The Summer I Wasn't Me (21 page)

Barbara and Kaylee jump when Brianna opens the infirmary door. Clearly they weren’t expecting her back so soon. And when they see me and Carolyn behind her, they look even more bewildered.

“What are they doing here?” Barbara asks.

“I asked them to come,” Brianna lies smoothly. “They’re in his group, and I thought it would help Matthew to have his friends here with him.”

“Well then, where’s Daniel?” Kaylee asks.

“I couldn’t very well go into the boys’ dorm at this time of night, could I, Kaylee?” Brianna snaps.

Kaylee’s face turns red. “No, of course not. I apologize.”

I still can’t see Matthew. His cot is hidden behind the open door. It’s so hard to be patient, standing here waiting for all the formalities between the counselors to be over. I just want to see him.

“Now, I would appreciate it if you would give Alexis and Carolyn a moment alone with their friend.”

“Yes, of course,” Barbara says, and she and Kaylee duck out of the cabin.

Brianna opens the door wider, and Carolyn and I rush inside. Matthew is lying on the cot, the blanket in a bunch by his feet. He’s wearing a white T-shirt pulled up to his chest and loose-fitting gym shorts. His face, arms, and legs look fine, but his middle is covered in bruises—dark ones, purple and black. There are bags of ice on his ribs and propped up against his sides. His eyes are closed, but judging from the contorted expression on his face, he’s in pain, even as he sleeps. My strong, funny friend is broken.

“I’ll give you a few minutes,” Brianna says and closes the door behind her. The three of us are alone.

Carolyn and I kneel beside Matthew and look at each other. I feel like I’m about to burst into tears, but her expression is hard, seething. She holds my gaze, and I know she understands. She finally sees this place for what it truly is. And she’s done.

My pulse quickens.

I tell myself that just because Carolyn’s seen what Mr. Martin did to Matthew and learned that Mr. Martin isn’t any better than Kenny or any other abusive scum out there and that New Horizons isn’t what she believed it to be doesn’t mean that anything has changed. She can still be done with this place without wanting to be with me. She’s still haunted by what happened with Natalie, and besides, she’s never officially said anything that should make me think that she likes me. Matthew was the one who put that idea in my head, not her.

But still. The way she’s looking at me right now…

Matthew rolls over in his cot and groans with pain as his wounds press against the thin mattress.

Carolyn tears her eyes away from mine. “Should we just let him sleep?” she whispers.

“No,” I say. “If it were me, I’d want to know that you guys were here.” I reach over and brush the hair back from Matthew’s sweaty forehead. “Hey, Matthew?” I say softly. “Wake up. It’s Lexi and Carolyn.”

He mumbles something unintelligible.

I place my hand on his arm and shake him slightly. “Matthew.”

His eyes fly open, and he sucks in air. He looks around wildly, trying to get his bearings. Then his eyes settle on me, and he relaxes.

“Hey,” I say and make myself smile. “How you doing?”

“Peachy,” he says, his voice gravelly with exhaustion. “Can’t get enough of this place. I’m thinking of investing in a timeshare.”

I laugh in relief and smile at Carolyn. She grins back. Same old Matthew. Bruised, yes. But not broken after all.

“Are you in pain?” Carolyn asks.

Matthew grimaces. “Yeah. Bruised ribs. The pills Barbara gave me are helping though.”

“Oh, Matthew,” I say. “I’m so sorry.”

“What are
you
sorry for?” he says. “You didn’t do this to me.”

“No, but you were in trouble because of me in the first place. This really is all my fault.”

“Are you crazy? None of this is your fault.”

“But in DC—”

“Lexi, this was going to happen no matter what,” Matthew says. “It was always about me. I think from the very first day Mr. Martin met me, he knew it was going to end one of two ways. And honestly, between this and what he
wanted
me to do, I’ll choose this every time.”

“Don’t worry.” I keep my voice low, just in case Brianna is outside listening. “He’s going to get what’s coming to him. Brianna told us some stuff. You were right—he
has
done it before.”

Matthew raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean
Brianna
told you some stuff?”

Carolyn and I explain what happened and what Brianna told us about her brother. Matthew’s eyes grow wider and wider the longer we talk.

“I cannot
believe
that she told you all that,” he says when we’re done.

“I kind of backed her into a corner so she had to. But honestly, I don’t think we gave her enough credit. She lied to Kaylee and Barbara just so we could come see you.”

“Unreal,” Matthew says.

“So when does Barbara think you’ll be able to get out of here?” Carolyn asks.

“She guessed a week. I just have to wait until I can get up and walk around without crazy pain. It’s okay. I actually don’t mind being here. It’s better than having to face all those people who watched that asshole beat me up and didn’t try to stop it.”

“I’m so sorry,” I say again, my heart aching.

“Lexi! Stop apologizing!” Matthew says. “I would slap you, you know, if I could move.”

“Okay, okay, sorry.”

He shoots me a look.

The infirmary’s creaky screen door swings open, and Brianna enters the room. “It’s after midnight, girls. You need to be getting back to the dorm.”

Carolyn and I stand. I lean over and give Matthew a light kiss on the forehead. “We’ll be back,” I tell him.

“I know. Thanks, you guys.”

Brianna comes closer and looks down at Matthew like she wants to say something but can’t find the words.

“Brianna?” he says. “You okay?”

She nods. “I…um…I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what Mr. Martin did to you. I think…maybe…he sometimes goes too far.”

It’s a half-ass apology, but coming from her, it’s huge. “Thank you,” Matthew says.

Brianna keeps standing there, staring at him.

“Was there something else?” he asks.

“I was just wondering…did it work?” she asks.

“Did what work?”

“The exorcism.”

Carolyn and I exchange a look, but I have to give Matthew credit. He keeps a straight face. “Yes,” he says, deadpan. “I think it just might have done the trick.”

Brianna’s face breaks into the biggest smile I’ve ever seen from her. “I’m so glad to hear it. You’re going to be just fine, Matthew.” She turns to me and Carolyn. “I’m going to sit with Matthew until Barbara gets back. You two go ahead.”

We wave good-bye to Matthew. While Brianna’s back is still turned, he rolls his eyes at her. Brianna’s right—he’s going to be just fine. Thank God.

As we walk back through the quiet woods, Carolyn says, “What was Matthew talking about back there, Lexi? Why do you think this is your fault? What happened in DC?”

“You caught that, huh?”

“It was pretty hard to miss.”

There’s no point lying now. “He pushed us off that train because he knew I liked you and he wanted to give us the chance to spend the day alone together.”

She takes her eyes away from her path to look at me and in doing so trips over a root sticking out of the earth. I grab her arm just in time to save her from hurtling face-first to the ground. Her hand flies to her chest, and she steadies her footing and catches her breath.

I’m still holding on to her. I can’t seem to let go.

She meets my eyes and my heart pounds. “Thanks,” she says. “You saved me.”

“Anytime.” I smile.

“So Matthew knew?” she asks.

“Yeah.” We’re alone, in the dark, my hand is on her arm, and we’re actually talking about my feelings for her. Whoa.

“What did you tell him?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. Nothing.”

She takes a step closer and smiles. “I don’t think he would have gone through all of this for
nothing
.”

I can’t speak. I can’t think. She’s so close. She smells incredible. I stare at her mouth—one corner is turned up ever so slightly. I glance up and find that her eyes are on my mouth too. I’m pretty sure we’re feeling the same thing.

But then the unmistakable sound of someone walking down the path pulls us apart. My hand leaves Carolyn’s arm and she leaps away, putting several feet of space between us. She starts walking again, and I follow, left with only one thought:
w
hat
just
happened?

The source of the noise was Barbara. We run into her on her way back to the infirmary from the main cabin. “Go get some rest, ladies,” she says. “It’s been a long couple of days.”

“We will,” Carolyn says. “You too. And thanks for taking care of Matthew.”

“Of course, dear. Good night.”

Carolyn and I don’t say anything else for the rest of the walk. The closer we get to the main cabin, the more dangerous it would be to pick up our conversation where we left off. When we get back to the dorm, Carolyn wordlessly grabs
The
Great
Gatsby
off my nightstand and goes over to her area. I get into bed, and just as I’m about to drift off to sleep, the book lands with a
thump
on the foot of my bed.

It’s too dark in the room for me to see Carolyn, but there’s just enough moonlight streaming through my window for me to see that she’s dog-eared a page. It’s page 28—the end of chapter one. Most of the page is blank for the chapter break, and Carolyn’s drawn something in. It looks like a map.
Tomorrow morning
, she’s written underneath.
6 a.m.

It’s still dark when I get out of bed. Carolyn’s already gone, off on her run. And today I’m joining her. I don’t have time to take a shower, but I brush my teeth and wash my face quickly and throw on some clothes. Everyone is still sound asleep when I sneak out.

I grip the book tightly and follow Carolyn’s map as best I can. Instead of making a left out of the main cabin to go toward the field like I have every day for the past month and a half, I turn right. I tiptoe across the grass, keeping close to the side of the building in case anyone happens to look out any of the second-floor windows as I go by. Going to meet Carolyn like this is even more dangerous than sneaking out last night to go see Matthew. Our reasons for doing that were honorable, as far as Brianna was concerned. But meeting Carolyn alone, in the early hours of the morning—well, there’s only one reason for us to do that. I try not to think of that reason as I half walk, half run to meet her.

The map Carolyn drew from memory in the dark is surprisingly detailed. I know exactly where to enter the woods, exactly which trail to take when I reach a fork. She knows this place well—it’s her own little private world that no one else at the camp has seen. And she’s invited me into it.

I round the next bend and there she is. She stands in the middle of a little open, grassy area, stretching. She’s in her running clothes, her hair pulled away from her face, beads of sweat sprinkling her collarbone. She smiles when she sees me. “You found it,” she says.

“Yeah,” I say, suddenly incredibly nervous. “You run here every day?”

“Yup. Beautiful, isn’t it?”

I’m sure it is. But I can’t keep my eyes off her. I take a step closer.

She holds my gaze and takes a step of her own.

And then, like two magnets that have suddenly entered the same force field, we come together.

He knew that when he kissed this girl, and forever wed his unutterable visions to her perishable breath, his mind would never romp again like the mind of God.

Electricity explodes through every part of me as my mouth meets hers.
This
is what a kiss is supposed to be. There’s no one else around, no party games, no boys to be putting on a show for. Just me and Carolyn and the lightning between us.

I drop the book and pull her closer to me. Her hands are in my hair, one of mine is on the small of her back, the other caressing her face. It’s the best moment of my life.

Far too soon, we break apart. Carolyn grins at me, her face flushed, her eyes full of…
something
. Something good. She threads her fingers through mine and we sit together in the grass. We stay like that for a while, holding hands, just staring at each other. And then I can’t take it anymore—I close the distance between us and crush my mouth against hers again. We topple over onto the grass, giggling and kissing and happy.

***

“We have to be getting back,” she whispers. It’s the first thing either of us has said. We’re lying in the grass, her head resting on my chest. I run my fingers through her hair and breathe her in.

“I don’t want to,” I murmur.

Carolyn laughs and props herself up on her elbows to look at me. “Me either.” She gives me a soft peck on the lips. “But it’s seven o’clock. Kaylee’s alarm is going to go off in thirty minutes, and you need to be back in your bed by the time that happens.”

She’s right. But I hate the reminder that the real world actually exists. I want to just stay here, lying in this patch of wild grass with Carolyn forever.

“Okay,” I say with a sigh and push myself up to standing. “Let’s go.”

We hold hands as we walk back through the woods, and I slip back into bed just in time.

I can’t believe this morning really happened. I finally kissed Carolyn, after all this time. And it was perfect. I keep catching myself staring at her as we get ready for the day, grinning like a giant dope.

But she’s acting like nothing happened. She barely even looks at me, and when she does, her eyes hold no hint of the magic that happened between us.

I know she has to act that way, to play it cool so we’re not found out, that I need to be acting that way too, but I can’t help but feel a little twinge of worry when I see her impassive face. Maybe she changed her mind at some point between our time together in the woods this morning and now. Maybe she’s freaked out by what happened and decided to reaffirm her commitment to the de-gayifying. Maybe I did something wrong…

I wish I could talk to her, but there’s just no way.

“Has anyone heard anything about Matthew?” Daniel asks at breakfast.

Carolyn and I look at each other.
Do
we
tell
him?
she asks silently. I shrug.

“What’s going on?” Daniel says, suspicious now.

“Okay. Don’t tell anyone,” Carolyn says, her voice low, “but we went to see Matthew last night.”

“You did?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, how is he? Is he all right?” He looks really worried.

I nod. “He’s going to be okay. He’s pretty shaken up and in a lot of pain though. Barbara said he should probably be able to join the rest of us in about a week.”

“Can I go see him? How come you guys got to?”

Carolyn and I share another look, and this time I see a hint of the sparkle from this morning in her eyes. “It’s a long story,” she says and squeezes my hand under the table.

That one small touch is everything.

I try not to smile, but it doesn’t work very well. My skin sizzles where her hand meets mine and it takes everything I have to stop myself from jumping on her right here. God, I want to kiss her again.

Daniel looks back and forth between the two of us, like he knows there’s something going on but he doesn’t know what. But he doesn’t get to ask because Mr. Martin claps his hands to get everyone’s attention.

“I’ve invited some very special guests to speak to us today,” he announces. “This is one of my favorite sessions of the entire summer—it’s alumni day! New Horizons campers of the past are here to share their success stories with us!”

The carpet cabin is set up similarly to the way it was on the very first day of camp: the chairs are arranged in a big circle. But there are even more chairs in the circle this time to accommodate all the counselors as well as the five “very special guests.”

The guest speakers are all pretty young. The youngest looks about nineteen, the oldest maybe twenty-five or so. They are all dressed pretty similarly too, in New Horizons chic—the girls are wearing skirts and dresses in pastel, Easter-egg shades, with long hair and delicate jewelry. The men are in crisp, collared shirts and ties. Every single one of them has a wedding ring on his or her finger.

They sit up straight in their chairs, looking at Mr. Martin like he still holds some power over them, like they’re all frightened fifteen-year-olds again, on their first day of camp.

Pieces start to click into place—the campers’ almost God-like worship of Mr. Martin, even years later. What he said to Matthew in the office yesterday about
I
had
a
father
like
that
too. But mine was worse, so much worse
. His lies, his coercions. Brianna’s story about his past. There are still so many holes in the plot, but I think I have enough to at least sketch a pretty coherent outline. And I think what it all adds up to is
power
. Somewhere along the way, Jeremiah Martin lost control of his life. I don’t know how or when or why, and I don’t want to. He can keep his Father Wound to himself. But what I do know is this is how he’s trying to get that control back—by demanding our obedience, respect, attention, even our love. Or what he thinks is love, anyway.

Mr. Martin introduces the guests, and they each tell a brief version of their story—they’re all variations on the same theme: “I led a misguided youth, but through the guidance of New Horizons and the support of my church, my SSA is buried far in my past. I’m now married with two wonderful children and happier than ever, living the life God intended for me.”

After the opening statements are over, we get to ask questions. It’s too bad Matthew is missing this—he would be having a field day right now. But without Matthew here to ask the hard-hitting questions, the Q&A is just as safe as the speakers’ stories:

“How did you meet your husband/wife?”

“Do you ever worry about your children having SSA?”

“What do you do to ensure your SSA never comes back?”

“How did you stay away from temptation in college?”

“In what ways is your life better now than it was when you had SSA?”

Blah, blah, blah.

I watch Carolyn carefully throughout the session, trying to read her expression. But her face is so carefully arranged for the counselors that even I can’t see past the mask.

It’s torture, being so close to her but not being able to do anything about it. In some ways, it’s worse than when I loved her in secret. At least then I didn’t know what I was missing.

A crazy impulse comes over me, and I make the split-second decision to do what Matthew can’t. I raise my hand and ask, “Do any of you still find yourselves attracted to members of the same sex?”

The guests look at each other, but no one volunteers an answer.

Kaylee is suddenly very interested in her manicure. John stares out the window, and Deb’s face is as blank as always. Mr. Martin is the only one looking at me.

“Of course not, Lexi,” he says with a pleasant smile. “God has cured us.”

“Sorry, I guess I’m just a little confused,” I say just as congenially. “The work we do here at New Horizons consists mainly of learning the techniques to resist our SSA, right? To keep making the right choices, even after we leave New Horizons.”

“Yes.”

“So that means that our ‘cure’ depends on our actively choosing to not be gay every single day. That’s a lot of work. And I’m not saying it’s not worth it or that it’s not right or anything like that,” I add, “but it’s got to be tiring. So I’m just wondering if any of you ever find yourselves letting your guard down and letting the SSA creep back in, even just for a moment. If you ever experience any of those old feelings.”

There’s a moment of silence as Mr. Martin studies me, trying to figure out which road to take here. I blink back at him innocently, my posture perfect and my legs crossed delicately at the ankles, just like Brianna taught us. Finally he turns to the guests.

“Please, don’t be shy,” he says to them. “Do you ever experience any of those old feelings?”

The guests answer exactly the same:

“No.”

“No, sir.”

“No.”

“No.”

“No.”

Mr. Martin turns back to me. “Does that answer your question, Lexi?”

“Yes. Thank you, Mr. Martin.”

“Good. Moving on.”

I’m not even sure what the point of pushing him like that was, but the tiny smile curling the corners of Carolyn’s mouth made it worth it.

That night, as we get ready for bed, I catch Carolyn’s eye across the dorm room. I raise my eyebrows questioningly and she gives a tiny smile and nods. That settles it—I’m going to meet her again. Luckily, sleepy, old Barbara is on dorm duty tonight.

***

The instant Carolyn and I see each other in the woods the next morning, we throw ourselves at each other. It’s amazing how her touch, her kiss, is already something I need so desperately. Now that I’ve had it, I can’t live without it.

“Lexi,” she whispers and brushes her mouth across my lips, my jaw, my neck. She pulls my body tight against hers, and then her hands are slowly traveling up my shirt. I’m not wearing a bra, and it’s only a matter of seconds before we cross over into new territory. I want it. I want her, so badly…but I have to press pause.

“Wait,” I gasp and make myself pull away.

“I’m sorry,” she says quickly. “I didn’t mean to—”

I smile and shake my head. “No, believe me, you didn’t do anything wrong.” I give her a quick peck on the lips to reassure her. “I just think…we need to talk.”

Carolyn looks disappointed, but she nods in agreement. “You’re probably right.”

We sit in the grass and study each other. It’s pretty clear neither of us knows where to begin. But we only have a finite amount of time before we need to go back to camp, so I decide to jump right in. “Have you changed your mind about wanting to become straight?” I ask point-blank.

To my surprise, Carolyn laughs. “I would have thought that was pretty obvious,” she says.

“Well, not entirely,” I admit. “You just seemed
so
into the idea, even after I told you all that stuff in DC…”

She takes my hand. “I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t have feelings for you,” she confesses. “When I first realized I liked you, I wanted to believe more than ever that the reparative therapy could work. I was so scared of what would happen if I let myself go where my heart wanted to take me. And then after we talked about Natalie in DC, those fears kind of renewed themselves. I was being stupid. I’m so sorry.”

“When did you realize you liked me?” I ask, thrilled that she’s finally said the words.

“Honestly?”

I nod.

“The first moment I saw you,” she says, “across the circle in the cabin.”

I squeeze her hand. “That’s when I knew I liked you too.”

She squints, remembering. “It was really strange, actually. There was like this…
connection
I suddenly felt with you. Like a spark or something.”

“Like lightning,” I say.

She smiles. “Yeah. Like lightning.”

“So,” I say, just to be sure, “you’re done with the de-gayifying?”

“I’m
so
done.” She shakes her head. “I can’t
believe
I actually wanted it to work.”

“You had your reasons,” I tell her. “We both did.”

“Well, now that I know who Mr. Martin really is, I don’t want anything to do with him or his camp ever again.”

A terrible thought occurs to me. “You know, you could go home now. Your parents want you to. Now that you don’t have any reason to stay, you could leave.”

“But I
do
have a reason to stay…” She reaches over and brushes her thumb lightly across my lips.

My heart swells. “I won’t hurt you,” I promise. “I’m not Natalie.”

“And I’m not Zoë,” she says, still staring at my mouth.

“I know.”

And then she kisses me.

This time, I don’t stop her.