This Christmas (4 page)

Eddie can’t wait to see Sarah. It’s his turn to take the kids this weekend, and even though a hotel in midtown isn’t exactly the perfect spot, he’s off to Chicago next week, and the kids will probably enjoy it. The hotel staff have already set up two cots in the adjoining room, and sitting on top are teddy bears and a selection of games—compliments of the hotel.

He’s been working out the last few nights, and he checks himself one last time in the mirror before he leaves. Pulling in his stomach as far as it will go, Eddie gives himself the once-over. Not bad, he has to admit, or certainly not as bad as it has been. Of course he doesn’t really look any different, but he’s starting to feel better, now that he’s replaced the beer and TV with the treadmill and water.

He and Sarah have had the odd, tense conversation since he left. They’ve tried to sort out arrangements with the kids, or Sarah has phoned to query yet another letter or bill that Eddie was supposed to sort out but hadn’t had time, and usually the conversations end in a fight, or, at best, exasperated sighs from Sarah.

He’s determined to play things differently today. Even if Sarah starts a fight, Eddie’s going to back down. He’s going to apologize. It’s too early for him to come clean about wanting to try again, but he’s going to take the first steps to smoothing the path.

Because Eddie misses Sarah. He misses the kids. Hell, he misses his life. He’s lonely in this hotel room, lonely in the gym with the other business travelers who will be returning to their wives and children any day now. Eddie has nothing to return to except a tiny hotel room, a room-service meal, and more of the same tomorrow.

“Daddy!” Walker and Maggie cry out in unison as they thunder down the hallway, arms outstretched as Eddie scoops them up, burying his face in their hair, feeling as if his heart is going to break. God, he missed them. He didn’t realize until this moment quite how much he’s missed them.

“Daddy! Come play with my tea party.” Maggie takes his hand and gestures toward her room, where she’s set up a tea party for her eight favorite dolls, all of whom, rather bizarrely, are named Gracie Abigail, Abigail Gracie, Gracie, or Abigail.

“No!” Walker jumps up and down. “Come see my new Spiderman web shooters, Dad! They’re so cool!” Walker starts dragging Eddie down to his room to show off his new acquisitions, a direct result of Sarah’s guilt over Eddie’s leaving.

“Hang on, guys,” Eddie says. “Where’s Mom?”

“Hi, Eddie.” Eddie hears Caroline’s voice at the end of the hallway, and he turns to her, a wave of disappointment washing over him.

“Hey, Caroline. Where’s Sarah?”

“She had to run out to do some errands. She asked me to come over and watch the kids.” Caroline can barely look him in the eye as she says this, she and Eddie both knowing that Sarah doesn’t want to see Eddie, that of course this is just an excuse.

“Right.” Eddie turns away and scoops Maggie up in his arms. “Come on, Maggie,” he says quickly, in a bid to hide his pain. “Let’s go get your bag and you, I, and Walker will take the train into the city.”

“Yay! The city!” Walker shouts, running down the hallway into his room. “Can we go to the museum with the dinosaurs?”

“Yup,” Eddie says. “We can do whatever you want.”

“Can we go to American Girl Place?” Maggie asks deviously, even though Sarah has said she is not to get another American Girl doll until her next birthday, many months away.

“Absolutely,” Eddie says. “We’re going to have the greatest weekend ever.” He turns to Caroline, who is leaning in the doorway watching them. “Tell Sarah I’ll have them back Sunday by five.”

“What do you mean he looked good? He’s not supposed to look good.”

Caroline shrugs. “I’m sorry, but you said you wanted to know the truth. But on the plus side he looked devastated when he realized you weren’t here.”

“He did?”

“Yes, and how come you like hearing that? You’re having second thoughts aren’t you? It’s not too late, you know. My impression was that Eddie really misses you all; he’d come back in a heartbeat.”

Sarah shakes her head. “I know you’re probably right, but I don’t think I can do that. Of course I miss him, but I don’t miss the Eddie of today; I miss the Eddie I married.” She sighs. “I wouldn’t take back the Eddie of today.”

“He can’t have changed that much,” Caroline says. “He’s still the same person, surely.”

Sarah shakes her head. “I don’t think he is, and if I thought there was any chance at all of him becoming the person he was, I wouldn’t be doing this; I’d be working through it.”

“And what about you?” Caroline asks quietly. “Do you think you’ve changed? Are you still the same person Eddie married?”

Sarah snorts. “I barely know who I am when I look in the mirror anymore, let alone who I was when I got married. Seriously. Like I said the other night, I look in the mirror and wonder who in the hell that is looking back at me. And I hear myself screaming at the kids and I hate myself for it and wonder what happened to the happy, easygoing, fun-loving person I used to be.”

There’s a pause before Caroline offers gently, “Do you think it’s possible that Eddie feels the same way?”

But Sarah shakes her head. “If he had spent any more time with us he might have noticed. But he was hardly ever here. I really don’t think he cared.”

Eddie would never admit this to anyone, but he was dreading this weekend. He’d missed his kids enormously, but the truth was he’d never spent any real time with them. Occasionally he would take Walker out somewhere, but it was rare for him to take the two of them out—he’d always thought of that, he realized painfully, as Sarah’s job.

He was terrified of spending an entire two days with them, without any help, but he wound up having one of the greatest weekends of his life. They took the train into Grand Central—an adventure in and of itself—jumped in a cab and went to the Central Park Zoo. Hot dogs from a street stand for lunch, then Toys R Us in Times Square complete with Ferris wheel, The Natural History Museum, and American Girl Place.

The kids, as expected, loved the whole experience of staying in the hotel. They loved that they had picnic room-service dinners on the floor in front of
The Lion King 2
, they loved that they both slept in cots in the same room, and mostly they loved that they had never spent so much time with their daddy by themselves.

They were in heaven.

On Sunday they went to the playground in Central Park, then to see the Concorde at the U.S.S.
Intrepid
, then to the movies. The only hard part was saying good-bye.

Eddie takes them back home and hugs them hard, trying not to cry. Chicago suddenly seems a very long way away, and for the first time he realizes how much he is going to miss them.

“I love you,” he says as he clings on tight, squeezing Walker until he complains. “Look after your sister and your mom for me until I get back.”

“Okay, Dad,” Walker says. “Will you come back tonight?”

“No, Walk, I can’t come back tonight, but I’ll come back just as soon as I can. And, hey, maybe you guys will come and see me? You could fly over on an airplane. How would you like that?”

“Cool!” Walker says, flying his toy Concorde high in the air. “Hey, Mom!” Sarah opens the front door, knowing she has to face Eddie. She catches his eye and Eddie forces himself not to look away.

“Hi, Sarah.” His voice is cool, far more cool than he would have expected given his churning emotions. “The kids had a great time. Thank you for letting me take them. Maggie spilt some ketchup on her pajamas, which I tried to wash out but couldn’t, hope that’s okay.”

“Oh, sure.” Sarah is surprised to have been thanked. This wasn’t what she was expecting. “No problem. What did you do? Did you have fun, kids?” She leans down to give them hugs and kisses.

“Look, Mom! Concorde! It’s the fastest plane in the world and we went to see it!”

“And look, Mom!” Maggie runs up to Sarah holding out a doll. “Daddy did get me this from American Girl Place.”

“Oh, isn’t she lovely.” Sarah thinks about reprimanding Eddie, but he wasn’t to know, she thinks with a sigh, and so what if the children get a little spoiled while their parents separate. The spoiling won’t go on forever, and it’s nice for them to have something nice. “What’s her name?” Sarah asks, stroking the doll’s long dark hair, hair just like Maggie’s.

“Abigail Gracie,” Maggie announces seriously, and Sarah and Eddie catch one another’s eye and laugh. It’s been a long time since they’ve laughed together, and both of them are surprised at how nice it feels. But it won’t last, Sarah thinks. It never does.

“Call me when you get to Chicago,” Sarah says as Eddie prepares to leave.

“I will,” Eddie says, and he turns to look at her, wondering whether to kiss her good-bye, just a peck on the cheek perhaps, a purely platonic kiss. But Sarah turns to go inside and the moment has gone.

“Bye.” Eddie raises a hand and his shoulders sink as he makes his way back down the garden path.

“I got a job!” Sarah tells Caroline three weeks later.

“Great! That’s unbelievable! Which one?”

“Well, that’s the problem.” Sarah winces. “There was nothing going on at the local paper, even though they said they’d consider freelance features, and none of the others got back to me. I was at the playground yesterday and I ran into Jennifer Lucas.”

“Don’t tell me! You’re going to be working at the spa!”

“Only part-time, but I told her I was thinking about doing something and she said she could really do with some help now that the holiday season is starting. She said it’s her busiest time.”

“God, I love that spa. They have the greatest treatments, not to mention the gym. Please tell me you get discounts.”

Sarah laughs. “I have no clue, but I’m really excited. I thought I’d end up doing something completely different, not working in a spa, but now I think that this is probably a great way to ease myself back into the workplace. I’m really looking forward to it.”

“I think it’s just great!” Caroline enthuses, giving Sarah just the support she needs, because the truth is Sarah isn’t sure. She felt it was ridiculous, a mother of two, an ex-journalist not putting to use any of her journalistic skills. But maybe this would better suit her life right now: a job that doesn’t require any research, doesn’t require any out-of-office hours, merely turning up, sitting at the front desk, being helpful and friendly, and going home at the end of the day without having to think about work again until the next time.

“The only advice I have to give you,” Caroline says, “is make sure you go to bed early. You won’t believe how exhausted you’re going to be, working again, even if it is just sitting at the front desk all day.”

“Well, here’s the greatest thing. I explained my situation with school, and she just wants help in the morning, so I’ll be done by two, and I can pick the kids up and spend the afternoons with them. I swear to you, this couldn’t be any more perfect.”

“Have you told Eddie?”

“No. Should I? I don’t know what he’d think, and he’s also not living here. Now that we’re separated I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell him anymore. I don’t know whether he is a part of our lives or whether he’s not. I feel like I’m in limbo. I never knew how strange this would feel.”

“But you’re still married,” Caroline says. “And he’s still the father of your children. Think about it. If he were making any major life changes, wouldn’t you want to know?”

Sarah nods. “You’re right. I’ll mention it to him the next time he phones.”

“Does he phone you a lot?”

“Mostly to speak to the kids, but maybe I’ll call him instead.” Caroline raises an eyebrow at her and Sarah shrugs. “Okay, okay. I’ll call him. Just not tonight. Let me work out what I’m going to say first.”

A week later Sarah sits cross-legged on the bed and flattens the piece of paper out in front of her as she reviews the topics of conversation she is planning to talk about with Eddie.

It still feels surreal to her. She hasn’t had to write down a conversation list since she was a teenager, and she’s not sure why she feels nervous. He is her husband, and there are things they need to discuss, although Sarah’s not yet ready for the big stuff, the serious stuff, the word that begins with
D
.

Sarah started work two days ago, and already she feels as if the whole town has come in to see whether the rumors are really true. One by one other mothers she knows from preschool, women she has seen at various events, friends of friends have come into the spa expressing surprise at seeing her there.

A few, she knew, were genuinely surprised. A few definitely didn’t know she was working there, but others were
too
surprised, too false in their joy at seeing her, too casually inquisitive about how her life was.

A couple even had the temerity to ask, in deeply concerned tones, whether she was okay, whether they could do anything, could they perhaps bring round a dish for the kids.

“I’m absolutely fine,” Sarah had trilled, given that the women in question were renowned for passing on town gossip.

“How is Eddie liking Chicago?” one had inquired, praying that Sarah would give her the full story.

“He’s very busy,” Sarah had said, although in truth she hadn’t known, hence the phone call now. “Excuse me,” she had said as Jennifer had caught her eye. “I think I’m wanted in the office. But good to see you.” She had smiled widely to hide her exasperation. “Have a great day and thanks for stopping by.”

Is it possible to feel so rejuvenated, so energized after just two days of work? Already Sarah is starting to feel like herself again. True, she still doesn’t recognize the woman in the mirror, but the very fact that she’s doing something for
her
, something that doesn’t involve the children, something that allows her to be surrounded by grown-ups, is making her feel like a real human being again.

And while there are undoubtedly some of her peers who look down at the fact she is working in a mere spa, Sarah is thrilled to rediscover how much she likes people. How much she likes seeing the different faces that come in, how much pleasure she gets in reconnecting with the real world.

It was, she remembers, one of the things she liked most about being a journalist. Back in the early days when she started as a feature writer, she loved being out there and meeting people, going to parties, premieres, events.

In her twenties Sarah had been intensely sociable, and she had thought that she had naturally changed as she grew older, that marriage and children had exhausted her to the point where she didn’t have the time, the energy, or the inclination to meet new people.

And yet here she is, meeting new people all day, and loving every minute of it.

“You’re a natural,” Jennifer had said with a smile at her at the end of her first day. “I’m just worried you’re going to be bored.”

“That’s the last thing you have to worry about,” Sarah had said with a laugh. “I’ve spent the last few years being bus monitor, on the PTA, being room mother. Trust me, this is the most interesting thing I’ve done in years.”

Sarah takes a deep breath and picks up the phone. Eddie’s secretary had e-mailed his new details, and she dials the unfamiliar number, hoping that his answering machine will pick up, that she will be able to say something along the lines of: Hi, how are you? Sorry I missed you but just wanted to let you know that the kids are great and we wanted to wish you luck and by the way I’ve got a new job, which isn’t much but it’s something, and that’s about it, talk to you soon, bye.

But of course Eddie picks up.

“Hi, it’s Sarah,” Sarah says, the thought crossing her mind as she does that who else would be phoning Eddie late at night. What other woman could it possibly be?

Which sets off a whole new chain of thoughts: Would she mind? How would it feel to think of Eddie with someone else? As she starts to imagine she almost snorts with laughter. She can see Eddie now, lying on the sofa, his sock-clad feet on the coffee table, belching as he finishes off his third or fourth beer, reaching out for the last slice of large white pizza on the table.

“Hey,” Eddie says, genuine warmth in his voice. “Nice to hear from you.”

Sarah is slightly taken aback. “So, what’s up?” she says.

“Nothing much. I’m just cooking dinner.”

There’s a pause. “You’re cooking?” Sarah lets out a short bark of a laugh. “Let me guess, you’re putting a frozen pizza in the oven?”

“Good guess, but no. I’m actually sautéing some onions and garlic for a puttanesca sauce.”

“A what?” Sarah is incredulous. “How do you even know what sautéing means, never mind what a puttanesca sauce is? You can’t cook!”

“I realized that pizza and burgers probably aren’t that good for me so I went to the bookstore and asked for a cookbook that was entirely idiot-proof. Let me tell you, I’ve cooked every night this week and the meals have been delicious.”

There are a few moments of shocked silence. “I don’t believe you. What have you cooked?”

“Roasted cod in miso sauce,” Eddie says. “Rosemary and garlic chicken with wild rice…”

“Oh, my God,” Sarah gasps. “You have got to be kidding me! Is this some kind of sick joke where we split up and you suddenly become the perfect man? I suppose you’ve been working out too.” Sarah is joking and laughs until she realizes there is silence on the other end of the phone.

“Just some running in the mornings,” Eddie says, “although I’m thinking of getting a personal trainer.”

“Am I living in
bizarro
world?” Sarah frowns. “Is this Eddie Evans I’m talking to? I think I have the wrong number. I’m really sorry to have troubled you. Good-bye.” And she puts the phone down to try to get her head round what she just heard. The phone rings less than fifteen seconds later.

“You’re nuts,” Eddie says, but he’s smiling. This is the Sarah he fell in love with. The Sarah who had character. Strength. Balls. The Sarah he thought had disappeared.

“I’m not nuts,” Sarah says. “You’re the one who’s gone crazy. Tell me, seriously, were you kidnapped by aliens sometime in the night? Because you are not my husband. My husband’s cooking skills are limited to heating up McDonald’s in the microwave, plus my husband is severely allergic to exercise.”

Eddie sucks in his breath at the sound of the words
my husband
. Sarah doesn’t seem to have noticed but the hope those two words give him is immeasurable—she still thinks of him as her husband! She hasn’t given up on him entirely! Eddie never would have thought such simple words could open up his world so much, but they do. He feels a great cloud lift, as he stands in his tiny kitchen opening a can of tomato sauce.

“Obviously you were a terrible influence on me,” Eddie jokes.

“Thanks a lot,” Sarah’s voice is hard again.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Relax. It’s just there isn’t much else to do with my time here. I don’t know anyone in Chicago other than my colleagues, and I don’t have my family here.” Eddie puts the can of tomatoes down and goes into his living room, where he stares out the window at the tops of the buildings as he leans his head against the glass and cradles the phone into his shoulder. “I miss you, Sarah,” he says gently. “This is really hard, you know.”

“I know,” she says softly. “It’s hard for me too.”

“Can we talk about it? Could you maybe come up with the kids this weekend?”

Sarah shakes her head. “It’s too soon,” she says. “I’m still confused, and I still think we both need some space. I just need to sort my head out, to get some clarity about what our future holds.”

“Okay,” says Eddie sadly. “I understand. So tell me about the kids. How are they? I can’t believe how much I miss them.”

But you were hardly ever with them
, Sarah wants to say. Except she doesn’t. No point in saying that now.

“They miss you too,” is all she says, before she takes a deep breath. “And there’s something else I wanted to tell you.”

Oh, shit, thinks Eddie. Here it comes. He knew it. He knew it. Marriages don’t just dissolve into nothingness because of unhappiness. Marriages only ever end when there’s someone else, and here it comes….

This is the part where Sarah tells him she’s fallen in love with someone else. Someone else is going to be sleeping on his side of the bed. Someone else is going to be waking up with his kids. Someone else will probably be a better father than he has ever been, for do not make the mistake of thinking Eddie is unaware of his failings. Eddie is becoming more and more aware of who he is and what he may have done wrong. He’s just praying it’s not too late to fix it, but as he hears those ominous words the cloud that lifted earlier comes back with a vengeance, bigger and blacker than ever before.

Sarah takes a deep breath. “I got a job.”

And Eddie wants to cry with relief. “Is that it?” he says. “You got a job? There’s nothing else you want to tell me?”

“Like what?” Sarah is flummoxed. This was not the reaction she expected.

“I don’t know,” Eddie lies.

“No, that’s it. But that’s pretty big for me.”

“So what’s the job? No, let me guess. You’re working on the local paper? You’re starting a new magazine? Editing a book?”

“Well, no, actually. I mean, I know I’m a journalist by trade, but I just wanted to start small, just to ease myself back into the workplace, to give me something to do while the kids are in school, and Jennifer Lucas needed some help at the spa, so I’m just helping out at the front desk there.”

“That’s great!” Eddie says. “Honestly, I think that’s great. How’s it going? Are you enjoying it?”

“Actually I love it. I’d kind of forgotten how nice it is to be out of the house and to be surrounded by people. And you know what, if I ever did want to write a book there’s some great material—I’ve already heard some amazing stories.”

“Like what?”

“Okay, I shouldn’t gossip but seeing as you’re in Chicago, you know that uptight Lynn Gorson?”

“The realtor? The one who always pretends she doesn’t know who we are?”

“Exactly! Can you believe that she was caught having sex with the massage therapist in the sauna?!”

“No!”

“I know!” Sarah giggles. “Isn’t that awful?”

“Sounds hot and steamy to me,” Eddie says, “and I don’t mean in a good way. Ugh. Sex in a sauna. Not a good idea. Speaking of good ideas, though, maybe you could offer to help Jennifer with some of her PR. I think the job is great, but it would be even better if you could utilize some of your skills, and I’ll bet she could do with some PR.”

“That’s a great idea!” Sarah says, particularly as it is something that occurred to her as well. “I probably shouldn’t say this,” she says, “but I was really scared about telling you I had a job. I thought you’d belittle it.”

Eddie is bewildered. “But why would I do that? I’ve thought for years that you’d be happier doing something that gets you out of the house. I knew how isolated you were, how difficult it’s been for you sometimes.”

“You did? So why didn’t you say something?”

Eddie shrugs. “I’m saying it now.”

And as he says it he prays it’s not too late.

Sarah sits in silence, flustered. This is not the conversation she expected to have. Eddie is not reacting in the way she expected him to react.

“I have to go now,” she says eventually, to Eddie’s disappointment, but her voice is gentle, and after Eddie puts down the phone he finds himself smiling. The light at the end of the tunnel now seems just a little bit brighter than it did before.

As for Sarah, Sarah is confused. Her world suddenly feels far less stable now than it did when Eddie first left. Sarah doesn’t like not knowing where she stands; doesn’t like her life not being cut-and-dried. First she was married; then she was separated. Soon she had planned on being divorced. So why aren’t she and Eddie screaming at one another the way they had been for months? Years. Why did she enjoy their conversation? Why did her heart thump ever so slightly harder as Eddie picked up the phone?

Sarah takes a deep breath and goes down to the kitchen. When all else fails, she can always rely on Ben & Jerry to make everything feel just fine.