Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (8 page)

The White Rabbit drew himself up, looking ruffled, and led her down the hall without another word. Alice followed him through winding passages and down cold stone staircases lined with musty tapestries. Finally, he pushed open a creaking wooden door and led her out into a wide courtyard. He stopped outside the stables and pointed with one trembling white paw.

“The sword's hidden inside. Be careful, Alice,” he said.

Alice bent down to push the door open. A horrible stench hit her nostrils, and both she and the White Rabbit covered their faces, trying not to gag.

“I know that smell,” Alice said in a muffled voice suffused with horror.

Sure enough, when she'd worked up the courage to look inside, she spotted the Bandersnatch lying in its stall with its huge ugly bulldog head on its paws. It moaned, clawing at the blood-soaked straw underneath it. Even in the dim light, Alice could see the empty socket oozing blood and goop where the eye had been.

“I'm not going in there!” Alice cried. “Look what that thing did to my arm!” She held out her scratched arm and noticed that the wound had gotten much worse. It was larger and very swollen, with angry red welts rising around the scratches.

The White Rabbit gasped and clapped his paws to his face in horror. “Dear, oh, dear!” he fretted. “Why haven't you mentioned this?”

Alice studied her arm, tilting it back and forth in the moonlight. “It wasn't this bad before,” she pointed out.

The Rabbit's breath was coming in fast pants. He flapped his paws as if trying to revive himself, but in the end he failed and fell over in a dead faint.

Well, that's useful, Alice thought wryly, looking down at the collapsed rabbit. She looked back at the castle, considering her next move.

It took some searching, but eventually she found Mallymkun. The Dormouse was standing in an upstairs hall, looking into a room; then she shut the door. “Hatter, where are you? Hatter?” she called out in a whisper.

“Mallymkun!” Alice called, hurrying up. “Do you still have the Bandersnatch eye?”

“Right here,” said the Dormouse, hitching up her maid's skirt to reveal that she was wearing her breeches underneath. The Bandersnatch eye still hung at her waist.

“I need it,” Alice said.

“Come and get it!” Mallymkun replied.

Alice quickly and easily grabbed the eye from the Dormouse.

“Hey! Give it back,” the Dormouse said, drawing her hatpin sword and brandishing it dangerously.

But Alice missed the Dormouse's threat; she was running pell-mell down the long staircases, hoping she remembered the right way to the stables.

Alice sensed someone behind her, practically breathing down her neck. She tried to move away, but he grabbed the arm that had been scratched by the Bandersnatch. Alice let out a yelp of pain. Ignoring her cry, the man pushed her against the wall. It was Stayne, the Knave.

“I like you, Um,” he murmured. “I like largeness.”

He leaned in for a kiss as Lady Long Ears went past.

“Get away from me!” Alice cried, kicking Stayne as hard as she could. She didn't look back as she ran away, but she could feel the heat of his glare all the way down the hall.

Finally, Alice found a familiar-looking door and stumbled out into the paved courtyard. The White Rabbit still lay prone on the cobblestones. Alice hurried past him and held her breath as she entered the stable.

The Bandersnatch saw her coming and growled fiercely. Even wounded, it was terrifying. Its shark-like teeth gnashed as if it were daring her to come closer and get eaten.

“I have your eye,” said Alice, holding it aloft.

The monster's demeanor changed instantly. Its tail lashed along the floor and it whined, leaning toward the eye with a piteous expression. Alice slowly lifted the bar of the stall door and eased inside. She held out the eye and he whined again, scrabbling toward it across the straw. Alice carefully put it near him on the floor, and he started sniffing it frantically. With another whine, he pulled the eye closer with his paws to examine it more closely.

While he was distracted, Alice squeezed past him to the back of the stall, where she found a low rectangular object covered by a tarp. When she pulled the tarp back, it revealed an ornate metal chest—exactly the sort of thing one might keep a Vorpal Sword in.

Unfortunately, it was secured with a large lock . . . exactly what one might use to keep Vorpal Sword– stealers
out
. Sweating and shivering, poisoned by her wound, she tugged at the lock.

Disheartened and feverish, Alice slumped to the ground. She'd been running on adrenaline, but the pain in her arm was starting to catch up with her. She felt feverish and woozy. She could barely muster the strength to pull back her sleeve and look at the swollen, infected wound again. Carefully, she tried touching it, but pulled back quickly with a stifled cry of pain.

The Bandersnatch was still busy fussing over his eye, but that couldn't last all night. Sweating and shivering, Alice pulled at the lock, then halfheartedly kicked it with frustration. Her vision was starting to dim. She blinked, shaking her head.

And the world went black.

The sun was peering over the distant hills, lighting flurries of dust from the red desert below. Inside the castle, the Red Queen stood in front of one of her mirrors, wearing one of the Hatter's enormous red hats. The Hatter tilted his head, regarding her with aloof disdain.

“No,” the Queen said, removing the hat.

The Queen's courtiers gasped with forced delight and began to flutter around her.

“You are stunning in that hat!” cried the man with the enormous belly.

“Yes. Next,” the Queen said.

The Hatter took off the Queen's hat and replaced it with another—this one featuring a huge brim that hid half her face. The Hatter smiled with satisfaction.

“Your Majesty has never looked better,” cooed the woman with the gigantic nose. “Another,” the Queen said. But before the Hatter could hat her head again, Lady Large Nose's nose fell to the floor.

“You dropped something,” the Hatter said.

The woman's eyes widened as she realized what had happened. She felt for her nose, but found only her actual nose, which was quite a normal size. With a gasp, she grabbed the fake and quickly turned away to reattach it.

The Hatter's eyes narrowed suspiciously. Now he spotted the straps above the man's pants which held his false protruding belly in place. The woman turned back around with her long nose reattached, and the Hatter laughed out loud, not a mad laugh this time, but one of genuine amusement. The courtiers gave him a nervous look.

“Oh. Never mind him,” the Queen said from under her hat, having missed the whole exchange. “He's mad.” She waved one hand dismissively. “Come along.”

The female courtier with the long ears came rushing into the room. She hurried over and whispered into the Queen's ear. The Queen's face became redder and redder as she listened. Finally she bellowed, “STAYNE!” and everyone within hearing distance was quite happy he was not the Knave of Hearts.

Meanwhile, down in the stables, Alice was just waking up to find the ominous visage of the Bandersnatch looming over her. Somehow he'd managed to shove his eye back into its socket, where it now stared upward uselessly. And yet this seemed to please the creature—so much so that he hadn't eaten Alice in her sleep.

Alice noticed a large key on a chain hanging around the Bandersnatch's neck. It must be the key to the chest! Keeping her eyes on the Bandersnatch, she reached for it, then froze as the monster lowered his head to sniff her arm and the wound he'd inflicted. A sharp bolt of pain ran up to her shoulder, but she refused to be deterred. Reaching forward again, she pulled the key off his neck.

But before she could turn to the chest, the Bandersnatch's long, thin tongue coiled out of its mouth. He began to gently lick her wound, and to her surprise, his tongue was soothing and cool. With a sigh, she let him lick the wound clean. When he stopped, the infection was miraculously gone and the swelling had gone down. Alice moved her arm around, realizing the pain was gone, too.

The Bandersnatch tilted his head at her, one eye askew.

“I suppose this makes us even now,” said Alice, but she had to admit to herself that she now felt quite a bit more warmed to the horrible, toothy creature.

The key slid perfectly into the lock on the chest, and when Alice lifted the lid, she found a gleaming sword inside. She knew instantly that it was the Vorpal Sword—no other sword could be so beautiful. It was made of shiny silver with an ornate handle. Alice lifted it up to the light and saw runes engraved on the blade.

The Bandersnatch shuffled aside to let her leave the stall, and Alice found herself patting him on the nose as she went by. She carried the sword out into the courtyard, unaware of the peril that was waiting for her back inside the castle. . . .

* * *

“Um forced herself on me!” the Knave lied, talking fast. He knelt before the Queen in the great hall, surrounded by curious courtiers and footfrogs who were rather enjoying the spectacle of the great Knave of Hearts in trouble for once.

“I told her my heart belongs to you,” Stayne wheedled, taking the Queen's hand. “But she's obsessed with me!”

The Queen turned bright red with rage. “Off with her head!” she screamed.

In the Queen's dressing room, the Dormouse was trying to pick the lock of the chain around the Hatter's ankles. Her hatpin kept bending in the sturdy lock, and she made a small noise of irritation.

“Stand back, Mallymkun!” said a voice from the door.

The Dormouse and the Hatter both looked up at once. Standing in the doorway was Alice, victoriously wielding the Vorpal Sword high over her head. She gave the Hatter a triumphant look.

“How's this for
muchness
?” Alice asked. She swung the sword toward his chain.

“No! No!” cried the Hatter, wrenching the chain out of her way. Alice staggered forward and blinked at him in surprise. He hurried on, trying to explain. “It mustn't be used for anything but—”

“Arrest that girl for unlawful seduction!” cried another voice. The Knave of Hearts stood in the doorway, pointing at Alice. His Red Knights clattered in behind him and headed straight for her.

“Hatter!” called the Dormouse. Alice raised the sword to fight, but—

“Take it to the White Queen!” the Hatter cried.

“I'm not leaving without you!” Alice objected.

“Go!” he called out.

But Alice was hesitant. The Hatter grabbed two bolts of fabric and threw them, knocking the Red Knights down. The Knave then unsheathed his sword. The Hatter picked up a mannequin and used it to block Stayne's blows. Stayne hovered over him, driving him back against the table. The Hatter reached over his shoulder and grabbed a powder puff. He paused for only a moment before he began to swipe Stayne across his face. Then the Knave grabbed the manequin and threw it over his shoulder. Quickly, the Hatter spun around and grabbed a perfume bottle with a sprayer and, brandishing it, jumped on a chair to bring himself to the same height as the Knave.

“Run, Alice!” the Dormouse called out.

Stayne stopped dead, and the Dormouse recognized her mistake immediately. The Knave looked at Alice, revelation spreading across his face.

“Alice?” he said slowly.

“RUN!” bellowed the Hatter.

Alice had no choice. She fled out the door with the Knights in hot pursuit.

Stayne's voice boomed down the hall.

“SEIZE HER!”

Alice burst out into the courtyard with Stayne and the Knights right behind her. She pounded across the cobblestones, but before she could reach the front gate, another squadron of Knights galloped out in front of her.

She skidded to a stop, surrounded by Red Knights on all sides. Alice swung the sword in a circle, keeping them all at a distance. Her hair was tumbling into her face and her makeshift curtain dress kept tripping her as she spun.

Stayne's malevolent chuckle sent a chill down her spine. Alice turned to face him, holding the sword as threateningly as she could.

“Alice,” the Knave sneered. “Of course! Why didn't I see it? Well, it has been a long time.” He looked her over from her toes to her large head towering over him. “And you were such a little tyke then.” His expression became cold as he held out his hand. “Give me the sword.”

“Stay back!” Alice cried, slashing at him. But with her attention focused on Stayne, she didn't see the Knights coming up behind her until two of them had grabbed her arms. She fought and kicked and struggled, never letting go of the sword hilt.

“The Queen will be so pleased,” said the Knave. “She'll take great pleasure in taking off your head. I believe she wants to do the deed herself.”

One of the Knights wrenched Alice's right arm toward him and reached for the sword.

“
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
.”

A thunderous growl rolled out of the stable door, and suddenly the Bandersnatch leaped out, as bloodthirsty and menacing as ever. Alice flinched and threw herself to the ground, but the monster soared right over her, biting and snapping at the Knights who had held her. Instantly the Knights scattered, yelling in fear.

The Bandersnatch circled back and lowered his head to Alice. It took her a moment to realize what was happening, but as soon as she did, she jumped to her feet and climbed onto his back. His fur was as warm as the bloodhound's, but spikier, as if tiny needles were embedded in it. She clung to his collar with one hand and held the sword aloft with the other as Stayne and the Knights stared, astonished.

The Bandersnatch bolted across the drawbridge and out of the castle. Any Knights standing in their way abandoned their posts with screams of terror. Alice held on tight as they galloped out into the red desert, to freedom.

On a nearby hill, she saw a familiar friend waiting for them.

“Ho, Alice!” he cried, his long ears flapping and his sad face lighting up with startled delight.

“Bayard!” she called. “To Marmoreal!”

The Knave of Hearts breathlessly entered the Red Queen's throne room. He knew this was not going to be a pleasant conversation.

The Red Queen was waiting at the base of her throne, pacing angrily. Her face was fiery red and her fists were clenched. She whirled to glare at the Knave as he walked up to her and bowed.

“Majesty,” he said, “Alice has escaped.”

In a fury, the Queen slapped him.

“On the Bandersnatch,” he added.

She slapped him again. He steeled himself for more.

“With the Vorpal Sword.”

The Red Queen slapped him harder than she'd ever slapped him before. He gritted his teeth. The indignities he had to put up with! If only he could be king with no queen anywhere in sight . . .

“How could you let this happen?” she bellowed.

“I may have underestimated her,” he admitted, although it pained him to confess such a thing. “But we have her conspirators: the Hatter and the Dormouse.”

The Queen's rage seemed to fill the entire great hall.

“OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”

The White Queen's castle was nothing like her sister's. Where the Red Queen's castle was dark and oppressive, the White Queen's was light and airy.

Sunshine spilled through the open windows, and sweet breezes carried the sound of birds' chattering from outside. A flood of relief coursed through her as she entered the beautiful throne room and saw the Queen sitting on her throne. Everything about her kind face made Alice feel that perhaps this dreadful nightmare would turn out all right in the end.

“Welcome to Marmoreal,” said the White Queen, smiling down at Alice and the Vorpal Sword.

“I believe this belongs to you,” Alice said. She bowed and held the weapon up for her. The Queen took it with a nod of thanks and strolled gracefully over to the White Knight's shining silver suit of armor, which was set up prominently near the throne. She placed the sword in the suit's hand and turned back to Alice, beaming.

“The Vorpal Sword is home again,” she said softly. “The armor is complete. Now all we need is a champion.”

The Queen gave Alice a significant look. Alice dropped her eyes and didn't respond. Finally, the Queen went on. “You're a little taller than I thought you'd be.”

This Alice did have an answer for. “Blame it on too much
Upelkuchen
,” she said, smiling.

“Ah, come with me,” said the White Queen, sweeping her long silver robes behind her. Alice followed her down to the kitchen, where delicious smells mingled with the sounds of pots and pans and people singing as they worked.

As they entered, an entire pot of soup was thrown at the door. Alice blinked at the wreckage of the mill. “Is the March Hare here?” she asked, guessing.

“You're late for soup, you wee besom!” bellowed the Hare from across the room. He picked up another pot of soup, and the White Queen ducked. The soup splattered on the door behind Alice. She touched one finger to the wall for a taste.

“It could use salt,” she offered.

A saltshaker came flying at her, and Alice ducked to avoid it.

Alice followed the White Queen over to a large cast-iron stove, where a heavy pot full of a curious-smelling liquid was bubbling. The Queen took ingredients from a nearby cupboard, murmuring to herself.

Alice wrinkled her nose, wondering if it might be better if she didn't hear this. She could see a lot of strange-looking things inside the cupboard— ordinary herbs and spices were lined up alongside glass jars of eyeballs and bottles full of shredded insect parts.

The White Queen glanced up at Alice with a smile. “Ah,
pishalver
. Let me think. A pinch of wormfat, urine of the horsefly, buttered fingers . . .” Her face turned thoughtful again as she reached back into the cupboard. “My sister preferred to study Dominion Over Living Things. Tell me, how does she seem to you?”

“Perfectly horrid,” Alice answered truthfully.

“And her head?”

“Bulbous,” said Alice.

“I think she may have some kind of growth in there . . . something pressing on her brain,” the White Queen said, shaking her head sadly. “Three coins from a dead man's pocket, two tablespoons of wishful thinking . . .”

“You can't imagine the things that go on in that place,” Alice blurted. She couldn't understand how the White Queen could sit here, calmly making potions and discussing theories, while her subjects suffered so much under the Red Queen.

“Oh, yes, I can,” the Queen assured her. “But when a champion steps forth to slay the Jabberwocky, the people will rise against her.” She leaned over and sniffed the nasty concoction in the pot, then spit into it. “That should do it.”

The White Queen fished a spoon out of a drawer, dipped it in the potion, and offered it to Alice. “Blow,” she cautioned her.

Alice blew on the potion to cool it off, then took a sip. She knew better than to drink too much this time. Within a moment, she had shrunk to her normal size—or at least, she felt normal next to the White Queen, so she seemed right to herself. She wondered how she would measure up out in the real world, if she ever got back there.

“Feel better?” asked the Queen.

“Much,” said Alice.

The Queen replaced the spoon in the pot and dusted her hands off, looking suddenly official and businesslike. “There's someone here who would like to speak with you.”