The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (21 page)

So, in addition to prior communication and negotiation, I recommend that tops find creative ways for both partners to communicate during a scene. For example, tell your bottom that when she’s ready for another finger, a bigger toy, or whatever the next step is, she needs to
ask
for it, as in: “Sir, may I please have another finger?” You can also insist that she move onto whatever is penetrating her (a dildo, a plug, a penis) so that you’ve told her what to do, but she can do it at her own pace. Or maybe you’re not that nice; in that case, make your bottom
beg
for each new thing. These simple shifts in language or in how you recast the exact same actions in different ways, lets the bottom communicate to the top about what she needs while simultaneously reinforcing the Dominant/submissive dynamic.

It may be rough sex, having penetration forced on the bottom, or acting out a rape fantasy . Whatever the scenario, I use the term “consensual force” deliberately. Force by definition means a lack of consent, but in a fantasy scene, both partners communicate and negotiate terms and limits before the scene, and the bottom consents to the force. Part of why and how consensual force can work is the deep trust between partners and the limits each one sets. The force is on the bottom’s terms and either partner knows he or she can stop the scene for any reason. Because of the total submission and surrender to another that anal sex can imply, it can be a very hot part of a consensual force scene.

In one of my favorite scenes, a top put me in elaborate bondage that was a combination of leather restraints, rope, and Ace bandages. I was semimummified in the bandages, and I felt completely confined and nearly immobile. She had me facedown on the bed, and the only part of me exposed was my ass. She threatened to take me; to fuck my ass without warm-up, without lube, and without self-control. She went on and on about how I was going to take her big dick in my ass whether I liked it or
not. Luckily for me, she put a butt plug in my ass while she barked at me, which helped me warm up and prepare my ass for its violation. When she took the plug out, I was ready for that big dick. As she was fucking me, she continually scolded me for being so naughty and wanting to be tied up and fucked in the ass. She was rough and nasty, and the frenetic energy of the scene was really hot. The best part was that I could surrender to anal sex “against my will,” but still have the trust and safety because I knew my top would take care of me.

Scenes with mutually agreed upon forced sex of any kind, and especially those with forced anal sex, are delicate, complex, and tricky; they require a tremendous amount of trust between partners and plenty of prior negotiation. Before the scene begins, you and your partner should talk about what is okay and what isn’t. Tops: reassure your bottom that she is free to use her safeword at any time if things aren’t going well for her. As a top, remember that the goal is to use dominance and control with physical and psychological elements to create the fantasy for the bottom. Be sure your bottom is specific about the vibe of the scene. Does she want to feel a sense of surrender, of being taken against her will? Does she want to feel used, degraded, or humiliated? Does she want to be verbally abused? Ask if there are any particular words, actions, or scenarios that may trigger someone in a negative way; for example, I know a woman who suffered physical abuse as a child. As an adult, she likes to be spanked with a variety of implements
except
wooden spoons. For some people, yelling cannot be part of a rough scene. The idea is for both people to approach each other with respect and responsibility. Realize that setting these limits and discussing them beforehand still may not prevent someone from having an emotional response during a scene: be prepared so that if something comes up, you will be there to support your partner.

In addition to prior negotiation, creative communication during the scene also plays a big role, since the victim can’t say “slow down” or “that hurts” when she is supposed to be at the mercy of her captor; likewise, the captor can’t say “how are you doing?” or “is this okay?” as he tortures his victim.

As the top, you can threaten to have your way with her, fuck her without lube, and rip her a new asshole, but in reality, no anal penetration should happen without working your way up. BDSM can be a way to explore the edges of pleasure and pain, but these practices should never be confused with anal sex being painful. Anal sex shouldn’t hurt at all; if it does, you’re not using enough lube or you’re rushing it. Actually forcing anal penetration can cause damage to the delicate lining of the anus and rectum. But in this kind of scene, you don’t necessarily want to begin with a gentle finger and your usual foreplay routine. One solution I recommend: have the bottom do her own warm up, which may include wearing a butt plug for some length of time, before the scene. This way, her ass
is prepared for some heavy play when she arrives. (For tips on long-term butt plug wear, see chapter 14.)

That still doesn’t mean that you can stick your giant cock inside her right off the bat, however. You’ll have to figure out imaginative ways to warm up her ass even as you’re forcing yourself on her. Here’s where I employ a technique I call “I’m going to stick every single thing in this room up your ass.” I carefully place two kinds of items around the room: ones I will use (small, medium, large toys) and ones I will only threaten to use (wine bottles, plungers, nightsticks). As the scene progresses, I give the illusion that I am grabbing anything in sight and sticking it into my bottom’s butt; in reality, I have carefully planned the order of each toy. I create the sense of urgency, of sexual use, of taking her, while still taking care of my bottom in a responsible way. The trick is to capture the spirit of force, degradation, and surrender, while still maintaining the principles of safety: be patient, go slow, use lots of lube, and listen to the bottom’s verbal and nonverbal cues.

With any highly-charged scene like this one, be prepared for emotions to be intense and issues to come up. No matter how much you prepare and communicate beforehand, either partner can experience intense feelings like rage, sadness, and fear during a scene like this. Be prepared to stop if you need to, and make time to check in with one another afterward.

For some, an enema is a means to an end, a cleansing ritual and that’s all. For others, it’s a very erotic experience, and there are plenty of websites, erotic stories, and videos devoted to erotic enema play that prove that the desire is not uncommon. Some people get off on the sensation an enema creates. Think about it: water rushing into your ass is another form of penetration, and there are plenty of butt plug-like nozzles to enhance the penetration. An erotic enema can be part of fantasy role-playing, like a medical scene with a nurse and patient or an “age play” scene where one partner plays a kid and the other an authoritative figure like Daddy , Mommy, or a nanny. These scenes often involve some form of regression back to a helpless, innocent, or primal state where the bathroom is the site of shame, curiosity, and growth and toilet training is a highly-charged ritual. Giving someone an enema can be part of different BDSM scenes to
symbolize a Dominant’s control over his or her submissive’s body and bodily functions, to reinforce someone’s submission, to humiliate or shame someone, or to inflict intentional discomfort. If you’re going to engage in the latter—give someone a cold water enema to produce cramping and discomfort on purpose—the water should be cool but never freezing. Like any other scene, negotiation and communication are crucial elements to an erotic enema. All the recommendations from chapter 5 apply to erotic enemas as well.

 

NOTE

1
For more information on how to do these and other BDSM activities safely, there are dozens of books on the subject, both with general overviews (like
SM 101
and
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
) and very specific topics (like
The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage
and
The Compleat Spanker
). Find out if there is a local BDSM support group or organization in your community where you can meet other kinky people. You may want to go to a play party or a local club, where you can see people engaged in BDSM. If you see something you’d like to know more about, don’t interrupt anyone’s scene, but wait until they are finished and politely ask some questions. Attending BDSM workshops and demonstrations is another great way to learn safe techniques from skilled and experienced BDSM practitioners. See Resource Guide for more information.