see if one day I can pick the right guys, not the wrong ones.”

He felt his throat constrict, wishing this wasn’t going where it was going.

“I guess what I hate more than anything in the world is being tricked.” She put her piece down at the start position and moved to shuffle the cards. “You know?”

Sean felt like ants were crawling in his underwear. Hearing that he was doing the one thing she hated more than anything in the world, and not being able to react to it was tougher than getting a three point headshot on a third degree black belt.

“I’m sorry you’ve been through so much,” he said. “You don’t deserve that.”

“I know.” She nodded. “Thank you.”

“And we all like you a lot.” Warmth crept up his cheeks and he hoped it didn’t show. “I’m glad you’re here. Maybe after a while here you can start to see what you want and how to look for it.”

“So I should look for people who are like male escorts?”

“We aren’t normal escorts, you know that,” he said. He wanted to put a hand on her hand, because it was clasping her leg like she was in pain. But he didn’t.

“I know,” she said. “You’re way hotter than normal male escorts.” She smiled at him, and patted his hand lightly before moving away and grinning as if she hadn’t.

That did it. He was sure he was full on blushing and she could see it.

“You’re blushing.” She laughed. “I’m kind of jealous. I never blush.”

“You don’t?” he asked. “Does it not show, or do you just not feel the warm feeling at all?”

“I feel the warm feeling, but I just don’t. It must be my olive coloring.”

She turned to watch Justin and the group at the pool table and let out a little sigh that made him jealous.

“Would you like to rejoin the game?” Sean didn’t want the moment to end. He’d been feeling like it was their own little world again, like a bubble surrounded them.

“No,” she said. “Not really in the mood tonight.” She slumped back a bit on her chair.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” she said. “Sometimes I just have bad days. Today Melanie brought up the subject of shrinks because she’s a psych major and it sort of threw me off.”

“We all have bad days,” he said. “But aren’t therapists supposed to make you feel better?”

“So now you’re an expert on therapists?”

“You’re dodging,” he said.

“I guess they should make you feel better,” she said. “But they really dig in, make you think of things you’d rather forget. I guess it’s a lot like lancing a boil. The poison gets out but it hurts like heck.” She tapped her foot on the ground. “I guess talking today just brought memories back that I didn’t really want.”

“Really,” he said. “What do you mean?”

“Haven’t you ever had a time of your life you just want to forget, and so everything that reminds you of it puts you into a funk?”

“I can’t say that I have,” he said. “But I’ve known people who have. Very close friends who have been through some tough stuff.” Again he felt like patting her knee, to sympathize, but didn’t. “I’m sorry you’ve been through something like that.”

“I guess it’s made me who I am.” She put her arms around herself. “I just wish someone could give me answers. Every time I go to therapy, they try to help me fix myself. Sometimes I feel how I did as a kid. I didn’t cause the trouble, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“I wish I had an answer,” he said, wanting to somehow reach out and bridge the gap between them. Hold her in his arms like he hadn’t been able to as a child. Cry with her, laugh with her. But he was lying to her. He was doing what she hated most, and right now he just had to watch her struggle and pretend he was okay with it.

“I know,” she said. “I’m being so depressing. I think I’m just going to go for the night.”

“Are you sure?” He stood. “I’m sorry if I’ve upset you.”

“Not at all. I was flattered you were so interested,” she said. “I hope we can talk again sometime. I’d like to schedule another date.”

“Really?” he said. Then he remembered, a host date. She wasn’t asking him to court her. Just escort her. “I’d like that.”

“Me too,” Nicole smiled. “I’ll talk to Hope, you seem busy.”

“Great. I look forward to it.” But that wasn’t true. Another date would be just another lie. “This time, if we see your ex, can I rough him up a little?”

“I’d rather you didn’t.” She hiked her purse up on her shoulder and waved goodbye to Justin and motioned for Melanie to join her. “I can take care of myself.”

“Alright,” he said. “I’ll try to squash all chivalrous impulses.” He shrugged. “Speaking of which, would I be fired if I told you to drive safely and have a good night?”

“No, that’s fine.” She smiled.

“Good. Drive safe. Make sure one of the guards walks you out.”

“Will do,” she said. She turned to give him one last half smile, put her arm around her cousin’s shoulder, and disappeared through the double doors.

At the end of the shift, Sean entered the dressing room. Hope leaned against the wall with her date book in her hand.

“So Nicole just scheduled a second date with you.”

“Great,” Sean said, folding a shirt. “It’s kind of awkward having you in the dressing room.”

“No one else is changing.”

Sean shrugged. “Did you need something?”

“Did you want to know the date of your date?”

“Sure.”

“You don’t seem that excited about it.”

“What is there to be excited about?” Sean stuffed his clothes into his bag. “I’m tricking my best friend. She’s going on a date with me as a male escort, not as me.”

Hope sat on a small dresser and clasped her hands on a raised knee. “What were you expecting as an outcome?”

Sean stopped and glared at her. “I don’t know. I’m stupid I guess. I wanted to keep her safe, but now I’m realizing I could really hurt her.”

“Are you sure that’s the problem? Maybe you didn’t really do this to keep her safe. Maybe you did it to get a chance with her.” Hope bit her lip and shook her head. “You might want to think that one over.”

“It’s a little late for that,” he said.

“Maybe you should just tell her, and pursue her like a normal dude.” Hope shook her head and put a finger up to her temple.

“She’s never seen me like that,” he said. “I guess it was easier to just assume she needed me, and that overrode everything else.” He sat across from her and put his head in his hands.

“And now you see she’s fully capable of taking care of herself,” Hope said.

“I don’t think anyone is,” Sean said.

“Even you?” Hope asked. “It’s okay to need someone. It’s the epitome of arrogance to try to make someone need you while insisting you don’t need anyone.”

Sean felt her comment like a dagger. He thanked her and picked up his bag to head out the front door. He bypassed the elevator and took the stairs. He needed the thudding of his shoes, the steady balance of swinging arms, and the rush of hard breathing at the end.

He fled out the stairwell exit and stopped at the dark parking lot. Everything, from the glistening black pavement wet from a night of rain, to the black sky in the distance, seemed cold and unwelcoming. He didn’t want to go to his car, didn’t want to go home. Needed some time to think.

The whole situation had started getting overwhelming, like a video game where the screen moves and tries to crush you if you don’t move fast enough. He thought of places he did want to go: The beach. The dojang. But both needed the car, and he just couldn’t lock himself in with his own thoughts and no room to breathe.

Everything had seemed simpler, if lonelier, before. Calls on Sunday to the family, time at the dojang, reading at home, and of course Nicole’s emails to assure him that he was involved in the world and had at least one friend. Sean crossed the street and walked in the darkness.

Why did he feel that Nicole wouldn’t want him outside of as a protector? Hope said he should pursue her for real. But that seemed impossible. What would she be interested in? He crossed the street and headed in the direction of the nearest beach, which was still about five miles away. He wished it was colder, wished it would rain again.

Sean relished sensation, enjoyed being more aware of what was happening externally rather than internally. But between Nicole and Hope and their displeasure with him today, he felt like he couldn’t keep his finger on his unraveling self-image without searching a bit for the loose thread.

He’d walked for hours when he finally came to a barrier that separated beach from road. He stepped over it easily. His feet sunk into the sand and he didn’t care that his dress shoes would probably be beyond repair after this.

He walked until he had a good enough view of the ocean and sat down, watching it. He slowed his breathing, trying to calm his racing thoughts and feelings, and asked himself the main question of the night. Why had he done all of this in the first place? How selfish was he really?

He’d been bored. He’d been wondering how to take another step with Nicole. He’d been empty. But he could swear that wasn’t all it was. He’d felt something, a yearning, an anxiety, when she talked about hiring a host. But was it really because she was unsafe, or because he felt slighted by being skipped in her options of guys? Perhaps he’d always used her as his ruler of what he wanted in a woman, maybe he’d always wanted to please her, and he’d done all of this as a misguided way to finally do that.

Another navy blue wave crashed on the dark sand. Sean looked up at the dark horizon and the roiling water beneath it. He felt soothed by the sound of crashing waves. There was so little he could control. Someone had once told him the only person you could control was yourself, and he was seeing that now. He needed to stop chasing Nicole and start working on himself. He’d given her too much power in his life. In some ways, no matter how he denied it, he was still that eleven-year-old boy begging to be the hero. Why would she want to be with someone like that, someone she couldn’t respect? If he just took care of himself, tried to be as independent as she was, maybe he could develop a confidence that didn’t depend on her. Then he’d really have something to offer.

He made a decision in that moment. To let her go, so that if she came to him it would be on her own. He pulled up a handful of sand and smiled at it as it fell through the gaps in his fingers. He would tell her everything, and then he’d give her space, emotionally at least. And he’d go to poker night with his friends next week.

Nicole was toweling her hair when she happened to look out of her window to the beach. She saw a man there, sitting in the sand. She looked closer, trying to decide if he needed help, or the police called. Homeless people didn’t often find their way down to this beach, and there were plenty of shelters. Maybe the man was drunk, in which case he was a danger to himself near the ocean like that.

But as she stared at the man, a disturbed feeling came over her, and she could swear he was familiar. Nicole had sharp vision and that build and that hair were—no that was impossible. What was he doing here? Did he know where she lived too? Had he gone insane after she’d acted like such a crazy person at the club tonight? She ran her fingers through her hair, threw on a T-shirt and shorts, and headed downstairs and out towards the beach.

She nearly tripped on the barrier, but continued towards the man. As she got closer, she could see the man’s shoulders rising and falling. Was he crying? No, laughing.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

The man turned to her, handsome and resigned in the moonlight, his face like the face Sean had the day she left him in Idaho.

“What are you doing out here? How did you know where I live?”

“I didn’t. I was just walking,” he said. His eyes moved from her to the road. “What are you doing out this late? It isn’t safe.”

“Oh, but it is for you.”

“My hypocrisies in that area have already been pointed out tonight, thanks.”

Nicole came closer. She wanted to just get everything in the open between them, just get the farce out of the way and talk as friends. “I know it’s you, Sean.”

He froze, and his eyes widened.

“I’ve known since the reception.”

“How?”

“The way you smiled when you saw me.” She sat by him and gave his knee a playful shove. “I’m sorry if you thought this was going to just go on and on, but you’ve always had a certain smile.”

“I see,” He leaned back on his arms. “It was a stupid plan from the start.”

Nicole watched the muscles lengthen and his shirt stretch across his chest. His profile in the moonlight seemed carved in stone, all hard lines.

“I don’t know about it being stupid,” she said. “It was actually pretty well executed.” She watched the ocean, happy to see the detail she usually missed from the window. “Now you can tell me how you ended up in Cali and why you did all of this.”