The Summer I Learned to Dive (15 page)

Chapter 17

I got into Jesse’s car and let it all out. I sobbed for several minutes, the ugly, uncontrollable kind. He consoled me and held me, telling me it was going to get better. We drove the entire way listening to music and not talking. I leaned my head against his shoulder watching the road ahead, the endless lines of yellow. I felt safe and secure with him.

He walked me inside my grandparents’ house. The lights were still on. It was just like we had left it, only empty.  I didn’t want to be there alone. It was eerie being there after what had happened. I kept seeing the frightening images of my grandfather having a heart attack before my very own eyes. “Can you stay for a while?” I asked. “I don’t want to be alone.”

Jesse nodded. “I’ll make you some coffee,” he said. We entered the kitchen. He started the coffee and then opened the refrigerator pulling out the cherry pie Nana had made days before.

“No.” I shook my head. “I can’t eat,” I said.

“Finn, you need to eat something,” he said. He put two slices in the microwave. He poured himself a cup of milk adding chocolate syrup and poured my coffee into a cup, fixing it the way I liked. I sipped it slowly. The microwave buzzed and he brought the slices over to the table. I took a bite, realizing that I was hungry. The shock of the evening had suppressed my appetite. I ate my slice quickly.

“Feel better?” he asked.

“Yeah, I was hungry.” I wiped the crumbs off of my mouth.  I got up and placed the dishes in the dishwasher. I looked at my porcelain skin. It was filthy. I had not had a shower since that morning and the grime from the woods was still all over me.

“I’m going to take a shower,” I said.

“Okay. Call me in the morning. I’ll take you to the hospital,” he said.

“I don’t want you to leave. Just stay here for a while longer. I won’t be that long,” I said. He must have seen the desperation in my eyes. He followed me into the living room and sat down on the couch, turning on the TV. I walked up the stairs and took the longest, hottest shower of my life. I wanted to wash away the day: the day that had been one of the best and worst of my life.

I walked downstairs with my hair sopping wet. I was cold even though it was the middle of summer and I had just taken a steaming hot shower. I had put on a t-shirt and sweat pants, but still felt a chill. I didn’t know if I was cold because of the night, because Jesse was in the house alone with me, or if it was a mixture of the two.

He looked up at me and then back at the TV. I sat down next to him, resting my head on his shoulder. He kissed my wet, sopping head. “You smell like mint,” he said.

“It’s the shampoo,” I said, feeling embarrassed.

I snuggled closer to him. He was warm, like an electric blanket.

The TV blared. We stared at it but I don’t think either of us was watching what was on. It was just noise, a background distraction, soothing, almost humming. My eyes kept closing. I was sleepy from the strenuous day. I closed my eyes for a final time and fell asleep.

I woke up early in the morning. The TV was turned off. Jesse was still there. We had fallen asleep together on the couch. Our two bodies were nestled closely together. My head lay on his chest. I could hear the sounds of his heart beat. He smelled like the sun, fresh and clean. I inhaled slowly and listened more intently to his heart beat.

He woke up and grinned at me. “Hey,” he said quietly.

“Hi.” I beamed. I sat up and stretched. “I guess we fell asleep.”

“Yeah. I guess so. I haven’t slept that good in a long time,” he confessed.

I blushed. “Me, too.”

He put his arms around me and pulled me toward him. I looked into his blue eyes. My heart literally skipped a beat. He placed his lips on mine, gently kissing me at first. The longer we kissed, the more it felt differently than the other times. This was far more intense, more frantic, and
way
less careful. His hands moved all over my back, through my hair, on the back of my neck. I could have kissed him like that for hours.

“Ahem,” my mother cleared her throat interrupting us. We instantly sat up, guilt ridden expressions all over our faces.

Nana looked at us and smiled mischievously. She winked at me. I turned red. “We were just…” I said unable to think of what to say. Kissing? Making out?

“We know. We don’t need an explanation,” Nana said.

“How is he?” I asked, trying to change the subject, fixing my messy hair.

“He is much better. I came home to shower and get some rest before I go back,” she said. “Jesse, do you think you could run things at the diner today? That’d be a big help.”

“Yes ma’am. Whatever you need me to do,” he replied.

“I knew I could count on you.” She patted him gently on the head, not condescendingly, more maternally. “Finn, you should go on with him. You can go see your grandfather after the diner’s closed,” she said.

“Are you sure?” I asked. “I could go with you now.”

“I’m positive. You help Jesse at the diner,” she said.

“I’ll take you to the hospital later on. We need to talk,” my mother said to me. I looked at Nana who nodded in agreement. I sighed quietly to myself.

“Okay,” was all that I could muster. I wanted to keep my promise to my grandfather, but talking to my mom was something that I wanted to avoid. It was inevitable and my grandparents were pushing us to reconcile. I left the room and threw on a pair of shorts, t-shirt and my work shoes. I ran down the stairs and saw Jesse talking quietly to my mother. His facial expression was serious, unreadable.

“I’m ready,” I announced, wanting to break up their pow wow.

“Finn, I’ll be by the diner when it closes,” my mother said.

“Bye,” I said, taking Jesse by the hand opening the door. Jesse told my mother goodbye and we walked toward his car.

“What was
that
all about?” I asked.

“What?”

“You two looked like you were in cahoots with each other,” I said.

“Cahoots,” he mimicked.

I hit him lightly on the arm and rolled my eyes. “It looked strange, the two of you talking,” I said. I wanted to know what they were discussing.

He sighed heavily, almost annoyed. I instantly felt childish. “Finn, we were talking about your grandfather. Then we were talking about you,” he said. He opened the passenger door and then went to the driver’s side. He turned on the ignition and began driving.

“I need to stop by my house and change clothes,” he said interrupting the silence.

“Okay,” I answered. “What’d she say to you?” I asked, wanting to know so badly.

He looked at me quickly and then back at the road. “She said your grandfather was stable, but would need a lot of time to recuperate. She asked me if you and I were becoming serious,” he said more quietly.

“What’d you say?” I blurted, hoping with all hope, he had said yes.

“I told her…” he said and then he looked at me, his blue eyes piercing into my soul, “that yes, yes we were.” My heart skipped several beats. “Was that the right thing to say?” he asked timidly. He looked at me from the corner of his eye, trying to gauge my reaction.

I moved closer to him and placed my hand on top of his hand that was shifting. “Yes, Jesse, that was exactly the right thing to say,” I said firmly, more sure of my feelings about him than anything else in my life.

“Good,” he said, breathing a sigh of relief. His hand gently rubbed mine. “Because I don’t want to be with anyone but you, Finn.” He looked into my eyes for a brief moment and then back at the road.

I squeezed his hand gently and said, “Same here.”

Chapter 18

Jesse had worked with my grandfather long enough that he knew exactly how to run the diner. He was perfectly calm and coolheaded. It was as if he had worked there his entire life. Meg and Hannah were just as helpful. It was as if my grandfather wasn’t even gone. I felt the loss, though. I knew he wasn’t there. Every time I looked into the kitchen and only saw Jesse, my heart hurt. I hadn’t realized until the night of his heart attack that I had gotten close to him, that I loved him as much as I did. He had become important to me in the short time that I knew him.

We sat at the counter, eating bowls of chili. It was one of the hottest days of summer, yet the chili was soothing. It was comforting.

“Do you think we could go and see him?” Meg asked.

I swallowed my chili. “It should be okay.”

Hannah put her arm around me. “He’s going to be all right, Finn. He’s one of the toughest people I know.” She smiled at me reassuringly.

I smiled at her, appreciative that she was trying to comfort me.

“He’s definitely tough,” Jesse added. “Just like you.”

“I’m not tough.” I shook my head.

“Sure you are,” he said with certainty. He rubbed my hand and then squeezed it. Hannah and Meg noticed and looked at me with raised eyebrows.

I blushed and tried to avert my eyes from their direction. Meg hit me gently on the arm. “It’s about time!” she said out loud.

Jesse’s face turned red. He left abruptly toward the kitchen. “Geez, Meg,” I said grimacing.

“Just saying, it’s about time.”

“Meg is right, Finn,” Hannah agreed. “You two have been eyeing each other all this time. He’s a keeper.”

“When did it happen? I want all the yummy details,” Meg said, moving closer to me, nearly sitting on me.

“There’s nothing to tell,” I whispered, blushing.

“Is he a good kisser? I bet he is,” she continued, ignoring me.

“Meg!” I groaned.

“What? I can’t ask?”

“It’s just, you know, private,” I said, trying to sound diplomatic.

“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes.

“It’s okay, Finn. Meg’s just trying to live vicariously through you since she used to crush on Jesse,” Hannah said. I looked at Meg, surprised by Hannah’s confession.

“What? That was like five years ago!” Meg said defensively.

I tried not laughing but couldn’t help it. The three of us all started laughing. It was nice, having girlfriends.

“Meg, turn on some music. We need to liven this place up,” Hannah said.

Meg stepped over to the jukebox and chose
“Walk Like a Man”
  by the Four Seasons. They began dancing and I joined them, completely uninhibited. We danced around the diner, singing at the top of our lungs. It was fun and it helped me get my mind off things.

“Dance off!” Meg shouted above the music. I gave her a confused expression.

“Each of us dances alone, showing our stellar moves,” Hannah said.

Meg changed the tune to another classic, which was all that played in the juke box, per Grandpa. He believed that music after the 1960’s was crap: his words, not mine.

“Stop in the Name of Love”
by the Supremes played. We each took turns dancing. When it was my turn, I moved to the music, without a care in the world. I didn’t realize that Jesse was watching me until I saw Meg and Hannah’s expressions. I turned three shades of red. We all laughed, me laughing more than anyone. I was thankful for them. They had become good friends to me. And having this moment, it helped me get my mind off of things.

“I’m sorry, we’re closed,” Meg said in between laughs.

“I’m here to pick up Finn,” my mother said. I abruptly stopped dancing and spun around to face her.

I played with my hair nervously. “Hey,” I said.

“Are you ready?” she asked. I could see that she was nervous.

“Give me a minute.” I motioned to Jesse to follow me into the kitchen.

“You okay?” he asked, standing next to me, his voice a near whisper.

“Just dreading our talk.” I sighed. I looked at him and tried to smile. The touch of his fingers against my face tickled my skin. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me.

“I’ll call you later,” I said, giving him a quick peck on the lips. I left the kitchen and grabbed my purse from my locker. My mother was talking with Hannah and Meg. She stopped speaking and looked at me.

“All set?” she asked.

“Yeah.” I shrugged. “See you guys later,” I said to them and they both hugged me, knowing it was exactly what I needed. I followed my mom outside and got into her car, sitting in the passenger seat.

“They seem nice,” she said.

“Yeah, they are,” I muttered. I didn’t want to talk with her. It felt forced and fake.

“I know you’re still angry with me. I hate that you are. I want us to be close again, Finn, like we were,” she said. I didn’t respond. She sighed heavily and turned on the ignition. We didn’t say another word the entire ride home.

She pulled into the driveway. I jumped out of the car and walked inside. I had promised my grandfather that I would forgive her, but it was too hard. Everything she said felt like a lie to me. I headed upstairs to take a shower. I let the water run for several minutes, spacing out, thinking about nothing and everything all at once.

When I came downstairs, my mother was sitting in the kitchen drinking water. She looked up at me. “Finn,” she said almost questioning.

“I’m ready to hear why you lied to me all of these years,” I said with a hint of resentment.

“Well, you’re not going to make it easy are you,” she said. She took a deep breath. I sat across from her, my arms folded.

“I met your father when I was very young. I wasn’t even sixteen. The moment I saw him, I was smitten. He was gorgeous and could do anything. He was popular, every girl wanted to date him and every boy wanted to be like him,” she said, looking at me. “So when he became interested in me, I couldn’t believe it. I was shy and awkward and certainly not popular but he didn’t seem to notice.” She got up to pour more water into her glass. I watched her, my arms folded, still angry, and still confused. “We were very much in love. We were each other’s first loves, like you and Jesse.” My face turned red, but I said nothing. “We went everywhere together, never apart for a long period of time. Neither of us could stand it. We decided to get married after we graduated from high school. I wasn’t going to college and he had decided he didn’t want to. Your grandparents weren’t happy about that. He could have gone to college on a football scholarship or on his grades alone, but he had decided he wanted to run the diner. So, we got married and lived in a tiny apartment. I worked at the grocery store and he worked at Lilly’s. We weren’t making much money but that didn’t seem to matter, we were so in love.”

“If you loved him, why were you so vague about him all of these years?” I asked incredulously. She didn’t answer me.

“I became pregnant, one of the happiest times in my life. He was thrilled. He wanted to have kids as much as I did. We talked about having four of five actually,” she said and smiled to herself. “But then things started to change.” Her smiled became a frown. “Once you were born, his behavior became erratic. He would have these moments where he was on top of the world and everything was perfect, and then he would go through these lows, so low, I didn’t think I could bring him back. He started spending money we didn’t have, staying out all hours of the night, doing things he had never done.” She looked directly at me, pleading with her eyes. “I didn’t understand what was going on. I was desperate. I loved him, he was your father and he was acting like a stranger. He even got arrested for drunk driving. It wasn’t him.  And then,” she began whispering, tears streamed from her eyes, “I came home one day and he was gone. His stuff was gone. He didn’t leave a note, nothing, no sign of where he had gone.”

I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I looked at her in confusion. “I thought he died in a car accident. Did he leave us before the accident?” I asked, afraid I already knew the answer.

“He…” her voice scratchy from crying, “he left us. He didn’t die, Finn.”

I closed my eyes and pursed my lips. Hurt again by her lies. I felt too much pain to respond, too in shock to say anything. My father was alive somewhere.

“I’m sorry I lied to you. But I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want you to know that he had left us. I thought it would be easier if you believed he had died. I thought I was doing the right thing.” She stood up and moved over to me, kneeling in front of me. I sat there in silence, crying uncontrollably.

“Why did you keep my grandparents from me?” I asked.

“I was young, scared and alone. I didn’t have anyone to turn to. When your father left me to raise you alone, I was not in my right mind. I was desperate to keep our family unit together, at any cost. I thought they were going to take you away from me.”

“Are you crazy?” I asked indignantly. “You know what,” I yelled, “if they did take me away from you would that have been so bad. At least I wouldn’t have been lied to!”

“Finn, I’m so sorry. I thought they were going to take you away from me and you were all that I had. I was nineteen, young and scared and thought that they could take you from me because I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t have a mother to teach me and I was so young Finn. I didn’t know who to trust. When your father left, my world collapsed and I was holding onto a thin piece of thread just to stay afloat.  It wasn’t right to keep them from you, but I thought it was right at the time. I see now I made a horrible mistake, but I can’t change that,” she said. She moved toward me, trying to touch my arm. I backed away from her, feeling bitter, tasting hatred for the first time in my life.

“They must know that he isn’t dead. Why didn’t they tell me?” I said out loud, frustrated, pleading with the sky, with something, and trying to find reason.

“They knew. They wanted to tell you and planned to if I had not shown up. They felt that I should tell you.”

I became cold and my body shook. “I need to get away from here. I can’t talk to you right now.” I stomped off, moving toward the front door.

“Finn, you’re too upset to go anywhere. Please, let’s talk. We need to work things out. I love you,” she said. She held onto my arm, her eyes desperately searching for me to say something.

“I don’t know you. You are a stranger to me. You don’t lie to people you love, Mom.” I glared at her. “Don’t worry. I don’t hate you anymore, I feel sorry for you because you don’t understand what love is.” I pushed the front door open and kept walking aimlessly. She didn’t try to follow me. I called Jesse and asked him to pick me up. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was going to do. The life I had known was a complete and utter lie.