The Worst Romance Novel Ever Written (63 page)

“
We are a family,” Pastor Payton said. “We don’t have to like each other, oh no. We have to love each other.” He stepped around the pulpit. “The Holy Spirit is leading me away from the rest of the sermon today.” He stepped down to the same level as the congregation. “The Holy Spirit is leading me to ask each of you to lead your family up here to the front right now.”

Marion led Angel into the aisle and down front, Gloria trailing behind.

No Paul?
Johnny thought.
Yeah, I wouldn’t take him either. He looks like two hundred pounds of long-haired French sin. They look so pretty, all three of them, even Marion. She’s looking so much younger today for some reason.
He locked eyes with Pastor Payton.
Is this where I come up and claim my family?

Pastor Payton seemed to shake his head. “Now those in need of a family, any orphans out there, y’all come down front.”

Ouch,
Johnny thought.
He said the O-word.

Ouch,
Gloria thought.
Was that word really necessary?

“
These families up here have lots of love to spare for anyone who has never really had a family,” Pastor Payton said.

Okay,
Johnny thought.
Now is when I go up front to claim my family. Now is my time. Or is it God’s time. Or both? This God’s will thing sure is tricky business.
Johnny took a mighty step forward, then another, and another in the sensible shoes Gloria had bought for him.

I didn’t know Johnny could run,
Marion thought.
I hope he doesn’t trip over those big ol’ feet.

When Johnny was almost to the front, Paul slipped across his pew and nearly bumped into Johnny, but Johnny didn’t hesitate or slow down.
I’m a working man, Paul, and you’ll never catch me in those expensive, squeaky tap shoes.

Johnny slipped between Gloria and Angel, taking their hands.

It’s about time,
Gloria thought, fighting tears.
What took you so long, man? And why are my hands sweatier than yours? Your hand should be sliding off mine!

Paul elbowed his way between Marion and Angel but could only reach Angel’s hand.

That’s all right, pretty man,
Marion thought.
This will be the last time you ever try to come between me and my grandchild. A new sheriff has come to town, and you are not him.

“
We are the family of God, the sons and daughters of God,” Pastor Payton said, raising his arms. “We are a community of believers. Now look at each other.”

Johnny looked at Paul’s shoes.
Fifty bucks a toe at least. What a waste of … oh, I don’t know … lizard leather!

Gloria looked at Johnny’s hair.
He needs a haircut, and his barber missed that ear hair again! I can’t wait to pluck it!

Marion looked at Johnny’s feet.
Big hands, big feet, what a treat that can’t be beat. I’m gonna have at least three more grandbabies.

“
This is your family from now on, whether you like it or not,” Pastor Payton said. “Just like your natural family, you’re stuck with them.”

We are a family of feet,
Johnny thought, staring at four pairs of sensible shoes and one pair of insensible shoes.
Which feet don’t belong? Let me see … The pointy tap shoes need to be tapped out.

“
Make a family circle, y’all,” Pastor Payton said.

Marion shot her hand to Johnny’s hand, effectively shutting Paul from the circle. Angel had no choice but to release Paul’s hand then reach behind Johnny’s back to take Paul’s hand.

We are one complicated circle,
Gloria thought.
But at least we’re round.

“
Look at each other and repeat after me,” Pastor Payton said. “I love you.”

Silence filled the church.

Pastor Payton hummed. “The super-saved are in full force today. Say it. Say, ‘I love you.’”

Paul looked around Marion and down at Angel. “I love you, Angel.”

Angel only nodded. “Thank you, Daddy.”

Ouch,
Johnny thought.

Ouch,
Gloria thought.

That’s right, baby girl,
Marion thought.
He’s only your daddy. No need to get mushy.

Johnny crouched down. “I love you, Angel.”

Angel looked down at her shiny shoes. “I love you, Johnny.”

Yeah,
Gloria thought, tearing up and shaking,
this is Angel’s father. It took her a long time to find him, but here he is!

This is fun!
Johnny thought. He turned to Marion. “I love you, Marion.”

Marion rolled her eyes. “Tell me anything.” She smiled. “I love you, too, Johnny.”

Johnny turned to Gloria. “I still love you, Gloria, and I know I always will.”

“
And I love you, Johnny,” Gloria said.
And I mean it! Kiss me now! Lift me off the ground! I don’t care if you embarrass me in front of everybody! Dance with me!

Johnny dipped in as if to kiss Gloria but gathered Marion and Angel closer instead. They formed a four-way hug while Paul released Angel’s hand, backed away, seemed to bow, and returned to the pew.

That’s right,
Johnny thought.
They’re my family now. I’ll give them a ride home in a real car. You run along to South America now. Go on and dig, ya dig?

“
What I say unto one, I say unto all,” Pastor Payton said, repeating the familiar benediction. “Watch and pray. Live holy everyday.”

Marion kissed Johnny’s cheek.

Angel shook Johnny’s hand.

Gloria couldn’t stop crying. “I’m so happy right now I could just burst. You’re here, you’re finally—”

Johnny shut up Gloria with kisses.

Gloria stopped crying.

Marion said, “Amen. Ooh, now. Remember where y’all are.”

“
Mama, you’re embarrassing me,” Angel said.

Johnny winked at Angel and Marion and continued to kiss Gloria.

There was, he decided, really nothing better to say to his sweet patootie.

49

“
Gloria?”

“
Yes?”

“
We’re all
a-low-un.
”

Gloria looked around the darkened sanctuary. “Yeah. Who turned out the lights?”

“
God’s mood lighting,” Johnny whispered. “He invented it.”

Gloria snuggled her head into Johnny’s chest. “Yeah.”

“
Gloria?”

“
Yes, Johnny?”

“
Is this what real romance is all about?” Johnny asked.

“
I don’t know. I guess so.”

He pushed her gently from him and held her at arm’s length. “I mean, all that misery, pain, and suffering.”

“
Sometimes it happens, but not all the time.”

“
But it’s all so unbelievable, right?”

Gloria pulled her man to her. “Maybe that’s what romance really is. It’s unbelievable. I didn’t think it could happen to me, and then it did.”

“
After I was gone!”

He will never let me forget that.
“Yes.”

“
Very weird.”

“
True.”

He kissed her nose. “Still working the night shift?”

I smell a tangent coming.
“Most of the time.”
But kiss me again!

“
So how will we make fifteen kids?”

“
Quickly?”

Johnny smiled. “If we’re going to have fifteen kids, we need to practice hard on the first one, our starter baby.”

Gloria laughed. “A starter baby?”

“
Yeah. We get to practice and make a bazillion mistakes with the first one, so by the time number fifteen rolls around, we’ll have a perfect child. The first one, though, will need years of therapy and probably go on talk shows talking bad about us.”

“
You’re silly.” She heard the speaker system cut off with a crack. “We’re really all
a-low-un.
”

Johnny nodded and dug into his pocket, pulling up a handful of change and spreading it out on the pew behind him. “It’s here somewhere.”

“
What’s there?” Gloria looked at seat.
Oh, I see it! A ring! It’s nice! Why doesn’t he see it? It’s right there! Do you need glasses? God, heal this man’s eyes!
Gloria pointed at the ring for good measure.

Johnny held up a penny instead. “A penny for your thoughts, penny lane, four score and seven years ago today, you’ll never get me, copper.”

Gloria laughed.
It’s the circular one with the diamond on it! What’s it say on the inside? “Forever, my love.” I’m going to cry! And I’m going to scream if you don’t give it to me right now!

Johnny held up a nickel. “Look. A UVA man who made something of himself. I could grow a ponytail like that. The Louisiana Purchase? What happened to Tommy’s little house? Not my style, though. Too neoclassic.”

“
Just give it to me.”

Johnny held up a dime. “I like Ike. A dime man is a girl’s best friend. Get it? A dime man?”

Oh, that was horrible!
“C’mon, Johnny.”

Johnny held up a quarter. “Vermont? The pancake state. Maple syrup for everyone! Gonna go out and shoot me some vermonts.” He finally picked up the ring. “Kind of looks like yoga position number thirty-four, doesn’t it?”

Gloria had had enough. “What kind of a proposal is this?”

“
A bad one?”

Gloria giggled. “Just give me the ring.”

Johnny held it back. “Look, doll face, I’d like to, you know, give you this ring and then get all hot and bothered with you, but we’re in God’s house, and that sort of thing doesn’t happen here unless maybe your mind is wandering during the sermon and you start having carnal fantasies to pass the time. Besides, I am an incorrigible rogue who hasn’t spoken to you in months and—”

Gloria shut Johnny up with kisses.

Johnny liked getting shut up with kisses.

They kissed for a long time in the sight of God, both of them wondering if God minded two of His orphan children kissing in front of Him.

Johnny pulled back and dropped to his knees with a thump. He slid the ring onto Gloria’s finger.

“
It’s so beautiful, Johnny,” Gloria said, tears streaming from her eyes. “I never thought I’d get one of these, I mean, I haven’t ever really loved anyone, you know, but I already told you that, and here you are, and here I am in my church of all places crying my eyes out and wanting you to hold me forever and never let me go, but—”

Then Johnny stood and shut Gloria up with more kisses and a lower back massage.

Gloria wished they weren’t in God’s house at that moment so Johnny could continue massaging in other places. She asked God’s forgiveness and closed her eyes.

Johnny pulled back first. “I know what we’re going to name our first child,” Johnny said.

Gloria’s eyes snapped open. “What?”

“
Glonny.”

“
Glonny?”

“
Glonny. Or Johnoria? No. Johnoria sounds like a disease. We could call her Sparky.”

Gloria laughed. “Shut up and kiss me some more.”

Johnny kissed her once, tenderly, and held her face. “Gloria, we need to talk.”