The Summer I Wasn't Me (20 page)

While the praying grows stronger and louder still, Brother Wilson dives into the meat of the exorcism. “
You
, homosexual demon, come out in Jesus’s name!” he shouts, still gripping onto Matthew’s head. Matthew stands there, eyes squeezed shut, arms straight down at his sides, his hands pulled into tight fists. His chest heaves unevenly, his breathing ragged. I know he’s saying a prayer of his own right now—for this all to be over soon. “Homosexual spirit,” Brother Wilson continues over the cacophony, “I command you to vacate this young man’s body!”

It goes on like this for a long time. The crowd prays and the healer “casts the demon.”

And Matthew just stands there, letting it all happen.

Just when I’m starting to feel like it’s got to be over soon, that it can’t possibly get worse, Mr. Martin shouts out, “The demon is still inside you, Matthew, but he has been weakened! It’s time to expel him forever!”

He nods to Brother Wilson, and Brother Wilson nods back. “Pray!” Brother Wilson commands the group, and everyone picks up their chanting with even more energy. “The blood of Jesus will clean the spirit!” he shouts, and then, with no warning, he hits Matthew.

Hits
him. Punches him, with his large fist, in the stomach.

For a moment, I’m stunned. That didn’t really happen, did it? It couldn’t have. It doesn’t make sense.

But Matthew is on the floor, curled in the fetal position, gasping out in pain.

I finally find my voice. “
NO
!
” I scream, in control of myself at last. I launch myself out of my seat and climb past the laps and legs of the people in my row. “Don’t hurt him!” I cry. “Somebody stop this!”

My shouts ring throughout the room because—I’m only just realizing—the crowd went silent at Brother Wilson’s blow. Instead of chants and stomps, the room is now filled with ghost-white faces frozen in shock and a sense of incompleteness as gasps are held in but not released.

Oh, thank God. They’re not as brainwashed as I thought. But they’re still just sitting there.

“Homosexual demon, be gone!” Brother Wilson yells as Matthew lies there, trying to get his air back. “I force you from this body!” And he kicks him—just once, seemingly strategically placed in Matthew’s middle section, but hard.

When I reach the aisle—still shouting for somebody to help—I’m immediately restrained by two of the counselors. I don’t pay attention to who they are—all I can focus on is Matthew, writhing on the plushy blue carpet, sobbing.

I flashback to the first day of the Father Wound sessions, when Ian was hitting Gabe with the Nerf bat. That was the worst thing I’d ever seen—scary and violent and cruel. But that was nothing compared to this. This is
real
. This time, there are no soft foam bats or counselors monitoring to make sure no one gets hurt.

This time, the counselors
want
him to get hurt.

“Spirits of homosexuality,
get
ou
t
! I compel you to leave!”

“Matthew!” I scream.

Matthew rolls over and vomits.

A strange, irrelevant thought pierces through my rage—they’re going to have to replace the carpet again. There’s no way they’re going to get the stain out.

Is this why the carpet seemed so new at the beginning of the summer? Does this type of thing happen often at New Horizons? Mr. Martin said they’ve only had one exorcism here before, but maybe there have been other beatings and attacks that weren’t attached to exorcisms? The counselors don’t seem at all surprised by what’s happening, and no one is doing anything to stop it.

I try to get away from my captors, but their hold on me is unbreakable. So I just keep screaming and crying until I exhaust my air supply. I break off, gasping, and only then, in the gap in my own shouts, do I hear the others.

Other people are yelling too, pleading for them to leave Matthew alone. I blink through my cloudy vision. It’s Jasmine and Ian and Gabe and Rachael and this guy named Chris who I’ve never really spoken to but who is all of a sudden one of my favorite people in the world.

And one voice is louder than all the others. I whip my head around to find the source of the sound. And then I see her—in the opposite aisle, across the cabin, Carolyn is being restrained by John and Brianna. Her face is red and splotchy, and her eyes are overflowing with tears. “
Stop
!
” she cries. “
Please, stop
!
”

We lock eyes. Past the tears and puffiness and utter horror, her gaze burns with strength, and I know that no matter what’s happened between us in the past, right now we’re on the same side.

It gives me the clarity I need to see this whole situation for what it truly is.

The exorcism isn’t just for Mr. Martin to assert his power and control over Matthew—it’s
payback
.

Matthew embarrassed Mr. Martin, so Mr. Martin is embarrassing Matthew—in front of everyone.

Matthew hurt Mr. Martin, so Mr. Martin has found a way to hurt him right back.

I didn’t think it was possible to hate that man any more than I already did.

I spot Daniel in the crowd, clutching his wooden cross to his chest. His mouth is hanging open, and his eyes behind his glasses are as huge and round as oranges.

I clear my throat as much as I can, take a deep breath, and call out, “Daniel!”

He jumps at the sound of his name and looks around, confused.

“Over here!” I say, and he finally turns my way.

I look at him desperately, and he stares back. He looks terrified and confused, like he still doesn’t quite comprehend what’s happening.

“Help,” I croak.

There’s no way he can hear me over the shouts of the others and the continuous bellowing of Brother Wilson, but his face registers with understanding. He knows what I’m asking. He nods his head quickly, faces forward again, and bends his head over his cross.

While Daniel prays for Matthew, and Carolyn hopes or wishes or does whatever her version of praying is, I relax in the arms of the counselors, making it clear that I’m giving up. They loosen their grip on me right away, probably glad for a rest. I count to three, take a long, deep breath, and gather my strength. And then I make a run for it. I bolt away from the counselors, sprint down the aisle, and dodge Mr. Martin.

Just as I get to Matthew, Brother Wilson gives another kick, his third and final blow, and Matthew passes out.

I throw myself down and cover his body with my own anyway, protecting him. But it’s too little too late.

Brother Wilson steps back, wipes the sweat off his brow, and says, “In the name and authority of the Lord Jesus Christ, we forbid you, homosexual spirit, from operating in any way within young Matthew ever again. Praise be to God.”

They won’t take Matthew to the hospital.

He regained consciousness shortly after the exorcism finally came to an end. Barbara looked him over right there in the carpet cabin—the other campers had already been ushered back up to the dorms, but I refused to leave his side until I knew he was okay. He was badly bruised and in pain, but Barbara assessed that there were no broken bones or anything life-threatening. So Mr. Martin said there was no need to call a doctor.

And Matthew agreed.

Yesterday, I would have been surprised about that. Today, not so much.

If a minor showed up in the hospital in this kind of shape, the authorities would immediately be called. It would probably lead to an investigation of New Horizons and maybe even arrests. Bad news for Mr. Martin.

And at the very least, Matthew’s parents would be called, and Mr. Martin would spin it just so, and Matthew’s dad would find out all the reasons why his son was on the verge of being kicked out of the camp. Bad news for Matthew.

So, for both their sakes, they’re keeping the whole thing under wraps.

The next day, while Barbara and Kaylee tend to Matthew in the infirmary, the other counselors keep us occupied. The boys play another baseball game; Brianna leads Bible study; the girls take turns practicing threading the sewing machine. There’s no downtime, and meals are rushed. It’s like they’re trying to prevent us from actually having time to think about what happened last night.

Like that’s even possible. I’ve been threading sewing machines for years, but now every time I try, I break the thread or prick my finger. I can’t concentrate.

Carolyn and I share a lot of looks. All this waiting and worry has got to be even worse for her because she still doesn’t have any idea why Mr. Martin did this to him.

That night, as we’re getting ready for bed, I finally get the chance to talk to her.

“Lexi,” she whispers as soon as I come over to her area. “We have to do something! We have to go check on him.”

“I know,” I say. “But how?”

“We could ask.”

I give her a
yeah, right
look.

“Okay, okay. We’ll have to sneak out then. After everyone’s asleep.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. We have to make sure he’s okay.”

“But what if we get caught?” I ask, unsure.

Carolyn bites her lower lip, thinking. “I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t just stay here doing nothing.”

I sigh. “I know. Okay, let’s do it. Eleven o’clock? Everyone should be asleep by then.”

She nods. “Eleven.”

Even though the lights are turned out as usual at ten, I can’t sleep. I’m too worked up worrying about Matthew, replaying the whole thing in my mind, nervous about sneaking out. If we get caught, that’s it. We’ll be shipped back home before the sun comes up.

And then where would I be? I was ready to give up the fake-being-straight-for-Mom plan when I thought I would have Carolyn to help me through it, but she’s made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want me. So I would be kicked out with nothing to show for my time here at New Horizons—not turned straight, no chance to go forward with the fake-it plan, and no girlfriend. I’d be right back where I started.

But Matthew is my friend. I need to make sure he’s okay. I need to let him know we’re here for him.

And there’s also the tiny issue of
guilt
. All of this is because of me. Because Matthew wanted to give me the chance to spend the day with the girl I liked. This is
my
fault. I can’t turn my back on him now. No matter the consequences.

I watch the digital alarm clock next to Deb’s bed.

10:58.

10:59.

11:00.

The room is very still, the girls’ breathing deep and rhythmic.

As quietly as I can, my heart hammering in my chest, I slip out from under the sheets and grab my sneakers from under the bed. I tiptoe across the room, past a snoring Deb, and meet up with Carolyn near the door.

Are
you
sure
you
want
to
do
this?
I ask her with my eyes.

The moonlight streaming through the window catches her face. She nods once.

I twist the doorknob slowly and silently, and we leave the dorm. The door closes behind us with a muted thud.

We stop at my rock to brush the dirt and grass from our feet and slip our shoes on.

“Barbara or Kaylee will probably be down there, you know,” I say. Even my whisper sounds loud in the dark woods.

Carolyn nods. “I know. We’ll have to peek through the window when we get there to see if they’re awake.”

“And if they are?”

“We won’t be able to go inside. But at least we’ll be able to see Matthew through the window. Hopefully it’ll be a good enough view to be able to see how he’s doing.”

“Okay,” I say. We resume walking.

Then Carolyn says, “About the other day…”

I flinch. Why is she bringing that up now? Don’t we have enough tragedy to deal with at the moment?

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” I say. It comes out harsher than I mean it to.

“Oh,” Carolyn says. “All right.”

“It’s just…with everything going on with Matthew…”

“No, I understand. Sorry.”

The field looks different at night. It looks smaller somehow, and the moonlight casts unfamiliar shadows across the grass.

The infirmary is the only cabin with a light on.

“I guess they’re awake,” I whisper.

“Yeah.” She looks at me. “Well, it’s now or never.” And she takes off across the field.

I follow close behind, being careful not to step on any crunchy leaves or twigs.

We’re about halfway across the field when a thought occurs to me.

“Wait.” I grab Carolyn’s arm and she stops short. I can’t help noticing how soft and warm her skin is.

“What?” she whispers.

“Let me go to the window first.”

“Why?”

“What if Kaylee or Barbara happens to be looking out the window when our faces pop up in it? We’ll be in a lot of trouble.”

“Yeah, but we knew that was the risk.”

“But it doesn’t have to be
both
of us who get in trouble,” I say. “If the only face she sees is mine, I’ll be the only one who gets caught. You’ll be safe. I can give you a signal to go hide before they come outside.”

Carolyn stares at me. “But why should it be you who sacrifices yourself? This was my idea—
I
should be the one to take the fall.”

I shake my head and allow myself to look into her eyes. They’re twinkling with the reflections of the stars above. “I think we both know I’m not exactly getting anything out of the program. If one of us has to go home, it should be me.”

She hesitates.

“So we’re agreed then,” I say. “Good. Now come on.”

I’m almost at the infirmary window when the door swings open and Carolyn and I find ourselves face to face with Brianna.

We stare at each other, stunned, for an eternity.

We’re caught. We’re both going home—I didn’t even get the chance to be noble and save Carolyn. I wonder if they’ll let us see Matthew before we leave.

I open my mouth to say something, though I have no idea what, when Brianna snaps into action. “Follow me,” she whispers and unlocks the door to the carpet cabin.

Carolyn and I exchange a glance and follow her inside. My stomach turns over when I see the large brownish stain on the carpet.

Brianna keeps the light off and leads us over to the far corner, as far away from the infirmary cabin as possible.

“What are you two doing?” she demands.

“We, uh—” I begin. I look to Carolyn for help.

“We wanted to see Matthew,” she says unapologetically.

“You realize you’re breaking about fifteen camp rules by being here right now?” Brianna says.

We nod. “We were worried about him,” I say.

Brianna slides down to the floor, suddenly tired and sad. “I know,” she says. “You’re good friends.”

My jaw drops. Did Brianna just
compliment
us? Even though she just caught us breaking fifteen of her precious camp rules? Did we stumble into some sort of alternate universe?

I look at Carolyn. She just shrugs.

I sit beside Brianna on the floor. “Is he okay?” I ask gently.

“He’s doing as well as can be expected. He’s in a lot of pain, but he’ll make a full recovery.”

The knot in my chest loosens a little.

“Are we in trouble?” Carolyn asks, sitting now too.

“Did anyone see you leave the dorm?” Brianna asks.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Then no. If someone had seen you, I would have had to report this to Mr. Martin. But I’m fine with keeping it between us if you are.”

Okay, we’ve
definitely
entered Bizarro World. Brianna’s actually being
decent
. But I’m not going to question it.

“Thank you,” I say. Brianna looks at me, and I see a hint of the smile I saw that day so many weeks ago in the rec cabin—proof that there’s a real person in there somewhere. Looking at her here, sitting on the floor, her pigtails coming loose, her face exhausted, it dawns on me how young she really is.

“Why did Mr. Martin do this to Matthew?” Carolyn asks. I guess she figures that we’ve already been caught breaking the rules and we’ve been given a rare moment with an open, honest Brianna, so she might as well take advantage.

“Because Matthew attacked him yesterday. Mr. Martin told you all that.”

“But it doesn’t make sense!” Carolyn says, frustrated.

“Matthew is troubled,” Brianna says. “But now that his demon has been released, hopefully he’ll be able to turn his life around.” But the words lack her usual passion.

I run my fingers over the carpet, thinking. The fact that Brianna isn’t dragging us to Mr. Martin’s office right now means she’s kind of on our side in this. She cares about Matthew too. And she believes, on some level, that what Mr. Martin did was wrong.

I decide to take a chance.

“Mr. Martin made a pass at Matthew,” I say.

Brianna and Carolyn gape at me.

“Actually, it was more than a pass,” I continue. “He tried to blackmail Matthew into having sex with him. He said that if Matthew didn’t do what he said, he would kick him out of New Horizons.”

Brianna shakes her head. “No.”

“Yes. I was there.”

“When?” Carolyn whispers, her eyes filled with rage.

“Yesterday. When I went to bring Mr. Martin the note. I heard everything through the door. Matthew hit Mr. Martin with the stapler because it was the only way to get away. I think the exorcism was payback—and a way to scare Matthew into keeping quiet about what happened.”

Brianna’s covered her ears, but I know she can still hear me. “It’s not true,” she says. “You’re lying.”

“Why would I lie about something like this, Brianna?”

She keeps shaking her head in denial.

“I know there’s a part of you that knows what I’m saying is true,” I say softly. “If you had as much faith in Mr. Martin as you say you do, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”

It takes a long time, but Brianna’s headshaking gradually slows. She lowers her hands from her ears. She looks ragged and pale, like her whole world is shattering around her.

“How long have you worked here?” I ask her.

“Ten years,” she mumbles.

“Since the camp first opened?”

“Yes.”

“So you’ve known all the campers who’ve come through the camp?”

She nods.

I twirl a piece of the carpet material between my fingers and glance at the dark stain across the room, remembering Matthew’s certainty that he wasn’t the first camper Mr. Martin has hit on. “Has anything like this happened before?”

Brianna hesitates, but I can sense it—I’m
this
close to finally uncovering the truth about this place.

I glance at Carolyn, half expecting her to be lost in her little world again, remembering Natalie and reminding herself of all the reasons why New Horizons is good. But she’s right here, watching Brianna closely, waiting for her answer.

“It’s okay, Brianna,” I say. “You can tell us.”

“I can’t though,” she says, her voice full of anguish.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t know anything for sure. It’s just suspicions I have. And what if I’m wrong? I can’t go around slandering my brother like this!”

“
Brothe
r
?
” Carolyn and I exclaim at the same time.

“Yes, Jeremiah is my brother. My last name is Martin too.”

Okay, things are starting to make sense.

“But…you’re so much younger than he is!” Carolyn says.

Brianna nods. “There are nineteen years between us. There are a lot of kids in our family. He’s the oldest. I’m the youngest. He left home before I was even born.”

“So how did you end up working together?” I ask.

“Oh. Well, he needed to come home—he’d had an accident and had almost died. My parents took him in, but only on the condition that he attend church and Bible study with them and give up his homosexual lifestyle. At the time, I wondered if he only agreed because he had nowhere else to go to recuperate. He and my father…I don’t know. They never got along. And I grew up hearing such terrible things about my brother from my parents and my older siblings.” She pushes back the frizzy tendrils of hair that have escaped from her pigtails. “Anyway, the change in him was almost immediate. He was so grateful to God for saving his life, for giving him a second chance. He was saved. So when he asked me if I wanted to start New Horizons with him, of course I said yes. I was almost done with high school, and I thought it was a wonderful idea—my own calling from God.”

“But then you started having suspicions?”

She lowers her eyes and shakes her head to herself. “I really shouldn’t be talking about this with you,” she whispers.

“And your brother shouldn’t be sexually and physically abusing teenagers!” I snap back.

“Lexi…” Carolyn says, wordlessly warning me that if I lose my cool, we’ll lose any chance of getting Brianna to tell us what she knows.

But I’ve gotten through to Brianna. I see it. The way she’s looking right at me now, I actually think she’s relieved to finally have the chance to get it all out. She just needs a little push.

“I really can’t…” she says, shaking her head weakly. “I shouldn’t…”

I steel myself to do probably the worst thing I’ve ever done. I hate myself for manipulating her this way, but getting this information out of her is important. “Brianna,” I say. “Even if you don’t tell us another word, I already have a lot of information I’m sure the police will be interested in. The other campers might have kept your secrets in the past, maybe because they were scared of what would happen or intimidated into believing giving this place up would ruin their chances of becoming straight, I don’t know—but believe me, I’ll tell them everything.”

She gasps and stares at me, openmouthed and wild-eyed. “No, you can’t—”

“But I’m wondering if maybe it’s not as bad as I think it is. Because if the information you have is really that terrible, you would have told someone a long time ago. So, maybe if you tell us what you know, it will help us understand, and we won’t have to go to the police.”

Carolyn looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, but Brianna gets it. She understands my threat perfectly. Don’t tell us anything, and New Horizons is done for. Tell us what she knows, and she’s got at least a chance.

“Promise me,” she says.

“Promise you what?”

“Promise me that if I tell you, you won’t call the police.”

I chew on the inside of my cheek, thinking. Mr. Martin deserves to be locked up for the rest of his life. But I need to know what Brianna knows.

“I promise,” I say, and then silently add the qualifier,
Until
after
the
summer
is
over
. I’m pretty sure he won’t try anything with any other campers this summer, so there’s some time to work with.

Brianna asks Carolyn the same thing.

“Um…I don’t know…” she says, glancing at me worriedly. Of course. She’s a victim of abuse herself—of
course
she’ll want to call the police immediately. But in order to have a real case against Mr. Martin, we need to know what Brianna’s seen. I nod, letting Carolyn know it’s okay—I won’t let Mr. Martin get away with this.

She takes a deep breath and then says, “All right. Yes, I promise.”

Brianna’s shoulders sag with surrender. “At first, he was as earnest as could be. His motivations were pure; I know they were. He was so eager to prove himself to God—and to our parents. He was doing everything right. But then…”

“But then?” I nudge.

She sighs. “I first noticed it after the first year or two. He would always choose one boy to pay special attention to. It’s always one who’s resistant to the reparative therapy, like Matthew. At first I thought what he was doing was wonderful—spending extra time with the kids who needed the most help—but after a while, I noticed some strange trends.”

“Trends? What kind of trends?” I ask.

“Well, even during the years where we have quite a few resistant campers, Mr. Martin would only choose
one
to give special lessons to. And it would always be the most handsome one. And the boys would usually act strangely after a private session in Mr. Martin’s office. They would be quieter, more withdrawn.”

“You never actually caught him with a boy?” Carolyn asks.

“No. Like I said, it’s just suspicions.”

“If this has been going on for so many years, why haven’t you ever done anything about it? Why haven’t you confronted your brother?” I say.

“And how was I supposed to do that, Alexis? I didn’t want to get him in trouble. I didn’t want to believe he hasn’t actually been cured of his sickness. I didn’t want to destroy things with my family after they’re all so glad to have him back. And honestly, I didn’t want the camp to get shut down. I love this place.” She holds her arms out, gesturing to the interior of the cabin. “I’ve dedicated my life to this. And I truly believe the work we do here at New Horizons is right. It’s God’s work. And if Jeremiah were exposed, New Horizons would be gone.”

“So what you’re saying,” Carolyn says, angrier than I’ve ever seen her, “is that our friend is lying in that infirmary in agonizing pain because you don’t want to lose your job? Because somehow his life and his dignity, and the dignity of all the other boys who Mr. Martin has hurt, are a small price to pay for your precious
camp
?”

Brianna looks shell-shocked. Carolyn is right; that’s exactly what she’s saying. But I bet Brianna’s never thought about it in those terms before. She’s been living in a happy little bubble of blind denial. “No, I—”

“I want to see Matthew,” Carolyn demands. “That’s why Lexi and I came here, and I want to see him. Now.” She’s on her feet. I join her.

Brianna sighs. “All right. Let’s go.”