The Worst Romance Novel Ever Written (59 page)

Gloria smiled. “The jail isn’t a nice place.”

The man nodded. “I know. I just need a place.”

Don’t we all,
Gloria thought. “What you need is something to eat and something to drink.”

The man shook his head. “You give me the money, and I can take care of all that.”

“
If I give you the money, you’ll just go smoke it up or drink it up,” Gloria said.

The man shrugged. “A man has to have his hobbies.”

Gloria liked this man, despite his attempt at armed—fingered?—robbery because he would make a wonderful character for Johnny’s book. She almost reached for a napkin. Instead, she walked to a cooler, took out a Pepsi, plucked two bags of chips from a display, and set them on the counter in front of the man. “My treat.”

“
Shoulda waited till you left,” the man muttered, but he tore into a bag of chips and sipped some Pepsi.

“
My pastor can help you, sir,” Gloria said.

“
Religion?” the man said with a frown. “Tried that. I’d rather go to jail.”

“
He’ll give you a place to stay,” Gloria said. “He’ll make sure you get something to eat. He might even help you find a job.”

The man finished the first bag of chips. “I’d rather have the money, if you don’t mind.”

Gloria narrowed her eyes. “I mind.”

“
Thought you might,” the man said.

“
Pastor Payton can be here in fifteen minutes, he won’t ask any questions, and if you ask him, he won’t preach at you.”
For the first hour,
Gloria thought.
After that, you’re on your own.

“
Payton?” the man said. “That wouldn’t be Pete Payton, would it?”

“
It would.”

The man guzzled half the Pepsi. “I used to play football with him. He played corner, and I played strong safety.”

That man looks sixty, and Pete is only ten years older than me,
Gloria thought. “So he’ll remember you, um …”

“
Oh,” the man said. “Name’s Roland, Roland Carr.” He looked behind Gloria. “You mind if I get some smokes?”

“
Yes.” Gloria dialed Pastor Payton. “Pastor Payton, Gloria Minnick.”

“
Just one pack is all,” Roland whispered. “What’s that to her?”

“
You remember Roland Carr?” Gloria asked.

“
Sure, sure,” Pastor Payton said. “He’s in trouble, isn’t he?”

“
Yes, Pastor,” Gloria said.

“
Where’s he at?” Pastor Payton asked.

“
Here at the Quick-E-Mart on Colonial,” Gloria said.

“
Be right there,” Pastor Payton said.

Pamela Jean stirred and sat up. “Are we still being robbed?”

“
No,” Gloria said, helping Pamela Jean to the stool. She pointed at Roland. “This customer and I were just having a little chat.”

Roland waved.

Pamela Jean waved. “Hey.”

Roland smiled.

Pamela Jean cringed. She counted her nails and only got to seven. “Were we being robbed?”

I need a new job, I need a new job, I need a new job …
“Yes, we were being robbed, but it’s over now,” Gloria said. “You all right?”

Pamela Jean held up her hands. “I broke three nails. Where do you think they are?”

Time for some damage control.
“Pamela Jean, why don’t you go in the office and rewind the tape so you can see where your nails are.”

Pamela Jean nodded rapidly. “That sounds like a great plan.” She left the stool, went into the office, and closed the door.

And if I’m lucky, she’ll accidentally erase or damage that tape,
Gloria thought.

Pastor Payton arrived a few minutes and two empty chips wrappers later. He swept into the store and gave Roland a man-hug. “My man! Can you still run the forty in four-five?”

Roland looked at the counter. “Depends on who’s chasing me.”

Pastor Payton laughed. “You hungry?”

Roland nodded. “Could go for some wings.”

Pastor Payton smiled at Gloria. “Then let’s go get some wings. The Kroger’s still open.”

“
We’re getting frozen wings?” Roland asked.

Pastor Payton turned Roland toward the door. “Sure, Rolly. We’ll get some and fry ‘em up at the church.”

“
I can’t believe you’re a preacher now.” Roland looked back at Gloria. “Last time I seen him, he was smoking some Newports and carrying on at the Black Angus.”

My pastor used to smoke and go to the Black Angus?
Gloria thought.
No wonder he can talk to everyone.

“
I’ve changed a lot over the years, Roland,” Pastor Payton, moving Roland to the door now.

“
You ain’t gonna get all preachy on me, are you?” Roland asked.

“
I’ll tone it down for a teammate,” Pastor Payton said, opening the door.

Roland stepped through. “Do we have to go to Kroger, though? I coulda robbed that place tonight …”

The door closed, leaving Gloria alone to think.
Pastor Payton will have that man in a suit and tie and saying “Amen!” by the end of the month.
She looked at the hands that Johnny found so interesting.
He had Johnny in a suit and tie in less than a week.

She started toward the office but pivoted and returned to her stool.
I’ll deal with her eventually, just not now.

Oh,
I would just love to tell Johnny what happened here tonight! It would go so wonderfully in his book.
Her eyes followed a set of headlights going by.
I wish I didn’t miss you so much, Johnny, but I do. My life has been … ordinary without you.

She closed her eyes.
Lord, I don’t ask You for much. In fact, I don’t ask You for much of anything. Why is that? I know You supply all my needs, and I’m grateful, it’s just … I need You to do something for me. I need You to either get Johnny out of my head …

She shook her head as the tears came.

No. I can’t ask that of You.

She opened her eyes and looked up. “Just … bring him back, okay?” she whispered. “Just for a little while, a few minutes. Have him stop for gas or something.”

Please.

The office door opened, and Pamela Jean scurried behind the counter, bending down in front of the stool. “And here they are! Great idea, Gloria!” She held up the broken shards of her nails. “I hope they still fit. We sell Krazy Glue, don’t we?”

Gloria bit her lip to keep from screaming.
Johnny, I think I’ve found the real Cat Mann.

Now if only you’d find me.

44

Three months had passed, and Johnny had settled into the routine of the working man again. Up at eight, cold shower, one egg on a hotplate, off to visit banks until noon, changing oil, hot-plugging tires, and handing tools to more skilled mechanics until eight, sweeping up, locking up, chasing Greasy, the garage’s pet cat, hitting the cot by eleven.

It was a living, but he wasn’t really living.

And he knew why.

Every thing, place, person, and situation still reminded him of Gloria. He’d see a GM vehicle and think of her because of her initials. Around Berglund Chevrolet, where he sometimes traveled to pick up parts for the Vega, he thought about Gloria a lot. He’d pass a church and think of Gloria turning the pages of her Bible with those interesting hands. He’d see a gas station and see Gloria turning on the pump. He’d get a lollipop stick stuck to his shoe and remember all the Dum-Dums that she used to give him. News from Los Angeles, city of the Angels, made him think of Angel in her glasses poring over a dusty book filled with dustier tombs. A lemonade stand set up in front of the library made him think of sweet and sour Marion.

All hybrids reminded him of Paul, even hybrid plants at Home Depot, especially the French-sounding ones. He often wanted to buy them so he could plant them in the cracks of the parking lot and later watch customers crushing them to death.

Johnny’s list of enchanted objects grew longer every day. He could look at a gum wrapper and remember the time Gloria kissed him as McDonald’s wrappers swirled around him in front of The Roanoker. He could look at laundry drying on lines behind houses and think of the crummy sheet he and Gloria used in the corner of his old apartment. He could look at a bottle cap, connect it to root beer, and remember Gloria as brown, sweet, and bubbly.

None of this was good for Johnny’s psyche, but Johnny’s psyche wasn’t exactly complaining. At least it was getting a good workout.

What doesn’t remind me of her?
He decided to pick something harmless, and as Greasy the cat was slinking by, he focused on her.

Greasy the cat … eww … coughing up a hairball … what a harmless kitty, a wimpy cat … Cat with a capital C … Cat Mann … Mann with two N’s … “Mannish Boy” by Muddy Waters … “Water’s hot, come and get your hot chocolate!” … Gloria was both.

“
Grr,” Johnny growled.

He decided to try again.

He looked up and stared at the ceiling, which was fifty feet high …
Metal building … building a wall … walls came tumbling down … Jericho … Joshua fought the battle of … Of Mice and Men … Steinbeck once described a turtle crossing the road for ten pages … Pages served knights … Knights of the Round Table … Table for two … two to tango …
Tango and Cash
was a stupid movie … movie madness … madmen … Men’s room … room for hire … gun for hire … Gunn was the name of the character that Gloria hated—

“
Geez!” Johnny shouted.

He decided to try a third time.

He left his hovel and looked around the shop, focusing on the drain …
My life is going down the … “the” is the most used written word in the English language … the English language has too many freaking rules … rules of thumb … thumb body’s knockin’ at the door … Doris Day … Day-O … “O-M-G,” she said, one letter at a time—

“
O-M-G,” Johnny whispered, “I miss her so much.”

A little after eleven on a Saturday night in early June, the building cooling down to a temperate eighty-seven degrees, the phone rang. Johnny went to the counter and answered. “AB Auto Repair and Towing, we’re closed.”

“
Gonna be at church tomorrow?”

Pastor Payton?
“Um, I’m really tired, Pastor. A little under the weather. Summer cold that just won’t go away.”

“
Best place to be when you’re sick is in church,” Pastor Payton said. “Good place to get healing.”

“
Um, well, I’ve been taking this nasty tasting stuff,” Johnny said.

Someone
was
knocking on the door.

“
Hold up, um, Pastor,” Johnny said. “Someone’s, um, here.”

He went to the door, looked through the tiny window, and saw Pastor Payton snapping his cell phone shut.

Johnny opened the door.

“
Hey, Doc,” Pastor Payton said. “Mind if I come in?”

Johnny stepped aside.

“
Haven’t seen you a quite a while, Doc.”

Johnny hung up the phone. “Yeah. Um, sorry about that. You see, well …” Johnny looked for a place to hide from Pastor Payton’s smile. “Um, as you probably already know, Gloria and I kind of, well, broke up.”

Pastor Payton sat in a metal folding chair. “No need to explain. Them Minnick women can be impossible, can’t they?”

Johnny held his tongue.
They were, he knew, impossible. He also knew they had supernatural hearing.

Pastor Payton sighed. “Gloria’s found someone else anyway.” Pastor Payton nodded. “And I don’t like him a bit. Just the sight of him crushes my spirit somehow. I know I shouldn’t let it, but … there it is. He has a permanent frown on his face. Prettier hair than mine, too.” He laughed. “I think he tries to out-dress me every Sunday. Can you imagine that?”