The Vicar of Wakefield (14 page)

'My patience,' continued my son, 'was now quite exhausted: stung
with the thousand indignities I had met with, I was willing to cast
myself away, and only wanted the gulph to receive me. I regarded
myself as one of those vile things that nature designed should be
thrown by into her lumber room, there to perish in obscurity. I had
still, however, half a guinea left, and of that I thought fortune
herself should not deprive me: but in order to be sure of this, I
was resolved to go instantly and spend it while I had it, and then
trust to occurrences for the rest. As I was going along with this
resolution, it happened that Mr Cripse's office seemed invitingly
open to give me a welcome reception. In this office Mr Cripse
kindly offers all his majesty's subjects a generous promise of 30
pounds a year, for which promise all they give in return is their
liberty for life, and permission to let him transport them to
America as slaves. I was happy at finding a place where I could
lose my fears in desperation, and entered this cell, for it had the
appearance of one, with the devotion of a monastic. Here I found a
number of poor creatures, all in circumstances like myself,
expecting the arrival of Mr Cripse, presenting a true epitome of
English impatience. Each untractable soul at variance with fortune,
wreaked her injuries on their own hearts: but Mr Cripse at last
came down, and all our murmurs were hushed. He deigned to regard me
with an air of peculiar approbation, and indeed he was the first
man who for a month past talked to me with smiles. After a few
questions, he found I was fit for every thing in the world. He
paused a while upon the properest means of providing for me, and
slapping his forehead, as if he had found it, assured me, that
there was at that time an embassy talked of from the synod of
Pensylvania to the Chickasaw Indians, and that he would use his
interest to get me made secretary. I knew in my own heart that the
fellow lied, and yet his promise gave me pleasure, there was
something so magnificent in the sound. I fairly, therefore, divided
my half guinea, one half of which went to be added to his thirty
thousand pound, and with the other half I resolved to go to the
next tavern, to be there more happy than he.

'As I was going out with that resolution, I was met at the door
by the captain of a ship, with whom I had formerly some little
acquaintance, and he agreed to be my companion over a bowl of
punch. As I never chose to make a secret of my circumstances, he
assured me that I was upon the very point of ruin, in listening to
the office-keeper's promises; for that he only designed to sell me
to the plantations. But, continued he, I fancy you might, by a much
shorter voyage, be very easily put into a genteel way of bread.
Take my advice. My ship sails to-morrow for Amsterdam; What if you
go in her as a passenger? The moment you land all you have to do is
to teach the Dutchmen English, and I'll warrant you'll get pupils
and money enough. I suppose you understand English, added he, by
this time, or the deuce is in it. I confidently assured him of
that; but expressed a doubt whether the Dutch would be willing to
learn English. He affirmed with an oath that they were fond of it
to distraction; and upon that affirmation I agreed with his
proposal, and embarked the next day to teach the Dutch English in
Holland. The wind was fair, our voyage short, and after having paid
my passage with half my moveables, I found myself, fallen as from
the skies, a stranger in one of the principal streets of Amsterdam.
In this situation I was unwilling to let any time pass unemployed
in teaching. I addressed myself therefore to two or three of those
I met whose appearance seemed most promising; but it was impossible
to make ourselves mutually understood. It was not till this very
moment I recollected, that in order to teach Dutchmen English, it
was necessary that they should first teach me Dutch. How I came to
overlook so obvious an objection, is to me amazing; but certain it
is I overlooked it

'This scheme thus blown up, I had some thoughts of fairly
shipping back to England again; but happening into company with an
Irish student, who was returning from Louvain, our conversation
turning upon topics of literature, (for by the way it may be
observed that I always forgot the meanness of my circumstances when
I could converse upon such subjects) from him I learned that there
were not two men in his whole university who understood Greek. This
amazed me. I instantly resolved to travel to Louvain, and there
live by teaching Greek; and in this design I was heartened by my
brother student, who threw out some hints that a fortune might be
got by it. 'I set boldly forward the next morning. Every day
lessened the burthen of my moveables, like Aesop and his basket of
bread; for I paid them for my lodgings to the Dutch as I travelled
on. When I came to Louvain, I was resolved not to go sneaking to
the lower professors, but openly tendered my talents to the
principal himself. I went, had admittance, and offered him my
service as a master of the Greek language, which I had been told
was a desideratum in his university. The principal seemed at first
to doubt of my abilities; but of these I offered to convince him,
by turning a part of any Greek author he should fix upon into
Latin. Finding me perfectly earnest in my proposal, he addressed me
thus: You see me, young man, continued he, I never learned Greek,
and I don't find that I have ever missed it. I have had a doctor's
cap and gown without Greek: I have ten thousand florins a year
without Greek; I eat heartily without Greek, and in short,
continued he, as I don't know Greek, I do not believe there is any
good in it.

'I was now too far from home to think of returning; so I
resolved to go forward. I had some knowledge of music, with a
tolerable voice, and now turned what was once my amusement into a
present means of subsistence. I passed among the harmless peasants
of Flanders, and among such of the French as were poor enough to be
very merry; for I ever found them sprightly in proportion to their
wants. Whenever I approached a peasant's house towards night-fall,
I played one of my most merry tunes, and that procured me not only
a lodging, but subsistence for the next day. I once or twice
attempted to play for people of fashion; but they always thought my
performance odious, and never rewarded me even with a trifle. This
was to me the more extraordinary, as whenever I used in better days
to play for company, when playing was my amusement, my music never
failed to throw them into raptures, and the ladies especially; but
as it was now my only means, it was received with contempt: a proof
how ready the world is to under rate those talents by which a man
is supported.

'In this manner I proceeded to Paris, with no design but just to
look about me, and then to go forward. The people of Paris are much
fonder of strangers that have money, than of those that have wit.
As I could not boast much of either, I was no great favourite.
After walking about the town four or five days, and seeing the
outsides of the best houses, I was preparing to leave this retreat
of venal hospitality, when passing through one of the principal
streets, whom should I meet but our cousin, to whom you first
recommended me. This meeting was very agreeable to me, and I
believe not displeasing to him. He enquired into the nature of my
journey to Paris, and informed me of his own business there, which
was to collect pictures, medals, intaglios, and antiques of all
kinds, for a gentleman in London, who had just stept into taste and
a large fortune. I was the more surprised at seeing our cousin
pitched upon for this office, as he himself had often assured me he
knew nothing of the matter. Upon my asking how he had been taught
the art of a connoscento so very suddenly, he assured me that
nothing was more easy. The whole secret consisted in a strict
adherence to two rules: the one always to observe, that the picture
might have been better if the painter had taken more pains; and the
other, to praise the works of Pietro Perugino. But, says he, as I
once taught you how to be an author in London, I'll now undertake
to instruct you in the art of picture buying at Paris.

'With this proposal I very readily closed, as it was a living,
and now all my ambition was to live. I went therefore to his
lodgings, improved my dress by his assistance, and after some time,
accompanied him to auctions of pictures, where the English gentry
were expected to be purchasers. I was not a little surprised at his
intimacy with people of the best fashion, who referred themselves
to his judgment upon every picture or medal, as to an unerring
standard of taste. He made very good use of my assistance upon
these occasions; for when asked his opinion, he would gravely take
me aside, and ask mine, shrug, look wise, return, and assure the
company, that he could give no opinion upon an affair of so much
importance. Yet there was sometimes an occasion for a more
supported assurance. I remember to have seen him, after giving his
opinion that the colouring of a picture was not mellow enough, very
deliberately take a brush with brown varnish, that was accidentally
lying by, and rub it over the piece with great composure before all
the company, and then ask if he had not improved the tints.

'When he had finished his commission in Paris, he left me
strongly recommended to several men of distinction, as a person
very proper for a travelling tutor; and after some time I was
employed in that capacity by a gentleman who brought his ward to
Paris, in order to set him forward on his tour through Europe. I
was to be the young gentleman's governor, but with a proviso that
he should always be permitted to govern himself. My pupil in fact
understood the art of guiding in money concerns much better than I.
He was heir to a fortune of about two hundred thousand pounds, left
him by an uncle in the West Indies; and his guardians, to qualify
him for the management of it, had bound him apprentice to an
attorney. Thus avarice was his prevailing passion: all his
questions on the road were how money might be saved, which was the
least expensive course of travel; whether any thing could be bought
that would turn to account when disposed of again in London. Such
curiosities on the way as could be seen for nothing he was ready
enough to look at; but if the sight of them was to be paid for, he
usually asserted that he had been told they were not worth seeing.
He never paid a bill, that he would not observe, how amazingly
expensive travelling was, and all this though he was not yet
twenty-one. When arrived at Leghorn, as we took a walk to look at
the port and shipping, he enquired the expence of the passage by
sea home to England. This he was informed was but a trifle,
compared to his returning by land, he was therefore unable to
withstand the temptation; so paying me the small part of my salary
that was due, he took leave, and embarked with only one attendant
for London.

'I now therefore was left once more upon the world at large, but
then it was a thing I was used to. However my skill in music could
avail me nothing in a country where every peasant was a better
musician than I; but by this time I had acquired another talent,
which answered my purpose as well, and this was a skill in
disputation. In all the foreign universities and convents, there
are upon certain days philosophical theses maintained against every
adventitious disputant; for which, if the champion opposes with any
dexterity, he can claim a gratuity in money, a dinner, and a bed,
for one night. In this manner therefore I fought my way towards
England, walked along from city to city, examined mankind more
nearly, and, if I may so express it, saw both sides of the picture.
My remarks, however, are but few: I found that monarchy was the
best government for the poor to live in, and commonwealths for the
rich. I found that riches in general were in every country another
name for freedom; and that no man is so fond of liberty himself as
not to be desirous of subjecting the will of some individuals in
society to his own.

'Upon my arrival in England, I resolved to pay my respects first
to you, and then to enlist as a volunteer in the first expedition
that was going forward; but on my journey down my resolutions were
changed, by meeting an old acquaintance, who I found belonged to a
company of comedians, that were going to make a summer campaign in
the country. The company seemed not much to disapprove of me for an
associate. They all, however, apprized me of the importance of the
task at which I aimed; that the public was a many headed monster,
and that only such as had very good heads could please it: that
acting was not to be learnt in a day; and that without some
traditional shrugs, which had been on the stage, and only on the
stage, these hundred years, I could never pretend to please. The
next difficulty was in fitting me with parts, as almost every
character was in keeping. I was driven for some time from one
character to another, till at last Horatio was fixed upon, which
the presence of the present company has happily hindered me from
acting.'

The short continuance of friendship amongst the vicious, which
is coeval only with mutual satisfaction

My son's account was too long to be delivered at once, the first
part of it was begun that night, and he was concluding the rest
after dinner the next day, when the appearance of Mr Thornhill's
equipage at the door seemed to make a pause in the general
satisfaction. The butler, who was now become my friend in the
family, informed me with a whisper, that the 'Squire had already
made some overtures to Miss Wilmot, and that her aunt and uncle
seemed highly to approve the match. Upon Mr Thornhill's entering,
he seemed, at seeing my son and me, to start back; but I readily
imputed that to surprize, and not displeasure. However, upon our
advancing to salute him, he returned our greeting with the most
apparent candour; and after a short time, his presence served only
to encrease the general good humour.