Tiger's Voyage (55 page)

We accepted and spent another hour at the table, nibbling treats and asking questions. Yínbáilóng reminded me of Mr. Kadam. He knew about almost everything, and I could listen to him ruminate for hours at a time. He invited Ren and Kishan to play billiards with him. I perched on a seat and watched them play. The dragon was quite good. He explained the rules and commented from time to time, giving tips as they played and claimed he invented the game. It wasn’t long before I began yawning.

The dragon offered to escort me to my room, but I stuck it out another half hour. He then insisted that I rest and said if I’d like to walk on my own, I merely needed to press my hand on the wall, and the little living creatures would light up and show me the way. I nodded and both Ren and Kishan set down their cue sticks to follow me. The dragon raised an eyebrow, amused, and waited for my response. I put my hand on Kishan’s arm and stood up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “Do you mind if Ren walks me back? I need to talk to him.”

Kishan said goodnight, kissed me softly, and reluctantly turned back to the game. Ren stuck his hands in his pockets and studied my expression with suspicion.

“After you.”

I sighed, placed my hand on the icy wall, and said, “A guest room, please.”

Tiny green creatures surged toward my hand just behind the ice and began moving forward. I clasped my hands behind my back and followed them. Ren silently paced along behind.

After we were several halls away from the billiards room, he asked, “Well? What did you want to talk about?”

I bit my lip. “Do you remember when you first came to America, and I was dating Li?”

“And
Jason
and
Artie
.”

“Right. Well, when you first arrived, you told me that you wanted me to date both of you and make a choice.”

“Yes.”

“You also said that if I did choose Li you would support my choice. That the important thing was that you be near me. That if friendship was all I could give, you would take it.”

“Yes. Where are you going with this, Kelsey?”

“I’m getting there. Be patient.”

We arrived at my guest suite, and I opened the door. A blue fire crackled in a corner of the room, and a huge bed with an ice frame took up most of the space. The floor looked like it was covered with ice shavings. I bent to touch it, and it felt like a deep shag carpet. I kicked off my slippers and wiggled my toes. Little creatures under the floor drifted toward my feet and massaged my toes. Experimentally, I picked up my foot and they disappeared. When I put it back, they began massaging again.

Impatiently, Ren leaned back against the doorjamb. “What are you trying to say, Kells?”

I turned to him, but lowered my gaze, afraid to meet his intense expression. “I’m trying to say that I knew then that we belonged together, and I chose
you
.”

“Yes, I remember,” he agreed softly.

“But you promised that if I
had
picked Li, you would always be there for me. You would always be my friend. Is that true? Even if I’d chosen someone else?”

“You know it is.” He took a step closer and picked up my hand. “I would never abandon you.”

I took a deep breath. “That’s good because I don’t think I’d like life much without you in it. You know that I’ll always be your friend too, don’t you? That I wouldn’t desert you?”

Puzzled, Ren tilted his head back to study my face. He paused before answering hesitantly, “Yes. I know that you’re my friend.”

“And the most important thing is that we’re a family, right?”

“Yes.”

“Alright. Then I’m going to tell you something, and I need you to understand I’ve given it a lot of thought. I want you to open your mind and listen.”

Ren folded his arms across his chest. “Alright. I’m listening.”

“First, I need to clarify something. When you and Kishan were declaring your feelings to Jīnsèlóng, did you mean everything you said?”

“Yes. I meant every word.”

I blew out a breath. “That’s what I was afraid of,” I muttered.

“Why do you say that?”

“Okay, here goes. You’re my first love. You’re more important to me than water or air. Thanks to Lǜ sèlóng, you already know that, but I can at least confirm it. I wish I could have spared you the hurt and torture you endured. I wish that Lokesh had never found us, and we were still in school. Everything was easy then.”

Ren raised an eyebrow.

“Well,
easier
, anyway. I wish that we’d never been separated, that you were the one with me in Shangri-la.”

He pressed his palm against my cheek and stroked it lightly with his thumb. “You know I wish for those things too.”

“Yes, I know. But it doesn’t change anything. I’ve thought about this for a long time. Really, ever since you forgot me.” I looked away and twisted my hands. Stammering, I continued, “This isn’t easy for me, and I don’t say this lightly. But weighing everything in the balance, it’s just what makes the most sense.”

“Just spit it out, woman. What are you trying to say?”

I took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. “You’ve been trying to get me to admit that I’m still in love with you. You were right. I am. I’m
crazy
in love with you, and I don’t know that my feelings for you are
ever
going to change but—”

“
But what?
” His face darkened slightly. I even blinked, thinking it was a figment of my imagination.

“But … I can’t choose
you
this time. I’m choosing …
Kishan
.”

He dropped his hand from my cheek and took a step away. He looked at me with disbelief, and then his expression turned angry. The anger rolled into self-doubt, and then a kind of coolness stole over his face. Ren said nothing for a long minute.

I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, and anxious, I stretched out my hand and touched his forearm. “I need you to understand. This doesn’t mean that I don’t need
you
. I’ll always—”

Ren drew himself up and nodded politely, reminding me of that long ago day in the jungle when I rebuffed him after he’d asked for permission to kiss me. Tightly, he spoke, “Of course. I understand.” He edged through the open door and started to leave.

I dashed to the door. “But, Ren—”

He turned his head slightly so that I could see his profile. As if it pained him to look at me, he dropped his eyes and said softly, “The white tiger will
always
be your protector, Kelsey. Good-bye,
priyatama
.”

G
ood-bye? I never do this right! Why do I always screw up everything?
I’d meant to tell him
why
I wasn’t picking him. I wanted him to understand my thinking … or at least hear me out. Honestly, I thought he might actually stick around and talk me out of it. Tell me I was an idiot. Tell me I was just letting my petty fears scare me out of something wonderful, something perfect.

I thought it would be easier, more practical, if I just picked Kishan.
No. Practical is the wrong word.
Safer.
That’s the right one. Ren
took risks.
Ren
surrounded himself with beautiful bikini-clad girls.
Ren
subjected me to Randi. I know
why
he did it, but the fact remains that he still did. And if another opportunity to “save me” came along, he wouldn’t hesitate. He’d once again sacrifice himself, and I’d be alone. I’d almost had the man of my dreams. But almost doesn’t count.

Almost
winners aren’t remembered anyway. Nobody cared if you
almost
made a touchdown.
Almost
had that three-point shot at the buzzer.
Almost
made a triple play. What counted was the final score. I was a coach who’d just benched the all-star rookie player. I had my reasons, but the fans didn’t care. All they’d see was a coach who’d made what they felt was a very bad decision.

But, to be fair, do you throw the rookie into the championship game, hoping his showy enthusiasm will get you points? Or do you put in your slower but steadier guy? The players who’ve proved themselves all season. They may not hit three-point shots but they can go the distance.
Sheesh! Was I just thinking of a sports analogy? I must be desperate.

Besides, who took care of me when Ren nobly let himself be kidnapped?
Kishan. Who told off Randi when she was insulting me? Kishan. Who lets
me wear my hair the way I want to? Kishan. Who said he’d be willing to let
me be with another if that’s what I really wanted? Kishan. Who never argues
with me? Kishan. Who kept his hands off when I asked him to? Kishan.
I got distracted for a moment thinking about a fight with Ren that resulted in him putting his hands
on
me and me
liking
it, and then shook it off.
What was I thinking about? Oh, yeah. Kishan.

Kishan was a safe bet. Loving Ren was a gamble.

Hmm … maybe I should join an Anonymous group.
I could picture it already.

Hi. My name is Kelsey, and I’m an addict.

Hi, Kelsey.

It’s been two minutes since I let Ren walk away, and I think I’m going to
fall off the wagon.

No! Stay strong, girl! We’re here to support you.

Right. But you don’t understand. I can’t
live
without him.

Sure you can. You just take it one day at a time.

You mean I have to go a whole day without seeing him?

My fellow addicts would laugh.
Try a whole lifetime, girl. You’ve got to
go cold turkey. Completely expunge him from your life. Mementos will just
tempt you. You’re an addict, and you’re in denial. Now let’s repeat the serenity
prayer:

Grant me the serenity to selflessly forgo my relationship to save humankind;
To accept that the man I love cannot and will not change;
The courage to let him realize his potential and fulfill his destiny;
And the wisdom to stay as far away from him as possible.

I sighed and slid under the blue ice-palace covers.
Maybe I need
a sponsor.
Could I really expect Ren to hang around and watch me be with his brother? It would be cruel, like he said.
I
couldn’t do it if the situation were reversed.
Maybe Lokesh would kill me, and then
everyone would be better off. Seems like my disappearing would solve
everyone’s problem.
I fell asleep and dreamed of Lokesh hunting me in the jungle, just like when Lǜ sèlóng hunted the boys, only I didn’t have any claws to protect myself.

I woke feeling displaced before remembering I was in the Ice Dragon’s palace. I turned to my side and buried my fist beneath my cheek. The bed rolled slightly and glowed softly as tiny creatures surged to the surface, warming and massaging everywhere my body touched the mattress. My thoughts picked up right where they’d left off the night before. I was not feeling very confident that I’d made the right decision, but I was determined to follow through on it regardless.

Attached to the strange bedroom was a private bathroom. The clear shower taps turned easily, and blue water cascaded from a series of jets. It was hot and steamy despite its crystallized appearance. I used a cerulean ice gel to shampoo my hair. It tingled and smelled like mint.

There were no towels, but when I turned off the shower a series of air blowers turned on. I stood there shocked, feeling like an old car in a gas station car wash. Warm air pummeled my body from every angle, and once I got over the surprise, I actually enjoyed it.
Huh. Now
I understand why dogs stick their heads out of car windows.

Thoroughly dry, I stepped out and, with dismay, tried to run my fingers through my hair. I had giant cotton-ball hair. It would take forever to comb out, so I left it and turned to the Scarf for more clothes. Then I sought other humans. Well … the closest thing to humans anyway. I found my tigers breakfasting with the dragon.

“Mmm … smells good.”

“Won’t you please join us, my dear?” the dragon asked politely. Then he looked up. “My, don’t you look … fluffy.”

I groaned and pulled a poofy strand of hair over my shoulder to stare at it. Kishan looked up and started laughing. I narrowed my eyes. “It’s not
that
funny. You don’t happen to have a brush or comb, do you?”

Kishan snickered. “Nope. Sorry, Kells.”

“Yínbáilóng?”

“We dragons don’t need such accessories.”

I sighed and sat down.

“I have one,” Ren said quietly from across the table. I’d been avoiding eye contact with him. Trying to ignore his presence hadn’t really worked, as I was ultra aware of him, but I’d made a good effort. Resigned, I looked up, but he’d already turned aside.

He reached into his treasure bag and pulled out a golden comb. Rising from his seat, he came around to my side of the table to set it gently near my plate, and then he abruptly left the room. I picked up the delicate treasure and wondered how I could use something this priceless to tame my unruly nest of hair. It was narrow, about the size of my hand, with long tongs. The top was carved mother-of-pearl and showed a knight on horseback slaying some kind of beast.

Kishan speared a slice of melon and said with a grin, “I kind of like it the way it is now.”

After breakfast, I followed Kishan and the dragon to the sitting room. Ren was already waiting for us. Picking up the comb, I began working on my hair as Yínbáilóng told us about the ice caves and the hidden key that we would need in order to access the Seventh Pagoda. He said the key could only be accessed by one with the blood of the gods running through his veins.

I listened with half an ear. My mind was distracted, which wasn’t good considering it would probably take all three of us to retrieve Durga’s Pearl Necklace and make it out alive. Thankfully, Kishan seemed to be paying attention. I smiled and daydreamed a little as I methodically combed my puffed up hair.

My mind drifted to another time, a balmy Indian night when Ren had combed gently through my hair. My scalp suddenly felt tingly, and I shivered slightly remembering his sweet, hesitant touch. I glanced up and found Ren intensely watching me. I blushed, wondering if he was thinking about the same thing. He quickly tore his eyes away and went back to listening to the dragon. When I’d finally tamed my hair and braided it, the three of them had come up with a plan. It was time to go.