Thin Air (18 page)

Can’t resist a snipe, can you.
She smiled. ‘This is true.’

‘Michaels bothered you yet?’

‘He called, but I left the
machine on.’

‘I got us a video and some fine
Zinfandel to drink tonight.’

Jay turned to him, her face set
into an expression of disappointment. ‘Oh, Gus, I’m going out.’

‘Oh? Where?’

‘Meeting Gina, but I don’t have
to be late back.’

‘You don’t have to, no.’ He left
the room.

Jay’s fingers were tapping
against the edge of her keyboard. She’d been unaware of starting
the movement.
Let it all go back to normal, please.
She let
her left thumb rest against the Return key, watching the paragraph
marks scroll down the empty screen.

Apart from the constant calls
from Zeke Michaels, the next few days passed smoothly. Jay’s muse
was with her, and she sped through all her outstanding work. She
interviewed a visiting American rock goddess, Devon Klein, in The
Savoy, in preparation for a main feature in ‘Track’ magazine. The
couple of days she’d spent with Julie seemed unreal now, as if
she’d only dreamed them, or watched them happening to someone else.
All that talk of Dex speaking to his sister had to be delusional.
Jay had allowed herself to be swept up into it, to share that
madness.

The evening with Gina was fairly
successful; the main evidence of strain being that they parted
company quite early before the pub closed. Jay told her hardly
anything about what had happened in Torton, concentrating on
describing the estate, and the appearance of Dex’s sister. She felt
disloyal doing this, laughing with Gina at Julie’s expense, but the
gossip filled any silences, made it seem as if the conversation was
flowing naturally.

Jay was surprised that Gina
didn’t chastise her for her behaviour. Only a short time before,
she’d advised forgetting all about Dex. Now, it seemed the opposite
was true.

‘Did you see him?’ Gina fired at
her, grinning wickedly.

‘Of course not! Don’t you think
I’d have told you?’

Gina shrugged. ‘He might not
want people to know.’

‘God, you sound like Zeke
Michaels! Sakrilege think I’m in contact with Dex, but I’m
not.’

‘So what are you going to do
about it all now?’

Jay frowned. ‘Nothing. There’s
nothing I can or want to do. It was interesting meeting Julie, and
perhaps helped me put things in perspective, but that’s an end to
it.’ She realised then she was afraid. Her life was too
comfortable. Now she was back in it, she didn’t want it to change.
Absurdly, she felt that Gina didn’t think she was telling the
truth. Perhaps Gus had poisoned her with his paranoiac jealousy.
She tried to steer the conversation back to congenial topics, and
Gina played along, but there was something different in the
atmosphere. It hung between them; unspoken words. Gina didn’t argue
when Jay finished her drink and said she had to hurry home.

Gus was gratified Jay came home
before eleven, which helped improve relations between them. Perhaps
everything was going to be all right. Jay sent Julie a card,
thanking her for her hospitality. Now, she wondered whether she’d
ever see the woman again. She couldn’t imagine how.

On the Friday evening following
her return from Torton, Jay went out to buy some wine. Gus was away
now, but she did not feel ill at ease in the flat. Michaels hadn’t
called her for two days; she presumed he’d given up and the whole
matter was at rest.

The supermarket was nearly
empty, and Jay browsed among the well-stocked shelves, deliberating
over which bottles to buy. The shop was brightly lit, but there
were only a few other customers.

Jay had lived in the city too
long not to be aware immediately when someone was watching her.
Without turning her head, or appearing alert, she managed to
glimpse a tall figure in the corner of her vision. It was clearly a
man; still and watchful. Her brain made quick judgements. She knew
it was possible to be attacked by deranged people, even in public.
Even though she did not risk looking directly at the man, she could
tell there was something wild and unkempt about him. With apparent
nonchalance, she began to move slowly towards the till at the front
of the shop, where she would alert the staff to the possible
danger. Her back crawled as she walked, but she was still surprised
when a hand grabbed hold of her arm from behind. Her first reaction
was anger. Feeling no fear, she wheeled on her assailant, hissing,
‘Fuck off, creep!’

The eyes met hers, clear and
vivid in an otherwise unshaven, grubby face. Cold rushed through
her body like a drug. ‘Dex?’ she said.

He was there in front of her, real and
incontrovertible. He looked like he’d been sleeping rough. She was
filled with relief, horror and the conflicting desires to flee and
stay.

‘Outside,’ he said, dragging her
with him.

He led her past the curious
cashiers by the door. They made no move to ask if she was all
right, and seemed to think it was perfectly normal for someone who
looked like a tramp to drag her out into the street. All the time,
Jay was asking Dex frantic questions. She had no control over them,
and later would not even remember what they’d been. She might as
well have been asking him the time. He answered none of her anxious
queries.

Outside, he pushed her into a
dark side alley that was almost filled with straining black bags of
rubbish. For a brief moment she wondered whether he intended her
harm. This couldn’t be happening. His strange beauty, even beneath
the dirt, was electric. Seeing him was like looking into a mirror
of truth; he was herself, an invisible part of her in flesh. Had
she felt this way about him when they’d been together? Surely
not.

‘Dex, Dex,’ she said. She wanted
to hold him, but couldn’t. It was as if this wasn’t really him.

He reached out as if to touch
her hair or her face, then curled his hand into a fist by his side.
‘Jay, you must leave it,’ he said slowly, as if the words were
coming from some sealed, but leaking, part of himself. ‘Do you
understand? Don’t touch it.’

‘What?’ She shook her head.
‘Where have you been? Why didn’t you...?’

He put long, dirty fingers
against her lips. She could smell earth on him, as if he’d been
scratching at soil. He wore a long coat that was too large for him.
It reeked of damp places. But for his eyes, he might be a corpse
that had clawed its way to the light. ‘No, no. Listen. You must let
it all lie. Keep safe. Keep your life.’ His voice was bitter.

‘Did Julie tell you I’d been to
see her? You’ve kept in touch with her, haven’t you? Why did you
leave me, Dex? Why shut me out and not her?’

He closed his eyes, veiling
their light. This was not the man she had met at a party all those
years ago. This was some iconic form of him, like a spirit. She was
conversing with an image she’d invented, or had been invented by
others. ‘I won’t explain,’ he said.

Not “can’t”, or even a
suggestion she wouldn’t understand; just plain refusal.

‘Have you been on the
street?’

He looked away from her, staring
into some distant place. ‘No.’

‘You look like you have.’

‘I’ve come a long way to see
you. Jay, you have to get out of the city for a while. Do something
else. Don’t let Sakrilege near you.’

‘They think we’re in
contact.’

‘They would.’

‘And now we are.’

He shook his head vehemently.
‘We’re not. I just had to see you, warn you.’

‘What happened, Dex, what’s
going on? Why did you have to run away? Maybe I can help. Talk to
me.’

‘No! You forgot about me, didn’t
you?’ There was a shade of bitterness in his voice. He shook his
head, eyes closed. ‘No, that was the best thing you did.’ He opened
his eyes to stare at her again. ‘I didn’t want to have to come
here, Jay, but knew I should. You found the box.’

‘There was nothing in it. Just
an empty tape box and a photo. If these are clues, they tell me
nothing. But they make me want to know more. I’m a journalist, Dex.
What else do you expect?’

He smiled. ‘Oh, Jay, you don’t
want to know. You’ve told yourself you don’t want to know. Why lie
to me now? I’m not warning you because of anything you’ll do, but
what others might think you’ll do. You are right to forget the
past. There’s nothing there that’s worth remembering. And those who
try to bring the past into the present are in danger of making it
the future.’

‘Why must I leave the city? What
will happen if I don’t?’

Again, he looked away from her.
‘Someone thought they saw us together, and perhaps they did. That’s
the trouble.’

‘That makes no sense, and it’s
not an answer.’

‘You can never know, because
you’re not the same kind of person I am.’

It was like trying to
communicate with a holographic image, programmed only to say
certain things. His words too were ambiguous. She knew that
essentially they were not communicating. ‘Are you alive, Dex?’

He looked at her steadily for a
moment. ‘In a way. It’s always been like that.’ People might think
his angst was merely arrogant posturing, the behaviour of a spoiled
media brat, but it wasn’t. It riddled him like cancer. There were
others like him, she knew. There always would be; gobbled up and
sucked dry by the industry that was the only channel they had to
communicate their dreams to the people. Sad shamans. ‘What have we
come to?’ she said.

‘Will you leave the city?’

‘I’m not sure.’ She shrugged. ‘I
don’t know if I can.’

He sighed deeply. ‘Try to.’ He
backed away from her and she realised he was about to leave.

‘You’re going to vanish again,
aren’t you?’

He raised a hand. ‘Think about
what I’ve said. It’s serious, Jay.’

‘You can’t!’ She grabbed hold of
his coat, tried to pull him towards her, but he wriggled away from
her as if she was only holding air. He was running away from her
like a hunted creature. She tried to call his name, but it came out
as a wordless shout of grief.

Numbly, she went back into the
shop and picked two bottles of red wine at random off the shelf.
The assistants at the till eyed her with suspicion and some
amusement. When she signed the credit card slip, the signature
didn’t look like her own.

Outside, she wondered whether
she really had just seen Dex or whether it had been some bizarre
hallucination. Maybe the shop assistants had seen her marching out
of the place on her own, babbling at thin air. She shuddered,
increased her pace. Now, the darkness seemed threatening. She
wondered whether she should call Gina and ask her to come over.
Could she possibly tell her what had just happened?

Ahead, she could see the lights
of her living room through the front window. She was nearly home.
It seemed so far. At last, she was at the steps to the door.
Relieved, she delved in her jacket pocket for her keys.

Before she reached the top of
the steps, the headlights of a car parked by the kerb came on,
dazzling her with full beam.
Idiots
, she thought, but then
the car doors were opening, and men were getting out. Jay ran up
the last couple of steps, only to hear Zeke Michaels’ voice saying,
‘Jay, have you been avoiding me?’

She turned to face him, sure
that her expression must betray what had just occurred. He stood
below her, his hands thrust into the pockets of his flying jacket.
‘I’ve been busy, Zeke. What is it?’

‘I’d like to come in and talk to
you. Just a couple of minutes, that’s all.’

Jay had her key in her hand. She
eyed the two other wide-shouldered men standing by Michaels. Could
she just open her door and run inside? She made only a small
movement towards the lock, but one of the men leapt up the steps
and closed a gigantic fist over her hand. He didn’t hurt her. He
looked as if he had the strength of a lion, but clearly didn’t need
to exert it yet. Michaels advanced towards her. ‘What have you been
up to, Jay? You
are
avoiding me, aren’t you.’

She was afraid. There was no
doubt. More afraid than she’d ever been. It could be no coincidence
Michaels was here now. He might even have seen her with Dex down
the road. ‘Come in, then. Make yourself at home!’ She marched ahead
of them into the hallway, and one of the lion men gently closed the
door behind them.

In her flat, she struck a
defiant pose, managed to keep her voice steady, and said, ‘This is
threatening behaviour. What do you want?’ She walked purposefully
to the drawer where she kept a cork-screw - one of many in the
flat. She turned her back on Michaels, to prove her courage and
hopefully, through that, her innocence. Her heart was beating so
fast she could hardly breathe. She willed herself to take deep
breaths, tried to calm herself.

Michaels laughed, but sounded
slightly nervous. This wasn’t his style, she knew that. Someone
else must have sent him here. ‘Oh Jay, why play this game? It would
be so much simpler, much less trouble, if you’d just level with
me.’

‘Over what?’ She busied herself
opening wine. ‘I think it’s about time you told me what’s going
on.’

Michaels sighed theatrically.
‘Where have you been these last few days?’

‘Here in the flat, actually,
although it’s none of your fucking business. You’re here about Dex,
of course. Who’s seen me with him now?’ She couldn’t look at him,
didn’t dare, but it might not seem suspicious: she was
concentrating on pouring the wine. ‘This is all really pathetic.
What are you playing at?’ Steeled, she dared to turn around, the
glass held near her face. She raised an eyebrow at him.

‘You’ve been up north.’

‘Yes, last week. That’s no
secret.’

‘You visited Dex’s sister.’

She shrugged insouciantly. ‘Yes.
What’s so unusual about that? I was his partner once, Zeke.’