The Velvet Rage (22 page)

Skill
: Make it your goal to do only one thing in each moment. It's almost impossible to be fully present for the person who sits
in front of you, to experience the joy of a wonderful meal, or even to get the most out of an exercise workout when your mind is jumping between two or more things. You miss the satisfaction and joy of the present moment when you aren't focused on it or when you treat the moment as simply a way to get to the next one.

Background
: After spending an evening at a cocktail party in Beverly Hills, a friend explained the concept of “glistening” to me. Glistening happens when a gay man pretends to be listening to you but is really looking over your shoulder to see if there is someone else he should be talking to or is listening to someone else's conversation. When my friend told me about glistening, I laughed, as I thought about all the many conversations I've had at various events with gay men where this is exactly what was happening. And, of course, it forced me to consider how many times I've done the very same thing.

Whenever life starts piling up, and the stress mounts, it is extraordinarily helpful to take some time and make a short list of the things that are really important. Then take that list and do one thing at a time to completion until the list is complete. It's amazing how powerful this skill is in containing the stress and anxiety that often accompanies feeling overwhelmed.

One of the things that is said about the power of Bill Clinton as a politician was his ability to make you feel as if you were the only person in the room. Somewhere along the way, Bill mastered the skill of “one person, one conversation.” This skill not only helps to manage your own emotions but also is very powerful in building relationships with others.

It is possible to actually miss the experience of your life by being too distracted with multitasking. You create so much busyness and activity that you fail to truly engage with what is
present. For example, I can remember many times when I was throwing a dinner party or a special event and was so involved in making all the details happen that I wasn't able to really experience the joy of the event. Life is just like this—many times we are so caught up in all the busyness that we aren't able to be present for the experience.

This skill is absolutely essential if we are to experience the emotion of joy. Of all the emotions, joy is the one that requires that you be fully present in the moment. When you aren't fully present, you can't feel joy.

Skill:
Actively resist the temptation to place everything in your life on a “good-bad continuum.” Instead of evaluating your experience according to your expectations, focus your efforts on being present for what is, rather than what you wish would be.

Background
: “But we make judgments every day. We'd be totally screwed if we weren't making careful decisions about other people. I just don't get it.” Justin slumped back into the chair across from me. I knew what he was struggling with, and I had done my best to explain it to him, but sadly, I was failing miserably.

Justin had an aura of arrogance around him. I felt it almost immediately when he entered my office for the first time. His facial expressions and tone of voice communicated volumes. He seemed to say, “I really don't need therapy . . . and I certainly am not one of your usual clients.” Within an hour of meeting him I found myself struggling with my own feelings of dislike and judgment about him. When he left my office after that first session, I secretly hoped he wouldn't return.

But he did. And during our work together, I first had to place my own feelings in perspective. Did I really know anything about this man? Was he intentionally putting forth this cynical arrogance, or was it mere habit?

As it turns out, Justin had been raised by two brilliant parents, both of whom had earned PhDs in their respective fields, and nothing he could do ever impressed them. It was always just not good enough, or he was reminded that he could have done better if he had tried harder. His arrogance as an adult had been his only way of coping in such an invalidating environment as a child. Not only was he forced to demand respect from others, he also learned to be highly critical of everyone around him.

As you might imagine, Justin didn't have many close friends. And the friends he did have kept him at a safe distance. Undoubtedly they enjoyed his biting sense of cynical humor and discriminating tastes, but they likely also feared that it was just a matter of time before he turned his judgments on them and skewered them with his words as he had so many others. Justin was good in small doses, but too much of him felt very dangerous.

The lesson that Justin was forced to learn in his late thirties is a lesson that we must all wrestle with at some point: the failure to accept others for who they are only serves to increase your own distress (it certainly doesn't change the reality of who the other person is). The biting, cynical humor may earn laughs all around, but it also sends a powerful message that you are dangerous to be around.

Those of us who are most intolerant and judgmental of others' faults are inevitably even judgmental about ourselves. In private, we see ourselves as flawed and shameful. The expression of judgment upon others is nothing less than what we deliver to ourselves.

Mindfully taking a nonjudgmental stance is the practice of suspending judgment until all the data are in. Most often when we are judgmental, we have reached a premature conclusion about someone else. We have eagerly ascribed the failures we observed to imagined character flaws. Sometimes we are correct, but many times we are not. A nonjudgmental stance gives the other person space to be human and flawed.

Because gay men grow up struggling with such intense toxic shame, as adults we can be highly judgmental of ourselves and others. We see critical flaws in ourselves, and we are equally harsh in our assessments of others. Taking a nonjudgmental stance means that you have first dealt with your own shame and have now intentionally modified the long-standing habit of pointing out the perceived flaws in others.

How many relationships have you experienced where every conversation eventually gets around to judging someone else's flaws or blaming someone else for your problems? When you get down to it, a surprising number of relationships among gay men are just this. The only common ground the two men share is complaints, cynicism, and blame.

The more critical you are of others, the more difficult it is for you to reveal your true self to the world around you. When you have not allowed others to be less than perfect, does it not only follow that you cannot be less than perfect? And since you know you aren't perfect, how can you possibly reveal yourself? Creating an environment for authenticity requires that we give others the space to be authentic as well. We intuitively know that we can't require something of others that we haven't required of ourselves.

Just remember: even when you're right, you are wrong when you are judgmental toward yourself or others.

Skill
: When feeling distressing emotions, make a conscious effort to let the pain subside. Continuously replaying painful memories, talking about your pain with others, or exposing yourself to situations that keep the memories active only function to keep you in distress. Deliberately and intentionally take action that distracts you from continuing to reinjure yourself with painful thoughts or memories.

Background
: Over the first hundred years of psychology, much of the field was influenced by the psychodynamic “expressive” therapies. To grossly oversimplify, these therapies recommended that one express emotions in order to “get them out” and to relieve the “psychological pressure.” In the new millennium of science, things have changed dramatically. Many psychological researchers have established that the expression of an emotion acts as a reinforcer of the emotion, causing it to be more likely to be felt again in the future.

For example, if you are feeling depressed, and you talk about your depression with your friend, expressing all of your self-doubts, hopelessness, and sadness, you are more likely to continue to feel depressed. If, however, your friend stops you from ruminating about your depression and convinces you to go to the movies with him, you are more likely to feel even a little better afterward. Acting on the expressive emotions by talking at length about them usually serves to strengthen those feelings, not lessen them as previously thought. Distracting yourself with a movie prevents you from acting on the depressive emotions, and so they are more likely to fade away.

Obviously, complicated and enduring emotional states like depression or chronic anxiety are far more difficult to relieve
than by just going to a movie, but the theory is the same. The more you act on an emotion, the more of that emotion you are likely to feel in the future.

This skill is both extremely important and difficult to practice. When you feel a strong emotion, you naturally want to express it. But unfortunately, the continued expression of an emotion only serves to make the emotion stronger and more likely to happen again in the future; and when the emotion is painful, the act of prolonged expression only increases the experience of your pain.

When you are experiencing a distressing emotion, the most effective course of action is to engage in something that elicits an equally strong, opposite emotion. This, in turn, will prevent you from wallowing in the distress as your mind becomes occupied with the new emotion. For example, if you are feeling lonely after the breakup of a relationship, spend time with close friends talking about their lives. Or start planning a party or a vacation. Do something (with the emphasis on the “do” and not the “thinking” or “obsessing”) that elicits a different feeling, and your mind will naturally loosen its grip on the previous distress. Often, this skill must be practiced repeatedly as our minds are accustomed to going back and picking up an old worry or distressing emotion. Just keep engaging in activities that will force the distress to naturally diminish.

Skill
: When feeling uncomfortable emotions like sadness, fear, or anger, deliberately engage in a
behavior
that “changes the channel.” In these moments, arguing with yourself or trying to think
your way back to serenity isn't feasible—only engaging in behavior (i.e., contrary action) will make the difference.

Background
: Jerry's partner, Don, did it again. They were out at a restaurant with friends when Don made a joke about Jerry's lack of good taste in clothes. Jerry was livid—this wasn't the first time Don had done this; in fact, Jerry had asked Don countless times before to not use him as the brunt of his brilliant but cutting humor. In moments like these, Jerry usually shuts down and becomes sullenly quiet. It's not so much about punishing Don as it is that he has a hard time thinking about anything other than what just happened and how angry he is. Don plows on through the evening, laughing and joking, seemingly oblivious to Jerry's distress. It's usually not until the couple is in private that Jerry confronts Don about his behavior, Don apologizes, and over the course of several hours, Jerry slowly returns to being himself again.

In moments of distress like Jerry was experiencing, trying to play “mind tricks” by forcing yourself to think of something else or to challenge the validity of what you feel isn't very effective—in fact, it usually makes things worse. The most effective thing you can do in those moments is to engage in a behavior that helps to both distract and soothe you. For instance, Jerry could have taken a walk to the restroom, stepped outside to make a phone call, or immediately started a conversation with someone else at the dinner table. “Walking” away from distress means simply that you must use your behavior to change the way you are feeling and to reduce the distress. Once you get the distressing feelings down, you can then consider more effective options for getting what you want—as opposed to blowing up or overreacting. Remember, rarely when feeling intense emotions do you act in your own best interest.

Skill
: Honor your body as you would a precious possession. Refuse to place your body in deliberate jeopardy. Adore your body, for it is the only one you will ever have.

Background:
“Does my butt look big in these jeans?” is a question that will send just about any gay man running for safety. We all know that there is only one acceptable answer to that question, and anyone who is asking such a question is probably a bit too big for those Lucky Dungarees.

Fat. Muscles. Penis size. These are the body obsessions of many gay men. Countless hours at the gym are invested in achieving the perfect arms, chest, butt, and legs. Body fat is considered a medical disability, and having a small penis is a plain and simple tragedy.

The body image issues of gay men are wildly out of control. We have objectified the male physique to the point that many feel that they aren't worthy of a relationship with another man unless they have at least tried to improve their bodies. We see sex as something of a beauty pageant and less an intimate connection of lovemaking. In short, it's all about the body.

Many gay men that I work with see their bodies through the lens of future attainments. By this I mean that they tolerate their current body because they hold the belief that in a few months or years, it will be much improved. “I need to lose this layer of body fat so my abs will show.” “When summer comes, I will be in top shape for the beach.” They never actually accept their body as it is in the present moment.

Dark, hairy men wish that they were blond and smooth. Short, stocky guys wish that they were linebacker-sized. Tall, thin men work to achieve a more rounded, muscular look. No
matter what the body type, there's always some other image to aspire to.