The To-Do List (37 page)

 622. And Gomez’s
Bring It On
  . . .

 623. And The Black Crow’s
Amorica
  . . .

 624. And Gene’s
Drawn To The Deep End
  . . .

 625. And Dinah Washington’s
The Roulette Years
  . . .

 626. And Terry Hall’s
The Collection
  . . .

 627. And Soul Jazz Record’s
300 Dynamite
compilation  . . .

 628. And Erlend Oye’s
DJ Kicks
compilation  . . .

 629. And
The Best of The Wiggles
.

 630. Hand in the receipts to publishers that you forgot to hand in last summer but have been too scared to hand in ever since.

 631. Give new address to all people and institutions who are still sending mail to your parents’ address.

 632. Get mobile phone for Mum.

 633. Get mobile phone for Dad.

 634. Wrestle middle brother.

 635. Do something with the million and one mini-discs in the box under the bed.

 636. Stop early adopting when it comes to new technology.

 637. Finish off any books that you started but couldn’t finish such as
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
  . . .

 638. And
My Friend Leonard
  . . .

 639. And
The Old Man and The Sea
  . . .

 640. And
The Writer’s Journey
  . . .

 641. And
Little Dorrit
  . . .

 642. And
The Collected Dorothy Parker
  . . .

 643. And
Alan Titchmarsh’s Complete book of Gardening
  . . .

 644. And
Screenwriting for Dummies
  . . .

 645. And
The Iliad
  . . .

 646. And
Middlemarch
  . . .

 647. And Gary Wilmot’s
Guide to Doing impressions
.

 648. Start reading food labels.

 649. Eat less sugar.

 650. Eat less salt.

 651. Eat less fat.

 652. Switch off electrical appliances at night.

 653. Stop leaving TV on standby.

 654. Install a doorbell.

 655. Digitise best of old mix tapes.

 656. Get a business card.

 657. Get round to doing something with the speak and type software that you convinced yourself would revolutionise your writing life but you failed to even open  . . .

 658. And the jigsaw you bought after watching one episode too many of
Changing Rooms
  . . .

 659. And the microwave egg poacher  . . .

 660. And the IKEA cappuccino maker  . . .

 661. And the sunflower seeds  . . .

 662. And the cress seeds  . . .

 663. And the lettuce seeds  . . .

 664. And the pedometer  . . .

 665. And the ludicrously expensive cable that can attach the computer to the TV  . . .

 666. And the revolutionary steam cleaner you bought from the back of the
Telegraph
magazine.

 667. Try to engage more people in friendly conversation.

 668. Score at Monday night football.

 669. Do something with the fifty billion empty jam jars and the quarter of a million empty biscuit tins Claire keeps squirrelling away around the house claiming that they’ll ‘come in useful’ some day.

 670. Get rid of weeds from front path.

 671. De-stink trainers.

 672. Use up all the mini bottle of toiletries that you insist on liberating from hotel bathrooms.

 673. Come up with a plan B.

 674. Balance chequebook.

 675. Find out what balancing a chequebook actually entails.

 676. Clean out microwave.

 677. Take the Glucosamine sulphate tablets Claire bought for your knees.

 678. Know who’s who in government.

 679. Buy something from a door to door salesman.

 680. Replace light in microwave as I know how much you miss watching the food go around.

 681. Eat more fibre.

 682. Try to organise an NCT group reunion.

 683. Fix kickboard in kitchen that falls down when you open dishwasher.

 684. Stop to complete surveys.

 685. Reduce outlay on depreciating assets.

 686. Get some life insurance.

 687. Be more civic minded.

 688. Check my credit rating.

 689. Get blinds for Velux windows in loft.

 690. Get blind for window next to loo.

 691. Multitask.

 692. Listen to entire albums without skipping tracks.

 693. Stop spending money in a bid to cheer myself up.

 694. Decide what my stance is on the new iPod range.

 695. Try shopping at proper market stalls.

 696. Get tips from Mother about how to select good quality fruit and vegetables.

 697. Get fan for loft.

 698. Get new curtain rail for our bedroom.

 699. Buy large whiteboard  . . .

 700. And set of dry wipe marker pens.

 701. Decorate a room in something other than white or antique cream paint.

 702. Split clothes into seasons and store accordingly.

 703. Get box for shoe cleaning equipment.

 704. Buy summer-weight duvet instead of sweating underneath winter one.

 705. Buy a shoe horn.

 706. Try to get to grips with Lydia’s fascination with The Wiggles.

 707. Make space in busy schedule to use voucher for luxury health spa day kindly bought for us as a wedding anniversary present last year by Claire’s mum.

 708. When Claire asks you what you’re thinking try to have a better answer than ‘nothing’ at the ready.

 709. Vacuum all cobwebs from the ceiling.

 710. Try to say ‘no’ more often.

 711. And ‘yes’ too.

 712. Clean out the extractor fan in the kitchen  . . .

 713. And change its charcoal filter too.

 714. Drink more hot drinks.

 715. Take Lydia camping given that she’s been begging to do it on a daily basis ever since she saw people doing it on CBBC a year ago.

 716. Brush up on your degree knowledge.

 717. Consider getting a pet.

 718. Write a poem.

 719. Try to appreciate jazz.

 720. Apologise to ‘M’ for the time that I called him ‘U’.

 721. And apologise to ‘D’ for what I did on 12.12.92

 722. And apologise to ‘K’ and to ‘J’ for that thing I did that we don’t talk about.

 723. And while I’m at it issue an apology to ‘B’ for the misunderstanding that happened a while back that means we don’t talk any more.

 724. Find a mentor.

 725. Know about the solar system.

 726. Investigate car leasing.

 727. Decide if you are really ever going to watch
Matrix Reloaded
again  . . .

 728. Or
Leaving Las Vegas
  . . .

 729. Or
Shakespeare In Love
.

 730. Go on professional development courses.

 731. Be prepared.

 732. Eat more fish.

 733. Re-create first date with wife.

 734. Find out parents’ life stories.

 735. Back up phone SIM.

 736. Buy new set of everyday cutlery.

 737. Empty all food cupboards and check dates.

 738. Remember people’s wedding anniversaries.

 739. Change living room around  . . .

 740. And bedroom.

 741. Spend less time on the internet.

 742. Keep record of important numbers in case I lose bank cards.

 743. Fix wonky shelf in loft.

 744. Work out how to write next book whilst helping out more at home.

 745. MAKE SURE YOU DON’T FORGET MOTHER’S DAY AGAIN AS CLAIRE WILL NOT BE SO FORGIVING A SECOND TIME.

 746. Befriend a doctor.

 747. Stop buying new pens.

 748. And pencils.

 749. And notepads.

 750. Keep in touch with cousins.

 751. Donate old spectacles to charity.

 752. Try to redress work/life balance.

 753. Chase year-old parking ticket that was incorrectly issued to you.

 754. Get a proper wallet.

 755. Set up a direct debit to pay the water rates  . . .

 756. And the council tax  . . .

 757. And the TV licence  . . .

 758. And telephone bill.

 759. Be more romantic.

 760. Try on wedding suit and see if it fits.

 761. Replace gas canister for BBQ so that you’ll use it this summer.

 762. Make a decision about where to go on holiday next summer  . . .

 763. And when (or if) Claire should go back to work  . . .

 764. And whether we should switch to Freeserve  . . .

 765. And whether we should move house  . . .

 766. And whether we should move to the country  . . .

 767. And whether we should change to generic bran flakes  . . .

 768. And what exactly to tell Lydia about Santa  . . .

 769. And about the tooth fairy  . . .

 770. And about where babies come from  . . .

 771. And why we don’t see the newsagent’s dog taking himself for a walk any more  . . .

 772. And how we feel about private health care  . . .

 773. And organic food  . . .

 774. And ballet lessons for three year olds  . . .

 775. And what to call the new baby if it’s a boy  . . .

 776. And what to call the new baby if it’s a girl  . . .

 777. And if it’s okay to buy barn eggs.

 778. Get rid of anthill in garden.

 779. Recycle old mobile phones.

 780. Make more stuff (popcorn, mayonnaise, etc) from scratch.

 781. Get duvets cleaned.

 782. Get that really nice family photo of us all sitting on the sofa in 1970 digitally repaired.

 783. And the one of my mum when she first started nursing in Wolverhampton.

 784. Go to bed earlier.

 785. Correct the internet rumours about my untimely demise on the Sheryl Crow message board.

 786. Check fertility.

 787. Decide whether or not we’re having more children.

 788. Back up computer hard drive.

 789. Turn over mattress.

 790. Use less salt.

 791. Clean bathroom  . . .

 792. And the kitchen  . . .

 793. And the living room  . . .

 794. And the cellar  . . .

 795. And the conservatory  . . .

 796. And the bedrooms too.

 797. Clean detritus from rucksack.

 798. Sort out modem.

 799. Clean out car.

 800. Carpe diem!

 801. Get boiler checked.

 802. Fixed stained glass in hallway door.

 803. Buy new pillows as I have no idea how old the ones we have are but I do know they feel sort of crunchy.

 804. Move Lydia’s bedroom.

 805. Read all unread back issues of
Word
Magazine  . . .

 806. And
Esquire
  . . .

 807. And
MacUser
  . . .

 808. And
DVD monthly
.

 809. Clean rug in living room.

 810. Buy cover that you forgot to buy for Lydia’s IKEA chair.

 811. Catch up with John O.

 812. Get mobile number for all friends whose only contact detail I have is their email address.

 813. Finish watching Season One of
The Wire
.

 814. Get email address for all friends whose only contact detail I have is their mobile number.