The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (5 page)

Communication is a key component before, during, and after anal sex. Communication about sex is specific to the individuals involved, so there’s no one rule that will work for everyone. No matter how you approach it, it’s a good idea to talk to your partner about this in a nonsexual setting, rather than
right
before you’re about to delve into anal erotic play. Depending on how your partner reacts, it could bring things to a screeching halt, which no one wants. You can go about it in a number of different ways, and how you do it should depend on your style and your partner’s comfort level. You may want to test the waters in a playful, indirect way. Try a statement that will let you see what your partner thinks about the subject in general, like, “I saw something in this magazine about anal sex, what do you think about it?” This is a safe way to approach it if you’re not sure how your partner may react. Saying, “I want to do
this
to
you
.
Now
,” can put pressure on a person to respond immediately or may make someone feel more intimidated or threatened. If you and your partner are direct with each other and talk openly about sex, then, by all means, be direct. But if you’re hesitant, give your partner time to react; tell him or her you don’t need a response right away. It’s important that you make your request as pressure-free as possible, and give her the opportunity to voice her concerns, if she has any.

People can have a lot of fears and negative feelings about anal eroticism. In some cases, a partner may be hesitant about knockin’ on the back door because she has certain misconceptions about buttfucking—that it’s dirty, painful, or only for a man’s pleasure. They seem irrational on the page, but these are very real fears in people’s minds that may prevent them from even considering it. It is important to realize that most of us are made aware of the anal taboo starting in childhood and therefore we are all affected in some way by it.

While most of these fears have their roots in myths and misconceptions about anal sex, it is important to respect and validate your partner when she or he shares her or his feelings. Have an honest talk with your partner about fears you both have, and review chapter 1 and its discussion of myths, dispelling the misinformation and replacing it with correct information: anal sex doesn’t have to be a big mess; if you do it right, it won’t hurt; and women can get off on it in plenty of ways. Reassure each other that either one of you can stop the activity at any time and be fully supported by the other one. Set concrete ground rules and boundaries about what is okay and what isn’t; as experiences progress, the boundaries can change if needed. Each person needs to know that she or he will be safe from both pain and disease during anal sex and that there is mutual trust and respect.

Some people’s fears may be about anal sex being difficult, uncomfortable, painful, or impossible to enjoy. Women especially often veto anal sex because of a negative experience in the past. If a past partner tried to go from zero to sixty in five seconds by sticking his dick in your ass without warm-up, lube, or communication, then chances are it hurt a lot and you never want to do it again. Bad sexual experiences are difficult to overcome: who’d want to repeat something awful? Your partner needs to reassure you: this time, with him, it will be different. He’ll take his time, use plenty of lube, and work your ass up to his cock. You will be in control of the pace, and he’ll stop if you say so.

On the flip side, the partner who’ll be doing the penetrating can also have fears. You may be afraid that you’ll hurt your partner, you won’t do it right, or you won’t like it. The important thing is that you get everything out on the table before you begin your anal adventure.

Having an open, honest discussion can help illuminate what each person wants from the experience and why, so both people are less likely to make incorrect assumptions about the other person’s desires and expectations. You can ask each other: What do you want? What do you expect? What are your needs? Here are some examples of what a receptive partner might say:

What have your previous experiences been with anal eroticism? Share them, discuss them. Why do you want to explore anal sensuality? Insertive partners should share as much as receivers:

Fantasies can be incredibly powerful forces in our lives, erotic and otherwise. Many people fantasize about erotic activities like anal sex but are afraid to vocalize their desires. Sharing our sexual fantasies with a partner can deepen a sexual relationship and help us communicate our needs and desires.

Some people have very specific fantasies associated with anal play. Maybe you want to dominate your partner as you fuck his or her ass. Or you have a fantasy of being fucked in the ass against your will. Perhaps you want to play out a doctor-patient scenario, get your temperature taken with a rectal thermometer , and take it from there. Some men like to take on a female persona, willingly or as “forced feminization” when they get fucked in the ass. With anal play fantasies, the possibilities are endless.

It is equally important to distinguish our fantasies from our realities. If your favorite masturbatory fantasy involves someone ramming your butt
repeatedly with a giant silicone dick that makes you come every time, don’t be surprised if you don’t get the same result when you try it out. There are some fantasies that we can share and help bring to life, others we have to tweak slightly based on what’s realistic and our own boundaries, and others that should probably remain fantasies. Have realistic expectations for yourself and know the limits of your own body. One finger in your ass and a whisper in your ear about that big dick might just do the trick.

Anal sex can be very charged, intense, and emotional. There are power dynamics in all sexual interactions, but they can be especially magnified during anal sex because it is such a forbidden act and because of the physical delicacy of the anus and rectum. Think about it: you’re giving a delicate part of your body over to another person. That can raise deep issues of power and trust.

It’s important for partners to be able to discuss their feelings openly, feel safe, and trust one another. The person receiving anal penetration can feel especially vulnerable, both physically and emotionally, and the partner giving anal pleasure must respect the receiver’s wishes, needs, and limits. The giver may fear that she or he will hurt the receiving partner and needs to be reassured that everything’s okay. Again, communication and ground rules can help alleviate tension and reassure both people that it will be a pain-free, safe experience.

Because of the trust involved, it’s important for both partners to be completely present. Too often, people who attend my workshops or write to me say, “I can only have anal sex if I’ve had five drinks.” I’m not going to deny that people combine alcohol and drugs and pleasurable anal sex. Ultimately, alcohol and drugs of any kind alter your awareness of your body, an awareness you absolutely must have to enjoy anal sex. Anal sex requires of both partners patience, skill, good communication, and coordination. The insertive partner needs to be keenly aware, intuitive, and able to read her or his partner’s body language and nonverbal cues. The receiver needs to be in touch with his or her body to know what feels good and what doesn’t—especially if he or she is a novice. People are more likely to ignore their anal boundaries—both physical and mental—if their judgment is impaired by alcohol and drugs. I believe that with
proper relaxation, communication, trust, and desire, people can experience pleasurable anal intercourse without any “help” from alcohol or drugs. The intimacy and ecstasy of anal pleasure can sometimes be overwhelming, but it can also be very special and extremely satisfying, especially if both partners are fully present and connected.

 

QUOTES

Nina Hartley,
Nina Hartley’s Guide to Anal Sex
(Adam and Eve Productions, 1994).

Susie Bright, “Ass Forward” in
Susie Sexpert’s Lesbian Sex World
(San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1990), 34.

The best thing you can do to make anal sex more comfortable and clean is to clear the runway: have a bowel movement beforehand. Feces are stored in the colon, and only move into the rectum just before a bowel movement. If you feel the urge to go and listen to it, feces pass through the rectum and out of the body. (If you cannot or do not go to the bathroom at that moment and instead hold it in, feces will remain in the rectum until you do go.)

If you are in good general health and have well-formed bowel movements, then the rectum and anus will be generally free of fecal matter after you go. However, if your poop isn’t perfect—due to poor diet, stress, constipation, diarrhea, or other gastrointestinal problems—there may be more fecal matter present in the rectum. In that case, you may want to have an enema before anal sex. (For more on enemas, read chapter 5.)

Even the healthiest rectums may contain trace amount of fecal matter, so it’s important to be realistic about your expectations for anal play. As adult film star Chloe says, “Get over your fear of shit!”
¹
She’s right. Feces pass through your ass on a regular basis, so expecting to never encounter
some during anal play is unrealistic. I am not saying you need to love or even like contact with feces, but the more anal play you engage in, the more likely it will happen. You might as well just smile, clean up, and move on.

Before sex, take a shower or a bath and clean your genitals. I recommend that people use castile soap—a very mild soap made from coconut, hemp, or olive oils, or a combination of oils—to clean their private parts. Most bar soaps, liquid antibacterial soaps, and body washes contain harsh ingredients like dyes and fragrances that can irritate sensitive skin and mucous membranes. While bathing, you may want to stick a soapy finger up your ass to gently clean out the anal canal. Make sure you rinse your ass well afterward. If, for whatever reason, you can’t bathe, you can use a wet washcloth or a baby wipe to clean the anal area. In fact, I like to have a box of baby wipes nearby during an anal play session. Baby wipes are made for the genital area and much less harsh than other wipes, like Wet Ones. I like the baby wipes that are unscented and alcohol-free because the “baby” smell isn’t erotic for me, and the alcohol-free wipes tend to be gentler on my delicate parts. They are great for catching lube drips and cleaning up unexpected messes.

The tissue of the anus, anal canal, and rectum is very delicate, much more delicate than the tissue of the vagina. If you’re planning to use your fingers to stimulate your ass or your partner’s, make sure your nails are short and filed smooth. Check for torn cuticles, or jagged or sharp edges, which can be felt inside the sensitive ass. Short, smooth nails will help prevent small tears in the anal tissue, which can cause irritation and discomfort during or after anal play. If you’re not sure about your nails, you may choose to wear a latex or latex-alternative glove. Gloves aren’t just a safer sex barrier: they transform your hand into a smooth, seamless tool for comfortable stimulation and penetration. For more about gloves, see chapter 6.