The Willow Tree: A Novel (28 page)

Alright!!!! Goddamn Mush, that be cool…yeah, right the fuck on bro.

So things be pretty cool since then, eh? You an your family be swingin?

Thats what Im thinking. So many years of such pain an misery like no one is knowing…but we/re together…thats enough pain for us an—

Right on bro. I be withyall.

Moishe smiled faintly and nodded his head, Ya, Im thinking enough. Then Karl-Heinz is dead and Im wondering can there really be a God…can this really be????

                  silence…. Bobby staring at Moishe….Moishe shaking his head in bewilderment….We/re becoming citizens and celebrating, now we/re belonging someplace, now we have a country,
our
country. We/re so proud…so happy. Even my business, Im having a little store with MOISHE CONTRACTING on the window—wistful, nostalgic smile on his face, Bobby grinning—So again Im having my own business…and we even are having a willow tree….

                  So…we/re becoming Americans—smiling at Bobby, eyes bright—we/re happy

suddenly Moishe bent over, covering his face with his hands, O Bobby—his voice muffled, wet, his body twitching with a sob, silent, only the sound of his breath between his fingers, his body jerking periodically, Bobby staring wide eyed, leaning toward Moishe, his hands reaching out, his mind confused….

       eventually Moishe took his hands away from his face, Its not Im expecting no troubles, who can live without trouble…no pain? Life is life. But we/re thinking so much suffering and now we/re living a normal life, pain, ya, but….

                  Moishe took a deep breath and closed his eyes and shook his head, How such a thing can happen. We/re not even knowing Vietnam. We hear sometimes on the radio, but wheres Vietnam? We/re not thinking, war, me and Gertrude, we/re thinking life, happiness…we work hard. Then Karl-Heinz is being drafted and still we/re not thinking something can happen. How can it? All thats in the past. We cant be again in the suffering—Moishes eyes pleading as he looks at Bobby—But we/re wrong…all is wrong and Karl-Heinz is dead. Gertrude is getting the telegram…2:37 in afternoon. After 6 Im coming home and shes sitting in chair, staring at wall and on floor is telegram and her arm is hanging like so…just like so…and inside me everything is big knot and pain like Im not knowing for so many years…like everything is gone…like heaven and earth gone…like air gone…like theres nothing just something so black and terrible inside and I see the telegram on the floor and I fall into chair and Im sitting, looking at Gertrude…Im not knowing how long Im sitting so, but is so dark Im only seeing Gertrude not clear and I lift her arm and hold her hand and kneel on the floor beside her…I dont know Bobby, maybe hours Im kneeling there holding her hand and Im not understanding, havent we suffered enough? Everything was ripped from our lives and we struggled to make a new life and now our only child is dead…dead. Troubles, yes, but not to bury our child. No. NO!!!! O Bobby I scream at god and tell him No, NO! But still after screaming we/re burying our child and all our tomorrows are in a box buried in the ground…just a box in the ground—shaking his head, staring at the ground, Bobby still leaning toward him, bewildered, confused, wanting to do something but able only to stare at him and feel like reaching to him—Im thinking there cant be a god. I have to think there cant be a god. If theres god what kind of god???? What kind of god is allowing this…is taking from us our child? And then Im thinking god is allowing the camps hes allowing our son to die. Theres a difference????

The sun was almost completely set and the boats on the water had turned on their running lights and they were reflected in the water as were the lights from the buildings near the river. The sky was streaked with color that was disappearing into the dark blue that would soon be the evening sky. Moishe took another deep breath and raised his head, I dont know how long we/re not talking, me and Gertrude. Maybe only few words for days…whos knowing, maybe weeks—shrugging—who knows. Im thinking to kill myself, that Im not standing the pain. Is impossible to be living in this world. But Im killing myself and Gertrudes alone so somehow I live. For so long a time Im not working but friends are helping…bring food, hugging, talking…Here, eat a little soup—Moishes pain made Bobby speechless even though he felt so many things within him struggling to be said.

Moishe and Bobby looked at each other with compassion, seeming to nod at each other though their heads were still….

Ya….Ya…then again Gertrude is cooking…and Im working. Still we/re not talking much—shrugging—maybe little bit nothing talk, and I work I say nothing. Im doing the job and Im leaving….Ya, doing the job and Im leaving. But still is terrible thing inside just like in camp and Im remembering Sol but who Im wishing happy? Who Im pointing to and hating and wishing happy? Im sitting in my workshop, is maybe months later, Im wondering how long is this pain and Im realizing maybe forever….Ya, maybe is forever the pain, like before. So who Im wishing happy? I wish happy the president? the army? Im wishing happy Vietnam? Im beating my head with my fists and Im not knowing who to wish happy, I dont know even who to hate—shrugging and tossing his hand in the air—and all I hear is the sound of my fists on my head, over and over. Who knows again how long? I stop and Im seeing puddle of water on floor and realize Im crying. My face is wet and stiff and on floor is a puddle. Tears. All my tears. Achhh—bolting up and waving his arms—Time is again stopping and Im not knowing is late. I look at clock on wall Im thinking its saying 8 oclock, but—shrugs and shakes head—So Im telling myself I should go home. Inside Im knowing I should go home but Im feeling like Im tied to the chair, but I move, Bobby, I dont know how long to get up from chair. Its like a horrible dream to get to the door, but I go home. Gertrude is frantic, all trembling, crying, Im not knowing what shes saying and shes hitting me and hugging me and Im dying inside and I hold her and shes calming down and Im wondering what is happening….Im even looking for a telegram, something….but soon shes only crying then shes looking at me and saying Im late. Ya, shes saying Im late and shes calling the store and Im not there and shes thinking something is happening to me and all of a sudden shes alone…O God, how terrible…shes feeling like Im dead and shes alone in a strange house in a foreign country, and she doesnt know what to do or who to call or where to go, shes just sitting trembling and crying being all alone and how shes going to bury now me and be coming home to here, this place and Bobby Im suddenly realizing how shes feeling, how everything inside is hollow and pain and shes so terrified O Bobby Im just holding her and kissing her and telling her I love her and Im knowing in my heart who to wish happy. Its only then Im knowing who I want should be happy…only then when Im seeing in her eyes the hand of death…ya, then I know…

                     and so again I have a reason to live….

       So…somehow we/re surviving—tilts his head back in reminiscence and smiles—but always Im seeing in my picture mind we/re holding hands…ya we/re sitting in the kitchen, maybe morning, maybe night, and sometimes we/re not talking, just sitting and holding hands…and sometimes we/re looking at each other and smiling, and one day we/re laughing and then its already a couple of years Karl-Heinz is dead and we go on….Ya, we got through together me and Gertrude, and….

                                   Moishe smiled warmly at Bobby who was looking at Moishe with admiration, respect and confusion, and they both huddled deeper into their jackets as the wind became stronger and cooler, and after standing for a few moments they started walking home, huddled against the wind, but still experiencing the warmth coming from each other.

Bobby pushed a little harder during his workout the next morning…and he sat on the rowing machine, gasping, panting, forcing himself to go the extra length by visualizing Maria…his sweet little Maria who was so cool and could outslick every chick on the block…oooo she was so sweet and knew how to hug him so he felt good all over…and some more…and summoning up all his hatred for Raul and seeing his fist smashing his face over and over…and even as he hung on the oars waiting to be able to move, he continued to see Rauls battered face.

In the whirlpool he once more relaxed and let go of his body, and the image, and simply felt free as he floated, weightless, his eyes closed, a sense of freedom from everything flowing through him….

                  until he once again became aware of the warm, whirling water.

When Bobby sat at the kitchen table Moishe noticed he had a pensive, reflective expression on his face, the same look he always had when he was mulling over something. He watched him for a moment, then went to the stove.

Bobby started buttering the fresh rolls, You be out early, eh Mush?

Ya. Is good the rolls, ya?

Right on Mush.

Moishe sat at the table as Bobby ate, Is really changing the weather. Is winter time. Snowing but all wet and everything slides.

Yeah, it figures. Get a couple nice days an soon the wind be whippin your ass an the snow goin down your neck.

Moishe smiled, Ya.

They were quiet for several minutes, Moishe noticing the old look had returned to Bobbys face. Eventually Bobby looked at Moishe, You really be lovin your woman, eh Mush?

Gertrude? Ya, we are loving…all those years we are loving. Is never stopping. Im always loving my Gertrude and shes always loving me.

Bobby closed his eyes and shook his head, That be cool Mush, that—he suddenly stopped and stared at the wall across the room then looked at Moishe, You say it be snowin?

Moishe stared at him, bewildered, Ya…wet. Everyone slide.

Bobby nodded slightly in response, then stared at the wall again for a moment, nodding his head to some inner thought, then suddenly stood up—Yeah—and quickly left the room.

Moishe blinked and stared, and was still sitting in the same position when Bobby came back into the room dressed to go outside, bundled up with gloves and boots. Moishe started to remind him to put on a scarf, then closed his mouth and swallowed as he felt, again, that terrible pain in his gut, the horrible hole chewing its way up to his throat and wrapping it self around his heart.

I gotta be goin out Mush. See you later.

And he was gone. Just like that he was gone and Moishe remained immobile, remembering it was just a few minutes ago, it seemed, Bobby sat down at the table and they were talking and he felt something in his spine and could feel himself trying to explain something and all of a sudden hes gone…gone without his scarf…today with wind and snow hes going out, again, without his scarf…and this time its daylight… daylight…and no scarf around his neck to be used as a weapon against him. Daytime.

They never be expecting me in daytime, no fuckin way. They be so busy tryin to keep they ass warm and dry they not be seein me comin up onem….Yeah, muthafucka number 2 goin be eatin some shit today….

                              moving quickly and silently through the deserted lots, peering into the wet snow just enough to protect his eyes but still aware of everything around him, always alert to what may be around the next corner, behind him or just out of sight, aware that his enemies did not know he was tracking them.

He suddenly turned south for a block and went through a deserted building, then turned east until he came to an inhabited part of the area just on the fringe of his hood, changing directions as often, and suddenly, as possible until he reached their hood, then kept the breeze at his back as much as possible, constantly checking everything out around him and especially behind him, but wanting to be certain that if he suddenly met someone they would have the snow and breeze in their eyes and face, knowing they would always be looking at the ground. He checked out all the places he knew they hung out, but didnt stay in the area long, always ducking into a known doorway and emerging on another street, sometimes a few streets distant, circling in another direction, knowing that sooner or later he would see one of them and all he had to be was patient and he would have his chance…just be cool and keep checking everything out. It was still early in the day and someone would be going to the store for something…milk, bread, something and all he had to do was stay alert and keep looking through the snow and remind himself that they wouldnt see him until it was too late, but he would be checking them out as soon as they showed their face…and again he turned west and went through an alley and over a fence to come back north then turn west with the breeze and snow at his back, and after a couple of hours of circling and concentrating on his mission to ward of the cold, he saw Luis going into the bodega and stopped in a doorway across the street where he could see the check-out counter, and when Luis was at the register, he started across the street and let him walk a few feet north before rushing across the street and coming up beside him just as he was passing a doorway and Bobby slammed into him and threw him through the doorway and banged Luis’ forehead against the wall, then did it again and again until he was almost unconscious, then quickly dragged him down the hallway and out through the air-shaft to the alley and slammed him against the wall again and allowed him to slump to the ground, still silent, concentrating with all his will and energy on what he was doing, quickly going through Luis’ pockets and taking his knife, then pulling his pants down around his ankles, shoving his face into the ground when he started to moan, then dragging him over a couple of feet when he noticed a pile of shit covered with flies and shoved his face in it, then pulled his head up by the hair and jammed it back in the pile of shit, feeling Luis almost losing consciousness, and slicing a message for Raul on the back of Luis’ jacket: YOU BE DEAD RAUL and started to leave but his hate continued to boil and he struggled to keep aware of what was going on around him but got caught in feeding his hate and was immobilized for a fraction of a second then Luis started to moan and Bobby quickly looked around to see if anyone was behind him, then shoved Luis face back into the shit and stuck the knife in his buttocks and quickly turned and vaulted the fence and ran through the adjoining building and through its cellar until he came back to the street south and west of the alley, not rushing too fast along the street, but again becoming a part of the traffic, knowing Luis would be unable to move for a few minutes and when he tried to stand he would trip over his pants and fall down and by then Bobby would be long gone as he was right now, turning a corner and once more keeping the breeze at his back and going down an alley that took him in a southeasterly direction and would terminate by an empty lot with a large outdoor advertising sign and piles of rubbish and large cardboard cartons and packing crates that bums lived in from time to time, then turned west until once more the sounds of traffic were distant and he was the only one walking the streets.