The Suicide Diary (35 page)

The sound of the ambulance shook him from his gaze and then in the drama that followed he ended up on one pavement with Nina stood on the one opposite. As the ambulance pulled away, he stared across at her. Now she was standing, he could see there was a hole in her tights and her knee was scraped but other than that she seemed to be okay.

When the ambulance pulled away, I barely took a step and Alex ran across to me. His hands felt my arms and shoulders as if checking for breakage. I could have saved him the time, I knew exactly where the damage was in my body and it wasn’t on the outside. He then took my face in his hands and looked at me with a worried expression on his face.

That was the moment I knew. Alex cared about me, and it was more than just someone to talk about his favourite authors with. I didn’t know to what extent; it was more than I could accept and I felt the familiar pull from within to take a step back.

I went home that day and later sent him a text to say I would be busy the following Saturday with my family and wouldn’t be able to see him. He replied asking to reschedule for another day and I quickly typed in a few words about my Mother not feeling too good and needing to help around the house and hit send.

It wasn’t entirely a lie, there were always things needing done around our family home. It was over two hundred years old and had a large garden that needed tending to. I had never been a fan of gardening so usually Joshua and my Mother cared for it, while Matthew and I had covered the indoor chores. I kept myself as busy as I could, going from work, then home and to my flat and back again in a cycle.

Flicking through a newspaper a few days later, something caught my eye and I stared at the article in front of me. Chris. The text blurred but the words grievous bodily harm stood out. The shock ripped through me but I had to know if something had happened to him or if he had hurt another girl. Guilt shattered through me, if I had done something maybe this wouldn't have happened. He was going to jail for four years because what he did was wrong. Reading about what he had done to someone else made it real.

When I slept that night, my mind worked against me and I was trapped in a nightmare. A guy climbed into the passenger seat next to me in the taxi. I couldn’t really see his face but I instinctively knew he wasn’t a friend and something about him made my skin crawl. “Already got a fare mate, you’ll have to wait for the next one.” said the driver.

The man turned in his seat and his eyes took me in.

“We’re all friends here. I’m going where she’s heading.” He grinned and winked at me. The driver made to speak again but before his tongue could wrap around the first syllable I
saw the flash of a blade against his neck. The terror that ran down my spine was oddly familiar. He must have heard my gasp as the next I knew; he was leaning towards me and I slid backwards until my back was pressed against the door.

“Time to get on our way Mr. driver.” said the man.

I felt his finger run along my leg and I wanted to die right there.

I woke with the scream in my mouth and had to clench my teeth together to stop it escaping. Fighting with the sheets instead of the man, I knew it had only been a dream but it didn’t stop my heart racing. I wasn’t a pretty sight – no gentle trickle of sweat down the side of my forehead.

My skin had a film of sweat all over and my clothes were damp with it. I was trembling and my heart felt like it would beat its way out of my chest. It was only a dream and yet it had been my imagination that had created it in my head. I’d always been interested in dream interpretation but I didn’t want to know what that one meant.

It felt like a mere few minutes had passed before the sound of my alarm clock roused me from my sleep, but not from the dark thoughts that had plagued my dreams. They hung over me the rest of the day like a dark grey cloud, full and ready for a storm.

Damn it. The engine puckered to a halt with just enough time to pull into the lay-by. I had no recovery membership – one of the few ‘luxuries’ to go when I moved in to my flat since the rent and basic living expenses used up most of my limited wages. Now I definitely couldn’t afford a call out fee. I looked in the mirror along the stretch of empty road intermittently lit into the distance. Not a soul. Not that I would be brave or stupid enough to flag down a stranger to help.

Drama always needs a victim. And tonight I was at its leisure. I had only nine numbers in my phone. I hadn’t really spoken to Matthew since our argument, Joshua would be at work, Kara was out of the country, Ali and Lucy couldn’t drive and I knew Melissa was on a date since I had listened to every detail of her love life lately. My Mother was out with her friends for the evening and there was no way I was calling my Father, I wasn’t ready to let him take on a parental duty just yet. That left Alex and I really didn’t know him well enough for this random call but I had no choice.

He pulled up twenty minutes later to find me sat in the driver seat with the doors locked and only my mobile phone for light.

“Nina, don’t you how dangerous it is to stay inside a car at the side of the road?” said Alex.
“Would you have suggested I stood at the side of the road, alone and in the dark instead?” I said.

His face was grim and he moved to look under the bonnet of my car. The rain was lashing down his back and I was glad he at least put on a jacket. I tried to hold the umbrella above our heads and point the torch at what he was looking at but the wind was strong and I was struggling to hold myself upright.

I hated that I had no idea how to even check what might be wrong with the car. I’d always used public transport until my Mother had bought a new car and given me hers. I was starting to think they were more trouble than they were worth. Perhaps if I’d had a Father around I might have known more about vehicle maintenance. I was aware how sexist that was but my Mother came from a generation and a family who thought girls should do girly things and the ‘men’ should know how to fix the cars. Clearly Alex at least thought the latter part was true anyway, since my car purred to life within ten minutes.

Something was clattering wildly and I realised it was my teeth. With no heating available I was freezing, but part of me knew it wasn’t just the cold that was making me shiver. I’d been completely alone in the dark and the only person I’d felt able to call for help I’d known for barely even two months.

“Thank you for…” I tried to say but he cut me off with a wave of his hand.

“I’m just glad you’re safe.” He may have been saying those words, but his tone and body language didn’t exactly agree. He seemed tense, although he could have been annoyed for being called out in the pouring rain at night.

Alex wished it had just been the cold that made him tense. He knew he had acted like an asshole but it wasn’t to be directed at Nina. He had been so worried when she called and he’d driven there far too fast. He told himself he would have felt the same worry for any friend stranded at the side of the road in darkness, but something inside was shouting loudly that he was lying to himself. They managed to get Nina’s car jump started and he made sure she locked her doors and her phone still had battery life. He had to stop himself from offering to follow her home. He knew it must have taken a lot for her to call him and he doubted she would welcome the suggestion. Instead he made her promise to text him the moment she was safely home.

The following weekend Alex had invited me to a gathering. His exact words. After his efforts to fix my car, I felt obliged to go, but more than that I had missed him. I wondered why I was more nervous about being with Alex in a group, than I ever was with just the two of us. Perhaps it was just thought of seeing him in a different environment. I picked out a pretty dress in my favourite shade of green and made an effort with my hair and make-up. I wasn’t really sure why I did but it had been so long since I’d felt even slightly pretty so it felt good to try.

“I’m aware that you have no idea how beautiful you are, but I just thought I would mention that tonight you look especially pretty.” said Alex.

I blushed and was very grateful for the dim lighting. “You’re not so bad yourself.” I returned.

“What this old thing?” He laughed and the moment of uneasiness was faded a little.

From the moment I’d met Alex I’d felt just on the cusp of being comfortable around him. I was still nervous but there was something about him that put me almost at ease. But there were still moments that unnerved me.

“Hey Alex.” said the girl that had appeared in front of us.

“Oh hi Alicia” said Alex.

“Good party huh?” she replied.

“Eh yeah. Have you seen Joseph?” he asked after the host.

“He was going into one of the bedrooms last I saw him. I could show you if you like. Your friend can wait here and get a drink.” She smiled so sweetly at me you would almost swear she was being sincere but this girl was as subtle as a brick. I’d met ones like her before and there was only one way to deal with them. I glanced sideways at Alex only to find him staring passed the girl looking I presumed for Joseph.

“Actually Alex and I were hoping Joseph would like to join us for a little fun so I think we’ll just go find him ourselves. Oh and since you mentioned it I’ll have a vodka and lemonade – so sweet of you.” My smile was almost as sweet.

Her eyes widened and I saw a flash of hatred aimed at me, which betrayed the purred words she directed at Alex.

“Of course and you are?” she asked.

“This is Nina, my girlfriend.” answered Alex before I had a second to respond.

“Oh how nice. Well I’ll go and make your favourite drink Alex and then maybe I’ll join you later.” she said.

“I can’t believe you just said that to her!” he said and laughed.

“Me, what about you?” I shot back.

Alex laughed remembering this. As sweet as she, was no one walked over Nina when he was with her. And yet he realised then she had let herself be walked over time and time again before he had met her. He’d been egotistical enough to think Nina had been jealous of Alicia but from the moment they’d set foot in that party she’d been tense and now he understood why.

When Alicia walked away my false sense of bravado went with her. My shoulders slumped and I sighed as I realised we had only been there for twenty minutes and I had already finished my first drink. I wondered how long before it wouldn’t be too rude to leave.

I woke up in an unfamiliar room. I thought I might have been dreaming at first but my heart began to speed up as I realised I was most likely awake and in a stranger’s room. What had happened last night, I tried to retrace the last couple of hours in the bar and got as far as someone I didn’t know trying to talk to me and then it was all a blank. Was this his room, had I gone home with him, had I really gotten so drunk I had gone home with a guy I couldn’t even put a face to.

With great relief I noticed I was still wearing my tights and underwear, with someone’s oversized t-shirt pulled over the top and my dress was neatly folded by the bed. Surely a drunken fumble would have led to nudity and clothes strewn on the floor. That was generally the case right? I climbed out of the large, comfortable bed unwillingly. It was almost too easy to stay there a little longer and put off knowing the truth but I had to get out of there. Creeping as quietly as I could, I cracked open the door and made my along the hallway.

There was something familiar about the faces in the photos on the wall. I still didn’t feel completely relieved, but at least I wasn’t in a complete stranger’s home. Through an archway I came into what looked like the living room and kitchen area and I could see a sleeping body on the settee. I only needed to see the dark mop of hair to know who had brought me home in the small hours of that morning. Alex.

He looked so young and yet his eyes were shadowed and weary looking. I wondered what it would be like to awaken every morning and watch him sleep. I flinched at that thought. Where did that come from?

He sat confused for a moment. Reading that sentence over again. Had she felt more for him than even she realised? It was like two people in one body fighting for control – one that was open to the idea of something more and another that denied it and rejected any feelings.

I slid my coat from over the back of a chair and lifted my bag as quietly as I could. Shoes in hand I moved towards the door, scanning for keys. Grasping them tightly from the key rack on the wall, of course I then stumbled and dropped them onto the soft carpet which at least lessened the noise.

Thankfully Alex didn’t stir and I inserted each of the three correctly shaped keys one after the other in to the keyhole.

“Those would be my parent’s house keys you’re trying on my door. So I’m afraid they won’t be much use to you.” said Alex’s voice behind me.

I whipped around and had the decency to look embarrassed, after all he had got me home safely and here I was creeping out of his flat without even so much as a goodbye or a thank you for being a gentleman for spending an uncomfortable night sleeping on a couch too short for his six foot plus height.

“Besides there’s plenty of food in the fridge to make breakfast so there is no need for you to run to the shops.” he said.

“I should…” I started.