Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (9 page)

Down in the depths of the Red Queen's dungeons, the Hatter was slumped on the floor of a cold cell, staring off into space. Mallymkun was trapped inside a large birdcage hanging from the ceiling. She clung to the wiry iron bars and gazed at him, but he was beyond her reach at the moment, both physically and emotionally.

She peered into the cell across the way, where a female bloodhound named Bielle was pacing around her shivering pups, trying desperately to warm them. Mallymkun was fairly certain she recognized her as Bayard's wife, but Bielle was too upset to stop and talk with the Dormouse long enough to confirm it.

Just then, the clomp of heavy footsteps on the dungeon stairs announced the arrival of Stayne and his Red Knights. Bielle whirled and stared at the approaching guards, although they ignored her and her pups.

“Hatter!” barked the Knave, banging on the bars of the cage. There was no response. The Hatter continued to stare blindly into space.

One of the Knights reached through the bars and prodded the Hatter with his truncheon. When there was still no response, the Knight offered, “He's gone off the deep end.” This was the usual opinion of the Hatter, so it surprised no one.

“Pity,” said the Knave. He folded his arms and smirked. “It is a bore to behead a madman. No weeping, no begging . . .” He cast a meaningful look at the dogs in the opposite cage. Bielle hurled herself against the bars, her large brown eyes pleading.

“Why are you keeping us here?” she cried. “We've done nothing wrong!”

“Madam, blame your husband,” Stayne said with a snort. “He left you here to rot.”

“You lie!” howled the bloodhound, throwing herself at the bars with new fury and snarling at the Knights. Stayne jumped back out of her reach, and in an instant, the Hatter was up and at the bars, seizing Stayne and pulling him back against the cage. His arm went around Stayne's neck, and he began to squeeze, choking the life out of him.

There was madness in the Hatter's eyes, and he clearly felt no pain as Stayne struggled. Finally Stayne staggered free, gasping.

The Knave clawed at his neck, struggling for air, and when he could finally breathe, he pointed at the Hatter with hatred in his eyes. “Your head comes off at dawn! And that one, too!” He jabbed a finger toward the Dormouse.

The Hatter shrugged and spread his hands in a concilitory gesture.

“Have a pleasant night,” he sneered, then spun on his heel and led his Knights out of the dungeon.

The unspoken words were clear to the prisoners:
It will be your last.

The White Queen escorted Alice out of the castle to the topiary garden. Alice felt restless and worried. As horrible as it was, she wished she were back at the Red Queen's castle, just so she could know what was happening with the Hatter. Was he still alive? Were they beating him again? What did he think of her escaping and leaving him to suffer whatever punishment the Queen would throw at him?

Guilt tugged at her heart as she rounded a curve in the hedge maze. Just ahead, lit up by the moonlight, she spotted a topiary mushroom, neat curves and edges sliced out of the shrubbery. A telltale plume of smoke was rising from the top.

“Absolem?” Alice asked, walking up to it.

The large blue Caterpillar raised his head from his hookah and peered at her. “Who are you?” he asked through a cloud of smoke.

Alice nearly smiled. “I thought we'd settled this. I'm Alice . . . but not
that
one.”

“How do you know?” Absolem asked serenely. He blew smoke in her face and she coughed, waving it away.

“You said so yourself,” she pointed out.

“I said you were Not Hardly Alice,” he corrected her. “But you're much more her now. In fact, you're Almost Alice.”

“Even so,” said Alice, shaking her head, “I couldn't slay the Jabberwocky if my life depended on it.”

“It will,” the Caterpillar said matter-of-factly.

“So I suggest you keep the Vorpal Sword on hand when the Frabjous Day arrives.”

Fed up and curious, Alice reached out and poked the Caterpillar's jiggly blue belly. His eyes nearly popped out with surprise.

“No touching!” he yelped. “There's no touching!”

“You seem so real,” Alice said thoughtfully. “Sometimes I forget that this is all a dream.”

The Caterpillar blew smoke in her face again, as if he thought that was the only appropriate response to such a remark.

“Will you stop doing that!” Alice protested, waving the smoke away. Absolem began to chuckle, sending ripples of mirth along his entire round body. She could still hear him chuckling as the smoke enveloped him, hiding him from view, and she turned to walk back into the night.

Back in the Red Queen's dungeon, the Hatter was dusting off his hat and trying to get his sad clothes to perk up. He didn't want to go to his execution looking like a disheveled mess.

“I've always admired that hat,” purred a smooth voice from outside the bars.

The Hatter looked up and saw the Cheshire Cat lounging against the stone wall. His eyes narrowed. “Hello, Chess.”

The Cat's tail whisked back and forth. He stroked one of his long whiskers and studied the Hatter's efforts to rehabilitate his outfit. “Since you won't be needing it anymore,” he said after a moment, “would you consider bequeathing it to me?”

The Hatter touched his beloved hat and raised his chin with dignity. “How dare you! It is a formal execution. I want to look my best, you know.”

The Cheshire Cat fell silent for another minute. Finally he sighed. “It's a pity about all this. I was looking forward to seeing you
Futterwacken
.”

“I was rather good at it, was I not?” said the Hatter ruefully.

The Cheshire Cat's feline eyes glowed intently. “I really do love that hat,” he purred. “I would wear it to all the finest occasions.”

His eyes met the Hatter's, and they stared at each other for a long, thoughtful moment.

Hours later, the Hatter and the Dormouse, their heads bowed in resignation, were marched out of the cell and down the long walk to the executioner's platform. A crowd was gathered in the outside courtyard to watch them pass, including the White Rabbit and the Tweedles, who stared at the prisoners with glum faces. The Queen watched from a high balcony, ignoring the misery on the faces of the crowd.

“I love a morning execution. Don't you?” the Queen said.

“Yes, Your Majesty,” the courtiers responded all together.

The Hatter stepped forward first, pushing the Dormouse behind him. The burly executioner loomed over them both, his face hidden by the usual thick executioner's mask. The Hatter rested his head on the beheading stone. The executioner reached for the Hatter's tophat, and the Hatter leaned away from him.

“I'd like to keep it on,” he mumbled.

The executioner shrugged. “Suit yourself,” he said. “As long as I can get at your neck.” The executioner moved the hat's ribbons away from the Hatter's neck.

“I'm right behind you,” the Dormouse squeaked bravely.

“Off with his head!” the Red Queen bellowed.

The White Rabbit covered his eyes. “I can't watch,” he moaned.

The executioner raised his sword high into the air. The morning sun gleamed off the sharp edge. A frightened hush fell over the crowd, and in the silence they could all hear the zip of the sword as it flashed down, followed by a
CLANG
as it hit the stone where the Hatter's neck had been.

Everyone gasped, including the Queen and Stayne.

The Hatter's head . . .

. . . had
disappeared
.

The sound of the sword hitting the stone was still reverberating through the courtyard. The executioner stepped back, wincing and touching his muscles where the shock had jarred him.

The Tweedles stared at each other in disbelief, almost daring one another to disagree about what had just happened.

Then, the Rabbit looked up. Before him was what looked like a floating head, with no body attached at all. Then it all became clear. It was the Cheshire Cat's disembodied head wearing the Hatter's hat! He hovered there before them all and grinned. “Good morning, everyone!”

“Chess, you dog!” the Dormouse cried in delight.

He winked at her. The sound of the Hatter's familiar laugh drifted across the courtyard, and everyone turned to find him perched on a balustrade near the Queen's courtiers.

“Madam,” the Hatter called cheerfully. “You are being heinously bamboozled by these lickspittle toadies you surround yourself with!” He reached out and tugged lightly on Lady Long Ears' nearest ear. It promptly came off in his hand, and Lady Long Ears screamed. The Hatter held up the ear and the Red Queen squinted at it from her balcony.

“What is that?” she demanded.

Terrified, Lady Long Ears lashed out to defend herself. “I'm not the only one, Majesty,” she shrieked. “Look!” She grabbed the enormous nose of the woman beside her and pulled. It came off with a noisy
squck
, revealing her real, ordinary-size nose underneath.

“A counterfeit nose!” blustered Big Belly Man. “You should be ashamed!”

“Me?” Lady Large Nose yelled. “What about that big belly you're so proud of?” Before he could escape her prying hands, she grabbed his shirt and pulled it up to reveal his fake belly. As the Hatter had expected, they were remarkably quick to turn on each other.

And as he'd also expected, the Red Queen was mightily displeased to find her courtiers were conspiring against her. In fact, she was nearly apoplectic with rage by this point. “Liars! Cheats! Falsifiers! Off with their heads!”

Pandemonium broke out. The Hatter leaped to a high ledge and called to the creatures below. “To the abused and enslaved of the Red Queen's court, stand up and fight! Rise up against the bloody Red Queen!”

Monkeys threw off their tabletops and chair seats, screeching their defiance. A frog holding a tray of tarts tossed them up into the air. Birds dropped their lamps and coasted down to land on their legs, resting their exhausted wings. All across the courtyard and inside the palace, creatures threw off their bonds and took up the battle cry.

“
Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid!
” they shouted. The phrase echoed off the flagstones and filled the morning air. “
Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid!
”

Infuriated, the Red Queen clutched the balcony railing and stamped her foot. “RELEASE THE JUBJUB BIRD!” she screamed.

A bloodcurdling screech cut through the cries of defiance as the JubJub Bird swooped down from his aerie. He clawed and snapped indiscriminately, sowing death through the panicked onlookers below. The Queen watched with a vengeful smile.

“You're right, Stayne,” she said fiercely. “It is far better to be feared than loved.”

But what she did not see in the chaos below was a small crowd, including the Hatter, the Dormouse, the White Rabbit, and the Tweedles, gathering to escape.

“Come boys, quickly,” the Hatter called.

“Hatter!” said the Dormouse.

“Come on, Mally. Quickly! Come on! Come on!” he responded.

They darted away from the JubJub Bird's death-dealing talons and made for the drawbridge . . . and freedom.

“Prepare the Jabberwocky for battle,” the Queen commanded. “We're going to visit my little sister.”

On the other side of Underland, Alice stood on the parapet of the White Queen's castle with Bayard and the White Queen. They were watching the stars come out in the evening sky, each with their own growing sense of unease.

“I had hoped to have a champion by now,” the White Queen said, a little pointedly.

“Why don't you slay the Jabberwocky yourself?” Alice asked. “You must have the power,” she said.

“In the healing arts,” said the Queen, shaking her head. “It is against my vows to bring harm to any living creature,” she added with a hint of melodrama in her voice. Alice shrugged and looked back out at the landscape below. The Queen spotted a hideous bug flying near her face, and swiped it away, then pretended to pirouette so as not to be caught breaking her “vow.”

Then something caught the Queen's eye in the distance. She lifted her spyglass.

“We have company,” she said, handing her spyglass to Alice.

Alice focused the spyglass on the bluffs. Her heart leaped as she saw the Hatter, the Dormouse, and a host of other creatures running over the rise. They were safe! She hadn't left them to die after all!

She also spotted something else. “Have a look, Bayard,” she said.

The bloodhound's long ears drooped on either side of the instrument as he peered through. It took him a moment, but finally he spotted the female bloodhound and pups who were running with the rest of them.

“Bielle!” he cried, overwhelmed with joy. He spun around to race down to the entrance courtyard, and Alice followed him, her golden hair flying out behind her as she ran.

Bayard reached the courtyard first, just as the group came across the drawbridge. He galloped up to his wife and pups, and they all leaped around, whinnying and nuzzling each other joyfully. The White Rabbit pressed his paws together with delight.

The Tweedles rushed to the White Queen, who was happy to see them. She kissed each of them, leaving lipstick marks on their foreheads.

Alice's eyes went straight to the Hatter. His clothes were bright and happy, reflecting the delight on his face. She ran up and threw her arms around him. “I'm so happy to see you!” she cried. “I thought they were going to—”

“So did I!” he interrupted her enthusiastically. “But they didn't.” His voice started to speed up again, and he clutched her hands as if he might never let go. “And now, here I am . . . still in one piece . . . and I'm rather glad about that now that I'm seeing you again . . . I would have regretted not seeing you again . . . especially now that you're you and the proper size . . . and it's a good size . . . it's a great size . . . it's a right-proper Alice size . . .”

“Hatter,” Alice said kindly. He snapped back into the moment.

“Size, Fez . . . I'm fine,” he said, blinking strange eyes at her. And it was true, he
was
fine, even though Alice had been afraid she'd never see him again. She felt too full of happiness to say what she really wanted to.

“Where's your hat?” she asked. She curiously touched his curly red hair.

They both jumped as the top hat suddenly materialized in the air beside them, followed slowly by the head of the Cheshire Cat underneath it, then the rest of him.

“Chessur?” Alice said.

“How's the arm, luv?” the Cat purred.

“All healed,” she said, showing him how the swelling had gone down. The scratches were already almost entirely gone.

The Hatter held out his hand for the hat, and the Cheshire Cat reluctantly returned it. “Good-bye, sweet hat,” he murmured.

As the Hatter replaced it in its rightful place on his head, he glanced at Alice again, and they shared a smile that said more than any words could have.

Night had fallen again, and the escaped creatures from the Red Queen's castle were safely tucked away in various corners of the White Queen's home.

Up on a high tower, beneath the stars, Alice sat with the Hatter, their legs swinging over a long drop below.

“Have you any idea why a raven's like a writing desk?” the Hatter asked dreamily.

“Let me think about it!” Alice said, smiling.

He shifted to gaze into her eyes. “You know what tomorrow is, don't you?” he said.

“Frabjous Day,” Alice said with a sigh. The whole castle had been murmuring and whispering and chattering about it all day. “How could I forget? I wish I'd wake up!”

The Hatter looked bemused. “You still believe this is a dream? Do you?”

“Of course. This has all come from my own mind.”

The Hatter thought about that for a moment. “Which would mean that
I'm
not real.”

“I'm afraid so,” said Alice, shaking her head.

“You're just a figment of my imagination. I
would
dream up someone who's half mad.”

“Yes, yes. But you would have to be half mad to dream me up,” the Hatter observed.

“I must be, then,” Alice said.

Alice laughed.

“I'll miss you when I wake up,” she said.