The Stranger Inside (3 page)

My hands were getting sweaty as I stood on his doorstep, not sure if I should ring his doorbell or run away. Instead, I did neither. I stood frozen, my stomach all twisty. It might be awkward seeing his hands again, remembering them roaming around my body all hungry-like. Yeah, it would be awkward—and hard to explain. One minute kissing him, the next pushing him away.

My face started to burn as I reflected. Sawyer must think I was nuts. What was I doing here? I shouldn’t have come. I had the right idea earlier, when I vowed never to see him again. I should avoid him at all costs.

I turned and started to walk away but then I heard Sawyer’s front door creak open. I winced, and froze, for a moment still considering running. I mean, he already thought I was a freak, what could it hurt if I just kept with that and took off? But finally, I swung around. I tried to look friendly. And sane. Doubt it worked.

Sawyer leaned against the open threshold and raised an eyebrow, his lips creeping into a smile.

“I thought that was you.” His eyebrows quirked. “You wanna come in?”

***

Inside, it was awkward. I explained that I thought I left my iPod in his room, but then when he offered to let me go in and look for it, I couldn’t bring myself to go in. I mean, it just seemed like it would be too weird—looking through his messy bed. And what if we didn’t find it? Maybe he’d think I just invented it as an excuse to get back into his room so we could pick up where we’d left off. Maybe he’d think I’d just run off when I did to go get a sandwich or something and now I was back, full of energy and ready to go at it.

Okay, he probably wouldn’t think anything like that, but I still didn’t want to go back into his room and see where my nightmare started. Too, too creepy.

A small bewildered smile played on Sawyer’s lips as he watched me hesitate, but he didn’t say, “You’re the most bizarre girl I ever met, get out of my house.” Instead he said, “You want me to go look for it?”

I tried to smile. “That would be great.”

When I grimaced up at him, he said, “Have a seat,” gesturing to his couch and he said it really nice, though slightly amused and I wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or more embarrassed.

I sat on the edge of his couch, and at first figuratively and then literally, crossed my fingers. He came back only a minute later, holding my iPod up and rotating it side to side, like, “Looky, Looney-Girl. Found it.”

“Score.” I tried to smile again, act like this was all normal, but inside I screamed
relief!

Sawyer sat beside me on the couch. “Okay, I was going to do something mean,” he said, sitting really, really close. “I was going to keep this until you told me what was going on today—hold it ransom. But here.” He handed me my iPod. “I’m not that kind of guy. Well, I’m trying not to be that kind of guy.” He got even closer and rested the crook of his arm on the back of the couch, looking and acting incredibly relaxed, like he was used to having strange girls over to his house, like it happened all the time. Yet, he also looked intrigued. He chewed on the inside of his lip a moment, studying me. “Was it an acting assignment or something? Is that it? Are you an actress?”

“An actress?” I let out a nervous laugh. “No. Why would you think that?”

He raised his eyebrows and tilted his chin, kind of like, duh. “Well, one minute you seemed totally into me, the next it was like you didn’t know me.” His eyes flicked from my face to my body, then back to my eyes. “And you kind of
look
like an actress.”

I could feel my face redden. That was kind of sweet. And I wished it was true, with all of my heart, I wished that—that I’d only been acting. That it was all one big happy act and really I had my life totally together and was just doing an assignment. Just ‘cause. For fun.

I was tempted to go with that. So tempted. Just say, “Yeah, you got me. I was acting.” Then I could leave his house and see him in school and not worry that he was going to tell everyone I’d had a grief-stricken blackout. That I had strange moments when I could fall prey to random pick up lines in the mall. But thinking about that, what actually happened today, made me shudder.

And Sawyer noticed. He eyed me. “Okay, so then, what happened? Why’d you suddenly freak out and act like you didn’t know me? Why the big change, Kenzie?”

 The unexpected name gave my heart a jolt. “Kenzie?”

“Yeah, that’s your name isn’t it?” He gave a bitter laugh. “Well, that’s what you told me it was. I guess it’s not, huh?”

“No,” I said slowly. Why would I have told him my name was Kenzie? Weird. He must have misheard. Or got me confused with someone else. Maybe he picked up girls at the mall all the time. Maybe he couldn’t keep us all straight. Sheesh, how many girls did he pick up just today? Ew. “My name’s Jodi. Look, I have no idea how we met.”

He blinked, then swept his blond hair out of his eyes, for a moment saying nothing. “Are you messing with me?”

“No. I wish I was, but I’m not. Seriously. The last thing I remember was being at the mall. I was trying to get a job.”

Sawyer slowly nodded. “Yeah. I know. Your applications are still out in my car.”

“So, Sawyer,” I said, attempting to sound conversational, like my next question wasn’t going to make me sound like a screwed up loon in need of a place called SunnyBrook Farms or Port Haven Mental Institute, “how did we end up kissing on your bed?”

“I don’t know,” he said dryly. “I thought it was because we were mutually attracted to each other.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Are you playing a game with me or what?”

I shook my head. “It’s not a game.” I totally understood his disbelief. I couldn’t believe what had happened myself. Grief makes people do weird things, apparently.

“Figures,” Sawyer muttered. “I meet the nymphomaniac of my dreams and she ends up being split personalities.”

My stomach dropped. Whoa. What? I swallowed, my heart spazzing. “You think I have a split personality?”

“You called yourself Kenzie—like, multiple times. And you were all over me. You even sounded different when you talked, like you weren’t as well educated or something. No way was the girl I started kissing the same girl who left my bedroom.” He watched me a moment, noticed my shaking hands, then flicked his gaze back to my face. “And you said you can’t remember anything after being at the mall.”

He said all this like he was putting together a puzzle—like it was a theory, but it was based on facts—facts I told him.

… Split personalities.

The thought never crossed my mind. Never. I was just suffering from grief, right? I’d just blacked out for a bit. Selective amnesia or something … right?

Right?

I
wanted
to believe I was right. Of course. I wanted to believe it so bad. Go on believing what I had been, that I have tiny time lapses—now and then. Annoying, yeah, but not that big of a deal.

At least I didn’t think the lapses were a big deal—until today.

But learning I called myself by another name kind of shed a new, horrifying light on my lapses. Suddenly, I had to consider what Sawyer said as more than just a possibility. It was as though someone else—this Kenzie—had been using my body for the day and just now grew tired of it and decided to give it back.

I felt sick, like I might throw up. The grief counselor hadn’t warned about becoming someone different while experiencing the grief process. I definitely would have remembered something like that.

“I don’t know.” Sawyer rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m not a psychiatrist—obviously—but what else explains it? You were totally different this afternoon.
Totally
.”

I buried my face in my hands. “I was? What was Kenzie like?”

“I don’t know. Different. She was fun. Kind of wild.”

I glanced up at him, remembering something he said earlier, about meeting the nymphomaniac of his dreams. Suddenly the statement made me sweat. “What’d we do today?”

Sawyer flicked me a look, mischief in his eyes. “We had the most incredible sex—all day. We did it all day.” He smiled, raising his eyebrows. “You were great.”

I just stared at him.

He grinned. “What? You don’t believe me?” His grin grew, letting me know he was only teasing. He cocked his head. “You have no recollection of what we did? None at all?”

I shook my head, wanting to groan, instead I whispered, “No, nothing.” I hated admitting that. It left me wide open, vulnerable, but my mind wasn’t up for games. “I remember being at the mall—that’s it.”

Sawyer drew in a breath. “Man, this is weird.”

“Yeah.” I buried my face back in my hands. “No kidding.”

Sawyer watched me a moment, silent, then shook his head. “Weird.”

He was a decent guy. At least there was that. I mean this Kenzie—wild, fun Kenzie—could have picked up a maniac just as easily. The thought made me shudder.

I couldn’t take any more of this—talking about it. Not tonight anyway. I felt sweaty and dizzy and like I was going to barf any minute. I told Sawyer I had to get back home, and he offered to give me a ride. This time I accepted, and he gave a small smile about it, like,
progress
.

For some reason, it was kind of comforting knowing he lived close by. I’m not sure why. Maybe because he seemed sort of nice, and maybe I was still hoping we could be friends.

“Just let me off here,” I said, a few houses down from mine. I didn’t want Mom to look out the window and see us. She’d probably make a big scene. Seriously, when she wasn’t ignoring me, she was attacking me. Only, weirdly, I knew she thought she was doing it for my own good. To protect me. From getting into trouble and having a kid too young—like what happened to her. “Thanks for the ride.”

“Sure.” He smiled, taking this way too lightly. It seemed he was still suspicious I was an actress just having fun. “Jodi, right?”

I gritted my teeth. “You still don’t believe me?”

He tapped his thumbs on the steering wheel. “It’s pretty hard to swallow.”

“Why would I lie about something like this?”

Tap, tap, tap. “I don’t know. Some girls are weird.”

“Yeah, well, I wish I
was
lying. I’d rather be weird than crazy.”

Sawyer steepled his fingers together, bringing them to his lips. He studied me like he was weighing the possibility. “All right,” he said after a moment, “so you’re Jodi. But the girl I was with all day—that was Kenzie?”

“Apparently.”

Sawyer grinned. “This is kind of cool.”

“Yeah.” I rolled my eyes. “Cool.”

“Oh, no. I’m sorry. I mean, I know this must suck for you. But it’s kind of intriguing, you know?”

“I guess,” I said. After all, it wasn’t his problem. He just met me—Freak Girl. What did he care? Suddenly, I wasn’t interested in him anymore. He could live on the other side of the planet, I didn’t care. Actually, the further, the better. I sighed. “Look, I need to go. I’m going to be in a lot of trouble.”

“Yeah, okay, but wait a minute. Don’t forget your applications.” He reached into the backseat to get them for me.

Kind of a sweet gesture, sorta. Only, at the moment it seemed more likely I’d be checking into a loony-bin than getting a job.

“Thanks,” I said, taking the stack of applications. I started to get out of his car, but stopped and turned back to him, that “fun, wild” description still running through my head. “Hey, I didn’t do anything illegal today, did I?”

For a moment Sawyer grinned, like he was going to try tricking me again. But then he gave a little laugh, giving me a break. “Nah. You spent the day with me,” he said. “We went hiking up in the mountains—Dover’s Ridge. Then we went to my house. I thought I was going to get lucky there for a minute, but then you turned into Jodi.”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, not sure about this guy. I didn’t really feel I could trust my perceptions though. Not right now. Not tonight. Everything was twisted and crazy. But the thing was, I needed a friend. I did. And at the moment, he was the closest contact I had to “normal” interaction.

“I guess you like Kenzie better than me, huh?”

He grinned, looking amused. “I don’t know. I barely met you.” His eyes smiled. “Maybe we should go out sometime—while you’re Jodi. I’d be able to give you a more informed answer.”

He was still so light about it. Still semi-teasing. Like he was pretty sure I was playing a game. I gritted my teeth. “Look, I’m usually Jodi,” I explained again, not sure why. “I didn’t even know about Kenzie.”

“Man, this is—it could be like dating twins.” Sawyer ran his hands through his hair. “We are going to go out again, right?”

I bit my lip.
I should just say “yes” to this
. I knew I should. I mean, what was the big deal? I needed an ally here in Port Haven—someone—anyone. And he seemed kind of cool. Well, for the most part.

But the thing was, with my dad’s death still eating at me to the point where I was experiencing a
split personality
, it just didn’t seem like a good idea—starting something semi-romantic. Only … face it, it would never seem like a good idea. Not to me. Not ever. I had intimacy issues. Big time. I’d been hurt. My heart had been stomped on. Crushed. Now I was all broken and wounded and if a guy even seemed
slightly
interested in me I took off running the other direction, fast. If you don’t get involved, you can’t get hurt. That seemed to be true. It did. But it was also lonely.

Still, it was true.

But Sawyer seemed more like he wanted to date me on a whim, like only for fun. I mean, he didn’t even fully believe me about the Kenzie thing. Not that I would believe me either. So, I got it—that he pretty much thought I was playing with him, and that he wasn’t too concerned about it ’cause he was just messing around too. It seemed I didn’t have to worry about either of us getting too involved. Or getting hurt. But I’d been going to an all-girl school for the past three years; I wasn’t really up on guys. Or their expectations. Or anything.

Sawyer smirked at my hesitation. “Give me your phone number and I’ll call you tomorrow.”

That took the pressure off, not having to answer right now or use my brain, because at the moment it was fried. Tomorrow I’d have the energy to explain to him that I just wanted to be friends. That was all I could handle right now. But I was relieved he was interested. I needed a friend. Desperately.