This Heart of Mine (6 page)

Instead, he leaned over and kissed me. He kissed me as we sat at the edge of the sea letting the water wash up around us. It was an innocent kiss. And I was shocked. But I was also swept off my eleven-year-old-girl feet.

I grew into a young woman with that kiss.

Levi sent me letters all that next fall. Robert and I only summered in Rockport, but Levi lives here all year round. My mother found the letters and wouldn’t let me respond. She was afraid I’d fall madly in love with Levi and leave our upper-class life behind. I begged her to let me write back, but she forbade it, and that was that.

So, I’d assumed Levi was talking about the flowers he’d sent. Each one pressed from the summer before. No letter, no note. Just a single blossom, flawless and preserved for eternity.

I’d forgotten about the earlier letters. And I wished—oh, how I wished—in that very moment that they were long gone, because what I did next was quite possibly the silliest thing I’ve ever done. And I’ve done some silly things, let me tell you. I should have told him the letters were lovely, but Mother wouldn’t let me respond. That would have been the right thing to do.

But no. Silly Glory. I couldn’t just leave it at that.

“Come with me,” I said, and dragged him upstairs to my bedroom.

I knelt on the floor and reached under the bed for my keepsake box. I put it on the bed and flipped open the top. “Just look,” I said with pride.

Inside the box was a small pack of letters tied up with a blue ribbon. Levi sat on my bed and lifted them into his lap. I really thought that sharing the contents of the box with him would console him, bring him happiness. But he wouldn’t look at me. He didn’t have to. It was all in the way he held those letters.

“Look at all this....” He shuffled through the box with one hand, still gripping the stack of yellowed paper with the other. “Pictures of us, all the flowers I sent you. Marbles. Our whole entire childhood in this one box.”

“Well, yes,” I said. “I’ve always thought of myself as the keeper of these things. You two are boys. I never expected you to hold on to the past. Besides, I’m the queen, right? It was my job to keep all of our memories.”

He placed the letters reverently back into the box, then slid the lid closed. He let his hand stay on the top of the box for a second too long.

“Don’t you want to read them?” I asked. Silly, silly Glory. I’m such a ninny, really.

“I know what they say. I know every single word,” he said.

I began picking at the flowers embroidered into my shawl. The bedroom seemed to close in on both of us.

Then he got up quickly.

“You know what?” he said.

“What?”

“Later today, we’re going clamming. Tide’s going to be low at two in the afternoon. I’ll be back. And no excuses, you’re coming.”

I didn’t feel as if I had a real choice.

“Okay,” I said.

“And you don’t even have to wear shoes,” he said, and then he ran down the stairs and was gone.

So now it’s one in the afternoon, and I’m waiting. Why am I so nervous? It’s only some muddy crabbing, right?

Later...

I think I need to pray. To go to church and kneel down and pray.

Levi came back exactly at two in the afternoon and took me down the path toward the sea with buckets and a clam rake.

“You be careful where you step, okay?” he said.

I just glared at him, and he laughed. “You’re the one who said I didn’t have to wear shoes,” I said.

It was good to be by the sea. I’ve been so cooped up in the house, but to feel the salt water on my toes...to lift my skirt up past my knees and dig in the mud? There’s no better way to revive one’s soul.

Until you lose it. Yes, I do believe I lost my soul.

Everything was going well. We had a bucketful of clams and we were talking about old times. It was a sparkling day.

And then I felt a sharp slice across the bottom of my foot.

“Ow!” I cried out.

Levi was at my side in a second.

“What is it? What happened?” His concern was almost amusing. You’d think I broke my leg.

“I cut my foot,” I said, hopping over to a large rock so I could wipe away the mud and take a look.

He dumped the clams out of the bucket and filled it with salt water.

“What are you doing? We worked hard for those!” I said.

He didn’t answer, just brought the bucket to me, knelt in the mud at my feet and carefully put my cut foot in the salt water. It stung.

“It’s deep, Glory,” he said, examining my foot. “I have to get you back.”

I don’t know why, I really don’t, but I started to cry. I never cry. Scraped knees, cuts, bruises, bumps. Nothing bothers me. Father used to tell me I was like a boy, and Mother told me that tears were only to be shed when they could be used to manipulate affections. My mother was a strange bird. But seeing as crying never helped me get my way, I simply don’t do it often.

But sitting there, with Levi soaking my foot, I cried.

He picked me up like a baby and began walking me back through the rocks and then up the path to my house.

“I’m sorry,” I cried into his shoulder. “I should have worn shoes.”

“No, you wouldn’t have been able to wear them in the mud anyway. It’s not your fault,” he said, soothing me.

I buried my face in between his neck and shoulder. He smelled so good. Like the sea, like wood that’s been in the sun...like Levi.

“But if I’d worn shoes,” I continued, sniffling, “then you wouldn’t have to carry me.”

“And that,” he said, “would be the worst thing of all. Because I’ve been waiting to carry you like this for my whole life. I’m sorry you’re hurt, and I’m sorry you’re crying, but damn, girl, you are an independent thing. Sometimes it’s good to need someone, to lean on them once in a while.”

We made it back to the front porch of my house. He sat me on a wicker chair and pulled another up close to me, bringing my foot in for closer inspection.

“I don’t think it needs stitches,” he said. Then he rested my leg down on his chair as he stood and went into the house. “Don’t move,” he said. “Are the bandages and things where they always were?”

“Yes,” I called after him.

Soon he was back, with an armful of first aid and a bandage trailing behind him. I laughed. “I’m not going to die,” I said.

“Never can be too sure with a cut, Glory. It might get infected.”

He sat back down, putting my foot on his lap again. My skirt, I’d noticed, had risen high on my thigh. I went to pull it down.

“Don’t,” he said.

How things can change with one word.
Don’t
.

And I should have pulled it down, but I didn’t.

I let him take care of my cut. Tenderly, he rubbed the ointment on it, then wound the bandage slowly around my foot.

When he should have let my foot down, he didn’t. When I should have taken it off his lap, I didn’t.

We sat looking at each other for a long time.

“I know I should have told you sooner. I suppose I assumed you always felt the same way. I guess I figured you were with Robert to make your mother happy. The thing is, I can’t stop thinking about you, about us, Glory. About the things we could do together. I thought you knew that.”

His hand, his strong, callused hand, was moving from my ankle to my knee.

He reached for my other leg and then pulled the two chairs together so that I was practically on his lap. I know my brain was screaming out
No
! but his hand... Oh, his hand on my skin.

“I’m going to kiss you, Glory. I’m going to kiss you now and then let you tell me you’re still going to marry him. I’m going to dare you to do it.”

He put his hands on either side of my face. “You are amazing. Every time I see you, I see something else I want. Something else that sets me on fire.”

He pulled me to him, and God help me, I didn’t struggle.

And then, a car horn. A blaring car horn from way down the road, heralding the arrival of Robert.

Levi pushed me away, and I pulled my skirt down.

“What happened here?” asked Robert as he swung his graceful body around the porch columns and jumped up next to me without using the stairs. I saw a flicker in his eye, a quick bit of concern, and then a forced smile. Did he know? Could he tell?

“Glory cut her foot,” Levi said. “And I have to go. She’s all yours, doc.”

“Poor baby,” said Robert. “Shoulda worn shoes.”

The air between the three of us was thicker than molasses. I wanted to run away from both of them. Levi turned to leave and Robert leaned in for a kiss, but I turned my head. It was simply too much. Too many feelings happening at the same time.

So what did I do? I started to cry all over again.

“What’s this? Tears? From the girl who doesn’t cry? From the bravest girl this side of the Mississippi?” asked Robert. “Let’s get you inside and wipe those tears away.”

I couldn’t bear the thought of him picking me up the way Levi had just done. I backed my chair away from both of them and hobbled inside to fix some tea.

I heard them talking, though. It’s not a very big house.

“I’m going to leave,” said Levi again.

“Come on, brother. Stay awhile. Let’s play some cards, whaddaya say?”

So the two of them stayed late into the night drinking and playing cards.

But every so often, even with Robert’s arms around my waist, Levi and I caught each other in sidelong glances.

I’m damned for sure.

Get me to a church. Quick.

July 19, 1940

I’ve just returned from Boston. Sometimes it’s best to run away. Or at least to float along on the current and take a few breaths. I needed to stop panicking, and Robert wanted me to spend time with my soon-to-be new family, the Whitehalls.

My soon-to-be mother-in-law, Claire, took me to look for a wedding gown. I told her I’d wear my mother’s, but she insisted on something more stylish. I will not argue with her.

I tried to use the time wisely, to simply forget about what happened between me and Levi. My mother always told me that if you believe something with all your heart, even a lie, you can make it come true.

And to be honest, Robert and I had a wonderful time in Boston. And Claire was lovely, helping me pick out a dress. Of course, the dinners were fairly littered with talk of war and our impending involvement as a nation.

Just the thought of Robert going to war was enough to purge my indiscretion with Levi from my mind and body.

Or so I thought.

When we got back to the Rockport house, it was very late at night.

“I’ll walk you in,” said Robert.

“No. You go. If I get you as far as the porch, I won’t let you go at all.”

“Okay, Ladygirl. But get ready, for tomorrow we picnic!”

How I love when Robert is excited about something.

I started to get out of the car, and even as I did, I could feel the air shift between us. I wanted to run, to clap my hand over his mouth and to kiss him all at the same time.

“Ladygirl?” he asked, grabbing my arm.

Oh
no
, I thought.
Oh
no
,
don’t
.

“Yes, darling?” I said, keeping my voice light. Too light. I felt as if I was a bird caught in a fan.

“Are you sure you want to marry me?”

“Have you lost your mind?” I asked. I flipped down the visor and tried to fix my lipstick in the dark, which was silly, so I flipped it back up again and looked at him.

He put his hands to his head and leaned on the steering wheel. It was a moonlit night, and I wished it wasn’t, because I saw a pain on his brow I simply did not want to see.

“I’m not stupid, Glory.” His voice was so serious. And worst of all, so hurt.

“What are you talking about?” I said, still hoping I was wrong about what he was thinking. I tried to touch him. I reached out to smooth his hair but he cringed away from me.

“Oh, stop it, will you?” he shouted at me. He’s never, ever shouted at me.

“Is this about Levi?” I asked. I wanted him to just say whatever he was going to say. “Because if it is, then why didn’t you say anything while we were in Boston? Why wait until now?”

“Why? Because I thought I’d forget about it, that’s why. And I needed time to think it through. That day when I stumbled on you and Levi? Something was happening. And I don’t blame you. Really, I don’t. It was obvious to me, so damned obvious how he felt about you when I told him.” He leaned back and slammed his hands on the steering wheel where his head had just been. “I can be such a fool.”

“Don’t say that, Robert. Shhh. Don’t.” I tried to comfort him but the bottom had come right out of my stomach.

“The day after I asked you to marry me, we were sitting on the rocks by the water when I told him. And he didn’t say a thing. He just looked at me with...hate. He’s like my brother, Glory. Hell, he
is
my brother. And I didn’t even have the slightest notion he felt strongly about you in...in that way.”

“Neither did I,” I said. I was being honest, and he knew it.

“I should have told you, should have warned you about how upset he was. Maybe that could have helped stop...whatever happened. But I forgive you, Glory. I forgive him. It was all such a shock to him I can forgive anything. But I won’t be able to forgive you if you marry me while you love him. Do you love him?”

Robert was choking back tears.

“I was confused, Robert, so confused by his pain. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“Confused,” he repeated.

It’s never good when Robert repeats a word. It means he’s getting annoyed. He does it all the time with his mother.

“Yes, confused.”

“Okay, well how about this. Tomorrow we are going to the Reelect Roosevelt Picnic, right?”

“Yes, that was our plan.”

“So, I’ll meet you there. And you’ll tell me you are no longer confused. I’ll see it in your eyes. I know you, Ladygirl. I sure do. So you go in and think on it. And I’ll love you no matter what, so figure it out, okay? I can’t die of a broken heart when I’m planning on fighting for my country if she calls.”

I let myself out of the car. He waited, as a gentleman would, until I was in the house. But as soon as he was gone, I went back outside. I needed air.