This Heart of Mine (7 page)

That’s when Levi walked out from the darkness and onto the porch.

“Hey,” he said, his head hung low, his hands in his pockets.

“No,” I said, wagging my finger at him like a schoolmarm. “Oh no you don’t. You go home. I’m going inside, to bed. Now. By myself.”

“Just give me a second, would you, Glory?”

“Do you have any idea how much trouble I’m in?” I yelled.

“I wasn’t there by myself,” he said. “You’re as much to blame as I am. And why does it have to be trouble or blame, anyway? Why can’t we just admit that we are supposed to be together?”

I sat down. I felt so, so weary. I must have been pale like a ghost....

“I feel as if I may faint,” I said, and I meant it. Levi sat on the other chair and pulled me from my chair onto his lap. I moved like a rag doll.

“Faint if you want,” he whispered. “I’ll take care of you. I’ll always take care of you. I have a plan, Glory. Just you and me. We can run away, to Mexico. Have you ever been to Mexico? I figure we can get a little shack on the beach. Live off the land. Nothing but you and me and the ocean. We could do it, Glory. There’s nothing stopping us.”

I turned my face to look up at him. To see the meaning in his eyes. But I didn’t see the kind of earnestness I’d seen in Robert’s eyes when he proposed to me. I saw a hunger. Levi needed me to say yes to his plan. More than Robert needed me to say yes to his proposal.

“I don’t think I can—” I started, but he pressed his fingers against my lips and then left them there, tracing my mouth with his fingers. Slowly caressing my lower lip.

“Oh, God, Glory, I need you,” he said, and he leaned down and placed his lips where his fingers had been. A warmth, a heat unlike any I’d ever felt, swept through me like a drug. That’s exactly what it was like. It felt like being drunk.

I kissed him back and all I could think was
Don’t
stop
. I just wanted to be lost in him. To run away inside of him.

I have to admit, it was him that pulled away finally, not me. He pushed me off his lap and I fell to the porch floor.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Not like this. I need to hear you say it.”

“What do you want me to say?” I asked. My face burned from where the stubble on his face scratched up against mine. I stood up and straightened my dress. I noticed I had a splinter in my hand.

He was leaning against the column of the porch. His chest was rising and falling quickly. His face was flushed.

“I want you to tell me you don’t love me. Tell me you don’t feel...this!” He motioned in the air between us. “This thing when we’re together. I need you, Glory. Tell me you don’t need me.”

Levi turned his back on me and tipped his head up toward the sky. Our sky. The sky we’d played under for a thousand summers.

I went to him and put my hand on his back. He jumped away from me and out into the dark yard. Facing me from a distance, he said, “Tell me.”

“Aren’t you going to marry Rosalind?” I asked. And I felt nine years old again. Nine years old with crossed arms and a stubbornness that wouldn’t let go.

“No. She’s gone. I told her that if she was going to wait for me, she’d wait forever. Now, tell me.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” But I did. I knew what he wanted me to say. And what he wanted me to do. And I knew that would change everything.

“Just say it. Please, Glory. I need you to say it,” he demanded.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” he asked. And there he was, a little boy next to my little girl. Two kids who never grew up.

“Because there are too many answers! Do I need you? Yes! Of course I need you. You are my best friend. Do I love you? Yes. Do I love Robert? Yes!” I was yelling and pacing. I couldn’t help but think that if I had gotten this upset around Robert, he’d have already scooped me up and calmed me down. The thought of that made me even angrier. “I don’t understand this thing between us. I really don’t. It’s like my brain and my heart move one way, and my body moves another. It’s torture. Do you like that? Is that what you want to hear? That you hurt me?”

“Just say the word, Glory.”

“WHAT WORD?”

“Tell me ‘No’ and I’ll go away. We’ll go back to the way it used to be. Friends, like nothing ever happened between us.”

And what did I do? When I could have fixed it all with one word? What did this ninny do?

I slammed the door and went inside my house.

July 20, 1940

I woke up this morning with the kind of peace you have when you’re simply happy, before you realize that the terrible dream you had wasn’t a dream at all. And it made me want to go back to sleep. It made me want to run and hide.

As I began dressing for the Reelect Roosevelt Picnic this morning, I recalled something my father said to me once when I started dating Robert all those years ago: “Choices are everywhere, Gloria. And each choice triggers off a set of events, like dominoes. A smart girl tries to see the dominoes from above and decide wisely. Don’t follow your heart by itself. It lies to you. And for that matter, never follow your brain alone either. Both the mind and the heart have to agree.”

“How do you know when that happens?” I’d asked him.

“It feels like the sea on a calm day,” he’d answered. “Not a worry in the world. It doesn’t even feel like a choice. That’s how you know.”

I dressed carefully, thinking about my mother and father. Thinking about what Levi had said about our future together, and about Robert’s vision for our lives.

For someone who usually rushes through all the things ladies like to do—hair, makeup, straight stockings—I took my time.

In the end, it was all so simple, really.

It was a perfect day for a picnic, so the whole community—those for and against our president—came together on the town green with the tall pavilion decked out in red, white and blue.

There was a band playing and food everywhere. I showed up a little late. A little scared. My feet were pinched into a nice pair of red satin heels. I wore a white sundress and a blue ribbon in my hair.

I saw Robert first, but he didn’t see me. It was better that way, a gift, actually. He was lying in the plush green grass playing with children. There were all these little children there. I recognized them all. It’s such a small community here that their parents are people we knew growing up. Friends. Community. The most important things in life, really. And I realized that I was a part of it. I wasn’t alone at all. People were waving to me, greeting me. How could I have ever thought I was alone?

The children were so adorable playing with Robert. I watched him on the grass, running and pretending to hide, throwing a ball, playing peekaboo. The mothers of the children made a half circle around the spectacle and nodded, smiling in approval. Then he ran around letting the children try and tag him. When they did, he’d fall over as if wounded and they would jump on him. I could clearly see him playing with our own children. How we’d have a boy who looked like me and a girl who looked like him. Maybe more, even. And grandchildren, too.

Children. I didn’t realize how much I wanted children until that very moment. To be a mother. To love a child the way I’d always wanted to be loved.

I turned my head as the wind kicked up off the sea. Levi was hanging back away from the crowd, leaning with one leg against the pavilion, smoking a cigarette and trying not to look at me. Only it wasn’t working. No matter where his eyes went, they always landed back on me.

My heart jumped.

I looked back at Robert, still playing, still unaware of my presence.

Some say that before you die, you see your whole entire life pass before your eyes. Well, I wasn’t dying, but in that one moment I watched two separate lives play out in front of me. One with Robert and one with Levi.

Levi wanting my attention as I fed our baby. Levi needing me when our children needed me. Finding him looking out into a distant place, a place I can’t understand, a place he can’t explain to me. A life full of wondering. A life, a love, so big that it crowded out everything else around it.

And Robert. Robert helping me with the children, playing with them. I could see him watching me as I rocked them to sleep. There would be room in our lives for all sorts of affection, windows and doors always open to love. And just as I felt he’d be a wonderful father, I knew he’d be a wonderful husband, as well. Not the kind of man who controls or dominates. I felt that no matter what I did, he’d honor me, and we’d be equals. We’d grow together, learning from each other and loving more and more as time went by.

Robert wanted me to choose, but it didn’t even feel like a decision anymore.

I turned back to Levi, whose eyes hadn’t left me.

“No,” I mouthed.

His eyes stayed locked on mine.

I had to be strong, even if it hurt. He had to know with absolute certainty that I’d made my choice. That it wasn’t even a choice. Just a momentary lapse of judgment.

I didn’t turn away from his gaze. I straightened my back and shook my head “No” again for emphasis.

Then he put out his cigarette and disappeared behind the pavilion.

Father had been right. Once he was gone, I felt liberated. Like myself again.

I walked toward Robert then and called his name. My voice broke as I called him. He ran to me and held me at arm’s length.

I couldn’t stop the tears that came, and I didn’t want to. They were happy tears. “I love you, Robert, I’ve always loved you!” I said. And as I said it, I felt a burden lift off of my heart. I felt free, that calm ocean my father had told me about.

“You’re really sure?” he asked, his hands gripped on my shoulders.

I nodded, tears streaming down my face. I didn’t care. Maybe crying is like wearing shoes—not comfortable, but necessary. Sometimes.

He wrapped me in his arms and kissed the top of my head. He smoothed my hair back from my forehead and looked at me as though he could see right inside of me. “I love you, Ladygirl. Boy oh boy, do I love you.”

Then he lifted me and swung me around and announced, “Hey, everyone! We’re getting married!”

A huge round of applause burst into the air around us. Everyone was clapping. I could even imagine my parents clapping in heaven.

And when I got up the courage to look around for Levi, he wasn’t there. I wished naïvely that he could celebrate with us, that all would be forgotten and we could go back to the way things were. Only that isn’t what happens in life, is it? Things never go back to the way they were; you have to enjoy the way things are. Not the past, not the future, the present.

And so there it is. My disastrous and wonderful summer of 1940, full of endings and beginnings and the past meeting the future. May I never have to look back. Only forward.

I can’t wait to go to California. I’m looking forward to it. But in truth, I can’t wait until we come home, here, to Rockport and begin our new life together. I hope to have many children. And my dreams for them aren’t lofty ones, not like the ones my mother had for me. All I dream for them is that they inherit their father’s laughing eyes and shining smile. My Robert. May we never be separated, even for a moment. Now that I have him, I won’t ever let him go.

* * * * *

Find out how Rita’s and Glory’s lives intersect in I’LL BE SEEING YOU.
Told through their letters during WWII, this incredible story brings together two unforgettable women who have never met in person yet share an unbreakable bond of friendship.

We hope you enjoyed this Harlequin ebook. Connect with us for info on our new releases, access to exclusive offers, free online reads and much more!

Subscribe to our newsletter:
Harlequin.com/newsletters

Visit
Harlequin.com

We like you—why not like us on Facebook:
Facebook.com/HarlequinBooks

Follow us on Twitter:
Twitter.com/HarlequinBooks

Read our blog for all the latest news on our authors and books:
HarlequinBlog.com

About
the
Authors

SUZANNE
HAYES
is the author of the forthcoming novel
The
Witch
of
Little
Italy
(written as Suzanne Palmieri) and her essays have been published in
Life
Learning
Magazine
and
Full
of
Crow
:
On
the
Wing
edition. She lives with her husband and three daughters in New Haven, Connecticut.

LORETTA
NYHAN
has worked as a journalist and copywriter, and currently teaches college writing and humanities. She lives in the Chicago area with her husband and family.
I’ll
Be
Seeing
You
is her first novel.

www.suzyandloretta.com

ISBN: 9781460311943

THIS HEART OF MINE

Copyright © 2013 by Suzanne Palmieri and Loretta Nyhan

All rights reserved. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical,
now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of publisher, Harlequin Enterprises Limited, 225 Duncan Mill Road, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada M3B 3K9.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental. This edition published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.

® and ™ are trademarks of the publisher. Trademarks indicated with ® are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office, the Canadian Trade Marks Office and in other countries.

www.Harlequin.com