The To-Do List (39 page)

 1012. Stop missing appointments.

 1013. Purchase an extra dustbin.

 1014. Watch
24
season four.

 1015. Investigate Bolivian food shop that always piques your curiosity given the low density of Bolivian families in your local community.

 1016. Practise Heimlich manoeuvre.

 1017. Replace all missing light bulbs.

 1018. Finally take up Mum’s offer to teach me how to make rice and peas  . . .

 1019. And her infamous ‘boozy cake’  . . .

 1020. And that thing she does with okra, tinned tomatoes and bacon.

 1021. Read
War and Peace
because it will make you look smart  . . .

 1022. As will
Of Mice and Men
  . . .

 1023. And
Lucky Jim
  . . .

 1024. And
Catch 22
  . . .

 1025. And
Moby Dick
  . . .

 1026. And
Frankenstein
  . . .

 1027. And
Brave New World
  . . .

 1028. And
David Copperfield
  . . .

 1029. And
Madame Bovary
.

 1030. Rediscover and consume all lost freezer food.

 1031. Get up to date with current music.

 1032. Stop wife buying any more hand cream seeing that we have enough to soften her hands well into her eighties.

 1033. Stop wife buying any more lip balm. (See above but in relation to lips.)

 1034. Stop wife buying any more lady razors. She’s not
that
hairy.

 1035. Turn down thermostat.

 1036. Learn the rules of backgammon.

 1037. Plan more.

 1038. Increase punctuality.

 1039. Drink less alcohol.

 1040. Find out from GP what I am genuinely allergic to.

 1041. Find out what happened in the last episode of the
X-Files
  . . .

 1042. And
Twin Peaks
  . . .

 1043. And
Friends
  . . .

 1044. And
Happy Days
  . . .

 1045. And
Alias
  . . .

 1046. And
Xena: Warrior Princess
  . . .

 1047. And
The West Wing
  . . .

 1048. And
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
  . . .

 1049. And
Dallas
  . . .

 1050. And
Cheers
  . . .

 1051. And
The Golden Girls
.

 1052. Remove my name from all of the email newsletters subscription services that I unwisely signed up for.

 1053. Keep up with current affairs.

 1054. Get rid of left-over currency from previous holidays and foreign trips . . . including US dollars  . . .

 1055. And French francs  . . .

 1056. And Spanish pesetas  . . .

 1057. And Swedish kroners  . . .

 1058. And Singaporean dollars  . . .

 1059. And Cypriot pounds  . . .

 1060. And Australian dollars  . . .

 1061. And Russian roubles.

 1062. Do something with all the stamps that you’ve been tearing off envelopes for charity but then fail to take to a charitable concern.

 1063. Open a savings account.

 1064. And a joint account for bills and stuff.

 1065. Take out all the spooky red eye from all digital photos.

 1066. Learn to appreciate Raymond Carver.

 1067. Grow rhubarb.

 1068. Read more non-fiction.

 1069. Whilst I’m happy with Dr M’s work start trying out other GPs, just in case.

 1070. Get batteries for the spare car keys that haven’t worked since the summer before last.

 1071. Ask around for recommendations for a decent electrician  . . .

 1072. And a plumber  . . .

 1073. And a children’s party entertainer  . . .

 1074. And a cleaner  . . .

 1075. And a tree surgeon.

 1076. Write to that address that stops junk mail being sent to you.

 1077. Learn how to properly use your current mobile phone.

 1078. Do more boring stuff online like filing tax return  . . .

 1079. And paying bills  . . .

 1080. And paying car tax  . . .

 1081. And food shopping  . . .

 1082. And banking.

 1083. Get the wiring in the house checked to find out why the toaster keeps triggering the trip switch.

 1084. Fix broken slat on our bed.

 1085. Add dishwasher salt to dishwasher.

 1086. Return all stray tools to the toolbox.

 1087. Thin out CD collection – is there really any need to keep that Light House Family CD any longer?

 1088. . . . and do the same for your vinyl. No one needs two copies of ‘
I Should Be So Lucky
’.

 1089. Choose date for gathering of the Gayle clan.

 1090. Give in to publisher’s demand for new author photo.

 1091. Get to know cheese.

 1092. Watch all remaining Woody Allen films in hope that at least one of them will prove to be a return to form.

 1093. Buy more shelving.

 1094. Find out which one of your neighbours has a wi-fi network called ‘electricvagina2’ and why.

 1095. Find lids for all plastic storage containers. Bin ones without.

 1096. Wash out and fill the bird feeder.

 1097. Get a knife sharpener.

 1098. Sharpen all knives.

 1099. Try to choose wine without relying on the attractiveness of the label or the fact that it costs less than a fiver.

 1100. Buy new non-stick frying pans to replace old extra-sticky frying pans.

 1101. Buy a new set of saucepans and dump all the battered mangled old things we have been coping with for the last ten years.

 1102. Get rid of all out-of-date spices.

 1103. Buy jar of Ras el Hanout  . . .

 1104. And cumin seeds  . . .

 1105. And smoked paprika.

 1106. Try to address wife’s complaint that I don’t talk enough.

 1107. Have longer phone conversations with male friends.

 1108. Read Claire’s lady magazines without recourse to mocking.

 1109. Occasionally listen to music in the evenings rather than just switching on the TV.

 1110. Try to like new neighbours more.

 1111. Find out what the strange smell is coming from the basement.

 1112. Find the memory card for the old camera that’s got the photos of Gina and Paul’s wedding on it.

 1113. Seek and destroy the slug that’s been leaving its trail over the welcome mat.

 1114. Use public transport more.

 1115. Borrow Dad’s garden hose  . . .

 1116. And his lawn-edging tool.

 1117. Make peace with enemies.

 1118. Try to look slightly less 1997 when getting ready for a big night out.

 1119. Get eye test.

 1120. Have shorter meetings.

 1121. Eat outdoors more.

 1122. Deal with mail as soon as it comes through the door. Failing that, find a receptacle for mail rather than leaving it on the stairs to be tripped on, scribbled on or lost.

 1123. Find bank statements 145 and 146 that the accountant has been asking about since January.

 1124. Try to understand the plot to
Donnie Darko
without recourse to the internet.

 1125. Speak to a life coach.

 1126. Help Claire to cancel her Next Directory as there are at least 12 editions of it a year and I am sick and tired of trying to find somewhere to store them seeing as she never orders anything from any of them.

 1127. Remember that your home is not a museum  . . .

 1128. Or a library.

 1129. Get a hands-free set for mobile phone.

 1130. Change burglar-alarm code to something slightly less obvious  . . .

 1131. And my email password.

 1132. Replace watch battery.

 1133. Get a proper bag not a rucksack seeing as you are neither a hiker nor a skateboarding student.

 1134. Give the man-bag a chance.

 1135. Do something with the leftover gravel that’s at the bottom of the garden.

 1136. Get outdoor plug socket fitted so that I don’t have to do scary things with extension leads when I want to cut the grass.

 1137. Wash out the outside bin  . . .

 1138. And the recycling boxes too.

 1139. Make DVD of kids for mother-in-law as promised last Christmas.

 1140. Try to like something by Leonard Cohen other than ‘Famous Blue Raincoat’.

 1141. Fix parents’ front door bell.

 1142. Watch
Citizen Kane
  . . .

 1143. And
The Shawshank Redemption
  . . .

 1144. And
Hotel Rwanda
  . . .

 1145. And
Raging Bull
  . . .

 1146. And
The French Connection
  . . .

 1147. And
The Deer Hunter
  . . .

 1148. And
Jean de Florette
  . . .

 1149. And
The Exorcist
  . . .

 1150. And
Don’t Look Now
  . . .

 1151. And
Breathless
  . . .

 1152. And
Easy Rider
  . . .

 1153. Find out what the dozen or so random keys in the key drawer actually open.

 1154. Get new back-door key in case we lose the original.

 1155. Drop a set of spare keys at my parents.

 1156. And another set at Andy’s.

 1157. Give Damian Rice’s second album a chance  . . .

 1158. And Stone Rose’s one  . . .

 1159. And the Strokes’ one too  . . .

 1160. And while we’re at it, Goldfrapp’s entire output since that first one.

 1161. Work out how to stop texting like an old man whilst still avoiding irksome phrases like ‘c u l8tr’ and ‘lol’.

 1162. Find out why wedding ring is turning skin funny.

 1163. Get into reading and checking bank statements.

 1164. Arrange for builder to quote for new roof that has been looking decidedly dodgy since we first bought the house.

 1165. Fly kite with child.

 1166. Now that you have perfected the three-pint triangle manoeuvre, try the four-pint square.

 1167. Stop bingeing.

 1168. Fix puncture on Lydia’s bike rather than pumping it up all the time as you have been doing since May.

 1169. Eat less bread.

 1170. Use electric toothbrush.

 1171. Eat more soup.

 1172. Put preservative on lawn edging.

 1173. Listen to more classical music  . . .

 1174. And opera.

 1175. Indulge wife’s increasing fondness for scatter cushions without complaint.

 1176. Re-pot the spider plant  . . .

 1177. And the Aloe Vera plant  . . .

 1178. And the potted palm in the bathroom  . . .

 1179. And the other potted palm in the bathroom  . . .

 1180. And the plant with the big leaves that keep dropping off  . . .

 1181. And the umbrella plant  . . .

 1182. And the cheese plant  . . .

 1183. And the fern  . . .

 1184. And the potted palm in the living room  . . .

 1185. And the yucca.

 1186. Ebay golf set  . . .

 1187. And broken digital camera  . . .

 1188. And old iPod  . . .

 1189. And bass guitar  . . .

 1190. And season one of
House
  . . .

 1191. And my old SLR camera  . . .

 1192. And old miniDV camera  . . .