The Velvet Rage (30 page)

Relationship helplessness

Relationship hopelessness

Relationship trauma

abandonment

abusive

ambivalence

betrayal

depression in

influence of

memories of

symptoms of

See also
Trauma

Relationships

allowing competing feelings

compromises in

contributing to sense of peace

denial in

failure of

with fathers

with mothers

resolving conflicts by taking responsibility

sex used as filter for

trust in

Relationships in stage one

consequences of

darker side of

as defining

emotional trauma of

future relationships built on

inexperience in

power of

shame vs. love

suicide in

as tumultuous

vicious cycle of

Relief

from emotions

by revealing true identity

Research on aging phobia

Research on trauma

Resentment

of fathers

in vicious cycles

Responsibility (skill)

taken for feelings

taken in conflicts

Retaliation in vicious cycles

Roots of trauma

Safe sex

San Francisco Chronicle
newspaper

Santa Fe, New Mexico

Secondary emotion

Secrets

Self

acceptance

love

validation of

Self-esteem

Self-harm

Self-hatred

Self-image

Self-worth

Sense of self

of gay boys

of straight boys

Sex

adult violent

anonymous

casual, brief encounters

as compulsion

to control others

as filter for relationships

fulfillment of

importance of

lack of

for money

as process addiction

pursuit of

through dishonesty

unprotected

used to manage emotions

and validation, invalidation

See also
Denial of sexuality

Sexual abandonment

Sexual abuse.
See also
Childhood sexual abuse

Sexual conquest

Sexual orientation

Sexuality, acceptance of.
See also
Bisexuality; Denial of sexuality; Heterosexual identity

Shame

avoidance of

as debilitating

elimination of, emergence from

feelings of

and identity crises

as inhibited emotion

intensity of

invalidation not tolerated

vs. love

and rage

reacted to with abandonment

reduced by owning shortcomings

in stage three

in stage two

validation needed

and vicious cycles

See also
Compensating for shame as stage two; Compounded shame; Overwhelming shame as stage one; Toxic shame

Shopping

Silent Sons
(Ackerman)

60 Minutes
television program

Skills for authentic living.
See also under specific living skills

Social attitudes

Societal approval

Soul purging

Splitting

Stability

Stable home

Stage one.
See
Overwhelming shame as stage one

Stage three.
See
Cultivating authenticity as stage three

Stage two.
See
Compensating for shame as stage two

Straight boys

Straight life

Straight men

differences with gay men

and gay men, common quest for authenticity

as homophobic

Stress reliever, foreclosure as

Struggles of gay men

Substance abuse

Suicide

attempts by gay youth

to avoid shame

and changing quality of feelings

linked to childhood sexual abuse

from stage one relationship trauma

in stage two

Syndrome.
See
Crash and lash syndrome

Terror of abandonment

Therapy.
See
Dialectical Behavior Therapy; Psychotherapy

Times-Picayune
New Orleans newspaper

Toxic shame

and betrayal

leading to judgmentalism

overcome by owning one's feelings

preventing passion

reacted to with abandonment

in stage three

in stage two

See also
Shame

Traits of fathers

Trauma

biological effects

emotional

memories, reflections, of

psychological

research

roots of

in stage one

symptoms

in vicious cycles

See also
Relationship trauma

Trust in relationships

and betrayal

keeping inner circle safe

Truth, hiding of

Trysts

Unprotected sex

Urban gay men

Validation

achievement of

emotional

of fathers

of feminine qualities

vs. invalidation

vs. joy

levels of

from others

for psychological well-being

of self

shame relating to

as skill in relationships

in stage two

See also
Validation, authentic

Validation, authentic

crisis of meaning resolved

importance of

from mothers

and rage

and shame

in stage three

Validation junkies

Validation seeking

with adopted children

through adoration

through approval

through home, vacations, jobs

through praise, recognition

through sexual conquest

as unsatisfying

Velvet curtain

Velvet glove

Velvet Rage
groups

Vicious cycles

anger in

apologies, pseudo-apologies

avoidance as part of

blaming as part of

breaking

crisis in

defensive behaviors

denial

psychotherapy for

refusing to admit mistakes

of relationships

resentment, retaliation

shame as part of

with trauma

Victim of emotional violence

Vidal, Gore

Violent sex.
See
Adult violent sex

Vulnerability of gay men

Walk away from distress

Wall Street Journal
newspaper

Williamson, Marianne

Women.
See also
Lesbian women

Woundedness, emotional

Youth

vs. aging

narcissism of

obsession with

suicide attempts

Quote on page 107 from A SONG FLUNG UP TO HEAVEN by Maya Angelou, copyright 2002 by Maya Angelou. Used by permission of Random House, Inc.

 

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