The Troll Whisperer (17 page)

He blinked as his eyes watered a little.
Goddamnit, this crying thing was getting out of control.
Fortunately, no tears came out. He held out his hands. “So bring on
the death threats and whatever else you got. I’ve always believed
that you shouldn’t dish out what you can’t take, so come at me,
bros. Peace.”

He shut off the camera, uploaded the video,
and started posting links. It took a while. The last thing he did
was write Noah an email with the link.

Subject line: One Last Sorry:

Hey. So my apology before sucked. I made a
video with a better one, which you can see here. I’m being evicted,
so you won’t have to see me around anymore.

He tried to think of a good way to end it,
but nothing came to him; he was really tired. He pressed send, and
then he shut the computer. There was no reason to sit around
waiting for hate mail.

He looked around the room wearily. He didn’t
have the energy to do anything. He would call off sick to work
tomorrow. He’d done that approximately five times in his entire
career. There wasn’t much to do after that. He got up, used the
bathroom, and managed a quick shower. It was only nine o’clock, but
he was so tired that he curled up in his blankets and fell straight
asleep.

****

He woke up at six thirty to call Bob. He
reassured him several times that he had not been diagnosed with
cancer before he dozed off again for a few hours. By the time he
really got up, it was eleven. He wondered when the sheriff would
come by with the eviction notice. He should probably start packing,
but like his dad said, he’d have some time. With some trepidation,
he turned on his computer and started checking his e-mail. As
expected, he had a lot of extremely angry e-mails and comments. He
had to smile; some of them were very creative. If he weren’t
reformed, he’d be taking notes.

What he hadn’t expected was the supportive
ones. He couldn’t believe the first one he read; he figured it was
a fluke. But then there were more and more— just an outpouring of
compassion and forgiveness that he really didn’t think the Internet
was capable of. As he was reading, an e-mail came in from Gawker,
requesting to interview him. He googled himself. Reddit was on the
case, trying to figure out Noah’s identity. Oscar slammed the
computer shut. He had clearly not thought through the consequences
of his apology.

He got up and ate a few fistfuls of Froot
Loops. He checked the computer again. Holy shit, this thing was
snowballing. Buzzfeed put up a post: “This epic troll has
apologized (and he’s gay)! You have to see the video to believe
it!” With trembling fingers, he checked Upworthy. There he was:
“This Internet troll has apologized for the pain he’s caused. Do we
have the courage to forgive him?”

Oh no. This was a nightmare.

And worse, there was no response from Noah.
No text, no e-mail. He shouldn’t feel disappointed; he hadn’t done
this with the expectation that he’d fix everything. Still, it hurt
a little.

At around twelve-thirty, there was a knock on
the door. That’d be the sheriff. He probably should put on some
pants.

But when he opened the door, it was Noah. He
had a bucket in one hand and a mop in the other. “I talked to
Aneisha. She said she’ll call off the eviction if we can get your
place clean in the next few days. Why didn’t you tell me about
this?”

Oscar just stared at him stupidly for a
moment, unsure of what to say. Noah sighed and put down the bucket
and mop. He gave Oscar a brief kiss on the lips. “I was going to
forgive you anyway. You didn’t have to make a public spectacle of
yourself. It seems like you’ve become an overnight Internet
celebrity.”

“Yeah, I know,” Oscar said. “I really should
have seen that coming. They might track you down, too.”

“Maybe, but let’s deal with one mess at a
time.” Noah moved forward to go inside.

Oscar stopped him by putting a hand across
the door. “It’s really bad in there,” he said. “Like, really,
really bad.”

“It’s okay,” Noah said. “I’m pretty sure I’ve
seen the worst of you.” He kissed him. “And I’m still here.”

Oscar shut his eyes and released his grip.
Noah went inside, with Oscar trailing after him.

Noah put his hands on his hips as he surveyed
the grotesque scene. “See? I told you.”

“Believe it or not, I’ve actually seen
worse,” Noah said. “I’ve been called in on a few hoarder cases.
Unless you’ve got a couple of cat corpses stacked in there, I think
we’ll be fine.” He snapped on a pair of gloves. “First things
first— start taking out those garbage bags. I’ll start on the
kitchen.”

Oscar did as he was told. On his fifth trip
down, he was suddenly confronted with Jeremy and Crystal. “Hey,”
Jeremy said sheepishly, looking down at his feet.

“Hey.”

“I’m sorry I told your parents.”

Oscar put a hand on Jeremy’s shoulder. “That
was the absolute best thing anyone has ever done for me.”

Jeremy looked up. “Really?”

“Yeah, really. I’m talking to my dad
again.”

“Wow,” Jeremy said, smiling. “That’s so
great.”

Oscar smiled back. “Thanks, man.”

“We’re here to help you clean,” Crystal said,
sliding into the conversation. “If you want us.”

“Yeah, sure.” Each time he accepted help, it
got a little easier. “Noah’s already up there.”

Jeremy’s smile grew even bigger. “He’s
forgiven you? Fucking A, that’s awesome!” His smile vanished
suddenly. “He probably thinks I’m a total dick.”

“I think it’ll be fine,” Oscar said. “Come
on. Let me introduce you guys for real.”

Noah was more than happy to meet Jeremy under
better circumstances, and he gave Crystal a warm welcome as well.
He set Oscar and Jeremy on trash duty and brought Crystal into the
kitchen with him. After all the trash bags were gone, Jeremy and
Oscar started picking up the loose trash on the floor. Halfway
through it, Oscar realized that they were going to need some
serious help if they were going to get the really hard stuff clean.
He took out his phone and called his mom. “It’s Oscar,” he said
when she picked up. “Can you come help me clean?”

“Of course we will! Why didn’t you ask
sooner? Don’t you know we love you?”

“Yeah,” Oscar said. He was starting to get
the picture.

They all arrived soon after, minus Alex and
Chad, who had gone back to Massachusetts. His mom swallowed him
into a hug first, followed by his sisters. At last, he got to his
dad. They just looked at each other for a moment, free from the
haze of bitterness and guilt. They moved toward each other at the
same time, hugging and clapping each other fiercely on the back. It
felt really good.

Noah emerged from the kitchen somewhat shyly.
Oscar stood beside him. “Everyone, this is Noah,” Oscar said. “He’s
my—” He stopped. Actually, he didn’t know where they stood.

“Boyfriend,” Noah finished firmly.

His mom rushed forward, ready to indulge her
insatiable hunger for hugs. Noah untangled himself for a minute to
take off his filthy gloves, then returned her embrace. He was a
really great hugger. Oscar introduced each of his sisters, and at
last, his dad, who gave Noah a manly handshake. In the middle of
all of it, Oscar couldn’t help but notice that no one was judging
him. The mess was just a backdrop. The only thing any of them saw
was him.

He had to shut himself in the bathroom for a
moment to avoid embarrassing himself again.

With all of them working, the place was
mostly clean in only six hours. Noah called Aneisha up. She strode
into the apartment and looked surprised at all of the people there.
Noah slipped his hand into Oscar’s as Aneisha inspected the place.
She reentered the living room. “I don’t see any pests here,” she
said. “You’re welcome to stay.” Aneisha pointed a finger at him.
“Just don’t fuck it up again.”

“That’s not very professional of you,” Oscar
pointed out with a grin.

Aneisha rolled her eyes, but she was smiling,
too.

Relief washed over Oscar. He hadn’t realized
how much he wanted to stay until that point. Noah must have sensed
he was a little overwhelmed because he put an arm around his waist.
Oscar felt a flash of panic; no one in his family had ever seen him
with a man. But no one seemed to mind, not even his dad.

He didn’t notice Nikki creeping up on him
until he felt her arms wrap around him, too. His mother saw a hug
happening and jumped straight in. Stephanie and Dad kept back since
they weren’t really huggers, but he saw his dad put an arm around
Sophia’s shoulder. Maybe his dad had managed to repair two
relationships. Crystal and Jeremy were embracing as well. She had
said they were just friends, but Oscar sensed that something more
was coming if Jeremy didn’t fuck it up.

“Let’s go out to dinner!” his mom said. “Our
treat.”

The thought of sitting around in a restaurant
with all this love was a little overwhelming. There was only so
much a guy like him could take. “I would, but I am really beat. You
guys go ahead.”

His mother opened her mouth to protest, but
his dad stepped in. “Don’t pester him,
mamita
,” he said. “He
needs some time with his boyfriend.” His dad had clearly been
practicing saying the word with the maximum amount of acceptance
and nonchalance. He didn’t quite manage it, but Oscar appreciated
the effort.

Noah stepped aside so that Oscar could say
good-bye to his family. Oscar gave one last hug to Nikki. “Your
boyfriend is so cute!” she whispered in his ear before she let
go.

Oscar turned to Stephanie, who sucked in a
breath and hugged him. “You should come over and watch
Princess
Bride
sometime.”

“Sure. We’ve only watched it like forty-nine
times. We should make it an even fifty.”

“Bring him, too.”

Oscar felt himself blushing a little at his
family being so interested in his love life. “Yeah, sure.”

His dad and Sophia were next. Sophia kept it
brief. “I hope I’m as lucky as you in finding my way.”

“Oh my God, don’t say that,” Oscar said.
“Please don’t spend the next eight years of your life in
misery.”

“A little bit of misery might be good for
me,” she reflected. “I’ve been cheerful for so long. I think it
will be very luxurious to wear all black and paint my
feelings.”

“Just don’t wallow,” Oscar said. “Trust me,
it’s gross after a while.”

Last was his dad. He seemed like a new man in
Oscar’s eyes— the same man of his childhood, a little bit older and
wiser. His dad was looking at him like he was seeing him anew, too.
They clasped hands and patted each other firmly on the back. “It’s
good to have you back,
mijo
,” his dad said.

“Good to have you too.”

With that, his family left. When they were
gone, Jeremy and Crystal approached him and Noah. Jeremy said
nothing; he just hugged Oscar fiercely, desperately— the way he had
on the day Oscar got out of the hospital. “I thought I’d lost
you.”

“Nah, man,” Oscar said. “We’re brothers.”

He dropped his voice a little. “So, bros— but
also hos and homos?”

Oscar grinned. “Don’t see why not.”

If Crystal heard that last part, she didn’t
give any indication. “That wound looks nice and clean,” she said to
Oscar. “Should heal up fine. I predict a full recovery, especially
if you have someone to help change the bandages.”

Oscar smiled. “Thanks, for whatever.”

“You’re welcome, for whatever.” She took
Jeremy’s hand. “See you around.” They left. Oscar had a feeling
that Crystal would take much better care of Jeremy than he ever
could.

That left Noah and Oscar alone at last.
Neither of them said anything for a few moments. Oscar knew he
should thank Noah, but how could anything he said possibly convey
the way he felt? He was about tapped out when it came to emotional
things, anyway.

Noah broke the silence. “Pizza and beer,” he
said. “Then video games.”

Oscar was so relieved he nearly fell over.
“Yeah. That sounds good.”

Oscar vacuumed and Febrezed the beanbag
chairs while Noah ordered the pizza. They spent a few hours just
hanging out, talking about nothing in particular. It was exactly
what Oscar needed.

Around eleven, Oscar asked: “So are we going
back to your place?”

“I thought we could stay here.”

Oscar snorted. “It’s cleaner, but it’s not
exactly pleasant here. Plus, I sleep on a mattress on the floor.
Yours is much more comfortable.”

Noah shrugged. “I don’t mind uncomfortable
every once in a while.”

It took Oscar a moment to consider it. It
felt like climbing the last stretch to the peak of Mount
Relationship. “Yeah,” he said at last. “Yeah, let’s do it.”

Oscar had to remove his laptop from the bed
before they lay down. He groaned a little as he considered the mess
that awaited him on the Internet. “I don’t know what I’m going to
do about this Internet thing. I used my real name. That was
supposed to be symbolic or whatever. This might get insane.”