This Girl Stripped (17 page)

Star convinced me to see these hippy midwives here in town. I still keep calling them doctors because it’s what I’m used to. Doctors take care of pregnant women. Hell, most of the time, everyone in the medical field is a fuckin’ doctor to me. But, these ladies come highly recommended by most of the people here in town.

According to Google MD, the baby will be due sometime in early to mid-September. But, because of the fact that I never got a period after my abortion and sleeping with two guys in the matter of two weeks, I honestly have no idea what my due date should be. September will be my due month. I know that much.

Do you need anything?

What kind of question is that? What would he expect me to ask for? No matter what has happened between us, there is one thing I honestly miss from River. His genuine friendship. When I first rolled into town in November, he was my only real friend. Of course I had Star and Seven. I had the girls and all these new people in my life, but River was the only one who I could depend on for comfort, who would listen to all my problems. He’s a good person, he’ just damaged like I am.

Maybe more so than I am or average people. But he has a good heart.

I miss my best friend.

I don’t hold my breath though. Comments like that always send him into radio silence for weeks on end. He doesn’t do emotions well, especially when something I do or say evokes them within him. He would rather be void and unavailable. I just wish I knew what happened to make him that way.

I always get lost in my thoughts. I guess it started when I was a young girl. I did it to block out everything going on in my life. Now it just makes me a damn flake. When I hear the chime of the phone from River’s text, I realize I was supposed to pack up and meet Seven over at Star’s house at some point tonight. I vaguely remember agreeing to eight.

Can we make a time to sit down and talk about stuff?

I am torn with River’s reply. He isn’t good at sitting down to talk about stuff. Anything. Ever. But, I know I owe him this. Especially if we are going to have to take on the cast of co-parenting down the road. But, it is something I will also have to run by Diesel. Since we are trying on an actual relationship for size, I would feel dishonest if I didn’t talk to him about it first.

Can I get back to you later on about it?

I want to talk to Diesel about it, and I am late meeting Seven.

Honesty, I swear it really is the best policy. It works so well. The little white lies were becoming too much to deal with, remember, and keep track of.

I grab some clothes and toss them into a backpack along with my computer and some other crap I will need for the time I’m going to be spending at Star’s house. I think they said four days, but I’m not completely sure. Sometimes when Star talks, it goes in one ear and out the other.

Are you in a relationship with Diesel now?

Why? Why does he have to do this to me right now? Why do we have to have this conversation over text? It’s impersonal and no matter what tone you have, someone ends up hurt because you can’t gage the other person’s reactions over the damn phone.

Yes. I am.

I keep it simple, and to the point. I would rather talk about something like this in person. I hear Diesel’s truck pull up in front of the house. I grab my bag and make my way for the door.

His lips press to mine in greeting. On instinct, my mouth slightly parts and my tongue slips into his mouth. We sit in the driveway for a couple minutes making out like kids. We are both completely content with it. My phone chiming disturbs us. I know it’s River and I take it as the perfect time to bring up meeting him. No need to beat around the bush with Diesel.

“So, how would you feel about me meeting up with River to talk?” The truck pulls out of the small gravel driveway heading in the direction of Star’s house.

“I wouldn’t have a problem with it, why?” I should have known he would be laid back about it.

“He wants to talk, I guess. He texted me earlier and I told him I would ask you how you felt about it before I agreed to it.” I shrug and dig in my pocket for my iPhone.

“Its up to you, Princess. If you want to meet up with him and talk, go for it. But don’t feel like you have to because of the baby. Every time you see him, he upsets you somehow and you have every right to say no.” He’s so damn sweet. I wonder how I got so lucky after all the shit I did in my life.

Do you love him?

Reading River’s words pisses me off. Do I love Diesel? What fucking business is it of his? Would he use it as ammunition to hurt me once again? I delete the text and let his words simmer. He drives me absolutely fucking batty.

“See what I mean, Paisley.” Diesel nods in my direction. He can clearly see how much the text message just upset me.

“He asked me if I love you.” I admit. I do love Diesel. Is it true love? “I don’t see what business that is of his.” I don’t know why I even told Diesel that.

“River is just trying to get to you, Princess. Don’t let him.” It’s too late though. I pull my phone out, open a new text message to him and type out a reply I know will hurt him. I hate playing this back and forth game with him.

Yes. I do love him.

I can make time to talk tomorrow morning at Chrome and Star’s.

Whether or not he’s going to show up will be up to him. If he makes time, I’ll sure as hell be prepared for all the questions I have for him. If I’m going to let him continue being a part of my life, and possibly in the life of my child, he needs to start talking about all these issues he has.

And fatherhood doesn’t include sex with prostitutes. I can tell you that much.

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace

When I finally rolled out of bed, I walked downstairs to see River sitting at the kitchen island. He nods in greeting and continues to sip on his cup of coffee. The house is quiet. Seven is no where to be found and both of the girls are at school already. Some help I was getting them up and out the door.

“I’m assuming you got the girls to school?” There is no way either of them would have gotten out of bed on their own.

“Yeah, they didn’t give me any problem. I figured I’d let you sleep. You need your rest.” His eyes settle on my flat stomach. There is no sign of a baby bump, but I know he’s thinking about the little human growing in there.

“So, you wanted to talk?” I see no reason pulling any punches. There’ no other reason for us to be talking right now. If it wasn’t for him knowing about the pregnancy and Diesel, he probably wouldn’t be talking to me at all. His typical silent way of dealing with everything.

“When are you due?” he asks without missing a beat.

“Not sure, September sometime. I haven’t seen those midwife people yet.” I rummage in the fridge for the bottle of orange juice I hid the night before, praying no one found it.

“When will you know who the father is?” Apparently he isn’t pulling any punches either. I don’t have an answer for him, I can only assume once the baby is actually born. I mean, that would be a safe assumption, right? I know nothing about this stuff,
nor did I ever anticipate needing a fucking paternity test!

“Not sure, I’m assuming after the baby is born?” I continue around the kitchen. I grab my jar of peanut butter and start dipping my saltines in it.

“There is a test you can have sooner,” he interrupts me. Placing his cup down on the counter, he pulls out a piece of white paper out of his pocket. “It’s a new blood test they can do as soon as the 8th week of pregnancy, which I think you’re past? You need a sample from the mother and potential father. I just assumed we could all go. There is a place in Manhattan that does it.”

Did he seriously just ask me to go in for a paternity test before I’ve even seen a doctor? I guess I can see why he would want to get this all shorted out sooner rather than later. If I’m being honest, we all want this sorted out soon.

“I’ll think about it River, but there are bigger things we need to talk about. Yes, the baby is important, but you’re still my friend and I care about you. There are things I want to know about you.” I can tell the moment he starts to close up. His body language changes and he begins to run his fingers through his thick black hair, looking everywhere around the room but at me.

“River, don’t close down on me. You need to talk about it. You told me the same shit when I started to close up on you. You helped me, let me help you for once.” I take a couple steps across the kitchen and place my hand on his shoulder. He coils back like I’ve physically hurt him and I pull my hand away.

“Please! Don’t touch me!” he’s yelling now. Why the fuck is he yelling at me? He’s never had a problem with me touching him and now he’s freaking bugging out on me!

“River, calm the fuck down. What’s the problem?” I’m quiet and hurt. His reaction to my touch hurts. It was as if he was disgusted by me.

“Paisley, it’s hard enough being friends with you. But, having you touch me will just be way too much. I want you. But you are his now. I can’t trust myself around you, which is why I let you go. Please, just respect my space.”

Whoa. What. The. Fuck?

“I’m sorry, River. I’m just trying to be a friend. The kind of friends we were.” I miss our friendship and it sucks so damn bad that we are stuck in this strange limbo. I hate it.

“Paisley, we were never just friends. We were always more. You were always more for me. You are my one. My soul mate. My everything. This…” he waves between us, “is killing me. Seeing you with him, knowing you love him, knowing you might be carrying
his
baby kills me. It guts me from the inside out. The only way I can deal with this is by pushing you away. I’m sorry if it hurts. I hurt just as bad.” He puts the paper down on the table, and tosses the coffee cup in the sink before turning for the front door.

“I’m sorry I can’t do this Paisley. I really wanted to try and talk to you about this all. But, I can’t. I hope some day you will be able to forgive me.” The door slams, and Seven turns the corner.

“What the fuck was that all about?” She asks while looking out the front window. I hear the tires of River’s car pull out of the driveway and I let out a sigh. I was so close. So fucking close to finally getting him to open up to me. He may want me to stop, but I never will. Ever. He’s just too important to me to let him stay trapped in whatever hell he’s living in.

“He’s on the rag.” I laugh, as Seven pours a cup of coffee for herself. I give her a questioning look and she shoots daggers through me.

“Don’t even fucking start. I’m allowed two fucking caffeinated beverages a day and I will cut any bitch that gets in my way. Try me.” I’m scared. Never come between Seven and her coffee. With the wild look on her face, I don’t doubt for a second that she would hurt me. I’ve known her long enough to realize when she’s serious.

“So, why’d you run away from Levi? Trouble in paradise?” That’s probably not the best question to ask after she just threatened to cut me. But, I’ve been dying to ask. I want to know what’s going on with her. I figured we can use this as a gab session since clearly we have a bad soap opera going on between the two of us.

“I need a couple days to get away from him being so over protective. Work has been crazy, he’s always in my ear about eating this or not doing that and I am on edge. I need a couple days of peace and quiet. Little did I know, I would be dealing with doors slamming so early in the morning.” She gives me a look and sips her coffee. Her normally dark mahogany hair is lighter. Her roots are shining through brightly. The natural light brown I knew her to wear for so many years.

“I’ll let this morning slide, but if you kids wanna argue, I’m going to have to ask you to go back to your own little shanty.”

I want to laugh at her dig at my tiny house.

“I don’t think I’ll be seeing River again before you head back to Manhattan.” I laugh and pop a cracker in my mouth. “You want?” I offer some to her and she shakes her head.

“No food till this cup is finished. If I try and put food into my stomach too quickly, the baby rebels and everything comes back up. This kid is as much of a bitch as I am.” We both laugh at her comment.

“So, do you know what you’re having yet?” I ask, because curiosity is getting the best of me. I really wish I knew what the baby was already. I would love a little girl, but aren’t boys supposed to be easier to handle?

“It’s a girl. I’m so fucked.” Seven sighs and finishes up her cup of coffee. “I hope she’s nothing like me. Or any of us.”

Its true; although I know for sure that little girl is going to have a far better upbringing than any of us ever had.

Parents who actually give a shit about her.

“You know she’ll turn out nothing like any of us. Right, Seven?”

“I still worry. Am I going to be a good mom? Or am I going to lose interest just like our parents did? I worry about that a lot. Levi doesn’t understand because he actually had good parents growing up. Parents who loved him and took care of him. Not leaving him to fend for himself and feed other siblings for days on end. We had it rough. We may not have realized it then, but Paisley… that shit was fucked up.”