Thin Air (17 page)

Jay rested her face against the
branch. She was lying along it and dared not look down. She was
trembling now, afraid to move. Only with her eyes shut was she able
to obey Julie’s coaxing instructions on how to reverse along the
branch. ‘You’re nearly there, keep going.’

She came to rest in the throat
of the tree, surrounded by thick spreading branches. She felt safe
there, caged.

‘It’s not that far,’ Julie said.
‘Jump, I’ll catch you.’

Jay drew her knees up to her
forehead and wrapped her arms around them. She felt so tired. ‘In a
minute.’ It was like being drunk, hanging over the toilet basin,
waiting for the terrible nausea to pass so that she could make it
back to the bedroom. ‘Just leave me.’

Crows were calling, rising and
falling high above in ragged patterns. The trees seemed to have a
sentience that pressed down on her in oppressive waves. She might
never move again. Jay took deep breaths, and raised her head. It
felt so heavy. The sky was white through the bare branches, dancing
with black motes. She would just let herself fall.

It was only a few feet. Julie
caught her as promised. ‘Thought you were doing a swan dive there!’
She pulled twigs from Jay’s hair. ‘Are you all right, love? Scared
of heights?’

Jay nodded and sank to the
ground, to lean against the rough bark. She felt very strange.
Julie handed the box to her. She held it in her hands, turned it
over a few times. ‘It’s locked, corroded.’

Julie handed her a stone. Jay
beat at the old metal until the lid broke free. Now she would know.
Now.

The box was nearly empty, but
for a DAT box and a curled photograph. There were no pages ripped
from a diary, no documents, no letters of explanation. Jay took out
the DAT box. This must be the missing tape. No. The box was empty.
She threw it aside and lifted out the photograph. Dex’s face swam
up into her eyes. He was standing in typical moody pose on the lawn
of a large house. There were a few people behind him, out of focus.
One of them could have been Zeke Michaels, but Jay couldn’t be
positive. Dex was wearing a T-shirt Jay had bought for him.
Whenever this photo had been taken, it had been during his
relationship with Jay. It reminded her of the picture in the
Sakrilege offices’ reception, but there were many photos like that.
A lot of music people had big houses and she couldn’t remember
enough details to be able to tell if this was the same one as in
the Sakrilege picture.

Her vision boiled with bright
specks. She bowed her head.

‘What is it, love?’ Julie’s arm
was firm against her back.

‘There’s nothing.’ Jay looked
up, blinking. ‘What’s this supposed to mean? Was the tape here? Has
someone else taken it?’

Julie frowned, shrugged. ‘Don’t
know. He didn’t say anything to me about a tape.’

‘And this picture.’ Jay waved it
in front of Julie’s face.

Julie took it. ‘Do you know
these people?’

‘I might do. That type all look
the same - like big, greedy animals.’ Jay sighed, taking the
photograph back. ‘The picture isn’t that clear. Why did Dex leave
it here? Did he say anything about it to you?’

Julie shook her head. ‘No. I’m
not sure he came here last time he visited. He didn’t mention
it.’

‘He must’ve done.’ Jay struggled
to her feet. ‘Think, Julie. What about all these ‘messages’ you say
you’re getting from Dex. What are they, what’s their point? Can we
really learn anything from them?’

Julie looked defensive. ‘You
don’t understand.’

‘Then explain,
please
.
I’d really like to know.’

Julie wiped one hand over her
face, Melanie squirming against her. ‘I can’t. I haven’t got the
words. Maybe the words don’t exist.’

‘Talk to him now. Ask him what’s
going on!’

‘It doesn’t work like that.’

‘Then how does it work?’

Julie shook her head. ‘It’s no
good, Jay. You’ll have to be patient. If I feel anything over the
next few days, I’ll try and let you know.’

Jay sighed. ‘Yeah, right.’ She
gazed up through the bare branches, amazed that only minutes before
she’d been up there among them. Julie took the photograph from her
limp hands and Jay watched her scrutinise it.

‘Do you think Dex might be at
this place?’ Jay asked. ‘Is that the clue?’

Julie shrugged. ‘It says
something about him, must do. What does he want us to know?’

‘Ask him,’ Jay snapped, then in
a softer voice, ‘next time you can.’

The flat had a
sullen, brooding atmosphere, as if Gus had left a sour aroma of his
bitterness behind. The place was in disarray, the air sweetly
stale, the curtains drawn. Jay put her bags down on one of the
chairs and stood there for a moment, hardly daring to breathe. Was
Gus somewhere in the flat? Would he come slouching out from a
corner soon to rant and accuse? All she could hear was the distant
sound of traffic, the call of a child in the street. Presently, she
relaxed enough to take off her coat and began to tidy up.

After Jay had found the box, she
and Julie had returned home in silence. Jay had wondered whether
Dex had left the photo deliberately for her to find. He was wearing
the t-shirt she’d bought him - was that a message to show he
understood and appreciated what she had felt for him? Or maybe the
photo hadn’t been for her at all, but had been left simply as a
bitter message to whoever found it. That time, when he’d known fame
and success, had been ephemeral, just images and memories now,
curling at the edges.

Jay had given Julie her phone
numbers, and in return Julie wrote down Marie’s number, in case Jay
should want to get in touch with her urgently. Jay had asked if she
could keep the photograph they’d found, and Julie had agreed. The
two women had achieved a comfortable understanding. They were so
different, yet linked.

At the doorstep, they’d hugged.
‘Don’t take any shit,’ Julie had said.

Jay had smiled wanly. ‘I
won’t.’

Now that she was home, Jay knew
she’d have to call Gina soon, and prepare herself for Gus’
homecoming. There were features waiting to be finished, apologetic
e-mails to be sent. Work to do.

Gus did not turn up, and Jay
shrank from calling him on his mobile. This was ridiculous. It was
her partner she was thinking about. Only a few days ago, their
relationship had seemed OK. How could it reach this disintegrated
state so quickly? And over what? Her own obsession with the past,
or Gus’? They should stop this, stop it now, before it got any
worse. Steeling herself, she dialled his number, only to find he
had his answer service switched on. Jay left a bright, cheerful
message and said she was looking forward to seeing him. ‘Hurry
home,’ she said, inflecting her voice with a throaty purr. She
spent the rest of day working, making calls to arrange new
interviews and browsing through half-finished features on her
computer, making the odd change.

Gus turned up around nine
o’clock, and by this time, Jay had hurried round the corner to the
24-hour supermarket and stocked up on Gus’ favourite snack food;
guacamole, poppy seed crackers, blue cheese. She’d cooked a creamy
casserole of chicken, leeks and garlic and the flat, now tidy, was
lit by soft lighting, aromas floating through in silky strands from
the kitchen. When Gus walked through the door, she thought he could
have been under no doubt that what he walked into was a home. Jay
herself now felt wholly composed, and had pushed all recollections
of the past couple of days from her mind. She had decided she
wanted her life back, the life she had built and found comfort in.
For a moment, she and Gus regarded each other warily, then he
smiled and went to give her a hug. ‘Smells great.’

She kissed him. ‘It’s nearly
ready.’ She paused and said, ‘I’ve missed you.’ She wanted to
believe it, even though it wasn’t true. She hadn’t missed him at
all. She was simply afraid of the consequences of not missing
him.

While they ate, Gus was
controlled enough not to mention her brief disappearance. They
chatted about his work, and Jay listened with unfeigned interest as
he regaled her with odd snippets of gossip he’d picked up while she
was away.

They drank brandy after the
dessert, and then a thread of tension came into the atmosphere.
Now, he would speak his mind. Jay sipped her fiery liquor
nervously. She lit a cigarette.

‘Jay...’ He held his breath,
turned his brandy glass in his hands. ‘We need to talk about what
you did.’

She tried to ignore the
unsettling thump of her heart. ‘I know. I shouldn’t have taken off
like that.’

‘There must have been something
you needed to get out of your system. The question is: did
you?’

She shrugged awkwardly, her eyes
skittering away from his gaze. ‘Perhaps you’re right in what you
say. Certain things have happened recently to remind me of the
past, and - you must believe this - part of my interest was just
professional. There’s a story, Gus, and I wanted to discover
it.’

‘Why now?’

Again, a shrug. ‘Not sure. I
just had to. There’s nothing to get out of my system, and that’s
the truth.’

‘But you jeopardised
us
,
Jay. Some men wouldn’t be as tolerant of it as I am. I appreciate
you have to face the things inside yourself and work them out, but
remember you have responsibilities. It’s for your own good as much
as mine.’

He’s talked to someone, she
thought. These are not his words. He’s too calm. He must have gone
ranting and raving to someone - and it was probably a woman - and
they filled him full of crap. ‘I went up north and stayed with a
woman called Julie, who was Dex’s...’

Gus raised his hands, his face
screwed up into an expression of wounded, yet noble sentiment.
‘Please, don’t tell me about it. I don’t want to know. I don’t want
any names mentioned. All I need to know is that it’s over now. You
did what you had to do and now it’s finished.’

‘Yes, it’s finished.’ She wasn’t
sure if that was true, but if Gus carried on in that tone, she
would get angry. Sanctimonious shit! How dare he speak to her like
that?

He reached out for her hands,
and it took all of her will not to pull away. She had convinced
herself she’d been glad to see him, but now the thought of touching
him infuriated her. She pasted a smile across her face.

‘Let’s just forget it ever
happened,’ he said. ‘I’m going away soon, so we shouldn’t
argue.’

‘You’re right.’ It was like
being in a film; the soft lighting, the forced conversation with
its sticking plaster sentiments. Who had he talked to?

‘That Michaels shit kept calling
you while you were away,’ Gus remarked.

Jay found it easy to mimic his
grimace. ‘Oh God, what does he want now?’

‘Wouldn’t say - to me. You
should ignore it.’

Jay nodded, took a sip of
brandy. ‘Yeah. I will.’

That night, when they went to
bed, she continued to play her part. She felt distanced from what
was happening, because to be otherwise would make her push Gus from
her in disgust. She was a shade on the ceiling, looking down. She
did not like what she saw.

The following day, Jay completed
two features and mailed them off. She contacted everyone she had
put off contacting, and called Gina.

‘What
have
you been up
to?’ Gina demanded, laughter in her voice.

‘I went to see Dex’s sister,’
Jay explained. ‘It was a strange couple of days.’

‘Yes, Gus told us.’

‘Oh, you’ve seen him?’

‘Yeah. He came round one night
while you were away. He was pretty upset, but Dan and I managed to
cool him down.’

Jay felt cold. ‘I wondered who
the other woman was.’

‘Sorry?’

‘Well, I guessed he talked to
someone, because he came out with a load of stuff last night he
wouldn’t have thought up himself. So it was you.’

‘You sound pissed off. Why?’
Gina’s voice had become harder. She did not like to be
criticised.

‘Yeah, I am pissed off,
actually. I don’t expect my best friend to psycho-analyse me with
my insecure boyfriend.’

‘Hey, hang on a minute...’

Jay scraped a hand through her
hair. It could happen again now: another row. She mustn’t let it.
‘Oh, sorry, Ginny. Ignore me. I just had a bit of an ear-bending
from Gus, and it was too patronising for words. I don’t blame you.
Of course you should talk to him. We’re all friends.’ She was
surprised though that Gus had contacted Gina himself, because
previously he’d made it clear, in a subtle manner, that he didn’t
much care for her. And Dan was one of Dex’s old musicians.
Normally, Gus would avoid him. It was all moves in a silly game.
‘How about we go for a drink later?’

Gina sounded hesitant. ‘OK. Are
you all right, Jay?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine. We’ll talk
later.’

Jay got back to work. She heard
the phone ring and decided not to answer it, being in the middle of
constructing a perfect sentence. She heard the answerphone come on,
and presently Zeke Michaels’ tense voice saying, ‘I’m calling for
Jay. Please get her to call me.’

Jay’s hands froze above her
keyboard. It occurred to her that if Gus had spoken to Michaels, he
might have let slip where she’d been. That might be seen as
evidence against her. Michaels might believe she’d gone north to
meet Dex. She shook her head and pushed the thought from her mind.
Leave it, leave it,
she told herself, typing fast.

When Gus put his head round the
door to her tiny work-room, Jay found the first thought in her head
was to question him about what he’d said to Michaels, but checked
herself in time. Reopening that subject would only cause an
atmosphere, if not another row.

‘Busy?’ he asked her.

She nodded. ‘Yeah. Lot to catch
up on.’

‘Well, if you will go haring
off...’